November 12, 2009 4:00pm
Today I feel a bit better than yesterday. I got my ass handed to me at work, but by the grace of God, I came through it just fine. I’m so out of practice working on the line that I have a hard time keeping up with the rest of the line sometimes. This was my fourth day back on the line, and the third mount I’ve run. Since it is one of the heavier mounts work-load wise, I had to keep moving constantly.
At one point today, something happened that pissed me off, though I can’t remember what it was now. I just remember that it happened, and my immediate reaction was to say “God damn it!” which made me feel horrible at the time. I’m not one to get all upset over that kind of thing when other people do it, but I’ve been trying to stop doing it myself. Not only because it is taking the Lord’s name in vain, but also because it is damaging to my witness. It is also upsetting to me that that was the first thing to come flying out of my mouth when something didn’t go my way. I’ve been trying very hard to not react so quickly and strongly, and that happening today was a wake up call that I still have a lot of work to do.
Being back on the meds does seem to help my overall mood throughout the course of the day and keep the swings closer together rather than going from one extreme to the other. The drugs don’t stop my reactions though. Nor do they control how I react. I think eventually I won’t react as quickly once the meds have had their chance to really work their way into my system, but the rest is up to me.
So how do you learn to control and change bad behavior. Hopefully what I did today was at least on the right path. I quickly realized what I did and prayed that God would help me to stop doing that. I think that an awareness of it happening, as well as being conscious of how it makes me feel afterward will go a long way towards helping me to correct this behavior.
I got off work almost two hours early today. It’s kind of a bummer, since I really want to work as hard as possible for as long as they will let me the next couple of weeks. Considering how sore my body is though, it’s hard to be too upset about it right now. I’ve taken an Aleve and am enjoying a nice cold beer, so hopefully the physical aspect of my discomfort won’t be too intense tonight. As for the emotional and spiritual, I’m not so sure.
Right now I’m just writing in the hopes of some sort of breakthrough or epiphany. I’m trying to force an “a-ha” moment, which may or may not have the exact opposite effect. I just know that once I really get going with writing and hit something akin to stream of consciousness, the floodgates tend to open. So while I’m relaxing and waiting for my legs to stop throbbing and dinner to be done, I thought I would try my hand at a bit of journaling.
I guess I’m also writing for posterity’s sake as well. I think that a record of what I’m currently going through with starting the meds, as well as my technological sabbatical, may come in handy some day. Or maybe not. Who knows? I haven’t really decided whether I’ll post on my blog some or all of what I write these next two weeks, and I’m trying very hard not to write in the “voice” that I tend to use there. I’m making a concerted effort to write all this to myself and God and that’s all. I don’t want to try writing to entertain the masses with my wit, or garner sympathetic comments, etc. I just want to get everything I possibly can out of my head and into words.
All that being said, I just ran into a big ole’ brick wall. I’m currently out of words to write. Maybe I was right about the whole trying to force it will actually prevent it from happening thing. Either way, I’ll just stop here and pick it back up after dinner.