Journaling

November 11, 2009 7:00pm

Somehow I thought this would be different. I didn’t really expect any great epiphanies within the first couple of days or anything like that. Yet I somehow thought I would be more “affected” by now. Don’t get me wrong. I am definitely feeling some effects here. Riding in the car without a radio on is strange every time. Not checking my facebook account or reading blogs every day is definitely odd. I have noticed that not only do I do these things because I want to, but there is also a real addiction on some level. I guess compulsion would be a better word for it. I keep feeling like I “need” to do these things. Having discovered that makes me feel better about my decision to abstain for the next few weeks though. Apparently I needed to do this for more reasons than I originally realized.

To get back to where I had started though, I just can’t help feeling I’m missing something. I thought that after a day or two I would just naturally have the urge to study more, to read more or to write more. Like going without all the other filler in my life would make me start to crave all the things I thought I would be doing. It just hasn’t happened yet. I keep waiting for this moment of clarity or inspiration to knock me upside the head, but apparently that is not how this works. It seems that I’m going to have to take the initiative to be productive during this sabbatical.

I just can’t help thinking that maybe I’m doing it wrong somehow. As though everyone else who has ever spent a dedicated amount of time trying to regroup and refocus themselves has just come to and through the process naturally. So of course I am now finding fault with myself in this process and allowing that to weigh me down versus just sucking it up and plowing through.

I don’t know what will come of this, to be sure. I do know one thing though: this is helping to build a little more intimacy with Cody. I’ve been trying to be more deliberate about spending quality time with him the last couple of weeks and making sure I focus on us and our relationship rather than myself and what I need/want. Having the TV off for a few minutes after I get home from work to talk about our respective days, as well as eating dinner together without the TV are just some of the ways we’re finding time to purposefully engage each other. It’s been great, and the connection we share is growing stronger in tangible ways.