I haven't posted in forever.
I don't *really* have time to post today, either.
I need to hop in the shower, or more accurately for the literalists among us, I need to go wash my body in the shower.
I also need to water the veggies and annuals this morning. There is a "chance" of spotty thunderstorms today, but with the amount of heat we'll be getting, that's a chance I'd rather not take.
I also need to go pack my book bag. No class since Thursday and working on homework for four different classes at different times throughout the weekend has a tendency to make my desk a tad jumbled.
School is going well; I find myself enjoying it more than I thought I would. Oddly enough, most of my preconceived notions have been turned on their ear in this first week.
I thought I would prefer my two online courses over my two campus-based courses. Not so much. I actually like going to class more than being left to my own devices.
I thought I would hate Beginning Algebra I, or at the very least, like the other three courses way more than math. Turns out that of the 4, algebra is my favorite class thus far.
Who is this guy?
June 7, 2011
March 10, 2011
totally cheating...
I admit it, I am.
I didn't write this post as a post. It's actually an email to my parents that I copied and pasted here because I'm too lazy to write anymore. It is, however, pretty much what I would write if I were to create a new post, so there's that.
Hello!
I haven't touched base with you guys in so long! I miss you. Just wanted to send out a quick note to let you know that and to try and update you on what's up with me lately.
Registration for the summer term started this week, and I've found that I need to take the placement tests even if I'm not registering for math or english this time around. Apparently, they want to make sure you can read and write before taking classes....
I *attempted* to go take the tests yesterday morning, but I got seriously lost and confused once I drove onto the campus. I start to have a bit of an anxiety attack, got frustrated and left. The buildings aren't very well marked for vehicle traffic (a lot of signs on the sidewalks in front of buildings you can't read from the road), and I had NO clue where to park or what building to go to. Not to mention the hordes of students trying to get to and from their classes in the rain.
I came home and called Cody's brother, who works for the college, and told him where I needed to go and he straightened me out. So I'll make another attempt this morning, with hopefully better results. :)
I was still kind of worked up on my way home, so I didn't do the other thing I had intended to do either, which was to pick up an application. The Aldi located between here and the campus is (or was as of last weekend) hiring cashiers at $11.00/hr. Not my dream job, but that's a decent wage for the work.
As far as my major, I'm still pulled in 452 different directions about that mentally and emotionally. I realized several weeks ago during choir practice that I was doing what I loved to do, and I was finally in a position to maybe follow that passion. I don't know where that would lead me, but that's just another item on a long list of things I don't know right now. :)
I told Pastor Allen a few weeks ago when we met for dinner that while I think I *would/could* be a good nurse, I don't really *want* to be a nurse. I like the idea of it, and I've heard so many people tell me I "should be" a nurse, or would be good at it, I think I've just kind of internalized everyone else telling me their good intentions and lost my own along the way.
A friend mentioned a week or so ago that I should get my nursing degree, minor in music, and then work as a music therapist. I latched onto that, and before I knew it, I was looking at nursing programs again. To be a certified music therapist, you do need a bachelors degree, with a focus on either music or psychology/medicine. Well, when I realized I was headed down the wrong road, I reigned myself in and stopped that train before it left the station.
So, long story short, I still feel like a 17-year-old being handed my diploma and trying to figure out, "What do I want to 'BE' when I grow up?"
For right now at least, I'm okay with not knowing. I'm going to start taking classes and work toward a degree, and I'm sure I'll get Guidance along the way. In the meantime, I have to be realistic and get a job though. This time around, though, I'm going to make my job work around me instead of the other way around.
God didn't bring me this far for me to get back into debt again, but I know He didn't plan for me to be a slave to money, either.
So that's all (or most all, anyway) the news that's fit to print. How are you two doing?
Love and miss you,
Jacob
I didn't write this post as a post. It's actually an email to my parents that I copied and pasted here because I'm too lazy to write anymore. It is, however, pretty much what I would write if I were to create a new post, so there's that.
Hello!
I haven't touched base with you guys in so long! I miss you. Just wanted to send out a quick note to let you know that and to try and update you on what's up with me lately.
Registration for the summer term started this week, and I've found that I need to take the placement tests even if I'm not registering for math or english this time around. Apparently, they want to make sure you can read and write before taking classes....
I *attempted* to go take the tests yesterday morning, but I got seriously lost and confused once I drove onto the campus. I start to have a bit of an anxiety attack, got frustrated and left. The buildings aren't very well marked for vehicle traffic (a lot of signs on the sidewalks in front of buildings you can't read from the road), and I had NO clue where to park or what building to go to. Not to mention the hordes of students trying to get to and from their classes in the rain.
I came home and called Cody's brother, who works for the college, and told him where I needed to go and he straightened me out. So I'll make another attempt this morning, with hopefully better results. :)
I was still kind of worked up on my way home, so I didn't do the other thing I had intended to do either, which was to pick up an application. The Aldi located between here and the campus is (or was as of last weekend) hiring cashiers at $11.00/hr. Not my dream job, but that's a decent wage for the work.
As far as my major, I'm still pulled in 452 different directions about that mentally and emotionally. I realized several weeks ago during choir practice that I was doing what I loved to do, and I was finally in a position to maybe follow that passion. I don't know where that would lead me, but that's just another item on a long list of things I don't know right now. :)
I told Pastor Allen a few weeks ago when we met for dinner that while I think I *would/could* be a good nurse, I don't really *want* to be a nurse. I like the idea of it, and I've heard so many people tell me I "should be" a nurse, or would be good at it, I think I've just kind of internalized everyone else telling me their good intentions and lost my own along the way.
A friend mentioned a week or so ago that I should get my nursing degree, minor in music, and then work as a music therapist. I latched onto that, and before I knew it, I was looking at nursing programs again. To be a certified music therapist, you do need a bachelors degree, with a focus on either music or psychology/medicine. Well, when I realized I was headed down the wrong road, I reigned myself in and stopped that train before it left the station.
So, long story short, I still feel like a 17-year-old being handed my diploma and trying to figure out, "What do I want to 'BE' when I grow up?"
For right now at least, I'm okay with not knowing. I'm going to start taking classes and work toward a degree, and I'm sure I'll get Guidance along the way. In the meantime, I have to be realistic and get a job though. This time around, though, I'm going to make my job work around me instead of the other way around.
God didn't bring me this far for me to get back into debt again, but I know He didn't plan for me to be a slave to money, either.
So that's all (or most all, anyway) the news that's fit to print. How are you two doing?
Love and miss you,
Jacob
February 17, 2011
at least the ground is thawing a bit...
...even if my mind is not
I'm feeling a bit frozen in time. Encapsulated by my lack of direction. I need to move forward, but my compass is spinning in circles, and I don't know which way to go. I didn't really have a grand plan when I left my job before Christmas. I was totally okay with that.
I didn't expect to be working at my dream job by now or anything, and I'm not in a financial panic yet. I still have a little more breathing room. I'm just a little disappointed. I took a big leap into the abyss, and now have an opportunity to do pretty much whatever the hell I want to (within reason, of course), yet I'm like the proverbial 5 year old child. "I want to be a firefighter." "No, now I want to be a race car driver." "I think I'll be a dentist."
Oy-freaking-vey!
I thought I had it figured out. Then, while watching TV sometime in the last couple of weeks, I saw a commercial for a school that I won't mention (for reasons I won't delve into), and it started me on a Google search for some answers to a few new questions. Turns out I could accomplish way more by attending a community college for WAY less money than the other program I was all set to sign up for. It would take twice as long to earn my degree and sit for my license, but I would be sitting for my RN versus my LPN. For a little more than half the money.
Okay, same direction, different path. I can do this. Then something changed. Some voice in the back of my mind said, "You really love 'this'. Are you sure you want to head in that direction, when this one is now open to you for the first time?"
I hate those voices sometimes.
So now I have a whole slew of questions I need to ask myself. A whole new set of answers and ideas to consider.
Being a grown-up kinda sucks, don't it?
I'm feeling a bit frozen in time. Encapsulated by my lack of direction. I need to move forward, but my compass is spinning in circles, and I don't know which way to go. I didn't really have a grand plan when I left my job before Christmas. I was totally okay with that.
I didn't expect to be working at my dream job by now or anything, and I'm not in a financial panic yet. I still have a little more breathing room. I'm just a little disappointed. I took a big leap into the abyss, and now have an opportunity to do pretty much whatever the hell I want to (within reason, of course), yet I'm like the proverbial 5 year old child. "I want to be a firefighter." "No, now I want to be a race car driver." "I think I'll be a dentist."
Oy-freaking-vey!
I thought I had it figured out. Then, while watching TV sometime in the last couple of weeks, I saw a commercial for a school that I won't mention (for reasons I won't delve into), and it started me on a Google search for some answers to a few new questions. Turns out I could accomplish way more by attending a community college for WAY less money than the other program I was all set to sign up for. It would take twice as long to earn my degree and sit for my license, but I would be sitting for my RN versus my LPN. For a little more than half the money.
Okay, same direction, different path. I can do this. Then something changed. Some voice in the back of my mind said, "You really love 'this'. Are you sure you want to head in that direction, when this one is now open to you for the first time?"
I hate those voices sometimes.
So now I have a whole slew of questions I need to ask myself. A whole new set of answers and ideas to consider.
Being a grown-up kinda sucks, don't it?
February 6, 2011
times, they are a-changin'
...and the people are, too
These last few days have been interesting for me. Plans are changing. Relationships shifting. Hurt and fear are moving forward in a new light. Love and joy are superseding pain and heartache.
Yet what of the rest? There are so many emotions the human mind is capable of feeling, hearing, creating, expressing... Where does Joy go when Fear shows up? Does Confusion destroy Enlightenment and create the need for a complete reconstruction? Is it an emotional tug-of-war match in which the opposing forces are ever-present, despite the strength of one being greater than the other for a season? Or is it an all-out annihilation of the weaker? Do we need to create each, in and of itself, every single time?
To be honest, for if I can not be honest here, then where?, these thoughts permeate my heart and soul this morning. It's a gorgeous morning. The sun coexists with the snow and cold. The snow blankets everything this morning after the storm. Yet I know that there is life under the snow. If I could melt away the snow in my garden, you would see barren ground, with no evidence of life but the remains of previous life dead and gone. But it's not gone. It's under the earth. Resting. Waiting. Preparing itself for a new day, and a fresh glory. It will build on the life lived and spent in years prior, with a similarity that I know I've seen that blossom before, but here it is again new and fresh.
The wilted leaves and fronds lying dead and decaying under the snow indicate barrenness. A cold, harsh reminder that nothing lasts. Oh, but how wrong we are to brush those tattered remnants aside and assume all hope is lost. There is life, abundant, fresh life under the frozen earth. It waits for but the hint of Spring, with it's Warmth and Sun. It has rested from the strain of showing itself proud in seasons past. It is renewed and ready. It will break through the earth and be beautiful again. If you but blink, you will miss the splendor of it's rebirth.
You see, it's not simply the day or two that it shows forth the beauty of it's blossom that gives the flower it's purpose. It desires to reproduce and spread it love and beauty to farther and farther reaches of the Garden in which it lives, yes. Yet the pure Joy, and the unrestrained Stretching of it's support, the Growth of it's tender yet vital Leaves, all learning, yearning and beautiful holds so much Wisdom and Virtue.
If you come to my Garden, you may see it Sprouting. Another day, and you may see it Budding. If you play your cards right, and you plan ahead, you may see my Garden in Bloom. There is Beauty and Glory on each of those days. Still, I can't help but feel and know in my Heart that the Wisdom, the Real Magic, and the Lesson comes from the Less-Beautiful, Less-Glorious days of Growth and Preparation.
To the Visitor, it may seem that the Garden has miraculously sprung from the Earth to show it's Beauty and Grace in a show reserved simply for them. They would not be wrong.
The Greater Truth, and the Real Beauty is shown through to the One Who tends the Garden. The Blessing of Growth and Learning and Tending. The real and true miracle of life is seen in the daily growth and care, my friends.
The Blossoms are but a Bonus...
This post is dedicated to and inspired by the life, love and smile of Peggy Corrigan.
These last few days have been interesting for me. Plans are changing. Relationships shifting. Hurt and fear are moving forward in a new light. Love and joy are superseding pain and heartache.
Yet what of the rest? There are so many emotions the human mind is capable of feeling, hearing, creating, expressing... Where does Joy go when Fear shows up? Does Confusion destroy Enlightenment and create the need for a complete reconstruction? Is it an emotional tug-of-war match in which the opposing forces are ever-present, despite the strength of one being greater than the other for a season? Or is it an all-out annihilation of the weaker? Do we need to create each, in and of itself, every single time?
To be honest, for if I can not be honest here, then where?, these thoughts permeate my heart and soul this morning. It's a gorgeous morning. The sun coexists with the snow and cold. The snow blankets everything this morning after the storm. Yet I know that there is life under the snow. If I could melt away the snow in my garden, you would see barren ground, with no evidence of life but the remains of previous life dead and gone. But it's not gone. It's under the earth. Resting. Waiting. Preparing itself for a new day, and a fresh glory. It will build on the life lived and spent in years prior, with a similarity that I know I've seen that blossom before, but here it is again new and fresh.
The wilted leaves and fronds lying dead and decaying under the snow indicate barrenness. A cold, harsh reminder that nothing lasts. Oh, but how wrong we are to brush those tattered remnants aside and assume all hope is lost. There is life, abundant, fresh life under the frozen earth. It waits for but the hint of Spring, with it's Warmth and Sun. It has rested from the strain of showing itself proud in seasons past. It is renewed and ready. It will break through the earth and be beautiful again. If you but blink, you will miss the splendor of it's rebirth.
You see, it's not simply the day or two that it shows forth the beauty of it's blossom that gives the flower it's purpose. It desires to reproduce and spread it love and beauty to farther and farther reaches of the Garden in which it lives, yes. Yet the pure Joy, and the unrestrained Stretching of it's support, the Growth of it's tender yet vital Leaves, all learning, yearning and beautiful holds so much Wisdom and Virtue.
If you come to my Garden, you may see it Sprouting. Another day, and you may see it Budding. If you play your cards right, and you plan ahead, you may see my Garden in Bloom. There is Beauty and Glory on each of those days. Still, I can't help but feel and know in my Heart that the Wisdom, the Real Magic, and the Lesson comes from the Less-Beautiful, Less-Glorious days of Growth and Preparation.
To the Visitor, it may seem that the Garden has miraculously sprung from the Earth to show it's Beauty and Grace in a show reserved simply for them. They would not be wrong.
The Greater Truth, and the Real Beauty is shown through to the One Who tends the Garden. The Blessing of Growth and Learning and Tending. The real and true miracle of life is seen in the daily growth and care, my friends.
The Blossoms are but a Bonus...
This post is dedicated to and inspired by the life, love and smile of Peggy Corrigan.
January 24, 2011
yawn
Oh goodness, I am so tired. And cold. And tired. Did I mention I'm cold, too?
According to my browser, it is currently 6 degrees outside, with a "Real Feel" of -3 degrees. I don't care who ya' are; that's just damn cold. Suffice to say, I am SO ready for spring!
Yeah, I know, I haven't posted in a while. I've thought about it a handful of times, but just never did. The good news is, the "new & improved" office is 98% complete! I've combined my office/guest room with Cody's office to make one large office for the both of us.
The other room is pretty much on hold right now, unfortunately. The guest bed is leaning up against the wall in there right now waiting to be taken to it's new home. Once that happens, I'll be able to finish cleaning up in there and hang clothing rods to turn it into a giant walk-in closet. Okay, maybe not giant to the rest of the world, but giant to the two of us!
After that, I'll be able to turn the clothes closet in the guest room into a storage closet. This house is seriously lacking in storage space, and being able to install out-of-the-way storage shelving will make a HUGE difference!
Since I can't do much more with either of those rooms for the next couple of weeks, I can now focus my attentions elsewhere. Like what I'm going to do with my life. You know; stuff like that. I've picked the choir music from church that people have turned in over the last few weeks, and that all needs to be filed. I also have to sort through the practice CD-RWs and clear them off for future use. Pretty innocuous stuff.
I've only got one more Sunday off from choir, so I need to get crackin' on "lesson plans" and figure out what direction we'll be heading in once rehearsals start back up in February. A few people have inquired about whether or not we'll have any kind of choir program at Easter, and truth be told, I have no idea what the answer is.
In addition to all that, I need to be studying math some more. I have an appointment to check out a school on Wednesday, and if that meeting goes well, I'll be taking an entrance exam in the near future. I'm pretty rusty on my simple math since I have relied on calculators for so long. On top of that, I have to refresh myself on certain equations and such as well.
Then I have that whole "job" thing to look forward to. I'll be waiting until Wednesday to follow through with anything on that front though. I need to find out the average workload for a student at this particular school before signing on to a new job. Making sure that there are enough hours left in the day for homework will be a pretty important factor in any job I seek.
Added to the joyous list above is the fact that I simply have to get my weight back under control. My pants are all too tight, and the scale has reached a number that I'm extremely unhappy with. So now I have to try and fit in a bit of exercise, too. With me not working, there really is no reason for me to not exercise. Don't get me wrong; I could totally give you a whole list of excuses.
According to my browser, it is currently 6 degrees outside, with a "Real Feel" of -3 degrees. I don't care who ya' are; that's just damn cold. Suffice to say, I am SO ready for spring!
Yeah, I know, I haven't posted in a while. I've thought about it a handful of times, but just never did. The good news is, the "new & improved" office is 98% complete! I've combined my office/guest room with Cody's office to make one large office for the both of us.
The other room is pretty much on hold right now, unfortunately. The guest bed is leaning up against the wall in there right now waiting to be taken to it's new home. Once that happens, I'll be able to finish cleaning up in there and hang clothing rods to turn it into a giant walk-in closet. Okay, maybe not giant to the rest of the world, but giant to the two of us!
After that, I'll be able to turn the clothes closet in the guest room into a storage closet. This house is seriously lacking in storage space, and being able to install out-of-the-way storage shelving will make a HUGE difference!
Since I can't do much more with either of those rooms for the next couple of weeks, I can now focus my attentions elsewhere. Like what I'm going to do with my life. You know; stuff like that. I've picked the choir music from church that people have turned in over the last few weeks, and that all needs to be filed. I also have to sort through the practice CD-RWs and clear them off for future use. Pretty innocuous stuff.
I've only got one more Sunday off from choir, so I need to get crackin' on "lesson plans" and figure out what direction we'll be heading in once rehearsals start back up in February. A few people have inquired about whether or not we'll have any kind of choir program at Easter, and truth be told, I have no idea what the answer is.
In addition to all that, I need to be studying math some more. I have an appointment to check out a school on Wednesday, and if that meeting goes well, I'll be taking an entrance exam in the near future. I'm pretty rusty on my simple math since I have relied on calculators for so long. On top of that, I have to refresh myself on certain equations and such as well.
Then I have that whole "job" thing to look forward to. I'll be waiting until Wednesday to follow through with anything on that front though. I need to find out the average workload for a student at this particular school before signing on to a new job. Making sure that there are enough hours left in the day for homework will be a pretty important factor in any job I seek.
Added to the joyous list above is the fact that I simply have to get my weight back under control. My pants are all too tight, and the scale has reached a number that I'm extremely unhappy with. So now I have to try and fit in a bit of exercise, too. With me not working, there really is no reason for me to not exercise. Don't get me wrong; I could totally give you a whole list of excuses.
January 14, 2011
aruba, jamaica
ooh i wanna take ya to bermuda, bahama, come on pretty mama
Yeah, I wish.
It's still cold. There is still snow on the ground. I'm still not a fan of either.
Now that we've dispensed with the obvious information, let's move on.
I was quite relieved this morning. As of yesterday afternoon, the school I have been considering attending had not updated their website to reflect any new dates for admission testing. The last date listed was yesterday, and I just was not prepared enough to feel comfortable taking the test that soon. So I spent a fair portion of yesterday afternoon and evening thoroughly *convinced* that I had missed the last opportunity to take the test for the spring class, and would have to wait until fall.
Waking up and checking their site this morning, I was able to take a deep breath. They have scheduled two more dates, which means I have not completely dropped the ball yet! In addition to that, I learned from my brother a couple of days ago that there is at least one game for my Nintendo DS that focuses strictly on math. I have a couple of those "brain games" already, and while they do include some math problems, I'm excited to find these other games that don't have all the other distractions.
I can't believe I just talked about being excited to do math. I sat on the couch with Cody the other night working on fractions, and though I made more errors in simple math than I'm comfortable with, I was encouraged at being able to at least do the problems themselves correctly.
Yeah, I know. Not exactly exciting stuff here, folks. I'm just trying to type my way into an awake and alert state of being.
Yeah, I wish.
It's still cold. There is still snow on the ground. I'm still not a fan of either.
Now that we've dispensed with the obvious information, let's move on.
I was quite relieved this morning. As of yesterday afternoon, the school I have been considering attending had not updated their website to reflect any new dates for admission testing. The last date listed was yesterday, and I just was not prepared enough to feel comfortable taking the test that soon. So I spent a fair portion of yesterday afternoon and evening thoroughly *convinced* that I had missed the last opportunity to take the test for the spring class, and would have to wait until fall.
Waking up and checking their site this morning, I was able to take a deep breath. They have scheduled two more dates, which means I have not completely dropped the ball yet! In addition to that, I learned from my brother a couple of days ago that there is at least one game for my Nintendo DS that focuses strictly on math. I have a couple of those "brain games" already, and while they do include some math problems, I'm excited to find these other games that don't have all the other distractions.
I can't believe I just talked about being excited to do math. I sat on the couch with Cody the other night working on fractions, and though I made more errors in simple math than I'm comfortable with, I was encouraged at being able to at least do the problems themselves correctly.
Yeah, I know. Not exactly exciting stuff here, folks. I'm just trying to type my way into an awake and alert state of being.
January 12, 2011
ode to puppies
you stare
you whine
you beg, plead and pace
i believe you
i interrupt myself
i stop what i'm doing
we walk together
you gang up
you tumble into me
you freak
you spaz
patience isn't yours
i open the door
i chain you up
you run out into
the driveway
the driveway
must sniff
go to the grass
go to the grass
the ever-loving grass
do you thing
get back in
too cold to stand at the door
you whine
you beg, plead and pace
i believe you
i interrupt myself
i stop what i'm doing
we walk together
you gang up
you tumble into me
you freak
you spaz
patience isn't yours
i open the door
i chain you up
you run out into
the driveway
the driveway
must sniff
go to the grass
go to the grass
the ever-loving grass
do you thing
get back in
too cold to stand at the door
January 11, 2011
what a world
I'm sure that by now, you have all heard about the shootings in Tucson, AZ over the weekend. It's not only a tragedy, but it's brought out the best (and worst) in a lot of people. I've seen, read and heard a lot of commentary, both political and personal, since Saturday. I'm sure you have, too. I'm not going to get into that here. I'll just encourage you to pray, send positive thoughts, etc. to the victims and their families.
Let's not forget to pray for the accused gunman and his family as well.
Let's not forget to pray for the accused gunman and his family as well.
January 10, 2011
totally dropped the ball
Yeah, so I've been trying to schedule posts for weekdays at 8am. Well, it's 8:01am on Monday, and here I am starting a post...
Not a very eventful weekend, really. And due to my sheer laziness the last two days, I really do need to get my butt in gear this morning. We'll see how that works out for me...
Not a very eventful weekend, really. And due to my sheer laziness the last two days, I really do need to get my butt in gear this morning. We'll see how that works out for me...
January 7, 2011
it gets old
My dog has had an "episode" for the second day in a row. I'm really not feeling it right now.
She all of a sudden decides that she *HAS* to lick. Mainly the floor, but she'll lick the furniture on her way by every once in a while. Nothing will stop her. We've tried holding her, but she just can't stop. She just goes until she's done. Yesterday's fit lasted for over three hours.
The first time this happened, I was able to hold her in one spot with no carpet and give her a lot of love and attention, focusing on a lot of belly patting. I essentially "burped" her until she threw up (hence the carpet-free area) so that I could give her a baby aspirin. At that time, we didn't know what was wrong (still don't), and the aspirin was just to get her to -hopefully- chill out enough to sleep.
I tried "burping" her several times yesterday to no avail. There's just no stopping her. She'll run to the door every once in a while, making you think she's going to expel something from somewhere, but when you put her outside, she just starts eating grass.
The only post I could find online from someone who has experienced the same thing with their own dog indicates it may be a form of seizure of else just a compulsion. The first time it happened, we took her to the vet. Much like pediatricians nowadays, they're quick to just prescribe an antibiotic and send you on your way. So for now, the plan is to just ride it out.
I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take. Not only is it annoying as hell to have a dog running around licking the floor non-stop and coughing because of all the hair she's ingesting. There is also the worry that she'll find something to lick that could really hurt her. Then there's that wonderful feeling of helplessness that occurs when you watch an animal you love go through something like this, and there isn't a thing you can do.
I guess it figures that I would end up with a dog who is just as neurotic as I am...
She all of a sudden decides that she *HAS* to lick. Mainly the floor, but she'll lick the furniture on her way by every once in a while. Nothing will stop her. We've tried holding her, but she just can't stop. She just goes until she's done. Yesterday's fit lasted for over three hours.
The first time this happened, I was able to hold her in one spot with no carpet and give her a lot of love and attention, focusing on a lot of belly patting. I essentially "burped" her until she threw up (hence the carpet-free area) so that I could give her a baby aspirin. At that time, we didn't know what was wrong (still don't), and the aspirin was just to get her to -hopefully- chill out enough to sleep.
I tried "burping" her several times yesterday to no avail. There's just no stopping her. She'll run to the door every once in a while, making you think she's going to expel something from somewhere, but when you put her outside, she just starts eating grass.
The only post I could find online from someone who has experienced the same thing with their own dog indicates it may be a form of seizure of else just a compulsion. The first time it happened, we took her to the vet. Much like pediatricians nowadays, they're quick to just prescribe an antibiotic and send you on your way. So for now, the plan is to just ride it out.
I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take. Not only is it annoying as hell to have a dog running around licking the floor non-stop and coughing because of all the hair she's ingesting. There is also the worry that she'll find something to lick that could really hurt her. Then there's that wonderful feeling of helplessness that occurs when you watch an animal you love go through something like this, and there isn't a thing you can do.
I guess it figures that I would end up with a dog who is just as neurotic as I am...
January 6, 2011
bound to happen
Yeah, I knew there would be a bad day thrown into the mix eventually. I've been riding the wave of euphoric freedom since leaving my job two and a half weeks ago. I knew that reality would eventually sink in.
Yesterday, when I went upstairs to pick up where I left off with the office debacle, I stuttered and stammered and paused and poked until I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere. It seems I was at the beginning of one of my off days. Looking back this morning, I can see a few things that I could have done differently, but... coulda'-shoulda'-woulda' and all that jazz.
While in the throes of my funk, the inevitable finally arrived: What the fuck am I doing? What am I *going* to do? *How*, exactly, am I going to go about doing whatever it is I decide I'm going to do. When? (Dear Blogger, please install an underline button. Thanks.)
So yeah, yesterday wasn't the best day I've had on this little journey. I didn't expect that I'd get through this whole big life-changing experience without second-guessing myself. I'm not into playing Pollyanna about life in general, and this is no exception.
Today however, is different. Today, I learned that I'm not alone. Today, I was reminded, is a new day, and a chance to start fresh.
I'm often quite thankful for the people in my life. Days like today though, when God gives me a reminder of just how important those people are to me and why he's put them in my path, humble me and make me so much more thankful.
Yesterday, when I went upstairs to pick up where I left off with the office debacle, I stuttered and stammered and paused and poked until I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere. It seems I was at the beginning of one of my off days. Looking back this morning, I can see a few things that I could have done differently, but... coulda'-shoulda'-woulda' and all that jazz.
While in the throes of my funk, the inevitable finally arrived: What the fuck am I doing? What am I *going* to do? *How*, exactly, am I going to go about doing whatever it is I decide I'm going to do. When? (Dear Blogger, please install an underline button. Thanks.)
So yeah, yesterday wasn't the best day I've had on this little journey. I didn't expect that I'd get through this whole big life-changing experience without second-guessing myself. I'm not into playing Pollyanna about life in general, and this is no exception.
Today however, is different. Today, I learned that I'm not alone. Today, I was reminded, is a new day, and a chance to start fresh.
I'm often quite thankful for the people in my life. Days like today though, when God gives me a reminder of just how important those people are to me and why he's put them in my path, humble me and make me so much more thankful.
January 5, 2011
not that i'm lazy or anything...
...but I've decided to go ahead and "borrow" a post from a friend. Most of you have probably all read it, since the same two people read both of our blogs...
I think I've titled a post by this name before but to be honest I'm too lazy to go and look it up. lol.
I've dealt a lot with confidence as of late and it's been one hell of a struggle I must say. My whole life I've lacked confidence and the older I get the more I realize how much of a difference confidence can make in my every day life. The shoes I think that are so awesome that I don't buy because I tell myself I couldn't pull the look off. The hair style I don't try because I tell myself people like me don't get daring with their looks, they blend in and don't stand out. If you stand out people might want to talk to you, or possibly even talk about you.
I've lived my life so far in these dark corners, trying desperately to blend in with the carpet, or the wall paper, or whatever I could to not be noticed. I believe it takes confidence to walk into a room full of people you don't know, even if you know one person, just walking into that crowd takes confidence. Did I mention that this situation terrorizes me to within an inch of hysterics? It's completely crazy when I look at it from the outside, but from within me I am paralyzed in the situation.
There has been much discussion with me at work in regards to confidence. Much of my job entails getting customers to trust me and trust in what I have to say. I not only have to say the answer, I have to believe the answer is right, even if I know it could be wrong. It's crazy but that is so hard for me to accomplish. I have tried for weeks and I'm starting to get the hang of it, but it's a very slow process. I very rarely say anything with confidence. I'm either afraid of being wrong, or even worse, upsetting people.
To me confidence is the thing I admire the most. It's the thing I notice, it's the thing that attracts me to others, it's what I admire in others. Most of my friends are confident people, some of them don't believe it, but they are, and if they really aren't? Well they are certainly good at faking it. It's just something I admire so much and require from friendships. Perhaps if I'm around it enough it will start to rub off on me.
I rarely talk to strangers unless required, which makes meeting new people very difficult. I'm cautious about so much in my life because I lack the confidence I feel is required for the situation. This whole post is ironic if I take a step back and look at myself and the things I've done in my life, but to me I don't always see it. Yes I moved away from everyone I know to go back to school at the age of 21. Yes I bought a business at the age of 28 that I had no idea how to run, and yes I moved again at the age of 33. I have done some pretty crazy things when I think about it, but I don't feel that any of them required confidence, maybe stupidity, but not always confidence.
Each small decision I second guess myself. I find it so hard to make a decision sometimes because I never know what's behind that decision. What are the repercussions of that decision, will someone be upset? Will someone be put out? If it's just me, o.k. I can make the decision, but put even just one more person with me and I become a hot mess in making a decision.
Where does confidence stem from? Where does it come from? Who instills it in you? Is it genetic? Is it environmental? What is it and where does it come from? Can it be a learned behavior?
It's just something that's been bouncing around in my head recently.
Confidence
I've dealt a lot with confidence as of late and it's been one hell of a struggle I must say. My whole life I've lacked confidence and the older I get the more I realize how much of a difference confidence can make in my every day life. The shoes I think that are so awesome that I don't buy because I tell myself I couldn't pull the look off. The hair style I don't try because I tell myself people like me don't get daring with their looks, they blend in and don't stand out. If you stand out people might want to talk to you, or possibly even talk about you.
I've lived my life so far in these dark corners, trying desperately to blend in with the carpet, or the wall paper, or whatever I could to not be noticed. I believe it takes confidence to walk into a room full of people you don't know, even if you know one person, just walking into that crowd takes confidence. Did I mention that this situation terrorizes me to within an inch of hysterics? It's completely crazy when I look at it from the outside, but from within me I am paralyzed in the situation.
There has been much discussion with me at work in regards to confidence. Much of my job entails getting customers to trust me and trust in what I have to say. I not only have to say the answer, I have to believe the answer is right, even if I know it could be wrong. It's crazy but that is so hard for me to accomplish. I have tried for weeks and I'm starting to get the hang of it, but it's a very slow process. I very rarely say anything with confidence. I'm either afraid of being wrong, or even worse, upsetting people.
To me confidence is the thing I admire the most. It's the thing I notice, it's the thing that attracts me to others, it's what I admire in others. Most of my friends are confident people, some of them don't believe it, but they are, and if they really aren't? Well they are certainly good at faking it. It's just something I admire so much and require from friendships. Perhaps if I'm around it enough it will start to rub off on me.
I rarely talk to strangers unless required, which makes meeting new people very difficult. I'm cautious about so much in my life because I lack the confidence I feel is required for the situation. This whole post is ironic if I take a step back and look at myself and the things I've done in my life, but to me I don't always see it. Yes I moved away from everyone I know to go back to school at the age of 21. Yes I bought a business at the age of 28 that I had no idea how to run, and yes I moved again at the age of 33. I have done some pretty crazy things when I think about it, but I don't feel that any of them required confidence, maybe stupidity, but not always confidence.
Each small decision I second guess myself. I find it so hard to make a decision sometimes because I never know what's behind that decision. What are the repercussions of that decision, will someone be upset? Will someone be put out? If it's just me, o.k. I can make the decision, but put even just one more person with me and I become a hot mess in making a decision.
Where does confidence stem from? Where does it come from? Who instills it in you? Is it genetic? Is it environmental? What is it and where does it come from? Can it be a learned behavior?
It's just something that's been bouncing around in my head recently.
le sigh
So this whole not working thing is just down-right odd. For starters, I'm in the midst of my third week of being unemployed, and yet I'm still waking up at 3:30am. Not really how I thought this whole thing was going to work out. It's good in that I am keeping to a regular schedule and I can still go to bed with Cody. The part I don't like is that, well, it's 3:30am!
Cody, being the sweetheart that he is, sleeps with earplugs in his ears to drown out (most) of my (and Winnie's) snoring. That makes it hard for him to hear his alarm clock sometimes, so he asked if I would be willing to continue waking up early to make sure that he doesn't sleep too late. Not to mention he's not a big fan of taking care of all 4 dogs first thing in the morning. This way, I can continue to let the three girls out to do their business and have them fed before he and Tux get up. I'm thinking the dogs aren't the only members of this household that are spoiled...
About the time Cody leaves for work, I've had my second cup of coffee and I am ready to start my day. That's when it dawns on me that I have the whole day ahead of me. Last week was a bit different for me, what with Cody being off work the whole week. I was able to get a lot done, but the two of us took a lot of time to do various things together throughout the week as well. Now that he is back to work though, the day is mine and mine alone. Well, and the dogs, too; they certainly let there needs be known from time to time.
I truly do have enough chores that need to be done around here to keep me busy for quite some time. Add to that list all the things I simply want to accomplish, and I've got quite the full-time job without necessarily leaving the house.
I finally got started on the office/guest room yesterday (Monday), and oy veh!, that is taking a lot more time than I had originally thought it would. I worked fairly steadily in that room yesterday, yet by the time Cody got home from work and I retired to the kitchen to start dinner, I didn't feel like I had accomplished all that much. I sorted and filed all the music I currently have here at home, and then sorted and filed all of the other, um... well, files. That led to cleaning out all my file folders, which then led to shredding documents for over an hour! The good news is that the majority of the paperwork cleaning portion of the project is done. The bad news is, that isn't even the tip of the iceberg yet!
All in all, it has been a fairly productive season around here for me. Truth be told, I'm rather enjoying the opportunity to get my house clean and put into some semblance of order. Yet I know that I can't continue to just clean every day for the rest of my life. My plans and goals for the future are ever-present in my mind, and I will hopefully be making progress in that area very soon.
On top of everything else, I've also considered adding *gulp* exercise to my daily routine. I really must be crazy...
Cody, being the sweetheart that he is, sleeps with earplugs in his ears to drown out (most) of my (and Winnie's) snoring. That makes it hard for him to hear his alarm clock sometimes, so he asked if I would be willing to continue waking up early to make sure that he doesn't sleep too late. Not to mention he's not a big fan of taking care of all 4 dogs first thing in the morning. This way, I can continue to let the three girls out to do their business and have them fed before he and Tux get up. I'm thinking the dogs aren't the only members of this household that are spoiled...
About the time Cody leaves for work, I've had my second cup of coffee and I am ready to start my day. That's when it dawns on me that I have the whole day ahead of me. Last week was a bit different for me, what with Cody being off work the whole week. I was able to get a lot done, but the two of us took a lot of time to do various things together throughout the week as well. Now that he is back to work though, the day is mine and mine alone. Well, and the dogs, too; they certainly let there needs be known from time to time.
I truly do have enough chores that need to be done around here to keep me busy for quite some time. Add to that list all the things I simply want to accomplish, and I've got quite the full-time job without necessarily leaving the house.
I finally got started on the office/guest room yesterday (Monday), and oy veh!, that is taking a lot more time than I had originally thought it would. I worked fairly steadily in that room yesterday, yet by the time Cody got home from work and I retired to the kitchen to start dinner, I didn't feel like I had accomplished all that much. I sorted and filed all the music I currently have here at home, and then sorted and filed all of the other, um... well, files. That led to cleaning out all my file folders, which then led to shredding documents for over an hour! The good news is that the majority of the paperwork cleaning portion of the project is done. The bad news is, that isn't even the tip of the iceberg yet!
All in all, it has been a fairly productive season around here for me. Truth be told, I'm rather enjoying the opportunity to get my house clean and put into some semblance of order. Yet I know that I can't continue to just clean every day for the rest of my life. My plans and goals for the future are ever-present in my mind, and I will hopefully be making progress in that area very soon.
On top of everything else, I've also considered adding *gulp* exercise to my daily routine. I really must be crazy...
January 4, 2011
not to advertise or anything
...but did you know that funeral homes leave the doors unlocked when they go out to lunch? Yeah, I didn't either.
I came down to Fremont this morning, and will be staying at my mom and dads until Saturday. Mom and I spent a good chunk of time arranging the flowers I had bought for Aunt Vicky's funeral. When we went to drop them off at the funeral home, I rang the bell twice and no one answered. So I tried the door, and low and behold - it opened!
I walk in and quietly poke my head around various door jambs, peeking into offices and walking down corridors. I tried to find anyone to deliver the flowers to, but the only person I could find was decidedly incapable of offering me any assistance. You see, the unlocked door exposed not only the business offices of the funeral home to uninvited guests, but a "client" as well.
***This post was actually started in October. Having apparently forgotten all about it, I left it sit until I re-discovered it last week. I added only the final two sentences to it; the rest of the post is untouched. If this entry seems a bit stunted and incomplete, I apologize. I would imagine that writing this at the time it happened seemed cathartic to me, but as of now, it feels like picking at a scab before it's ready to fall off on its own.***
I came down to Fremont this morning, and will be staying at my mom and dads until Saturday. Mom and I spent a good chunk of time arranging the flowers I had bought for Aunt Vicky's funeral. When we went to drop them off at the funeral home, I rang the bell twice and no one answered. So I tried the door, and low and behold - it opened!
I walk in and quietly poke my head around various door jambs, peeking into offices and walking down corridors. I tried to find anyone to deliver the flowers to, but the only person I could find was decidedly incapable of offering me any assistance. You see, the unlocked door exposed not only the business offices of the funeral home to uninvited guests, but a "client" as well.
***This post was actually started in October. Having apparently forgotten all about it, I left it sit until I re-discovered it last week. I added only the final two sentences to it; the rest of the post is untouched. If this entry seems a bit stunted and incomplete, I apologize. I would imagine that writing this at the time it happened seemed cathartic to me, but as of now, it feels like picking at a scab before it's ready to fall off on its own.***
January 3, 2011
with a little luck...
...I may get two or three posts scheduled today...
So I may have kinda' dropped a bit of a bomb in my last post. It was unintentional, I assure you. When I realized what I'd done, I considered editing the post, but then I remembered that once a post hits your reader, it doesn't update. So since the majority of you use a reader of some sort, I figured I may as well just let it ride.
For those of you who have already read the post in question and were left wondering: Yes, I am indeed unemployed at the moment. I can reassure you that it was completely my decision though. I did not get laid-off or fired.
I could go into a lot of long, boring detail I suppose. Since it has been two weeks since I quit though, I really don't have the energy to put myself back into that frame of mind and re-live all of that again. I've been relaxing and pondering and planning, and I have allowed myself to let all of that drama fall into the past.
So while some of you may be chomping at the bit waiting for the gory details, there's not going to be a whole lot of them. Sorry. Suffice it to say that I have been planning to take my leave of Lincoln Electric for quite a while. That job has served it's purpose in providing a good income to support my family and pave the way for me to move on. Now that time of moving on has come, and I have.
I do have a tentative plan that I have been working on, and now that the holiday season is behind us, I will be turning those cogs and gears a bit faster.
So I may have kinda' dropped a bit of a bomb in my last post. It was unintentional, I assure you. When I realized what I'd done, I considered editing the post, but then I remembered that once a post hits your reader, it doesn't update. So since the majority of you use a reader of some sort, I figured I may as well just let it ride.
For those of you who have already read the post in question and were left wondering: Yes, I am indeed unemployed at the moment. I can reassure you that it was completely my decision though. I did not get laid-off or fired.
I could go into a lot of long, boring detail I suppose. Since it has been two weeks since I quit though, I really don't have the energy to put myself back into that frame of mind and re-live all of that again. I've been relaxing and pondering and planning, and I have allowed myself to let all of that drama fall into the past.
So while some of you may be chomping at the bit waiting for the gory details, there's not going to be a whole lot of them. Sorry. Suffice it to say that I have been planning to take my leave of Lincoln Electric for quite a while. That job has served it's purpose in providing a good income to support my family and pave the way for me to move on. Now that time of moving on has come, and I have.
I do have a tentative plan that I have been working on, and now that the holiday season is behind us, I will be turning those cogs and gears a bit faster.
December 31, 2010
ruh-roh
See, I got all busy doing nothing yesterday, and totally forgot to write today's post! Damn you, facebook!!!
I had intended to clean the kitchen and possibly the living room yesterday, but got entangled in a web of facebook friend-poaching and, before I knew it, it was time to go meet my friend for lunch (Panera Bread - So yummy!).
I really don't have anything terrible profound to write about today, but I do want to keep the ball rolling so that it doesn't come to a screeching halt!
I feel like I have so much to do today without the time to do it. In reality, I don't *have* to be anywhere until 8pm, so I have all the time in the world, really. I just want the downstairs clean and put back into whatever passes for order in this house. Cody's family will be coming over for dinner tomorrow afternoon/evening, and my goal is to have almost all of the cleaning done before we leave for a party tonight. That way I can prep food in the morning, then clean the bathroom and be done. Time to sit on my butt and relax before family starts showing up and the dogs go crazy.
My poor office. My goal is now to have the office project done by next weekend. I dare not say more, as I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I am going to surprise Cody with. He has been off work all this week, but when he goes back to work on Monday, I'll be going to town on cleaning while he's at work.
Being unemployed certainly has some benefits! It's so much easier to get housework done when Cody isn't here, especially when I get up to no good! If he's not here to ask questions, I have the opportunity to accomplish a task without him knowing so that he sees the finished product and is more likely to be agreeable than if I try to explain it ahead of time.
'Tis infinitely easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.....
I had intended to clean the kitchen and possibly the living room yesterday, but got entangled in a web of facebook friend-poaching and, before I knew it, it was time to go meet my friend for lunch (Panera Bread - So yummy!).
I really don't have anything terrible profound to write about today, but I do want to keep the ball rolling so that it doesn't come to a screeching halt!
I feel like I have so much to do today without the time to do it. In reality, I don't *have* to be anywhere until 8pm, so I have all the time in the world, really. I just want the downstairs clean and put back into whatever passes for order in this house. Cody's family will be coming over for dinner tomorrow afternoon/evening, and my goal is to have almost all of the cleaning done before we leave for a party tonight. That way I can prep food in the morning, then clean the bathroom and be done. Time to sit on my butt and relax before family starts showing up and the dogs go crazy.
My poor office. My goal is now to have the office project done by next weekend. I dare not say more, as I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I am going to surprise Cody with. He has been off work all this week, but when he goes back to work on Monday, I'll be going to town on cleaning while he's at work.
Being unemployed certainly has some benefits! It's so much easier to get housework done when Cody isn't here, especially when I get up to no good! If he's not here to ask questions, I have the opportunity to accomplish a task without him knowing so that he sees the finished product and is more likely to be agreeable than if I try to explain it ahead of time.
'Tis infinitely easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.....
December 30, 2010
did the pastor just sneeze, and no one said "bless you"?
So the first time I heard about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, I was about 21-22 years old. I was sitting in church, and the pastor made a reference to them in his sermon, causing those around me to nod their heads or whatever the appropriate reaction was in that instance. I, on the other hand, was completely befuddled! I had no idea what words had just come spilling out of the pastor's mouth. Being a full-gospel/charismatic/Pentecostal congregation, I was accustomed to hearing people speaking in tongues at various times. This was different though.
It turns out that the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego is common knowledge for those who were raised in church. I was raised by Christian parents, but as a youngster, I never really attended Sunday School. That means a lot of these "common knowledge" Bible stories are completely lost on me. I know *of* a lot of references to these stories, but not the circumstances, and certainly not the details. Daniel in the den of lions, Jonah and the whale, etc... -- They're all vaguely familiar and yet totally lost on me.
So I eventually read about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. I learned their story, and it turns out that I love it. So I was filled with joy a few weeks ago when I got to read it again as part of my daily reading. -- I have a feed that comes directly into my reader every morning, as I decided last year that I wanted to read the whole Bible. --
It turns out that the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego is common knowledge for those who were raised in church. I was raised by Christian parents, but as a youngster, I never really attended Sunday School. That means a lot of these "common knowledge" Bible stories are completely lost on me. I know *of* a lot of references to these stories, but not the circumstances, and certainly not the details. Daniel in the den of lions, Jonah and the whale, etc... -- They're all vaguely familiar and yet totally lost on me.
So I eventually read about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. I learned their story, and it turns out that I love it. So I was filled with joy a few weeks ago when I got to read it again as part of my daily reading. -- I have a feed that comes directly into my reader every morning, as I decided last year that I wanted to read the whole Bible. --
Daniel 3
The Image of Gold and the Fiery Furnace
1 King Nebuchadnezzar made an image of gold, ninety feet high and nine feet wide, and set it up on the plain of Dura in the province of Babylon. 2 He then summoned the satraps, prefects, governors, advisers, treasurers, judges, magistrates and all the other provincial officials to come to the dedication of the image he had set up. 3 So the satraps, prefects, governors, advisers, treasurers, judges, magistrates and all the other provincial officials assembled for the dedication of the image that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up, and they stood before it. 4 Then the herald loudly proclaimed, “This is what you are commanded to do, O peoples, nations and men of every language: 5 As soon as you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music, you must fall down and worship the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. 6 Whoever does not fall down and worship will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.” 7 Therefore, as soon as they heard the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp and all kinds of music, all the peoples, nations and men of every language fell down and worshiped the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up.
8 At this time some astrologers came forward and denounced the Jews. 9 They said to King Nebuchadnezzar, “O king, live forever! 10 You have issued a decree, O king, that everyone who hears the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music must fall down and worship the image of gold, 11 and that whoever does not fall down and worship will be thrown into a blazing furnace. 12 But there are some Jews whom you have set over the affairs of the province of Babylon—Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego—who pay no attention to you, O king. They neither serve your gods nor worship the image of gold you have set up.” 13 Furious with rage, Nebuchadnezzar summoned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. So these men were brought before the king, 14 and Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up? 15 Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?”
16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
19 Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual 20 and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. 21 So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. 22 The king’s command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, 23 and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.
24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?” They replied, “Certainly, O king.” 25 He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” 26 Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, “Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!” So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, 27 and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.
28 Then Nebuchadnezzar said, “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king’s command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. 29 Therefore I decree that the people of any nation or language who say anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego be cut into pieces and their houses be turned into piles of rubble, for no other god can save in this way.” 30 Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the province of Babylon.
I can't help it; I really do love that story. I just wanted to share that with you today!
December 29, 2010
a free post in my dashboard
So after scheduling today's post yesterday, I saw in my "dashboard" a draft for a post that I started writing in October! When I started reading it, I knew exactly why I was writing it and can luckily remember enough details to finish the story. So that takes care of at least one future post for me! I just have to take the time to finish writing it.
I've also been saving a post in my reader as unread so that I could write a post about that. So I finally copied and pasted it over here to try and speed up that process. Not to mention it also gives me the freedom to not have to constantly click "Keep Unread" every time I scroll by it...
So this post will make day three, plus the two mentioned above, which brings us up to five posts! That's almost as much as I've posted this whole year!!!
I have a lot I *need* to write about as well, so that should be worth at least another week. In addition to all of that, I've been invited to participate in the "One Word" thingy by Bethany, which is vaguely intriguing to me. Hmmm.... maybe I'll be a writer when I grow up?
P.S. @Pete - I love it when you're random. It's the glue that binds all of us together!
I've also been saving a post in my reader as unread so that I could write a post about that. So I finally copied and pasted it over here to try and speed up that process. Not to mention it also gives me the freedom to not have to constantly click "Keep Unread" every time I scroll by it...
So this post will make day three, plus the two mentioned above, which brings us up to five posts! That's almost as much as I've posted this whole year!!!
I have a lot I *need* to write about as well, so that should be worth at least another week. In addition to all of that, I've been invited to participate in the "One Word" thingy by Bethany, which is vaguely intriguing to me. Hmmm.... maybe I'll be a writer when I grow up?
P.S. @Pete - I love it when you're random. It's the glue that binds all of us together!
December 28, 2010
way too cold...
...to put laundry away!
I had set the laptop aside to get dressed and get a little housework done. Since a lot of what I've got at the top of my to-do list hinges on getting my laundry put away, and my office (where my clothes are) is currently an ice-box of death, it turns out I've got time to start another post after all.
I really do need to get that damn office cleaned out. Since starting the planning and implementation of the Christmas concert at church, my office has spiraled out of control! The guest bed is piled with clutter of all sorts: books to be shared/donated, music the choir has performed that needs to be filed away, music that needs to updated/arranged/listened to/copied/distributed for future performances, files to be filed, files to be sorted/shredded/set aside to start another pile somewhere else, CD boxes that need to be tucked back into their obscure corners, etc. ad infinitum... Let's not forget that the bed itself needs to be stripped and taken apart to be donated to someone, somewhere, at some point in the near future...
Since I'm so limited on space in that office, our guest bed is going to be given away and replaced with an air bed (post-Thanksgiving sale, baby!) that can be folded up and stored in a closet. While I've lived here, that bed has been used on a total of two occasions, aside from when I was sick, so I think it will be safe to rid myself of the damn thing. Hopefully once I get everything that is currently hiding under the bed put into a new storage location, I'll have enough floor space to move around and *gasp* actually get some work done in my office from time to time!
For now, I'll settle for getting all the debris cleared off...
I had set the laptop aside to get dressed and get a little housework done. Since a lot of what I've got at the top of my to-do list hinges on getting my laundry put away, and my office (where my clothes are) is currently an ice-box of death, it turns out I've got time to start another post after all.
I really do need to get that damn office cleaned out. Since starting the planning and implementation of the Christmas concert at church, my office has spiraled out of control! The guest bed is piled with clutter of all sorts: books to be shared/donated, music the choir has performed that needs to be filed away, music that needs to updated/arranged/listened to/copied/distributed for future performances, files to be filed, files to be sorted/shredded/set aside to start another pile somewhere else, CD boxes that need to be tucked back into their obscure corners, etc. ad infinitum... Let's not forget that the bed itself needs to be stripped and taken apart to be donated to someone, somewhere, at some point in the near future...
Since I'm so limited on space in that office, our guest bed is going to be given away and replaced with an air bed (post-Thanksgiving sale, baby!) that can be folded up and stored in a closet. While I've lived here, that bed has been used on a total of two occasions, aside from when I was sick, so I think it will be safe to rid myself of the damn thing. Hopefully once I get everything that is currently hiding under the bed put into a new storage location, I'll have enough floor space to move around and *gasp* actually get some work done in my office from time to time!
For now, I'll settle for getting all the debris cleared off...
December 27, 2010
don't get all excited or anything
Those of you that know me are aware that I'm not a huge fan of New Year's Resolutions. I think making a conscious effort to improve yourself and the world around you is a good thing no matter what day it is, yet the once-a-year, make-myself-a-new-and-improved-(wo)man crap bothers me. I don't know if it's just the added strain we put on ourselves to follow through with our intentions or what, but New Year's goals tend to feel a bit heavier and more oppressive. Which of course stresses you out more and then you end up throwing a bit more guilt into the mix. It's just an all-around ugly experience in my opinion.
So, all that being said (written?), I really am going to try and be more intentional about blogging again. It's something I have enjoyed in the past, and has proven helpful in many situations. Not to mention it's a great way to communicate with far-flung friends and family members.
I have particular reasons for feeling like I need to write more now, which I'll cover eventually. For now, suffice it to say I've got the time and the desire. I just have to be more intentional about not writing a novella one day and then nothing for a week. I've got to shorten these posts a bit and schedule them to post later so that I don't "have" to write everyday if I get busy or just don't want to.
I'm not sure how far I'll get today. The little Christmas tree Cody and I bought to put up on the mantle out of reach of the dogs decided to take a tumble last night. Ironically enough, the reason we did that was to save our ornaments from destruction by these crazy dogs and their impromptu wrestling matches. Luckily we only lost two ornaments, despite a fall from about 4 feet.
So even though I had intended to leave the tree up through the weekend since we put it up late this year, I'm now going to be taking the tree down today. Most of the ornaments came off in the crash, so rather than take the time to re-hang them, I'm just going to put them away. I never got around to putting all the boxes back in the attic last week anyway, so getting those out of the way will be nice too.
I'm not promising anything, but hopefully I'll knock out at least a few posts this week and get them all scheduled to run this week...
Oh, and Merry Christmas!
So, all that being said (written?), I really am going to try and be more intentional about blogging again. It's something I have enjoyed in the past, and has proven helpful in many situations. Not to mention it's a great way to communicate with far-flung friends and family members.
I have particular reasons for feeling like I need to write more now, which I'll cover eventually. For now, suffice it to say I've got the time and the desire. I just have to be more intentional about not writing a novella one day and then nothing for a week. I've got to shorten these posts a bit and schedule them to post later so that I don't "have" to write everyday if I get busy or just don't want to.
I'm not sure how far I'll get today. The little Christmas tree Cody and I bought to put up on the mantle out of reach of the dogs decided to take a tumble last night. Ironically enough, the reason we did that was to save our ornaments from destruction by these crazy dogs and their impromptu wrestling matches. Luckily we only lost two ornaments, despite a fall from about 4 feet.
So even though I had intended to leave the tree up through the weekend since we put it up late this year, I'm now going to be taking the tree down today. Most of the ornaments came off in the crash, so rather than take the time to re-hang them, I'm just going to put them away. I never got around to putting all the boxes back in the attic last week anyway, so getting those out of the way will be nice too.
I'm not promising anything, but hopefully I'll knock out at least a few posts this week and get them all scheduled to run this week...
Oh, and Merry Christmas!
September 25, 2010
for he's a jolly-good fe-e-low...
...which nobody can deny!
So Cody and I will be headed south to Cinci in a couple of hours, but I wanted to write this before we leave. See, part of the reason we're headed down there is to celebrate the sale of Pete's store, and his big move and new start.
The idea of a surprise celebration dinner was thrown into the ring, and being the lover of food that I am, how could I resist. The Ladies Linn have suggested that during this dinner, we all talk about how awesome Pete is and give little mini-speeches extolling his virtues and talking about how proud of him we are. A wonderful idea, in my book!
Since I'm horrible about remembering all the things I want to say when I get put on the spot, I wanted to get it all saved here just in case. Not to mention, it gives all of YOU the opportunity to tell Pete how awesometastic he is as well!!!
In the few short years I have known him, Pete has grown by leaps and bounds. He has had so many struggles and issues to deal with, and yet come out swinging and on top every time! Upon first meeting, most would assume that Pete is shy and reserved. Little do they know, he is one of the most tenacious people I know.
After college, he was stuck in a terrible work environment, but he was working in his field of study, and let's face it -- the economy and job market haven't been great to our generation thus far! Upon hearing that a carry-out store in his hometown was up for sale, Pete decided he deserved more and pushed, pulled, prodded and pried his way into a new life as a store owner and businessman.
He could give you a laundry list of all the drama, hiccups and bills he went through during this period of life, but if you ask anyone close to him, they would poo-poo that right away. Not that he hasn't suffered more than his fair share of hard knocks, but he certainly did more good than bed in those years.
Despite going it alone and not having much financial backing, Pete was able to keep his business afloat for several years before deciding it was time to move on. He outlasted a lot more trials than I think most of us would. I know that I, for certain would have thrown in the towel a long, long time ago! Not Pete, though! He kept the business going, worked another job outside of there to keep the lights on, dealt with surly customers and immature employees for years because it was his dream, and he wanted it to thrive.
Even when the economy got worse, and pretty much crippled his business, he kept his heart in it and busted himself up physically and mentally on a daily basis to keep the doors open. He continued to remodel, rehab, and refurbish an outdated and challenging building. Yet he kept his focus on the customer and the goal the entire time.
He never forgot his dream, nor did he give up on it. He kept pushing until he could push no more, and then pushed some more. To the detriment of his health, Pete would get very little sleep and still manage to work two jobs.
Unfortunately, all the extra hours and stress eventually started to take a physiological toll on Pete at the same time. Though he never walked away, those nearest and dearest to him started to voice their concern, and eventually got through to Pete that something had to give, and it couldn't be him!
After a lot of heartbreaking consideration and soul-searching, Pete realize his time in that store was done. He had followed his passion to the end of it's road, and even though the destination looked different than he had thought it would when he set out on his journey, he was still a success. He had lived his dream; now it is time to move on to other dreams.
In the midst of all of this, Pete experienced a lot of other outside drama as well. Some directly affected him, and some only affected him indirectly. All of it wore Pete down to the point of throwing his hands in the air and giving up, but he Never. Did.
So while I've only touched the tip of the iceberg of your awesomeness, Pete, I want to let you know how very proud of you I am. You've been kicking ass and slaying dragons since I've known you, and I know you've got farther to go. I'm excited to see you at the start of yet another dream being fulfilled!!!
So Cody and I will be headed south to Cinci in a couple of hours, but I wanted to write this before we leave. See, part of the reason we're headed down there is to celebrate the sale of Pete's store, and his big move and new start.
The idea of a surprise celebration dinner was thrown into the ring, and being the lover of food that I am, how could I resist. The Ladies Linn have suggested that during this dinner, we all talk about how awesome Pete is and give little mini-speeches extolling his virtues and talking about how proud of him we are. A wonderful idea, in my book!
Since I'm horrible about remembering all the things I want to say when I get put on the spot, I wanted to get it all saved here just in case. Not to mention, it gives all of YOU the opportunity to tell Pete how awesometastic he is as well!!!
In the few short years I have known him, Pete has grown by leaps and bounds. He has had so many struggles and issues to deal with, and yet come out swinging and on top every time! Upon first meeting, most would assume that Pete is shy and reserved. Little do they know, he is one of the most tenacious people I know.
After college, he was stuck in a terrible work environment, but he was working in his field of study, and let's face it -- the economy and job market haven't been great to our generation thus far! Upon hearing that a carry-out store in his hometown was up for sale, Pete decided he deserved more and pushed, pulled, prodded and pried his way into a new life as a store owner and businessman.
He could give you a laundry list of all the drama, hiccups and bills he went through during this period of life, but if you ask anyone close to him, they would poo-poo that right away. Not that he hasn't suffered more than his fair share of hard knocks, but he certainly did more good than bed in those years.
Despite going it alone and not having much financial backing, Pete was able to keep his business afloat for several years before deciding it was time to move on. He outlasted a lot more trials than I think most of us would. I know that I, for certain would have thrown in the towel a long, long time ago! Not Pete, though! He kept the business going, worked another job outside of there to keep the lights on, dealt with surly customers and immature employees for years because it was his dream, and he wanted it to thrive.
Even when the economy got worse, and pretty much crippled his business, he kept his heart in it and busted himself up physically and mentally on a daily basis to keep the doors open. He continued to remodel, rehab, and refurbish an outdated and challenging building. Yet he kept his focus on the customer and the goal the entire time.
He never forgot his dream, nor did he give up on it. He kept pushing until he could push no more, and then pushed some more. To the detriment of his health, Pete would get very little sleep and still manage to work two jobs.
Unfortunately, all the extra hours and stress eventually started to take a physiological toll on Pete at the same time. Though he never walked away, those nearest and dearest to him started to voice their concern, and eventually got through to Pete that something had to give, and it couldn't be him!
After a lot of heartbreaking consideration and soul-searching, Pete realize his time in that store was done. He had followed his passion to the end of it's road, and even though the destination looked different than he had thought it would when he set out on his journey, he was still a success. He had lived his dream; now it is time to move on to other dreams.
In the midst of all of this, Pete experienced a lot of other outside drama as well. Some directly affected him, and some only affected him indirectly. All of it wore Pete down to the point of throwing his hands in the air and giving up, but he Never. Did.
So while I've only touched the tip of the iceberg of your awesomeness, Pete, I want to let you know how very proud of you I am. You've been kicking ass and slaying dragons since I've known you, and I know you've got farther to go. I'm excited to see you at the start of yet another dream being fulfilled!!!
September 12, 2010
ick
So I'm sitting here in the living room, all kicked back in my pajamas and reading blogs and such; not enough energy to do "X", and not enough time to start project "Y" or finish project "Z". I got through all the posts that I wanted to read, and all that was left were the more tedious posts that I just don't have the energy to trudge through tonight. Then I had an epiphany: I could write my very own tedious blog post!
Unfortunately, my enthusiasm was short-lived since while waiting for my Blogger dashboard to load, I made the mistake of looking at the weather forecast. To know me is to know that I hate, nay despise being cold. It sucks the life and energy right out of me. Now it seems that autumn is upon us in all it's colorful splendor and that means the long-sleeves, sweatshirts, jackets and such need to be drug out to the front of the closets. So long Hawaiian print short sleeve shirts; hello dry, cracked skin and cold drippy nose.
Ugh. My muscles ache just thinking about all the shivering I'll be enduring soon. The house will be sealed up and stale within a few weeks, and the only play time I'll get in the yard is the unceremonious hacking down of the foliage in the flower beds. There's raking leaves to look forward to as well, but as much as I love blisters on my hands and shivering and sweating at the same time, I'm just tired of it.
The whole thing is so annoying, really. I shouldn't be such a Gloomy Gus, since I know there are so many people around here that don't have warm clothes or a safe place to sleep. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but - Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sad thing is, I'm starting to get attached to some and the people and places around here. I can't see giving up our church and the family we've formed there. Not that it matters, as Cody is quite adamant that moving out of the state to head to a warmer climate is just not an option for him. I haven't gotten to the point where being warm is more important than him (yet), so I guess we'll be staying together in Ohio for the long haul.
I would still love to buy a huge piece of property in the mountains down south and go all John-Boy Walton. Well, I guess that's a bad example since he ached to get off of Walton's mountain to be a writer in the big city. I think I'd make a good Olivia though. Not that I want to be a woman and wear a dress, but I think I'd do a pretty good job of holding down the fort.
Cody thinks I'm insane, and while that point is certainly debatable, I am unanimous in this! I love the mountains and all that entails. I can't imagine being retired and growing old in the city. When I think of my old age, I think of a secluded life in the mountains, surrounded by nature and only what I really need. How I would love to live that dream now, but unfortunately the days of trading pelts in town for your staples are long gone.
I long to roam the forests and glens, the peaks and valleys. I yearn for the comfort of a quilt and a roaring fire, my man and my dogs at my side. To spend my days taking care of my own property instead of building the fortunes of others. Cutting my own wood rather than paying a corrupt system to deliver what little is left of the earth's more precious commodities.
See? I already sound like a grizzled old codger, so I may as well go with it, right?
Unfortunately, my enthusiasm was short-lived since while waiting for my Blogger dashboard to load, I made the mistake of looking at the weather forecast. To know me is to know that I hate, nay despise being cold. It sucks the life and energy right out of me. Now it seems that autumn is upon us in all it's colorful splendor and that means the long-sleeves, sweatshirts, jackets and such need to be drug out to the front of the closets. So long Hawaiian print short sleeve shirts; hello dry, cracked skin and cold drippy nose.
Ugh. My muscles ache just thinking about all the shivering I'll be enduring soon. The house will be sealed up and stale within a few weeks, and the only play time I'll get in the yard is the unceremonious hacking down of the foliage in the flower beds. There's raking leaves to look forward to as well, but as much as I love blisters on my hands and shivering and sweating at the same time, I'm just tired of it.
The whole thing is so annoying, really. I shouldn't be such a Gloomy Gus, since I know there are so many people around here that don't have warm clothes or a safe place to sleep. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but - Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sad thing is, I'm starting to get attached to some and the people and places around here. I can't see giving up our church and the family we've formed there. Not that it matters, as Cody is quite adamant that moving out of the state to head to a warmer climate is just not an option for him. I haven't gotten to the point where being warm is more important than him (yet), so I guess we'll be staying together in Ohio for the long haul.
I would still love to buy a huge piece of property in the mountains down south and go all John-Boy Walton. Well, I guess that's a bad example since he ached to get off of Walton's mountain to be a writer in the big city. I think I'd make a good Olivia though. Not that I want to be a woman and wear a dress, but I think I'd do a pretty good job of holding down the fort.
Cody thinks I'm insane, and while that point is certainly debatable, I am unanimous in this! I love the mountains and all that entails. I can't imagine being retired and growing old in the city. When I think of my old age, I think of a secluded life in the mountains, surrounded by nature and only what I really need. How I would love to live that dream now, but unfortunately the days of trading pelts in town for your staples are long gone.
I long to roam the forests and glens, the peaks and valleys. I yearn for the comfort of a quilt and a roaring fire, my man and my dogs at my side. To spend my days taking care of my own property instead of building the fortunes of others. Cutting my own wood rather than paying a corrupt system to deliver what little is left of the earth's more precious commodities.
See? I already sound like a grizzled old codger, so I may as well go with it, right?
August 27, 2010
August 22, 2010
i feel
Overwhelmed.
My mind never stops. The wheels just keep turning and turning, and I don't think they'll ever stop. Even when I sleep, my brain goes 1,0000 mph, denying me the rest I so desperately want and need.
Disappointed.
The medication that the shrinky-dink prescribed to help me achieve more restful sleep doesn't appear to have any affect on me whatsoever - good or bad.
Aggravated.
I've been able to view all the test results from the blood work that the shrinky-dink ordered via my HMO's website. Nothing too low; nothing too high. It's good that I'm healthy in that way, but frustrating that what the Doc thought would be a simple explanation turned out to be inaccurate.
Lazy.
I can spend untold hours outside working in the yard, abusing my body to the point of being sore for days afterward. Yet for some reason, I have to force myself to do simple things like loading/unloading the dishwasher or folding and putting away laundry.
Anxious.
Yeah, well... I have anxiety/panic disorder, so this isn't really a shock. I seem to turn the most mundane things into insurmountable obstacles.
I'm anxious about a fairly important choir practice this afternoon. It will be the first and only time the choir gets to practice a song together to be performed next week. It is also the first time that the regular musicians from the church will be practicing with us.
I'm anxious about the work week. I'm 95% sure that I won't have to work on Friday, which makes a big dent in the number of days I have to get myself out the door. Since I'm on 2nd shift this week, my trepidation stems from knowing that the majority of my bad, can't make it to work cause I'm freaking out about even crossing the sidewalk days have been when I'm on this shift. I have too much time before leaving for work to get myself all worked up.
I'm anxious about seeing old friends in a couple of weeks for the first time since I moved to Cleveland. Not to mention meeting a bunch of strangers at a party.
I'm anxious because I'm anxious. I hate feeling this way, and I always feel like it will get worse before it gets better - often times a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes when I feel like I'm circling the drain, I get so tired of fighting the current and want to just let myself go. It's so exhausting sometimes that it's all I can do just to keep afloat, much less try to swim in the other direction.
Tired.
I'm always so tired. If I sit still for more than 15 minutes, I'm almost guaranteed to start nodding off. The pull of sleep is so strong some days that I exhaust myself just trying to fight it. It's a symptom of the depression, but unfortunately it also tends to make it worse when I give in to it. It's also a symptom of not getting enough/restful sleep (see above).
Slacking.
I don't feel like I'm pulling my weight around here right now. My messy house is a good indicator of the rightness of this feeling.
Procrastinating.
I could, of course, start looking for a therapist, whether in or out of my HMO network. That would of course require motivation and the ability to push myself out of my comfort zone with strangers.
Ambivalent.
There have been so many times in the past few months that I could so easily have blown off plans and responsibilities. I just want to say "'Truck' it. I don't care anymore" about so many things in my life. If it weren't for my having to answer to about 16 or so people, not to mention Cody and our Pastor, I probably would have missed more Sunday services and choir practices than not over the last couple of months.
Going out with friends? "Eh."
Making dinner? "Eh. I can just have chips or something."
Making phone calls and/or returning emails? "Eh. Maybe later."
Sad.
Angry.
Scared.
Lonely.
Confused.
Misunderstood.
Frightened.
Useless.
Annoyed.
Annoying.
Needy.
Distant.
Lost.
Sinking.
Helpless.
Hurt.
Defective.
Zombie.
Masochist.
Sadist.
Wow. Now this is a peppy little post, isn't it? What I wouldn't give for 20 minutes of blissful sleep right now. To find out that we won't be able to sing next Sunday, and therefore free to skip church and choir practice today. To lay on my raft in the pool all day, soaking up the sun and napping on and off in the heat of the day.
My mind never stops. The wheels just keep turning and turning, and I don't think they'll ever stop. Even when I sleep, my brain goes 1,0000 mph, denying me the rest I so desperately want and need.
Disappointed.
The medication that the shrinky-dink prescribed to help me achieve more restful sleep doesn't appear to have any affect on me whatsoever - good or bad.
Aggravated.
I've been able to view all the test results from the blood work that the shrinky-dink ordered via my HMO's website. Nothing too low; nothing too high. It's good that I'm healthy in that way, but frustrating that what the Doc thought would be a simple explanation turned out to be inaccurate.
Lazy.
I can spend untold hours outside working in the yard, abusing my body to the point of being sore for days afterward. Yet for some reason, I have to force myself to do simple things like loading/unloading the dishwasher or folding and putting away laundry.
Anxious.
Yeah, well... I have anxiety/panic disorder, so this isn't really a shock. I seem to turn the most mundane things into insurmountable obstacles.
I'm anxious about a fairly important choir practice this afternoon. It will be the first and only time the choir gets to practice a song together to be performed next week. It is also the first time that the regular musicians from the church will be practicing with us.
I'm anxious about the work week. I'm 95% sure that I won't have to work on Friday, which makes a big dent in the number of days I have to get myself out the door. Since I'm on 2nd shift this week, my trepidation stems from knowing that the majority of my bad, can't make it to work cause I'm freaking out about even crossing the sidewalk days have been when I'm on this shift. I have too much time before leaving for work to get myself all worked up.
I'm anxious about seeing old friends in a couple of weeks for the first time since I moved to Cleveland. Not to mention meeting a bunch of strangers at a party.
I'm anxious because I'm anxious. I hate feeling this way, and I always feel like it will get worse before it gets better - often times a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes when I feel like I'm circling the drain, I get so tired of fighting the current and want to just let myself go. It's so exhausting sometimes that it's all I can do just to keep afloat, much less try to swim in the other direction.
Tired.
I'm always so tired. If I sit still for more than 15 minutes, I'm almost guaranteed to start nodding off. The pull of sleep is so strong some days that I exhaust myself just trying to fight it. It's a symptom of the depression, but unfortunately it also tends to make it worse when I give in to it. It's also a symptom of not getting enough/restful sleep (see above).
Slacking.
I don't feel like I'm pulling my weight around here right now. My messy house is a good indicator of the rightness of this feeling.
Procrastinating.
I could, of course, start looking for a therapist, whether in or out of my HMO network. That would of course require motivation and the ability to push myself out of my comfort zone with strangers.
Ambivalent.
There have been so many times in the past few months that I could so easily have blown off plans and responsibilities. I just want to say "'Truck' it. I don't care anymore" about so many things in my life. If it weren't for my having to answer to about 16 or so people, not to mention Cody and our Pastor, I probably would have missed more Sunday services and choir practices than not over the last couple of months.
Going out with friends? "Eh."
Making dinner? "Eh. I can just have chips or something."
Making phone calls and/or returning emails? "Eh. Maybe later."
Sad.
Angry.
Scared.
Lonely.
Confused.
Misunderstood.
Frightened.
Useless.
Annoyed.
Annoying.
Needy.
Distant.
Lost.
Sinking.
Helpless.
Hurt.
Defective.
Zombie.
Masochist.
Sadist.
Wow. Now this is a peppy little post, isn't it? What I wouldn't give for 20 minutes of blissful sleep right now. To find out that we won't be able to sing next Sunday, and therefore free to skip church and choir practice today. To lay on my raft in the pool all day, soaking up the sun and napping on and off in the heat of the day.
August 21, 2010
so what if i cheated just a little...
...I'm still posting, aren't I?
I've actually just copied and pasted this post out of an email that I sent to a friend, but it's mostly what I would have written here anyway. I thought she deserved better than for me to reply to her email via a blog post, so I sent her an email and I'm giving the rest of you a portion of that. I've got a lot of stuff I would like to accomplish today, and I'd like to get a head start before the heat starts to set in.
"Things" are kind of "eh" lately, but certainly better than they were two weeks ago. I've definitely been closer to up than down this past week, but it's kind of a zombie state with the occasional "manic" episode thrown in for good measure.
Cody has gotten a few good laughs at my expense (out of love, of course). The few times I've been a bit manic and had the time and energy to spare, I've done some insane amounts of work around the house. He says he hates that I have to go through the mood swings, and he worries when I'm depressed, but he can't help appreciating the amount of work I accomplish when I'm spinning on the up-side.
He hasn't hounded me, but he's definitely hovering a little closer, both physically and emotionally. It's sort of nice most of the time. Having coffee and conversation with friends, he'll gently rest his hand on my back just to let me know he's there. Stuff like that.
He did ask yesterday if I had made any progress with finding a counselor, and I was honest in my reply. I told him I was still waiting for the doctor to contact me about my test results before moving forward. I would like to know what, if anything, she'll prescribe as a result of those tests in order to be able to have a more accurate picture of what we're dealing with to make a plan of action with whomever will be shrinking me.
I did see in a little newsletter that my insurance company sends out that they offer classes and support groups for several things. I would be interested in their groups focusing on depression and anxiety, and Cody seemed quite interested in a support group for spouses and family members of people with these issues. I suggested that I could just get therapy by osmosis via him and his class, but he doesn't seem too eager to agree to that arrangement for some reason.
As far as test results go, I've received the results of four out of the five that the shrinky-dink ordered. The main one she was "concerned-ish" about was my vitamin D levels, and while I have gotten those results back, I'm not too clear on what they mean. I get an email notification whenever new test results are available online at their site, but there isn't any information more than my result listed beside the "normal" result desired.
If I'm reading things correctly, the two levels of my vitamin D they checked that my body produces naturally are okay, but maybe on the low side. The third level of vitamin D they checked is way low, but appears it might possibly be a supplemental level. I don't know if that needs to be higher unless my natural levels are low, so I am waiting to here from the doc on that one.
So I'm still kind of in limbo with what's going to happen with the therapy and meds, but I'm hanging in there and just doing my best to go with it. I've been tempted to just go buy OTC vitamin D and see if that helps, but according to the Dr., she would prescribe meds that are 50x the amount the OTC would be. I'm not really into taking 50-plus pills a day, so I'm just trying to be a patient patient. :)
I've actually just copied and pasted this post out of an email that I sent to a friend, but it's mostly what I would have written here anyway. I thought she deserved better than for me to reply to her email via a blog post, so I sent her an email and I'm giving the rest of you a portion of that. I've got a lot of stuff I would like to accomplish today, and I'd like to get a head start before the heat starts to set in.
"Things" are kind of "eh" lately, but certainly better than they were two weeks ago. I've definitely been closer to up than down this past week, but it's kind of a zombie state with the occasional "manic" episode thrown in for good measure.
Cody has gotten a few good laughs at my expense (out of love, of course). The few times I've been a bit manic and had the time and energy to spare, I've done some insane amounts of work around the house. He says he hates that I have to go through the mood swings, and he worries when I'm depressed, but he can't help appreciating the amount of work I accomplish when I'm spinning on the up-side.
He hasn't hounded me, but he's definitely hovering a little closer, both physically and emotionally. It's sort of nice most of the time. Having coffee and conversation with friends, he'll gently rest his hand on my back just to let me know he's there. Stuff like that.
He did ask yesterday if I had made any progress with finding a counselor, and I was honest in my reply. I told him I was still waiting for the doctor to contact me about my test results before moving forward. I would like to know what, if anything, she'll prescribe as a result of those tests in order to be able to have a more accurate picture of what we're dealing with to make a plan of action with whomever will be shrinking me.
I did see in a little newsletter that my insurance company sends out that they offer classes and support groups for several things. I would be interested in their groups focusing on depression and anxiety, and Cody seemed quite interested in a support group for spouses and family members of people with these issues. I suggested that I could just get therapy by osmosis via him and his class, but he doesn't seem too eager to agree to that arrangement for some reason.
As far as test results go, I've received the results of four out of the five that the shrinky-dink ordered. The main one she was "concerned-ish" about was my vitamin D levels, and while I have gotten those results back, I'm not too clear on what they mean. I get an email notification whenever new test results are available online at their site, but there isn't any information more than my result listed beside the "normal" result desired.
If I'm reading things correctly, the two levels of my vitamin D they checked that my body produces naturally are okay, but maybe on the low side. The third level of vitamin D they checked is way low, but appears it might possibly be a supplemental level. I don't know if that needs to be higher unless my natural levels are low, so I am waiting to here from the doc on that one.
So I'm still kind of in limbo with what's going to happen with the therapy and meds, but I'm hanging in there and just doing my best to go with it. I've been tempted to just go buy OTC vitamin D and see if that helps, but according to the Dr., she would prescribe meds that are 50x the amount the OTC would be. I'm not really into taking 50-plus pills a day, so I'm just trying to be a patient patient. :)
August 13, 2010
this is MY bench!!!
So sick Jake and healthy Jake had little contest of wills yesterday - one trying to throw the other off like Clairee and Ouiser fighting over a park bench.
It seems that healthy Jake won this round again! Spending the day working in the sun yesterday (doctor's orders!) seemed to help tremendously. Not only did I get some sun, which hopefully kicked up that vitamin D production we're working on, but I also managed to get some work done, which gave me an added sense of accomplishment to help my overall mood and disposition.
It seems that healthy Jake won this round again! Spending the day working in the sun yesterday (doctor's orders!) seemed to help tremendously. Not only did I get some sun, which hopefully kicked up that vitamin D production we're working on, but I also managed to get some work done, which gave me an added sense of accomplishment to help my overall mood and disposition.
-- Apparently my subconscious has decided to try and un-seat Bethany from the throne of longest run-on sentence ever composed by mortal hands. --
I'm feeling quite a bit better this morning than on the past few mornings. Let's hope it stays this way for quite a long while! As much as I love little vacations from work, I do need to make money to pay the bills. Thankfully I had a few hours of overtime last week to help offset the cost of being off this week.
First I need to update everyone on the kitten: When I got off the computer yesterday, I headed out back to check on momma and the baby. They were dry and safe, and I did get a few pictures. Unfortunately, since momma was napping with her body curled around the baby, I didn't get any of the kitten.
At some point an hour or so later, I heard a kitten's cry coming from one of the neighbors - either right next door, or the house beyond that. I thought it odd to have two kittens born in different places and the momma keeping them separate, so I went out back again to check. Sure enough, both mom and the baby were gone. I don't really know why she would have moved over there, except maybe she wanted a bit more shelter than what the little nook she was in could provide.
I'm hoping she's on the patio next door, as that neighbor tends to let things stay overgrown and unkempt. Usually an eyesore, it could come in handy for hiding a baby until it can see and start to fend for itself. On the other side, there is a beagle whom I'm hoping like hell does get the opportunity to turn this kitten into a toy. I will talk to that neighbor today when I get an opportunity, and let him know to keep his eye out for the kitten.
As much as I would love to see this kitten grow up in my yard (I love cats, but can't have them), I'm sort of glad momma decided to relocate. There have been a couple of hawks/falcons flying around lately, and while I love to watch them circle around and ride the thermals so majestically, I know they'd make short work of a kitten. As much as I love nature, there are some things I don't like to see or think about. I can't even watch nature shows on Discovery or Animal Planet without getting shaken up when I see animals, particularly babies, be killed by a predator. Yeah, yeah, Circle of Life and all that, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
To put Tim at ease, I will say this: If intervention in the lives of momma and/or kitten become necessary, they will be placed somewhere they can live a full and happy life. As animal lovers, Cody and I are huge proponents of adoption versus buying from a breeder. As much as I would love to have a couple of particular breeds of dog, consumerism and our sense of entitlement as a culture have created a dastardly and inhumane world for these animals. We're basically breeding discomfort, disease and pain into these animals to get the "perfect" animal. So rather than support that, Cody and I adopt mutts who are nowhere near being pedigreed. You'll find no AKC registration papers in this house. Tux and Vanilla were both taken from people who realized they couldn't take care of them in the way they should (God bless them), and Mischief (rest her soul) was rescued from a parking lot in an emaciated state and never claimed by her rightful owner.
Winifred, bless her spastic little ass, was adopted from a nonprofit group that rescues dogs from high-kill shelters and fosters them for as long as necessary until they find a loving home. (Incidentally, Cody's mom's dogs were both rescued from a puppy mill. Now that she is retired and has more free time, she fosters dogs for the same organization which rescued hers. She is quite dedicated to the cause, and way more patient than I. Abused animals come with a LOT of baggage!)
So in short (a bit late for that now, Jake), these kitties will not be taken anywhere they won't be cared for properly. Even though Cody is not a huge fan of cats, he is an animal lover in general, and though he threatens me with some awful things if I were ever to bring a cat home, he would be sure that the animal is well taken care of.
To address Pete's comment... I know the cats of which you speak and how evil they can be. So I'm sure they will pay you back (and then some) for startling them!
Yes, I did decide to stop disabling comments on new posts. The reason I was disabling them is probably too long of an explanation for an already long post, but suffice it to say that I will leave them on so long as I can receive them in a healthy manner. (Besides, you DO have my email and phone number... Just sayin')
Now, the REAL reason I even started a new post this morning (after I've already taken up 14 pages to get to this point), is to sort of respond to a comment that was made outside of Blogger. The comment was made in private, so I won't call anyone out by name, but it was a good point, and one that I felt maybe should be addressed here so that others who may be wondering the same thing would understand as well.
"I find it interesting that you are loathe to go to doctors that over medicate you and see medicine as the only solution and you are grumpy (for lack of a better word) at having a doctor that is taking a wait and see approach before slapping more meds in your mouth."
This is a very valid point, made by someone who has been paying attention! This is not something that escaped my grasp. I have had a hard time forgiving my previous psychiatrist for prescribing medications rather haphazardly, and due to the side effects I suffered as a result of that, I've been extremely anti-medication since.
Making the decision to go back on medication last fall was not one I took lightly at all. If I weren't so lazy, I'd go find the post that describes that a little. Oh hell. Hang on a sec...
Here.
So when Cody and I were sitting in the shrinky-dink's office on Wednesday evening, and she told me that she would be willing to increase the dosage of my Prozac temporarily until everything else straightened out, I had a hard time deciding at first.
See, I still really don't like drugs. I think I have been quite lucky with the one I am on, side effect wise. It was rough in the beginning, but Cody supported me through it. Once the meds had been in my system for a while and I adjusted to them, the side effects started to decrease in both frequency and intensity.
When she offered to increase the dosage, I knew that I would have to go through the process of getting used to them again, with the distinct possibility that a higher dose may cause the side effects to intensify and/or not go away over time. Been there, done that.
The reason that I didn't just say "No" right off the bat though, had a lot to do with desperation. I was on my third day of spiraling downward, and I wanted it to stop at all costs. Not only was I tired of fighting, but I knew that Cody was too. God love him for sticking by me through all of this crap, but the poor man needed a break. He just started a new job and was physically exhausted every single day after work, and I knew that him having to worry too much about how I was doing, whether I was going to work that day or not, how we'd pay the bills if I didn't, and God forbid if I was having suicidal thoughts and not telling him... I knew that was all a lot for him.
So between not being willing to put him through all that again, and not wanting to spiral anymore, I was desperate. I needed something to change, and I needed it NOW. I honestly got to the point where I didn't care what they gave me, I would take it. I would have done anything short of submit to electric shock therapy and just deal with the side effect and ramifications later.
Thankfully, I was scared enough of seeing another shrink who could potentially damage me more than I already was that I took Cody to my appointment with me.
I sure do love that man.
First I need to update everyone on the kitten: When I got off the computer yesterday, I headed out back to check on momma and the baby. They were dry and safe, and I did get a few pictures. Unfortunately, since momma was napping with her body curled around the baby, I didn't get any of the kitten.
At some point an hour or so later, I heard a kitten's cry coming from one of the neighbors - either right next door, or the house beyond that. I thought it odd to have two kittens born in different places and the momma keeping them separate, so I went out back again to check. Sure enough, both mom and the baby were gone. I don't really know why she would have moved over there, except maybe she wanted a bit more shelter than what the little nook she was in could provide.
I'm hoping she's on the patio next door, as that neighbor tends to let things stay overgrown and unkempt. Usually an eyesore, it could come in handy for hiding a baby until it can see and start to fend for itself. On the other side, there is a beagle whom I'm hoping like hell does get the opportunity to turn this kitten into a toy. I will talk to that neighbor today when I get an opportunity, and let him know to keep his eye out for the kitten.
As much as I would love to see this kitten grow up in my yard (I love cats, but can't have them), I'm sort of glad momma decided to relocate. There have been a couple of hawks/falcons flying around lately, and while I love to watch them circle around and ride the thermals so majestically, I know they'd make short work of a kitten. As much as I love nature, there are some things I don't like to see or think about. I can't even watch nature shows on Discovery or Animal Planet without getting shaken up when I see animals, particularly babies, be killed by a predator. Yeah, yeah, Circle of Life and all that, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
To put Tim at ease, I will say this: If intervention in the lives of momma and/or kitten become necessary, they will be placed somewhere they can live a full and happy life. As animal lovers, Cody and I are huge proponents of adoption versus buying from a breeder. As much as I would love to have a couple of particular breeds of dog, consumerism and our sense of entitlement as a culture have created a dastardly and inhumane world for these animals. We're basically breeding discomfort, disease and pain into these animals to get the "perfect" animal. So rather than support that, Cody and I adopt mutts who are nowhere near being pedigreed. You'll find no AKC registration papers in this house. Tux and Vanilla were both taken from people who realized they couldn't take care of them in the way they should (God bless them), and Mischief (rest her soul) was rescued from a parking lot in an emaciated state and never claimed by her rightful owner.
Winifred, bless her spastic little ass, was adopted from a nonprofit group that rescues dogs from high-kill shelters and fosters them for as long as necessary until they find a loving home. (Incidentally, Cody's mom's dogs were both rescued from a puppy mill. Now that she is retired and has more free time, she fosters dogs for the same organization which rescued hers. She is quite dedicated to the cause, and way more patient than I. Abused animals come with a LOT of baggage!)
So in short (a bit late for that now, Jake), these kitties will not be taken anywhere they won't be cared for properly. Even though Cody is not a huge fan of cats, he is an animal lover in general, and though he threatens me with some awful things if I were ever to bring a cat home, he would be sure that the animal is well taken care of.
To address Pete's comment... I know the cats of which you speak and how evil they can be. So I'm sure they will pay you back (and then some) for startling them!
Yes, I did decide to stop disabling comments on new posts. The reason I was disabling them is probably too long of an explanation for an already long post, but suffice it to say that I will leave them on so long as I can receive them in a healthy manner. (Besides, you DO have my email and phone number... Just sayin')
Now, the REAL reason I even started a new post this morning (after I've already taken up 14 pages to get to this point), is to sort of respond to a comment that was made outside of Blogger. The comment was made in private, so I won't call anyone out by name, but it was a good point, and one that I felt maybe should be addressed here so that others who may be wondering the same thing would understand as well.
"I find it interesting that you are loathe to go to doctors that over medicate you and see medicine as the only solution and you are grumpy (for lack of a better word) at having a doctor that is taking a wait and see approach before slapping more meds in your mouth."
This is a very valid point, made by someone who has been paying attention! This is not something that escaped my grasp. I have had a hard time forgiving my previous psychiatrist for prescribing medications rather haphazardly, and due to the side effects I suffered as a result of that, I've been extremely anti-medication since.
Making the decision to go back on medication last fall was not one I took lightly at all. If I weren't so lazy, I'd go find the post that describes that a little. Oh hell. Hang on a sec...
Here.
So when Cody and I were sitting in the shrinky-dink's office on Wednesday evening, and she told me that she would be willing to increase the dosage of my Prozac temporarily until everything else straightened out, I had a hard time deciding at first.
See, I still really don't like drugs. I think I have been quite lucky with the one I am on, side effect wise. It was rough in the beginning, but Cody supported me through it. Once the meds had been in my system for a while and I adjusted to them, the side effects started to decrease in both frequency and intensity.
When she offered to increase the dosage, I knew that I would have to go through the process of getting used to them again, with the distinct possibility that a higher dose may cause the side effects to intensify and/or not go away over time. Been there, done that.
The reason that I didn't just say "No" right off the bat though, had a lot to do with desperation. I was on my third day of spiraling downward, and I wanted it to stop at all costs. Not only was I tired of fighting, but I knew that Cody was too. God love him for sticking by me through all of this crap, but the poor man needed a break. He just started a new job and was physically exhausted every single day after work, and I knew that him having to worry too much about how I was doing, whether I was going to work that day or not, how we'd pay the bills if I didn't, and God forbid if I was having suicidal thoughts and not telling him... I knew that was all a lot for him.
So between not being willing to put him through all that again, and not wanting to spiral anymore, I was desperate. I needed something to change, and I needed it NOW. I honestly got to the point where I didn't care what they gave me, I would take it. I would have done anything short of submit to electric shock therapy and just deal with the side effect and ramifications later.
Thankfully, I was scared enough of seeing another shrink who could potentially damage me more than I already was that I took Cody to my appointment with me.
I sure do love that man.
August 12, 2010
i wonder how long...
...i can type with my eyes closed and my head resting on the back of the couch before i eventually nod off?
While it seems like a splendid idea, the reality is, I am an adult male over the age of 30, and nap time is no longer a daily occurrence in my life. Naps really aren't very good for me 99% of the time.
Ooh! I just had a fantastic thought!
Coffee!!! - brb
What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, nap time.
See, as it turns out, being sleepy and taking naps is both a symptom of depression for me as well as a catalyst for it. Drowsiness and fatigue are common symptoms, but it took me a while to figure out why, in my particular case, they seem to be a cause as well.
For starters, I think that when I'm super sleepy, it's probably a good indicator that my mood my be dropping a bit. Then when I lay down, I typically have a hard time getting motivated and waking up. Whether it's hitting the snooze button for an hour (or more) or telling Cody "Five more minutes," I'm just not good at waking up. When I finally do wake up, I feel crappy and guilty for sleeping so long. Add in the occasional guilt-trip when I realize how nasty I can be to Cody when he tries to wake me up, and it's easy to see how that can have a negative impact on my mood.
Today, in addition to having to get out of bed WAY earlier than I wanted because Her Royal Highness, Winifred, decided it was time to go outside, I'm just starting to get my legs back under me from being sick. No, it's not the flu or a cold, though either of those would have been like a walk in the park, comparatively speaking.
It was another spell of my favorite old crazy wackadoodle crap. Joy. This time around it kind of cut my legs out from under me, and the shame and embarrassment led me to keep it to myself for far too long. I haven't been to work at all this week, and I allowed my shame to defeat me by allowing Cody to believe that the reason I was home was due to more parts shortages at work.
I decided on Tuesday afternoon that I had had enough. My craziness keeping me from work was nothing new, as it has happened before. When I was paralyzed at the thought of leaving the house to put gas in my truck and get a few essential groceries, I knew something had to give.
I spent a fair amount of time Tuesday afternoon and evening looking up options, treatments, facilities and such on the interwebs. I still couldn't being myself to tell Cody what was going on, but I had every intention of doing something about it on Wednesday morning. As luck would have it, I was able to get a same-day appointment with a new shrinky-dink at 6pm.
Before I made any phone calls however, I forced myself to write a quick email to my Pastor to let him know what was happening and what my intentions were. I knew at that point that I needed to have someone to hold me accountable to my intended goal of getting help.
Hooray! Coffee's done...
Lucky for me, after I had my appointment set and had gotten the ball rolling to obtain leave from work, I noticed that Ms. Bethany was online. Talk about a freaking lifesaver. She whipped my ass into gear in fairly short order and set my straight about letting Cody know what was happening. As much as I hate to hear what she has to say sometimes, it's almost always the truth that I need to hear. Being able to talk to someone who can understand what I'm saying helps, too.
I have a few people in my life that I can talk to about this kind of stuff who are able to relate. Bethany is just the only one I have enough history with (too much history, probably) that I can go to when it's really bad. I can talk to a couple of other people about general things, and while I know they would be able to empathize when I get really low, I just feel more comfortable with her.
Good Lord, could it be more muggy?! Sorry - I'm sweating like a hog just sitting here typing. And to answer your question, I'd still rather have this than be cold.
Now today, as if I didn't feel like enough of a heel for being a whack-job already, I'm dealing with what the shrink told me last night. She feels I have a vitamin deficiency. Apparently when your vitamin D and/or B12 bottoms out, it can cause depression that is not affected by medication. I did not know that.
She ordered some blood work and gave me a prescription for some kind of non-addictive pill to help me sleep better, then sent me on my merry way. I don't mean to imply that it was a little 5 minute visit, but I definitely walked out of there with very mixed emotions.
Here I am on day three of a spaz attack, and I need vitamins? I'm not a huge fan of meds, mostly because of bad experience with a couple I was on before. And while she did offer to up the dosage of my Zoloft while we wait for test results and such, I couldn't believe my ears.
Now, I had taken Cody with me for moral support due to being burned pretty badly by past therapists, so I turned to him as we were leaving to get his impression on how the visit went. According to him, the visit went well. I kept waiting for him to stop her before we left and say, "Now wait a minute. He's been sick for three days to the point of not being able to work, etc. We're not leaving until we get some concrete steps to take blah, blah, blah."
Nope. He likes her and thinks everything is hunky-dory for the time being. We're just waiting to get all the tests results back, and we'll go from there. If I do have a deficiency, I'm assuming she'll write a prescription for vitamin D in a larger dose than what is available over the counter and that will be that. In the meantime, she told me to try and get out in the sun as much as possible in order to trigger my body into producing it naturally.
-- Side note: According to this psychiatrist, everyone in the Cleveland area has a vitamin D deficiency. It's just a matter of how much of a deficiency. --
So far I have gotten my results online for my thyroid and my B12 level, both of which are fine. The doctor said it will take up to 10 days to get results on my vitamin D level, and I don't remember what the 4th vial of blood they took was for.
I just feel like such a massive dork now. I already have a tendency to beat myself up over these episodes, since it's generally hard for people to understand how you can be sick when they don't have anything tangible to go off of. So telling Cody, Bethany and my pastor how messed up I was, only to walk out of the doctors office with a prescription for something to relax me at bedtime and four vials shorter of blood had/has me pretty mixed up.
In addition to all that, I'm always warring in my head when I get sick like this because I don't want to lay around the house and be lazy, but I'm always afraid that if I do "too much," Cody will think I'm just faking being sick.
To top it off, despite my firm belief that we should all do our part to eradicate the stigma surrounding mental health issues, I can't bear the thought of my co-workers and such finding out what's going on. It's easy for me to stick up for the rights of other whackadoodles, but when it comes to talking about my own issues I slam on the brakes like Sonny Bono headed for a tree.
What? Too soon?
It sucks when you're a huge proponent of living openly and authentically and then having to struggle with something like this. It feels so deeply personal and embarrassing, but I know that if more people would just speak a little more freely about their own struggles, it wouldn't be so bad for the next guy or gal.
Crap. Almost noon and I've done nothing so far today. I did take my paperwork in to work this morning, so I got that going for me. Cody had to schedule a service guy to come out and work on our garage door this afternoon because they don't work late enough for them to come out after he's home. So I've got that to look forward to as well. Let me tell you, finding out I had to answer the door and explain the problem to some random stranger when all I want to do is play turtle and hide from the world was not the highlight of my day yesterday. Since the job Cody is at right now has the potential to last up to 3-4 months though, it wouldn't be fair of me to refuse and make him miss work. Lord knows that man puts up with enough of my craziness already.
The shrinky-dink gave me the rest of the week off of work to get my feet back on the ground and learn to walk again, which was pretty cool of her to do. Judging by how hard it was to walk into work just long enough to turn in my forms, I'm pretty glad she did though. Thank God that someone at my place of employment was smart enough to fill the FMLA benefits coordinator position with the woman they did. It may not seem like much to someone in HR who is just trying to put a warm body in a chair, but when you are already having a rough go of it, walking into that office and being treated with genuine kindness makes all the difference in the world.
So now I have the rest of today and tomorrow to "relax and get as much sun as possible," which despite my trepidation of her diagnosis, is a pretty cool prescription to get from your doctor. The evil part of me wants to milk it for all it's worth and go lay on my raft in the pool all day eating bon-bons. If Cody says anything, I can just look at him and say, "I'm just following the doctor's orders!"
In reality, however, I know that I need to "do stuff" to get better. Kind of practicing being normal, I guess. It looks as though the sun may be out to stay for at least a little while, so I'm thinking I should probably go outside and try to do a little work in the yard. That way I'm following doctor's orders, but not being a worthless slug in the meantime.
I really would love to go hop in the pool, especially considering how muggy it is right now, but with the garage door guy due to arrive at any time now, I'd better not. Not to mention one of the stray cats in the neighborhood decided to seek shelter behind the garage where the pool is to have a kitten. I scared it yesterday when I went out there and it took off. Well, I should say we scared each other. I didn't see it until it ran away.
I'm sort of angry at the damn thing though. It took off without so much as hissing at me to try and warn me away from it's baby. I've never seen a kitten that young in real life before. It is absolutely adorable, but sad at the same time since it is so helpless. It was trying to crawl around on the ground, mewing for it's momma, and the poor things eyes aren't even open yet.
You know damn good and well my first instinct was to "rescue" it. I know there is no way that Cody would let me keep it though, and I can't bear the thought of getting attached to the poor thing and then having to give it up. So I didn't mess with it at all.
I walked back over to the patio to keep an eye out until I was sure momma came back before I went back in the house. The little shit did the same thing when Cody walked back there later to see it. No warning, no hissing; just took off and abandoned her baby to what could have been a predator.
I did get Cody to agree that if the momma totally abandoned the kitten or it was in imminent danger for any other reason that I could try to protect it until we could take it to a shelter or something.
I haven't been back there yet this morning, but I will go check it out shortly. We got some rain last night, and I'm hoping momma was smart enough to pull her baby into shelter. I don't want to chase the mom away again, so I've learned to sneak around the corner so that I don't startle her. I creep just far enough to see that she's there and then go back in the house. I'll take my camera back with me today just in case she's not there, but I won't chase it off on purpose just to get a photo. So depending on how negligent mom is feeling, I may be able to get a shot or two of it. Hopefully it's eyes aren't open yet, cause if the little booger sees me and comes towards me with that pitiful mewing, I'm going to end up spending the afternoon trying to find a way to hide it in my office without Cody or the dogs (yeah right) hearing it...
While it seems like a splendid idea, the reality is, I am an adult male over the age of 30, and nap time is no longer a daily occurrence in my life. Naps really aren't very good for me 99% of the time.
Ooh! I just had a fantastic thought!
Coffee!!! - brb
What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, nap time.
See, as it turns out, being sleepy and taking naps is both a symptom of depression for me as well as a catalyst for it. Drowsiness and fatigue are common symptoms, but it took me a while to figure out why, in my particular case, they seem to be a cause as well.
For starters, I think that when I'm super sleepy, it's probably a good indicator that my mood my be dropping a bit. Then when I lay down, I typically have a hard time getting motivated and waking up. Whether it's hitting the snooze button for an hour (or more) or telling Cody "Five more minutes," I'm just not good at waking up. When I finally do wake up, I feel crappy and guilty for sleeping so long. Add in the occasional guilt-trip when I realize how nasty I can be to Cody when he tries to wake me up, and it's easy to see how that can have a negative impact on my mood.
Today, in addition to having to get out of bed WAY earlier than I wanted because Her Royal Highness, Winifred, decided it was time to go outside, I'm just starting to get my legs back under me from being sick. No, it's not the flu or a cold, though either of those would have been like a walk in the park, comparatively speaking.
It was another spell of my favorite old crazy wackadoodle crap. Joy. This time around it kind of cut my legs out from under me, and the shame and embarrassment led me to keep it to myself for far too long. I haven't been to work at all this week, and I allowed my shame to defeat me by allowing Cody to believe that the reason I was home was due to more parts shortages at work.
I decided on Tuesday afternoon that I had had enough. My craziness keeping me from work was nothing new, as it has happened before. When I was paralyzed at the thought of leaving the house to put gas in my truck and get a few essential groceries, I knew something had to give.
I spent a fair amount of time Tuesday afternoon and evening looking up options, treatments, facilities and such on the interwebs. I still couldn't being myself to tell Cody what was going on, but I had every intention of doing something about it on Wednesday morning. As luck would have it, I was able to get a same-day appointment with a new shrinky-dink at 6pm.
Before I made any phone calls however, I forced myself to write a quick email to my Pastor to let him know what was happening and what my intentions were. I knew at that point that I needed to have someone to hold me accountable to my intended goal of getting help.
Hooray! Coffee's done...
Lucky for me, after I had my appointment set and had gotten the ball rolling to obtain leave from work, I noticed that Ms. Bethany was online. Talk about a freaking lifesaver. She whipped my ass into gear in fairly short order and set my straight about letting Cody know what was happening. As much as I hate to hear what she has to say sometimes, it's almost always the truth that I need to hear. Being able to talk to someone who can understand what I'm saying helps, too.
I have a few people in my life that I can talk to about this kind of stuff who are able to relate. Bethany is just the only one I have enough history with (too much history, probably) that I can go to when it's really bad. I can talk to a couple of other people about general things, and while I know they would be able to empathize when I get really low, I just feel more comfortable with her.
Good Lord, could it be more muggy?! Sorry - I'm sweating like a hog just sitting here typing. And to answer your question, I'd still rather have this than be cold.
Now today, as if I didn't feel like enough of a heel for being a whack-job already, I'm dealing with what the shrink told me last night. She feels I have a vitamin deficiency. Apparently when your vitamin D and/or B12 bottoms out, it can cause depression that is not affected by medication. I did not know that.
She ordered some blood work and gave me a prescription for some kind of non-addictive pill to help me sleep better, then sent me on my merry way. I don't mean to imply that it was a little 5 minute visit, but I definitely walked out of there with very mixed emotions.
Here I am on day three of a spaz attack, and I need vitamins? I'm not a huge fan of meds, mostly because of bad experience with a couple I was on before. And while she did offer to up the dosage of my Zoloft while we wait for test results and such, I couldn't believe my ears.
Now, I had taken Cody with me for moral support due to being burned pretty badly by past therapists, so I turned to him as we were leaving to get his impression on how the visit went. According to him, the visit went well. I kept waiting for him to stop her before we left and say, "Now wait a minute. He's been sick for three days to the point of not being able to work, etc. We're not leaving until we get some concrete steps to take blah, blah, blah."
Nope. He likes her and thinks everything is hunky-dory for the time being. We're just waiting to get all the tests results back, and we'll go from there. If I do have a deficiency, I'm assuming she'll write a prescription for vitamin D in a larger dose than what is available over the counter and that will be that. In the meantime, she told me to try and get out in the sun as much as possible in order to trigger my body into producing it naturally.
-- Side note: According to this psychiatrist, everyone in the Cleveland area has a vitamin D deficiency. It's just a matter of how much of a deficiency. --
So far I have gotten my results online for my thyroid and my B12 level, both of which are fine. The doctor said it will take up to 10 days to get results on my vitamin D level, and I don't remember what the 4th vial of blood they took was for.
I just feel like such a massive dork now. I already have a tendency to beat myself up over these episodes, since it's generally hard for people to understand how you can be sick when they don't have anything tangible to go off of. So telling Cody, Bethany and my pastor how messed up I was, only to walk out of the doctors office with a prescription for something to relax me at bedtime and four vials shorter of blood had/has me pretty mixed up.
In addition to all that, I'm always warring in my head when I get sick like this because I don't want to lay around the house and be lazy, but I'm always afraid that if I do "too much," Cody will think I'm just faking being sick.
To top it off, despite my firm belief that we should all do our part to eradicate the stigma surrounding mental health issues, I can't bear the thought of my co-workers and such finding out what's going on. It's easy for me to stick up for the rights of other whackadoodles, but when it comes to talking about my own issues I slam on the brakes like Sonny Bono headed for a tree.
What? Too soon?
It sucks when you're a huge proponent of living openly and authentically and then having to struggle with something like this. It feels so deeply personal and embarrassing, but I know that if more people would just speak a little more freely about their own struggles, it wouldn't be so bad for the next guy or gal.
Crap. Almost noon and I've done nothing so far today. I did take my paperwork in to work this morning, so I got that going for me. Cody had to schedule a service guy to come out and work on our garage door this afternoon because they don't work late enough for them to come out after he's home. So I've got that to look forward to as well. Let me tell you, finding out I had to answer the door and explain the problem to some random stranger when all I want to do is play turtle and hide from the world was not the highlight of my day yesterday. Since the job Cody is at right now has the potential to last up to 3-4 months though, it wouldn't be fair of me to refuse and make him miss work. Lord knows that man puts up with enough of my craziness already.
The shrinky-dink gave me the rest of the week off of work to get my feet back on the ground and learn to walk again, which was pretty cool of her to do. Judging by how hard it was to walk into work just long enough to turn in my forms, I'm pretty glad she did though. Thank God that someone at my place of employment was smart enough to fill the FMLA benefits coordinator position with the woman they did. It may not seem like much to someone in HR who is just trying to put a warm body in a chair, but when you are already having a rough go of it, walking into that office and being treated with genuine kindness makes all the difference in the world.
So now I have the rest of today and tomorrow to "relax and get as much sun as possible," which despite my trepidation of her diagnosis, is a pretty cool prescription to get from your doctor. The evil part of me wants to milk it for all it's worth and go lay on my raft in the pool all day eating bon-bons. If Cody says anything, I can just look at him and say, "I'm just following the doctor's orders!"
In reality, however, I know that I need to "do stuff" to get better. Kind of practicing being normal, I guess. It looks as though the sun may be out to stay for at least a little while, so I'm thinking I should probably go outside and try to do a little work in the yard. That way I'm following doctor's orders, but not being a worthless slug in the meantime.
I really would love to go hop in the pool, especially considering how muggy it is right now, but with the garage door guy due to arrive at any time now, I'd better not. Not to mention one of the stray cats in the neighborhood decided to seek shelter behind the garage where the pool is to have a kitten. I scared it yesterday when I went out there and it took off. Well, I should say we scared each other. I didn't see it until it ran away.
I'm sort of angry at the damn thing though. It took off without so much as hissing at me to try and warn me away from it's baby. I've never seen a kitten that young in real life before. It is absolutely adorable, but sad at the same time since it is so helpless. It was trying to crawl around on the ground, mewing for it's momma, and the poor things eyes aren't even open yet.
You know damn good and well my first instinct was to "rescue" it. I know there is no way that Cody would let me keep it though, and I can't bear the thought of getting attached to the poor thing and then having to give it up. So I didn't mess with it at all.
I walked back over to the patio to keep an eye out until I was sure momma came back before I went back in the house. The little shit did the same thing when Cody walked back there later to see it. No warning, no hissing; just took off and abandoned her baby to what could have been a predator.
I did get Cody to agree that if the momma totally abandoned the kitten or it was in imminent danger for any other reason that I could try to protect it until we could take it to a shelter or something.
I haven't been back there yet this morning, but I will go check it out shortly. We got some rain last night, and I'm hoping momma was smart enough to pull her baby into shelter. I don't want to chase the mom away again, so I've learned to sneak around the corner so that I don't startle her. I creep just far enough to see that she's there and then go back in the house. I'll take my camera back with me today just in case she's not there, but I won't chase it off on purpose just to get a photo. So depending on how negligent mom is feeling, I may be able to get a shot or two of it. Hopefully it's eyes aren't open yet, cause if the little booger sees me and comes towards me with that pitiful mewing, I'm going to end up spending the afternoon trying to find a way to hide it in my office without Cody or the dogs (yeah right) hearing it...
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