February 17, 2011

at least the ground is thawing a bit...

...even if my mind is not

I'm feeling a bit frozen in time. Encapsulated by my lack of direction. I need to move forward, but my compass is spinning in circles, and I don't know which way to go. I didn't really have a grand plan when I left my job before Christmas. I was totally okay with that.

I didn't expect to be working at my dream job by now or anything, and I'm not in a financial panic yet. I still have a little more breathing room. I'm just a little disappointed. I took a big leap into the abyss, and now have an opportunity to do pretty much whatever the hell I want to (within reason, of course), yet I'm like the proverbial 5 year old child. "I want to be a firefighter." "No, now I want to be a race car driver." "I think I'll be a dentist."


I thought I had it figured out. Then, while watching TV sometime in the last couple of weeks, I saw a commercial for a school that I won't mention (for reasons I won't delve into), and it started me on a Google search for some answers to a few new questions. Turns out I could accomplish way more by attending a community college for WAY less money than the other program I was all set to sign up for. It would take twice as long to earn my degree and sit for my license, but I would be sitting for my RN versus my LPN. For a little more than half the money.

Okay, same direction, different path. I can do this. Then something changed. Some voice in the back of my mind said, "You really love 'this'. Are you sure you want to head in that direction, when this one is now open to you for the first time?"

I hate those voices sometimes.

So now I have a whole slew of questions I need to ask myself. A whole new set of answers and ideas to consider.

Being a grown-up kinda sucks, don't it?

February 6, 2011

times, they are a-changin'

...and the people are, too

These last few days have been interesting for me. Plans are changing. Relationships shifting. Hurt and fear are moving forward in a new light. Love and joy are superseding pain and heartache.

Yet what of the rest? There are so many emotions the human mind is capable of feeling, hearing, creating, expressing... Where does Joy go when Fear shows up? Does Confusion destroy Enlightenment and create the need for a complete reconstruction? Is it an emotional tug-of-war match in which the opposing forces are ever-present, despite the strength of one being greater than the other for a season? Or is it an all-out annihilation of the weaker? Do we need to create each, in and of itself, every single time?

To be honest, for if I can not be honest here, then where?, these thoughts permeate my heart and soul this morning. It's a gorgeous morning. The sun coexists with the snow and cold. The snow blankets everything this morning after the storm. Yet I know that there is life under the snow. If I could melt away the snow in my garden, you would see barren ground, with no evidence of life but the remains of previous life dead and gone. But it's not gone. It's under the earth. Resting. Waiting. Preparing itself for a new day, and a fresh glory. It will build on the life lived and spent in years prior, with a similarity that I know I've seen that blossom before, but here it is again new and fresh.

The wilted leaves and fronds lying dead and decaying under the snow indicate barrenness. A cold, harsh reminder that nothing lasts. Oh, but how wrong we are to brush those tattered remnants aside and assume all hope is lost. There is life, abundant, fresh life under the frozen earth. It waits for but the hint of Spring, with it's Warmth and Sun. It has rested from the strain of showing itself proud in seasons past. It is renewed and ready. It will break through the earth and be beautiful again. If you but blink, you will miss the splendor of it's rebirth.

You see, it's not simply the day or two that it shows forth the beauty of it's blossom that gives the flower it's purpose. It desires to reproduce and spread it love and beauty to farther and farther reaches of the Garden in which it lives, yes. Yet the pure Joy, and the unrestrained Stretching of it's support, the Growth of it's tender yet vital Leaves, all learning, yearning and beautiful holds so much Wisdom and Virtue.

If you come to my Garden, you may see it Sprouting. Another day, and you may see it Budding. If you play your cards right, and you plan ahead, you may see my Garden in Bloom. There is Beauty and Glory on each of those days. Still, I can't help but feel and know in my Heart that the Wisdom, the Real Magic, and the Lesson comes from the Less-Beautiful, Less-Glorious days of Growth and Preparation.

To the Visitor, it may seem that the Garden has miraculously sprung from the Earth to show it's Beauty and Grace in a show reserved simply for them. They would not be wrong.

The Greater Truth, and the Real Beauty is shown through to the One Who tends the Garden. The Blessing of Growth and Learning and Tending. The real and true miracle of life is seen in the daily growth and care, my friends.

The Blossoms are but a Bonus...

This post is dedicated to and inspired by the life, love and smile of Peggy Corrigan.