circle of ick

December 6, 2009 9:00am

If I make myself vulnerable to someone, and it doesn’t help, then what happens? I realize that if I don’t open up to someone at some point, I may never really get better. But at the same time, I’m scared shitless, because I really can’t stand the thought of being vulnerable.

On one hand I need to be able to open up to Cody and Pastor and ______, because they have offered to try to help the best way they know how, but if I don’t let them in, they can’t possibly help. Then there are “normal” relationships. People like R and J and Bethany and K and Pete. How do I know how much to let them in without risking being wounded? How do I really know what is good and right to tell them and what isn’t. The more vulnerable I am, the more scared and anxious I am, which makes me want to close myself off even more and shut down even more, and it turns into this whole self-defeating circle of ick.

I don’t know where to go from here. I talked to Cody on Friday night on the way to dinner about how I have been feeling lately, and how it seems like I’ve had a significant number of “down” days compared to before I started the meds. He told me that overall, he sees me on a more even keel. Not 24/7, but significantly more often apparently. I told him that while I appreciate his feedback, and I understand that I should be happy that my moods aren’t all on one solid line due to some zombie-like meds I would sooner die than take, I also don’t want the range of emotions I’m able to experience to always be tinged or colored with depression and melancholy.

I shared with him my disappointment at not being able to see my regular doctor like I was supposed to, because I truly felt and still feel that he would have and should have increased the dosage of my Zoloft.

I’m on a fairly low dose, based on the average dose, granted, but I know that I was great when I started the meds, but have since plateaued in some ways and am even depressed quite a bit. I told Cody that it sucks because I don’t know if I’m experiencing depression that I normally would or if it is a side-effect of the meds and/or the dosage I’m on.

I know from previous experience that depression and suicidal thoughts can be a side effect of these types of meds, particularly when ramping up or down at the beginning and end of taking them. My thought is that it is possible that since I’m on a lower dosage of this medication, I may actually be experiencing a side effect rather than an honest to goodness real depression. Depression sucks the life right the fuck out of me, and I can’t stand it regardless of why it is happening. So if I’m actually causing myself to feel this way by taking a pill every night with my dinner, I sure as hell want to nip that in the bud, and quick.

Here it is the second week of December, and I don’t have a Christmas tree up yet. I’ve had good intentions on several occasions to get my ass up into the attic and get it done, but as of yet those good intentions have gotten me no farther than the recliner in the living room.

Another example is my phone. I was finally given the go-ahead from Cody a week ago to order a new phone, as our contracts on the family plan had finally all come up. He and his brother both ordered their phones the day after Thanksgiving, and I waited to start looking on Sunday due to the sabbatical. Well, my phone has been shit for over a year, but I’ve held out waiting for Cody and J’s contract to expire so that we could end up on the same contract cycle. I’ve been bitching about this phone forever, and now that I finally had a chance to get a new one, where I should have jumped at the chance, I found myself so ambivalent to all the phones I saw online that it took me four days to work up enough energy to care about it and order a new one. I was thankfully able to recognize my ambivalence and share it with Cody, which is two kinda big steps for me, that’s actually a plus. I told him I didn’t want to spend that kind of money and be locked into a contract until I had all my wits about me, which he agreed was definitely a smart way to go. And then the fact that I was able to not only recognize what was going on, but able and willing to tell him about it as well is something I’ve spent seven years trying to accomplish. I don’t know that this will be the norm, because I don’t think I’m going to change overnight and it would be crazy to have that kind of expectation, but I’m hoping it at least happens a little more often.

Gotta shave and shower for church. Headed off to try out CircleFest at University Circle afterwards with R and a bunch of people from church. I’m so taking a Xanax.