December 9, 2009 5:20am
I wish that I knew why I am always so tired lately. I fell asleep in my recliner after dinner again yesterday, something that’s been happening more frequently as of late. I feel bad about yesterday in particular because Cody was trying to wake me up before he left for a meeting and I snapped at him pretty badly. He was a sweetheart and let me fall asleep for a little while, and was just trying to make sure that I didn’t sleep so long that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at bedtime. I’m not a pleasant person when I’m woken up, and I’m having a hard time being woken up lately, so the combination of the two made me pretty mean yesterday. He was just being sweet and trying to talk to me in a nice way to ease me back to reality, but all I knew was someone was in my face talking non-stop and driving me insane, so I snapped at him. And then proceeded to sleep for another hour.
I just can’t seem to shake this funk off for some reason. I have a few hours here and there where I’m fine and mostly don’t think about it. But as soon as the entertainment is over, or we come home, or whatever, I’m right back in this pit. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t even want to put up the Christmas tree this year or decorate at all. I kept saying, “This weekend” and it would inevitably be moved to “Next weekend”. On top of whatever is causing me to feel this way and lack motivation, the feelings of guilt and worthlessness compound to make it even worse. So, since I haven’t been able to bring myself to care about it, I’ll just intentionally not decorate so that instead of feeling guilty and wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I can just go about my life. That will at least relieve some of the pressure I hope.
I know that there’s a possibility that I’ll really regret not having a tree up if I start to feel better. I just don’t really see that as being enough of a possibility right now for it to motivate me into action. I really and truly do not care if we don’t have Christmas in this house this year. I still want to celebrate “real” Christmas, and remember why we celebrate and rejoice over the birth of Christ. I’m just so ambivalent about the rest of the trappings that I’d rather skip it all together.