What a fah-reek-ing week. A lot has happened, a lot has changed, with more changes to come. I'm writing for a host of reasons, though I have no idea where I'm going with this. First off, I have to mention that I have deleted my facebook account. I want to start there because I know that the handful of people who read this blog will eventually notice my absence there and be wondering what's going on.
The decision to delete my profile was not made lightly, nor in haste. I've felt the pull of facebook and the sense of affirmation I seek there growing stronger and stronger of late, and I finally started to realize that not only had it become an unhealthy addiction for me, it was also becoming a crutch as well. Even when I had nothing to say myself, or anything to say on the status updates of my friends, I "had" to be logged in and checking it constantly. I needed affirmation that people found me funny or witty. I needed the sympathy, the love, the interaction. It was becoming quite unhealthy.
When I went to conference, I decided to not log into facebook at all, even though I did post the occasional picture or status update from my phone. Due to the settings on my account, I was receiving emails notifying me of photo comments and messages people left directly on my wall or in my inbox, but other than that, I was free from the chains of needing to log in.
When I finally logged back in last weekend and scrolled through a couple of pages to see what I had "missed", I finally realized that I really and truly hadn't missed anything. There were the occasional updates involving "real" life and "real" news, but for the most part it was just the same random stuff like always. Not that I'm judging the content of what my friends have posted, as I'm probably more guilty than most in the mindless drivel department. It just took a week away from it to realize that the connectedness that I thought i felt was for the most part false.
I've also realized over the last few weeks just how very much time I waste on the computer in general. I have unsubscribed from a lot of blogs in the last 2-3 weeks to keep from spending too much time seeking out entertainment in my false worlds rather than quality time and relationships in my real world.
I've not been healthy in the head as of late, and I felt that taking a step (or several) back from the little online world I had created myself was essential. After some of the events of the past week, it became clear to me that the idea of deleting my facebook account was a crucial step in my journey towards wholeness and peace of mind.
When the "last straw" occurred a few days ago, I admit that I was angry when I went through the process of deleting the account. In the peace of a new day and a fresh perspective, I realized what I had done and reactivated my profile (it takes 14 days for your account to be totally deleted once you start the ball rolling, and signing back in during that time reactivates everything). It took less than 12 hours for me to realize that even though the final decision was made at a time of anger and emotional unrest, the decision was still the right one to make.
It has been odd since that time, as I'm used to being able to interact with people whom I otherwise have no means of connection. I miss a few of them terribly, and will probably continue to do so. Yet the people who matter most to me are able to contact me or vice versa through email or telephone anyway. It may take a while to adjust, but I will be fine in the long run.
I have also decided to adjust some other things in my life that were causing stress or strife as well, but out of respect to those people which it affects, I'm going to refrain from saying much about all of that until such a time as I am able to give them a personal explanation for my decisions.
At any rate, the Cleveland Gay Pride Parade and Festival is today, and I have a lot to do before I leave. I'll be marching in the parade with my church, as well as helping to babysit the booth for a period of time. I'm looking forward to a bit of frivolity and entertainment today.
God knows I need to lighten up a bit...