June 26, 2010

le sigh

What a fah-reek-ing week. A lot has happened, a lot has changed, with more changes to come. I'm writing for a host of reasons, though I have no idea where I'm going with this. First off, I have to mention that I have deleted my facebook account. I want to start there because I know that the handful of people who read this blog will eventually notice my absence there and be wondering what's going on.

The decision to delete my profile was not made lightly, nor in haste. I've felt the pull of facebook and the sense of affirmation I seek there growing stronger and stronger of late, and I finally started to realize that not only had it become an unhealthy addiction for me, it was also becoming a crutch as well. Even when I had nothing to say myself, or anything to say on the status updates of my friends, I "had" to be logged in and checking it constantly. I needed affirmation that people found me funny or witty. I needed the sympathy, the love, the interaction. It was becoming quite unhealthy.

When I went to conference, I decided to not log into facebook at all, even though I did post the occasional picture or status update from my phone. Due to the settings on my account, I was receiving emails notifying me of photo comments and messages people left directly on my wall or in my inbox, but other than that, I was free from the chains of needing to log in.

When I finally logged back in last weekend and scrolled through a couple of pages to see what I had "missed", I finally realized that I really and truly hadn't missed anything. There were the occasional updates involving "real" life and "real" news, but for the most part it was just the same random stuff like always. Not that I'm judging the content of what my friends have posted, as I'm probably more guilty than most in the mindless drivel department. It just took a week away from it to realize that the connectedness that I thought i felt was for the most part false.

I've also realized over the last few weeks just how very much time I waste on the computer in general. I have unsubscribed from a lot of blogs in the last 2-3 weeks to keep from spending too much time seeking out entertainment in my false worlds rather than quality time and relationships in my real world.

I've not been healthy in the head as of late, and I felt that taking a step (or several) back from the little online world I had created myself was essential. After some of the events of the past week, it became clear to me that the idea of deleting my facebook account was a crucial step in my journey towards wholeness and peace of mind.

When the "last straw" occurred a few days ago, I admit that I was angry when I went through the process of deleting the account. In the peace of a new day and a fresh perspective, I realized what I had done and reactivated my profile (it takes 14 days for your account to be totally deleted once you start the ball rolling, and signing back in during that time reactivates everything). It took less than 12 hours for me to realize that even though the final decision was made at a time of anger and emotional unrest, the decision was still the right one to make.

It has been odd since that time, as I'm used to being able to interact with people whom I otherwise have no means of connection. I miss a few of them terribly, and will probably continue to do so. Yet the people who matter most to me are able to contact me or vice versa through email or telephone anyway. It may take a while to adjust, but I will be fine in the long run.

I have also decided to adjust some other things in my life that were causing stress or strife as well, but out of respect to those people which it affects, I'm going to refrain from saying much about all of that until such a time as I am able to give them a personal explanation for my decisions.

At any rate, the Cleveland Gay Pride Parade and Festival is today, and I have a lot to do before I leave. I'll be marching in the parade with my church, as well as helping to babysit the booth for a period of time. I'm looking forward to a bit of frivolity and entertainment today.

God knows I need to lighten up a bit...


Less Confused said...

I wondered what was with the empty feeling I was feeling when I logged onto facebook, now I know. :( I can totally understand though as I spend WAY too much time on there too.

You have to do what is best for you, and anyone who doesn't understand that will have to answer to me. :) I'll be happy to come and kick some butt if I need too....just provide me with a list of names, and I'm not afraid of traveling, the gun show is mobile.

Take care of yourself. I'll miss your pictures and posts, but as long as there a blog post here and there I'll be content.....and of course visits, both in Cleveland and Cinci. :)

ellenjane said...

Sometimes I think your brain and mine are way more connected than normal :)
I agree with Pete that you should be doing whatever it is you feel you need to do to be healthy. Your health is way more important than connecting through an online forum.
I love you darlin. So...when is our "Woo Hoo Pete is living in Cincinnati!" party going to happen? :)

WV: spleba: The poor mans splenda

Tim said...

Jake, I hadn't seen anything of you on FB but didn't realize you'd scooted away until today. I back you up 100%. You know what's best for you and should stay with that.

Make the most of this free time away from our madness, my friend. Do what we all should be doing more of--talking walks, resting your mind, listening to your heart. These are the stuff of the good life!

Stay in touch, dear friend. I'm thinking about you and care very much for you!


Julie said...

I just miss you. You are far, and i am sans cell for a while..

I completely understand why you did it - it's just hard for me when I have limited connection to certain people in my life I don't want to do without..

Real life is the most important one... it's good that you recognize that.

I hope you are enjoying (enjoyed?) your week off, and relaxed atleast a LITTLE bit.. !:)

Love you!!!