August 13, 2010

this is MY bench!!!

So sick Jake and healthy Jake had little contest of wills yesterday - one trying to throw the other off like Clairee and Ouiser fighting over a park bench.

It seems that healthy Jake won this round again! Spending the day working in the sun yesterday (doctor's orders!) seemed to help tremendously. Not only did I get some sun, which hopefully kicked up that vitamin D production we're working on, but I also managed to get some work done, which gave me an added sense of accomplishment to help my overall mood and disposition.

-- Apparently my subconscious has decided to try and un-seat Bethany from the throne of longest run-on sentence ever composed by mortal hands. --

I'm feeling quite a bit better this morning than on the past few mornings. Let's hope it stays this way for quite a long while! As much as I love little vacations from work, I do need to make money to pay the bills. Thankfully I had a few hours of overtime last week to help offset the cost of being off this week.

First I need to update everyone on the kitten: When I got off the computer yesterday, I headed out back to check on momma and the baby. They were dry and safe, and I did get a few pictures. Unfortunately, since momma was napping with her body curled around the baby, I didn't get any of the kitten.

At some point an hour or so later, I heard a kitten's cry coming from one of the neighbors - either right next door, or the house beyond that. I thought it odd to have two kittens born in different places and the momma keeping them separate, so I went out back again to check. Sure enough, both mom and the baby were gone. I don't really know why she would have moved over there, except maybe she wanted a bit more shelter than what the little nook she was in could provide.

I'm hoping she's on the patio next door, as that neighbor tends to let things stay overgrown and unkempt. Usually an eyesore, it could come in handy for hiding a baby until it can see and start to fend for itself. On the other side, there is a beagle whom I'm hoping like hell does get the opportunity to turn this kitten into a toy. I will talk to that neighbor today when I get an opportunity, and let him know to keep his eye out for the kitten.

As much as I would love to see this kitten grow up in my yard (I love cats, but can't have them), I'm sort of glad momma decided to relocate. There have been a couple of hawks/falcons flying around lately, and while I love to watch them circle around and ride the thermals so majestically, I know they'd make short work of a kitten. As much as I love nature, there are some things I don't like to see or think about. I can't even watch nature shows on Discovery or Animal Planet without getting shaken up when I see animals, particularly babies, be killed by a predator. Yeah, yeah, Circle of Life and all that, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

To put Tim at ease, I will say this: If intervention in the lives of momma and/or kitten become necessary, they will be placed somewhere they can live a full and happy life. As animal lovers, Cody and I are huge proponents of adoption versus buying from a breeder. As much as I would love to have a couple of particular breeds of dog, consumerism and our sense of entitlement as a culture have created a dastardly and inhumane world for these animals. We're basically breeding discomfort, disease and pain into these animals to get the "perfect" animal. So rather than support that, Cody and I adopt mutts who are nowhere near being pedigreed. You'll find no AKC registration papers in this house. Tux and Vanilla were both taken from people who realized they couldn't take care of them in the way they should (God bless them), and Mischief (rest her soul) was rescued from a parking lot in an emaciated state and never claimed by her rightful owner.

Winifred, bless her spastic little ass, was adopted from a nonprofit group that rescues dogs from high-kill shelters and fosters them for as long as necessary until they find a loving home. (Incidentally, Cody's mom's dogs were both rescued from a puppy mill. Now that she is retired and has more free time, she fosters dogs for the same organization which rescued hers. She is quite dedicated to the cause, and way more patient than I. Abused animals come with a LOT of baggage!)

So in short (a bit late for that now, Jake), these kitties will not be taken anywhere they won't be cared for properly. Even though Cody is not a huge fan of cats, he is an animal lover in general, and though he threatens me with some awful things if I were ever to bring a cat home, he would be sure that the animal is well taken care of.

To address Pete's comment... I know the cats of which you speak and how evil they can be. So I'm sure they will pay you back (and then some) for startling them!

Yes, I did decide to stop disabling comments on new posts. The reason I was disabling them is probably too long of an explanation for an already long post, but suffice it to say that I will leave them on so long as I can receive them in a healthy manner. (Besides, you DO have my email and phone number... Just sayin')

Now, the REAL reason I even started a new post this morning (after I've already taken up 14 pages to get to this point), is to sort of respond to a comment that was made outside of Blogger. The comment was made in private, so I won't call anyone out by name, but it was a good point, and one that I felt maybe should be addressed here so that others who may be wondering the same thing would understand as well.

"I find it interesting that you are loathe to go to doctors that over medicate you and see medicine as the only solution and you are grumpy (for lack of a better word) at having a doctor that is taking a wait and see approach before slapping more meds in your mouth."

This is a very valid point, made by someone who has been paying attention! This is not something that escaped my grasp. I have had a hard time forgiving my previous psychiatrist for prescribing medications rather haphazardly, and due to the side effects I suffered as a result of that, I've been extremely anti-medication since.

Making the decision to go back on medication last fall was not one I took lightly at all. If I weren't so lazy, I'd go find the post that describes that a little. Oh hell. Hang on a sec...

Here.

So when Cody and I were sitting in the shrinky-dink's office on Wednesday evening, and she told me that she would be willing to increase the dosage of my Prozac temporarily until everything else straightened out, I had a hard time deciding at first.

See, I still really don't like drugs. I think I have been quite lucky with the one I am on, side effect wise. It was rough in the beginning, but Cody supported me through it. Once the meds had been in my system for a while and I adjusted to them, the side effects started to decrease in both frequency and intensity.

When she offered to increase the dosage, I knew that I would have to go through the process of getting used to them again, with the distinct possibility that a higher dose may cause the side effects to intensify and/or not go away over time. Been there, done that.

The reason that I didn't just say "No" right off the bat though, had a lot to do with desperation. I was on my third day of spiraling downward, and I wanted it to stop at all costs. Not only was I tired of fighting, but I knew that Cody was too. God love him for sticking by me through all of this crap, but the poor man needed a break. He just started a new job and was physically exhausted every single day after work, and I knew that him having to worry too much about how I was doing, whether I was going to work that day or not, how we'd pay the bills if I didn't, and God forbid if I was having suicidal thoughts and not telling him... I knew that was all a lot for him.

So between not being willing to put him through all that again, and not wanting to spiral anymore, I was desperate. I needed something to change, and I needed it NOW. I honestly got to the point where I didn't care what they gave me, I would take it. I would have done anything short of submit to electric shock therapy and just deal with the side effect and ramifications later.

Thankfully, I was scared enough of seeing another shrink who could potentially damage me more than I already was that I took Cody to my appointment with me.

I sure do love that man.


5 comments:

ellenjane said...

I love the tone of this post. Addressing scary things but doing so with a mix of humor and hope.
Love you babe!

ellenjane said...

Oh, and also. Gertrude chewed on Pete's elbow last night while he was trying to play Mario 3, so I'd say the payback has begun (the little slut)

Pete said...

I love having two posts, although the last one made me miss you guys, and now I miss the puppies too.

I'm very glad the right side is winning currently, I'll get the cheerleader uniform out to cheer you on....hey, I can make it look good. lol. Alright, I'll pass on the uniform, but can I at least keep the pom poms?

Allen Harris said...

Hey Jake,
Thanks, so much, for reminding me to read your posts. I regret that I allow the busy-ness of life to cause me to forget you have such an amazing gift you offer those who love you. Like many gifts, I've got them, now I just need to utilize them more!

I'm so impressed by you and your willingness to live life fully and honestly. And by "impressed" I am not implying that I put you on a pedestal (God knows you'd scowl at me for that!) but simply to say you offer hope to the rest of us. Thanks.

I'm glad I read today's post (Friday) before responding to the post yesterday, cuz you came to the same conclusion I was going to point out. Actually, we human beings are so gracefully (and I use that tongue-and-cheek toward the Almighty!) gracefully *complex* that no single "fix" will ever really work on our ills. And not just in re: depression, we require a myriad (ooooh - I was hoping to use that word today!) of responses to outta whack physical, social, mental, financial, and yes, even spiritual things.

You also remind me that I need to be more up front about my own bouts of depression, because I'm not ashamed of them, and knowing that a "Pastor" has been there just might help more people. I hope. I added it up, and over my lifetime I've spent almost a decade in therapy, much of it weekly. I've been on both Zoloft and Wellbutrin. I've been curled up hugging a pillow on the living room floor more times than I want to admit. And yet it is the courage and honesty of people like you, Jake, that keep me going. Thank you for that gift. Not to overstate it (see "Jake-Warning" above) but you are a divine gift to those who know you.

Peace.
Proudly, Your Pastor,
Allen
P.S. I am a cat-person also, and so I thank you for being the hovering angel you have been. Go Kitty!

Allen Harris said...
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