August 22, 2010

i feel


My mind never stops. The wheels just keep turning and turning, and I don't think they'll ever stop. Even when I sleep, my brain goes 1,0000 mph, denying me the rest I so desperately want and need.


The medication that the shrinky-dink prescribed to help me achieve more restful sleep doesn't appear to have any affect on me whatsoever - good or bad.


I've been able to view all the test results from the blood work that the shrinky-dink ordered via my HMO's website. Nothing too low; nothing too high. It's good that I'm healthy in that way, but frustrating that what the Doc thought would be a simple explanation turned out to be inaccurate.


I can spend untold hours outside working in the yard, abusing my body to the point of being sore for days afterward. Yet for some reason, I have to force myself to do simple things like loading/unloading the dishwasher or folding and putting away laundry.


Yeah, well... I have anxiety/panic disorder, so this isn't really a shock. I seem to turn the most mundane things into insurmountable obstacles.

I'm anxious about a fairly important choir practice this afternoon. It will be the first and only time the choir gets to practice a song together to be performed next week. It is also the first time that the regular musicians from the church will be practicing with us.

I'm anxious about the work week. I'm 95% sure that I won't have to work on Friday, which makes a big dent in the number of days I have to get myself out the door. Since I'm on 2nd shift this week, my trepidation stems from knowing that the majority of my bad, can't make it to work cause I'm freaking out about even crossing the sidewalk days have been when I'm on this shift. I have too much time before leaving for work to get myself all worked up.

I'm anxious about seeing old friends in a couple of weeks for the first time since I moved to Cleveland. Not to mention meeting a bunch of strangers at a party.

I'm anxious because I'm anxious. I hate feeling this way, and I always feel like it will get worse before it gets better - often times a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes when I feel like I'm circling the drain, I get so tired of fighting the current and want to just let myself go. It's so exhausting sometimes that it's all I can do just to keep afloat, much less try to swim in the other direction.


I'm always so tired. If I sit still for more than 15 minutes, I'm almost guaranteed to start nodding off. The pull of sleep is so strong some days that I exhaust myself just trying to fight it. It's a symptom of the depression, but unfortunately it also tends to make it worse when I give in to it. It's also a symptom of not getting enough/restful sleep (see above).


I don't feel like I'm pulling my weight around here right now. My messy house is a good indicator of the rightness of this feeling.


I could, of course, start looking for a therapist, whether in or out of my HMO network. That would of course require motivation and the ability to push myself out of my comfort zone with strangers.


There have been so many times in the past few months that I could so easily have blown off plans and responsibilities. I just want to say "'Truck' it. I don't care anymore" about so many things in my life. If it weren't for my having to answer to about 16 or so people, not to mention Cody and our Pastor, I probably would have missed more Sunday services and choir practices than not over the last couple of months.

Going out with friends? "Eh."

Making dinner? "Eh. I can just have chips or something."

Making phone calls and/or returning emails? "Eh. Maybe later."





















Wow. Now this is a peppy little post, isn't it? What I wouldn't give for 20 minutes of blissful sleep right now. To find out that we won't be able to sing next Sunday, and therefore free to skip church and choir practice today. To lay on my raft in the pool all day, soaking up the sun and napping on and off in the heat of the day.


Mommyto3 said...

i've got disenchanted added to my list.
I've got blaze' as well.

Hope you get through the day. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Who knows what the tide will bring in?

Pete said...

I would love a little of that bottom paragraph myself.

I have enough of the rest of it to not want anymore.

You're going to make it. I could type out all sorts of typical lines here, but honestly I'd rather just come over and go out for coffee.

I think we could both use it. :)