February 6, 2009

...there's been a run of crazy dreams...

That's a line from one of my favorite musicals, "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." Oh, that life were just a funny little musical with a happy resolution to all problems in the span of a few hours!

It's not so strange for me to have a night filled with crazy dreams. Happens all the time. Sometimes they're just run-of-the-mill crazy, and don't bother me a whole lot. Other times they're so emotionally intense that my mind and body are as active, if not more, than if I were awake. I can get a full nights sleep, but dream through a good portion of it and wake up as tired as if I had only slept a few hours. It can be quite irritating. I've told Cody countless times at bedtime, "I just want to sleep! No dreams! Not even the good kind!"

As you may have guessed by now, last night was one of those restless crazy dream nights. The first "set" wasn't so bad. I dreamed about my ex-girlfriend, current friend (though I unfortunately don't see or talk to her very often) Alaina. It was actually fun at first. We were hanging out downtown for some reason or another, and she wanted to go for a walk. Problem is, she wanted to go for a walk over the Detroit-Superior bridge. This particular bridge has two levels. The top level for cars, and the bottom level for passenger trains. It was built back when Cleveland had the intention of using these train/trolley cars as public transportation, but is now unused. -They do open it up a few times a year for tours if you're ever interested-

So Alaina wants to walk over the Cuyahoga river on the underside of this bridge on steel grating. I'm SO not into it, seeing as I'm afraid of heights. Next thing I know, were under the bridge and standing in the employee area of this train station (which is completely made up, as I've never seen it before in my life). She works there now, and is introducing me to all her co-workers. Weird. Also mental agitation #1, due to the fear of heights.

Then, for some reason, I'm vaccuming all the furniture in my trailer because I don't want the movers to see all the dog hair. Very strange.

Now, I'm walking down the street, though I couldn't tell you where or why. I think I was with my brother, but I don't remember. This sweet old black lady comes out of a big house and invites us in. Apparently a local congregation owns the house, and they're cleaning it out either to sell it of fix it up, I don't remember.

So we're basically rummaging through this house full of stuff, allowed to take whatever we want. I remember my cousin in here at some point, and some minor agitation, but its lost on me at this point. I do remember pulling a big pile of shirts out of a closet and stacking them up on the floor to go through them while talking to the lady who invited us in. We were laughing about my inability to pass up a good deal and my propensity to grab every button down in sight.

Then, I was at work. I don't know how the rest of the world dreams, but for me personally, I can be in a total unfamiliar place, and still know where I am. The same goes for people. They don't necessarily have to look like their real-life selves for me to know who they are. I guess it's my minds representation of them more than anything else. So I was at Lincoln, but it wasn't the same Lincoln I go to every day. There were some big differences.

The long and the short of it, and the reason my thoughts and emotions are agitated enough to plop my ass in my chair to start writing before I'm even done with my coffee is this: I dreamt of Andy again.

I won't say I dream about him a lot, but it's often enough to keep him on my mind usually. This time, I'm pretty sure it was the other way around though. I don't remember the date, but I know his birthday is in February, so I've been thinking about him a lot, and I have been wanting to get him a birthday card to send him. To wish him a happy birthday, to let him know I think about him a lot and to let him know I still want to try.

I don't usually regret removing all my blog posts, but this morning I kinda do. I wrote a big long post about being reunited with Andy at Belinda's band geek reunion party about a year and a half ago, and it would be so much easier if I could just link to it.

I guess the easiest way to get those who are out of the loop up to speed is to just say that Andy and I met my senior year when we were both working at Wendy's. We were just kind of casual acquaintances for a long time, but then I went through a pretty rough spot, and of all people, Andy was my rock. We became fairly close through all of it, and I credit him for saving my life.

He ended up living with us at my mom and dads the following summer after he graduated, and then a few years later he lived with me for a short time while I was living in the trailer. Our relationship became more and more distant, a lot of details I need to skip for the sake of time, and then we finally saw each other again at Belinda's in Aug. or Sept. of '07. We had a long, long talk in her driveway, and the long and the short of it is, even though we promised to stay in touch, we haven't. I gave him my number. Put it in his phone for him, actually. I never got his though. I've tried looking him up on the internet and the only number I ever got goes un-answered and has no answering machine or voicemail. So I'm not even sure if that's the right number.

At any rate, as I said, it's not strange at all for me to dream about Andy. I'll go through periods where I dream about him at least once a week or more, and consequently think about him a lot in my waking hours too. In these dreams, we're the way we always were. Him being so busy living life to it's fullest, and I'm grateful for anytime I get to spend with my closest friend and most trusted confidant.

This time was different.

I was walking through the plant, and I saw him. When our eyes met, I knew something was different. I gave him a small smile, but we just nodded at each other and went our own ways. I then saw him later, in the restroom of all places. I was at the urinal taking care of business and trying to sneak a cigarette break, and he was leaning against the far wall with someone I don't know smoking a cigarette. (FYI- Way weird part of the dream. There are people stupid enough to smoke in the stalls at Lincoln, you can smell it on occasion when you go into the locker room. They have a STRICT no smoking on the property rule though. I can say with all honesty I have never smoked on the property, so standing out in the open at the urinal with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth was just weird.)

As I finished up, Andy stepped to the urinal to take care of his own business, and I just simply said, "Call me when you get home." Either the dream ended there, or that's all I remember of it.

I woke up absolutely crushed. In the past, my dreams are the one place Andy and I are still friends. Not so much last night. Last night, in that dream, reality and crept over into the land of Nod, and we were estranged even there.

Oddly enough, I still consider Andy my best friend. I haven't acted like it in the past, and I have apologized profusely for it. I promised to make amends, and I looked forward to the opportunity. I have yet to have the chance to do that, but I'm still hopeful. I need to buy that birthday card. I've got to give it one more shot.


ellenjane said...

I love you, thanks for sharing

Pete said...

I totally agree with you that it's worth one more shot, and maybe one after that too. It just depends on how much you want to put into it. Just on the off chance he's over the friendship (how could anyone be over a friendship with you?) you'll be faced with the decision of letting it go.

If you do have to let it go it doesn't mean he can't be your best friend. Sometimes people are only in our lives just long enough to serve a purpose and then they have to move on, it's not a bad thing, but it isn't always easy either.

Perhaps his purpose in your life was to save you. Save you for bigger and better things.

But then again this could all be crap and he just lost his phone and has been thinking about you too but doesn't know how to bridge that gap of estrangement that distance can sometimes cause.

Either way if you still want his friendship, don't give up, sometimes all it takes is a little effort and what you're doing is a great start.

It's so great to read a blog again from you.

(I had to out hug B! lol)