...even if my mind is not
I'm feeling a bit frozen in time. Encapsulated by my lack of direction. I need to move forward, but my compass is spinning in circles, and I don't know which way to go. I didn't really have a grand plan when I left my job before Christmas. I was totally okay with that.
I didn't expect to be working at my dream job by now or anything, and I'm not in a financial panic yet. I still have a little more breathing room. I'm just a little disappointed. I took a big leap into the abyss, and now have an opportunity to do pretty much whatever the hell I want to (within reason, of course), yet I'm like the proverbial 5 year old child. "I want to be a firefighter." "No, now I want to be a race car driver." "I think I'll be a dentist."
Oy-freaking-vey!
I thought I had it figured out. Then, while watching TV sometime in the last couple of weeks, I saw a commercial for a school that I won't mention (for reasons I won't delve into), and it started me on a Google search for some answers to a few new questions. Turns out I could accomplish way more by attending a community college for WAY less money than the other program I was all set to sign up for. It would take twice as long to earn my degree and sit for my license, but I would be sitting for my RN versus my LPN. For a little more than half the money.
Okay, same direction, different path. I can do this. Then something changed. Some voice in the back of my mind said, "You really love 'this'. Are you sure you want to head in that direction, when this one is now open to you for the first time?"
I hate those voices sometimes.
So now I have a whole slew of questions I need to ask myself. A whole new set of answers and ideas to consider.
Being a grown-up kinda sucks, don't it?
Showing posts with label Journaling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Journaling. Show all posts
February 17, 2011
January 6, 2011
bound to happen
Yeah, I knew there would be a bad day thrown into the mix eventually. I've been riding the wave of euphoric freedom since leaving my job two and a half weeks ago. I knew that reality would eventually sink in.
Yesterday, when I went upstairs to pick up where I left off with the office debacle, I stuttered and stammered and paused and poked until I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere. It seems I was at the beginning of one of my off days. Looking back this morning, I can see a few things that I could have done differently, but... coulda'-shoulda'-woulda' and all that jazz.
While in the throes of my funk, the inevitable finally arrived: What the fuck am I doing? What am I *going* to do? *How*, exactly, am I going to go about doing whatever it is I decide I'm going to do. When? (Dear Blogger, please install an underline button. Thanks.)
So yeah, yesterday wasn't the best day I've had on this little journey. I didn't expect that I'd get through this whole big life-changing experience without second-guessing myself. I'm not into playing Pollyanna about life in general, and this is no exception.
Today however, is different. Today, I learned that I'm not alone. Today, I was reminded, is a new day, and a chance to start fresh.
I'm often quite thankful for the people in my life. Days like today though, when God gives me a reminder of just how important those people are to me and why he's put them in my path, humble me and make me so much more thankful.
Yesterday, when I went upstairs to pick up where I left off with the office debacle, I stuttered and stammered and paused and poked until I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere. It seems I was at the beginning of one of my off days. Looking back this morning, I can see a few things that I could have done differently, but... coulda'-shoulda'-woulda' and all that jazz.
While in the throes of my funk, the inevitable finally arrived: What the fuck am I doing? What am I *going* to do? *How*, exactly, am I going to go about doing whatever it is I decide I'm going to do. When? (Dear Blogger, please install an underline button. Thanks.)
So yeah, yesterday wasn't the best day I've had on this little journey. I didn't expect that I'd get through this whole big life-changing experience without second-guessing myself. I'm not into playing Pollyanna about life in general, and this is no exception.
Today however, is different. Today, I learned that I'm not alone. Today, I was reminded, is a new day, and a chance to start fresh.
I'm often quite thankful for the people in my life. Days like today though, when God gives me a reminder of just how important those people are to me and why he's put them in my path, humble me and make me so much more thankful.
January 5, 2011
le sigh
So this whole not working thing is just down-right odd. For starters, I'm in the midst of my third week of being unemployed, and yet I'm still waking up at 3:30am. Not really how I thought this whole thing was going to work out. It's good in that I am keeping to a regular schedule and I can still go to bed with Cody. The part I don't like is that, well, it's 3:30am!
Cody, being the sweetheart that he is, sleeps with earplugs in his ears to drown out (most) of my (and Winnie's) snoring. That makes it hard for him to hear his alarm clock sometimes, so he asked if I would be willing to continue waking up early to make sure that he doesn't sleep too late. Not to mention he's not a big fan of taking care of all 4 dogs first thing in the morning. This way, I can continue to let the three girls out to do their business and have them fed before he and Tux get up. I'm thinking the dogs aren't the only members of this household that are spoiled...
About the time Cody leaves for work, I've had my second cup of coffee and I am ready to start my day. That's when it dawns on me that I have the whole day ahead of me. Last week was a bit different for me, what with Cody being off work the whole week. I was able to get a lot done, but the two of us took a lot of time to do various things together throughout the week as well. Now that he is back to work though, the day is mine and mine alone. Well, and the dogs, too; they certainly let there needs be known from time to time.
I truly do have enough chores that need to be done around here to keep me busy for quite some time. Add to that list all the things I simply want to accomplish, and I've got quite the full-time job without necessarily leaving the house.
I finally got started on the office/guest room yesterday (Monday), and oy veh!, that is taking a lot more time than I had originally thought it would. I worked fairly steadily in that room yesterday, yet by the time Cody got home from work and I retired to the kitchen to start dinner, I didn't feel like I had accomplished all that much. I sorted and filed all the music I currently have here at home, and then sorted and filed all of the other, um... well, files. That led to cleaning out all my file folders, which then led to shredding documents for over an hour! The good news is that the majority of the paperwork cleaning portion of the project is done. The bad news is, that isn't even the tip of the iceberg yet!
All in all, it has been a fairly productive season around here for me. Truth be told, I'm rather enjoying the opportunity to get my house clean and put into some semblance of order. Yet I know that I can't continue to just clean every day for the rest of my life. My plans and goals for the future are ever-present in my mind, and I will hopefully be making progress in that area very soon.
On top of everything else, I've also considered adding *gulp* exercise to my daily routine. I really must be crazy...
Cody, being the sweetheart that he is, sleeps with earplugs in his ears to drown out (most) of my (and Winnie's) snoring. That makes it hard for him to hear his alarm clock sometimes, so he asked if I would be willing to continue waking up early to make sure that he doesn't sleep too late. Not to mention he's not a big fan of taking care of all 4 dogs first thing in the morning. This way, I can continue to let the three girls out to do their business and have them fed before he and Tux get up. I'm thinking the dogs aren't the only members of this household that are spoiled...
About the time Cody leaves for work, I've had my second cup of coffee and I am ready to start my day. That's when it dawns on me that I have the whole day ahead of me. Last week was a bit different for me, what with Cody being off work the whole week. I was able to get a lot done, but the two of us took a lot of time to do various things together throughout the week as well. Now that he is back to work though, the day is mine and mine alone. Well, and the dogs, too; they certainly let there needs be known from time to time.
I truly do have enough chores that need to be done around here to keep me busy for quite some time. Add to that list all the things I simply want to accomplish, and I've got quite the full-time job without necessarily leaving the house.
I finally got started on the office/guest room yesterday (Monday), and oy veh!, that is taking a lot more time than I had originally thought it would. I worked fairly steadily in that room yesterday, yet by the time Cody got home from work and I retired to the kitchen to start dinner, I didn't feel like I had accomplished all that much. I sorted and filed all the music I currently have here at home, and then sorted and filed all of the other, um... well, files. That led to cleaning out all my file folders, which then led to shredding documents for over an hour! The good news is that the majority of the paperwork cleaning portion of the project is done. The bad news is, that isn't even the tip of the iceberg yet!
All in all, it has been a fairly productive season around here for me. Truth be told, I'm rather enjoying the opportunity to get my house clean and put into some semblance of order. Yet I know that I can't continue to just clean every day for the rest of my life. My plans and goals for the future are ever-present in my mind, and I will hopefully be making progress in that area very soon.
On top of everything else, I've also considered adding *gulp* exercise to my daily routine. I really must be crazy...
December 20, 2009
problem solved
December 9, 2009 5:20am
I wish that I knew why I am always so tired lately. I fell asleep in my recliner after dinner again yesterday, something that’s been happening more frequently as of late. I feel bad about yesterday in particular because Cody was trying to wake me up before he left for a meeting and I snapped at him pretty badly. He was a sweetheart and let me fall asleep for a little while, and was just trying to make sure that I didn’t sleep so long that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at bedtime. I’m not a pleasant person when I’m woken up, and I’m having a hard time being woken up lately, so the combination of the two made me pretty mean yesterday. He was just being sweet and trying to talk to me in a nice way to ease me back to reality, but all I knew was someone was in my face talking non-stop and driving me insane, so I snapped at him. And then proceeded to sleep for another hour.
I just can’t seem to shake this funk off for some reason. I have a few hours here and there where I’m fine and mostly don’t think about it. But as soon as the entertainment is over, or we come home, or whatever, I’m right back in this pit. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t even want to put up the Christmas tree this year or decorate at all. I kept saying, “This weekend” and it would inevitably be moved to “Next weekend”. On top of whatever is causing me to feel this way and lack motivation, the feelings of guilt and worthlessness compound to make it even worse. So, since I haven’t been able to bring myself to care about it, I’ll just intentionally not decorate so that instead of feeling guilty and wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I can just go about my life. That will at least relieve some of the pressure I hope.
I know that there’s a possibility that I’ll really regret not having a tree up if I start to feel better. I just don’t really see that as being enough of a possibility right now for it to motivate me into action. I really and truly do not care if we don’t have Christmas in this house this year. I still want to celebrate “real” Christmas, and remember why we celebrate and rejoice over the birth of Christ. I’m just so ambivalent about the rest of the trappings that I’d rather skip it all together.
I wish that I knew why I am always so tired lately. I fell asleep in my recliner after dinner again yesterday, something that’s been happening more frequently as of late. I feel bad about yesterday in particular because Cody was trying to wake me up before he left for a meeting and I snapped at him pretty badly. He was a sweetheart and let me fall asleep for a little while, and was just trying to make sure that I didn’t sleep so long that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at bedtime. I’m not a pleasant person when I’m woken up, and I’m having a hard time being woken up lately, so the combination of the two made me pretty mean yesterday. He was just being sweet and trying to talk to me in a nice way to ease me back to reality, but all I knew was someone was in my face talking non-stop and driving me insane, so I snapped at him. And then proceeded to sleep for another hour.
I just can’t seem to shake this funk off for some reason. I have a few hours here and there where I’m fine and mostly don’t think about it. But as soon as the entertainment is over, or we come home, or whatever, I’m right back in this pit. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t even want to put up the Christmas tree this year or decorate at all. I kept saying, “This weekend” and it would inevitably be moved to “Next weekend”. On top of whatever is causing me to feel this way and lack motivation, the feelings of guilt and worthlessness compound to make it even worse. So, since I haven’t been able to bring myself to care about it, I’ll just intentionally not decorate so that instead of feeling guilty and wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I can just go about my life. That will at least relieve some of the pressure I hope.
I know that there’s a possibility that I’ll really regret not having a tree up if I start to feel better. I just don’t really see that as being enough of a possibility right now for it to motivate me into action. I really and truly do not care if we don’t have Christmas in this house this year. I still want to celebrate “real” Christmas, and remember why we celebrate and rejoice over the birth of Christ. I’m just so ambivalent about the rest of the trappings that I’d rather skip it all together.
December 19, 2009
they really do hiss
December 7, 2009 7:40am
Oh are my sinuses driving me crazy this morning! My head feels like it’s swelled to the point of explosion! Hopefully this sinus pressure is not a harbinger of the day to come. Other than taking the truck in to be serviced at 9:30, I don’t really have any plans. Cody has a doctors appointment this morning, and then he’ll be heading off to work at the clothes bank at church, which means I’ll be spending the majority of the day alone.
I’m not too concerned about this morning, as I will have my DS to keep me company at the dealership while the truck is being worked on. I remembered to grab my ear buds and put them on the counter so that I won’t have to listen to Faux News while I’m playing Sudoku, too. While I’m not a fan of that channel, I’d be just as irritated if they turned it to any other politically slanted news channel. There is no reason for the dealership to set the channel to something that slants in either direction. Local news, the Today show, hell The Food Network, would be better suited for that type of environment.
All things considered, I had a pretty nice weekend. Cody and I finally went out for his birthday dinner on Friday night. He decided on Bahama Breeze, so twisting my arm was definitely not necessary. We had a nice meal, and managed to settle for only two appetizers instead of the usual three this time, which saved me almost $10, so that was a plus. That money was then spent anyway, and then some, since we stopped at TJ Maxx after dinner.
Saturday didn’t start out so hot for me. I was a little down, and we had to clip Vanilla’s nails, which required tranquilizers. I don’t like giving the dogs medications if I can help it, but holding that dog while Cody clips her nails is like wrestling an alligator. She is solid muscle, and way stronger and more flexible than I am. We waited over an hour to clip her nails, and even though she was only a little clumsy, we thought they would start to wear off and forged ahead. That dog scratched me pretty good a couple of times, but we finally managed to get them taken care of. I felt horrible, as she was so obviously scared out of her mind and I had her pinned down in various positions. I felt horrible afterwards and did my best to make up with her, and then I realized that the drugs were really starting to kick in. I felt awful, because she looked frightened as all get out. You can’t explain to dogs and small children what’s happening to them in those situations. All they know is they feel very wrong and can’t do what they usually can. They don’t know why their legs don’t work like they’re supposed to. It tears me up to watch her go through that, so I was babying her quite a bit and trying to soothe her so she could just fall asleep and let the drugs run their course. On top of that, Cody and I realized we had put that dog through hell unnecessarily, as we could have just waited another 45 minutes or so and had a much easier time. She still wouldn’t have wanted us to do it, but at least we wouldn’t have had to be as forceful with her.
I was starting to feel a bit sleepy, and since neither of us wanted to leave the dog alone, I suggested a little 30 minute nap. I should have known better. I’m not sure if I get sleepy when I’m depressed, or if taking naps makes it worse, but when I’m having a bad day, all I want to do is sleep. The only problem is sleeping tends to make it worse, as I can’t seem to force myself to get out of bed, and then my feeling of lazy uselessness starts to creep in and compound the problem. Needless to say, by the time Cody managed to get me out of bed, I was pretty far gone.
Never fear though, cause I had the perfect solution: Chipotle and Target! We headed out for dinner at one of our favorite spots for some yummy burritos, and then after a couple of quick stops at nearby pet stores for aquarium stuff, we headed to Target. We had some household stuff to pick up, and I wanted to look at all the Christmas stuff to try and shake myself out of my funk. It seemed to do the trick, for that night at least, and my happiness was compounded when we stumbled upon Superman briefs! You know we had to buy them. We need more underwear like we need holes in our heads, but these weren’t optional. I had been looking for these for ages, but they don’t tend to make underwear like this in adult sizes. While they’re not the exact pair I would want, they were close enough to be a mandatory expense for the both of us.
We then headed off to the other side of town to meet up with R and J at Truffles for desert. I love Truffles, but it’s such an expensive place! Thankfully, R and J usually insist on treating us when they invite us. Between genuinely enjoying taking their friends out for dinner/desert and such, and knowing we have a hard time justifying that kind of money for a slice of cake or whatever we order, our paying when we go there is usually not an option.
Sunday morning was definitely a treat. Cody had already let the cat out of the bag that he had decided to become an “official” member of the church, but there were several people that still didn’t know. Including our Pastor, who did a double take when he saw him heading for the front of the sanctuary at the end of the service. I was overjoyed, and my friends at church knew it. I could never have imagined how quickly and fully Cody would be comfortable and active in the church when I started going about 7 or 8 months ago. A lot of people who have gotten to know me since I started attending know that I have always gone out of my way to make sure Cody didn’t feel pressured to attend or participate in any way, so the fact that he is now more active in the programs at church than I am, particularly the outreach programs, is overwhelming to me and they all knew it.
We then had a nice lunch a couple blocks up the street with a small group of friends from church, which was an especially nice treat, as our friend R decided to treat Cody and I along with a couple of other friends. After eating, we headed downtown to University Circle to check out CircleFest, which was a neat little holiday festival put on by the businesses, museums and such in the area. We saw a large display of Christmas trees that had been decorated by local businesses, which was really cool, and then headed to the Botanical Gardens for a quick little walk through.
I stopped to take a picture of a little case full of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches, which are admittedly a little gross, but they were behind glass. A young lady came up and asked if I would like to take a better picture and held out her hand, in which there was a cockroach. Now, these things are huge and creepy, but I just assumed this was an employee of the Gardens since she was carrying it around to show people. Turns out it was just a young lady who had found one creeping around and was being kind enough to walk it to an employee who could make sure it didn’t get trampled. Somehow or other, this girl got spooked and jumped, which may or may not have been instigated by my Pastor, and the cockroach went flying and landed at our feet. I was certainly startled by the young lady’s shriek, but didn’t panic. Then someone pointed out the cockroach was headed for my foot. I looked down, and this little fucker was making a bee-line right for my boot and I absolutely lost it. I shrieked a couple of times like a little 8 year old girl and went running and hopping to the other side of the crowd. Everyone was delighted with my performance, and a few people were kind enough to try to get me to repeat it by suggesting I may have a bug on me at various points during our little excursion.
Thank God it’s time to get ready to go take my truck in. I need a shower twice as bad after remembering that story!!!
Oh are my sinuses driving me crazy this morning! My head feels like it’s swelled to the point of explosion! Hopefully this sinus pressure is not a harbinger of the day to come. Other than taking the truck in to be serviced at 9:30, I don’t really have any plans. Cody has a doctors appointment this morning, and then he’ll be heading off to work at the clothes bank at church, which means I’ll be spending the majority of the day alone.
I’m not too concerned about this morning, as I will have my DS to keep me company at the dealership while the truck is being worked on. I remembered to grab my ear buds and put them on the counter so that I won’t have to listen to Faux News while I’m playing Sudoku, too. While I’m not a fan of that channel, I’d be just as irritated if they turned it to any other politically slanted news channel. There is no reason for the dealership to set the channel to something that slants in either direction. Local news, the Today show, hell The Food Network, would be better suited for that type of environment.
All things considered, I had a pretty nice weekend. Cody and I finally went out for his birthday dinner on Friday night. He decided on Bahama Breeze, so twisting my arm was definitely not necessary. We had a nice meal, and managed to settle for only two appetizers instead of the usual three this time, which saved me almost $10, so that was a plus. That money was then spent anyway, and then some, since we stopped at TJ Maxx after dinner.
Saturday didn’t start out so hot for me. I was a little down, and we had to clip Vanilla’s nails, which required tranquilizers. I don’t like giving the dogs medications if I can help it, but holding that dog while Cody clips her nails is like wrestling an alligator. She is solid muscle, and way stronger and more flexible than I am. We waited over an hour to clip her nails, and even though she was only a little clumsy, we thought they would start to wear off and forged ahead. That dog scratched me pretty good a couple of times, but we finally managed to get them taken care of. I felt horrible, as she was so obviously scared out of her mind and I had her pinned down in various positions. I felt horrible afterwards and did my best to make up with her, and then I realized that the drugs were really starting to kick in. I felt awful, because she looked frightened as all get out. You can’t explain to dogs and small children what’s happening to them in those situations. All they know is they feel very wrong and can’t do what they usually can. They don’t know why their legs don’t work like they’re supposed to. It tears me up to watch her go through that, so I was babying her quite a bit and trying to soothe her so she could just fall asleep and let the drugs run their course. On top of that, Cody and I realized we had put that dog through hell unnecessarily, as we could have just waited another 45 minutes or so and had a much easier time. She still wouldn’t have wanted us to do it, but at least we wouldn’t have had to be as forceful with her.
I was starting to feel a bit sleepy, and since neither of us wanted to leave the dog alone, I suggested a little 30 minute nap. I should have known better. I’m not sure if I get sleepy when I’m depressed, or if taking naps makes it worse, but when I’m having a bad day, all I want to do is sleep. The only problem is sleeping tends to make it worse, as I can’t seem to force myself to get out of bed, and then my feeling of lazy uselessness starts to creep in and compound the problem. Needless to say, by the time Cody managed to get me out of bed, I was pretty far gone.
Never fear though, cause I had the perfect solution: Chipotle and Target! We headed out for dinner at one of our favorite spots for some yummy burritos, and then after a couple of quick stops at nearby pet stores for aquarium stuff, we headed to Target. We had some household stuff to pick up, and I wanted to look at all the Christmas stuff to try and shake myself out of my funk. It seemed to do the trick, for that night at least, and my happiness was compounded when we stumbled upon Superman briefs! You know we had to buy them. We need more underwear like we need holes in our heads, but these weren’t optional. I had been looking for these for ages, but they don’t tend to make underwear like this in adult sizes. While they’re not the exact pair I would want, they were close enough to be a mandatory expense for the both of us.
We then headed off to the other side of town to meet up with R and J at Truffles for desert. I love Truffles, but it’s such an expensive place! Thankfully, R and J usually insist on treating us when they invite us. Between genuinely enjoying taking their friends out for dinner/desert and such, and knowing we have a hard time justifying that kind of money for a slice of cake or whatever we order, our paying when we go there is usually not an option.
Sunday morning was definitely a treat. Cody had already let the cat out of the bag that he had decided to become an “official” member of the church, but there were several people that still didn’t know. Including our Pastor, who did a double take when he saw him heading for the front of the sanctuary at the end of the service. I was overjoyed, and my friends at church knew it. I could never have imagined how quickly and fully Cody would be comfortable and active in the church when I started going about 7 or 8 months ago. A lot of people who have gotten to know me since I started attending know that I have always gone out of my way to make sure Cody didn’t feel pressured to attend or participate in any way, so the fact that he is now more active in the programs at church than I am, particularly the outreach programs, is overwhelming to me and they all knew it.
We then had a nice lunch a couple blocks up the street with a small group of friends from church, which was an especially nice treat, as our friend R decided to treat Cody and I along with a couple of other friends. After eating, we headed downtown to University Circle to check out CircleFest, which was a neat little holiday festival put on by the businesses, museums and such in the area. We saw a large display of Christmas trees that had been decorated by local businesses, which was really cool, and then headed to the Botanical Gardens for a quick little walk through.
I stopped to take a picture of a little case full of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches, which are admittedly a little gross, but they were behind glass. A young lady came up and asked if I would like to take a better picture and held out her hand, in which there was a cockroach. Now, these things are huge and creepy, but I just assumed this was an employee of the Gardens since she was carrying it around to show people. Turns out it was just a young lady who had found one creeping around and was being kind enough to walk it to an employee who could make sure it didn’t get trampled. Somehow or other, this girl got spooked and jumped, which may or may not have been instigated by my Pastor, and the cockroach went flying and landed at our feet. I was certainly startled by the young lady’s shriek, but didn’t panic. Then someone pointed out the cockroach was headed for my foot. I looked down, and this little fucker was making a bee-line right for my boot and I absolutely lost it. I shrieked a couple of times like a little 8 year old girl and went running and hopping to the other side of the crowd. Everyone was delighted with my performance, and a few people were kind enough to try to get me to repeat it by suggesting I may have a bug on me at various points during our little excursion.
Thank God it’s time to get ready to go take my truck in. I need a shower twice as bad after remembering that story!!!
December 18, 2009
circle of ick
December 6, 2009 9:00am
If I make myself vulnerable to someone, and it doesn’t help, then what happens? I realize that if I don’t open up to someone at some point, I may never really get better. But at the same time, I’m scared shitless, because I really can’t stand the thought of being vulnerable.
On one hand I need to be able to open up to Cody and Pastor and ______, because they have offered to try to help the best way they know how, but if I don’t let them in, they can’t possibly help. Then there are “normal” relationships. People like R and J and Bethany and K and Pete. How do I know how much to let them in without risking being wounded? How do I really know what is good and right to tell them and what isn’t. The more vulnerable I am, the more scared and anxious I am, which makes me want to close myself off even more and shut down even more, and it turns into this whole self-defeating circle of ick.
I don’t know where to go from here. I talked to Cody on Friday night on the way to dinner about how I have been feeling lately, and how it seems like I’ve had a significant number of “down” days compared to before I started the meds. He told me that overall, he sees me on a more even keel. Not 24/7, but significantly more often apparently. I told him that while I appreciate his feedback, and I understand that I should be happy that my moods aren’t all on one solid line due to some zombie-like meds I would sooner die than take, I also don’t want the range of emotions I’m able to experience to always be tinged or colored with depression and melancholy.
I shared with him my disappointment at not being able to see my regular doctor like I was supposed to, because I truly felt and still feel that he would have and should have increased the dosage of my Zoloft.
I’m on a fairly low dose, based on the average dose, granted, but I know that I was great when I started the meds, but have since plateaued in some ways and am even depressed quite a bit. I told Cody that it sucks because I don’t know if I’m experiencing depression that I normally would or if it is a side-effect of the meds and/or the dosage I’m on.
I know from previous experience that depression and suicidal thoughts can be a side effect of these types of meds, particularly when ramping up or down at the beginning and end of taking them. My thought is that it is possible that since I’m on a lower dosage of this medication, I may actually be experiencing a side effect rather than an honest to goodness real depression. Depression sucks the life right the fuck out of me, and I can’t stand it regardless of why it is happening. So if I’m actually causing myself to feel this way by taking a pill every night with my dinner, I sure as hell want to nip that in the bud, and quick.
Here it is the second week of December, and I don’t have a Christmas tree up yet. I’ve had good intentions on several occasions to get my ass up into the attic and get it done, but as of yet those good intentions have gotten me no farther than the recliner in the living room.
Another example is my phone. I was finally given the go-ahead from Cody a week ago to order a new phone, as our contracts on the family plan had finally all come up. He and his brother both ordered their phones the day after Thanksgiving, and I waited to start looking on Sunday due to the sabbatical. Well, my phone has been shit for over a year, but I’ve held out waiting for Cody and J’s contract to expire so that we could end up on the same contract cycle. I’ve been bitching about this phone forever, and now that I finally had a chance to get a new one, where I should have jumped at the chance, I found myself so ambivalent to all the phones I saw online that it took me four days to work up enough energy to care about it and order a new one. I was thankfully able to recognize my ambivalence and share it with Cody, which is two kinda big steps for me, that’s actually a plus. I told him I didn’t want to spend that kind of money and be locked into a contract until I had all my wits about me, which he agreed was definitely a smart way to go. And then the fact that I was able to not only recognize what was going on, but able and willing to tell him about it as well is something I’ve spent seven years trying to accomplish. I don’t know that this will be the norm, because I don’t think I’m going to change overnight and it would be crazy to have that kind of expectation, but I’m hoping it at least happens a little more often.
Gotta shave and shower for church. Headed off to try out CircleFest at University Circle afterwards with R and a bunch of people from church. I’m so taking a Xanax.
If I make myself vulnerable to someone, and it doesn’t help, then what happens? I realize that if I don’t open up to someone at some point, I may never really get better. But at the same time, I’m scared shitless, because I really can’t stand the thought of being vulnerable.
On one hand I need to be able to open up to Cody and Pastor and ______, because they have offered to try to help the best way they know how, but if I don’t let them in, they can’t possibly help. Then there are “normal” relationships. People like R and J and Bethany and K and Pete. How do I know how much to let them in without risking being wounded? How do I really know what is good and right to tell them and what isn’t. The more vulnerable I am, the more scared and anxious I am, which makes me want to close myself off even more and shut down even more, and it turns into this whole self-defeating circle of ick.
I don’t know where to go from here. I talked to Cody on Friday night on the way to dinner about how I have been feeling lately, and how it seems like I’ve had a significant number of “down” days compared to before I started the meds. He told me that overall, he sees me on a more even keel. Not 24/7, but significantly more often apparently. I told him that while I appreciate his feedback, and I understand that I should be happy that my moods aren’t all on one solid line due to some zombie-like meds I would sooner die than take, I also don’t want the range of emotions I’m able to experience to always be tinged or colored with depression and melancholy.
I shared with him my disappointment at not being able to see my regular doctor like I was supposed to, because I truly felt and still feel that he would have and should have increased the dosage of my Zoloft.
I’m on a fairly low dose, based on the average dose, granted, but I know that I was great when I started the meds, but have since plateaued in some ways and am even depressed quite a bit. I told Cody that it sucks because I don’t know if I’m experiencing depression that I normally would or if it is a side-effect of the meds and/or the dosage I’m on.
I know from previous experience that depression and suicidal thoughts can be a side effect of these types of meds, particularly when ramping up or down at the beginning and end of taking them. My thought is that it is possible that since I’m on a lower dosage of this medication, I may actually be experiencing a side effect rather than an honest to goodness real depression. Depression sucks the life right the fuck out of me, and I can’t stand it regardless of why it is happening. So if I’m actually causing myself to feel this way by taking a pill every night with my dinner, I sure as hell want to nip that in the bud, and quick.
Here it is the second week of December, and I don’t have a Christmas tree up yet. I’ve had good intentions on several occasions to get my ass up into the attic and get it done, but as of yet those good intentions have gotten me no farther than the recliner in the living room.
Another example is my phone. I was finally given the go-ahead from Cody a week ago to order a new phone, as our contracts on the family plan had finally all come up. He and his brother both ordered their phones the day after Thanksgiving, and I waited to start looking on Sunday due to the sabbatical. Well, my phone has been shit for over a year, but I’ve held out waiting for Cody and J’s contract to expire so that we could end up on the same contract cycle. I’ve been bitching about this phone forever, and now that I finally had a chance to get a new one, where I should have jumped at the chance, I found myself so ambivalent to all the phones I saw online that it took me four days to work up enough energy to care about it and order a new one. I was thankfully able to recognize my ambivalence and share it with Cody, which is two kinda big steps for me, that’s actually a plus. I told him I didn’t want to spend that kind of money and be locked into a contract until I had all my wits about me, which he agreed was definitely a smart way to go. And then the fact that I was able to not only recognize what was going on, but able and willing to tell him about it as well is something I’ve spent seven years trying to accomplish. I don’t know that this will be the norm, because I don’t think I’m going to change overnight and it would be crazy to have that kind of expectation, but I’m hoping it at least happens a little more often.
Gotta shave and shower for church. Headed off to try out CircleFest at University Circle afterwards with R and a bunch of people from church. I’m so taking a Xanax.
December 12, 2009
they don't all have to be in order
December 12, 2009 8:15am
This is actually the third edition of something I wrote this morning. It started with an email, then moved on to be expanded as a journal entry, and now I'm posting it here.
I know that I've been scheduling all my posts for future days of late, but I don't want to get so caught up in doing that that I feel I can't write about today and post it today too.
So I'm posting this despite the interference to the chronology of the rest of my posts. It's my blog and I can do what I want!
I wanted to write in my journal last night, but by the time I got all caught up on “V” on the DVR and finished writing an email, I had literally just finished updating Microsoft Word on the laptop when Cody walked in the door.
Since I was writing about my “issues”, I am pretty sure my journaling would have been more of the same. As it was, it was 10:00pm, I hadn’t seen Cody all day, and we were both exhausted. I thought about staying up a little later, since I really had wanted to write, but instead I said “Fuck it” and went to bed.
This morning I woke up in a much better mood than I have in the last couple of weeks, and I pray to God that it lasts the whole day through. I have, however, been plagued this morning with some not so pretty thoughts about one subject in particular. I’d talked with God a few times about it while having my morning coffee and getting through my routine, but it was still weighing heavily on my mind.
While writing a long-overdue email to my mom and dad, I shared with them a little about it, and before I knew it, the flood gates opened and I realized that I was expressing myself in my letter to them the same way I tend to in my blog and journal. I almost cut and pasted it into my journal right then and there, with the intention to re-write a less detailed update to mom and dad and go back to finish my writing in the journal when I was done.
I decided to just continue writing, as I apparently had something to say and didn’t want to interrupt my “flow”. Before I knew it, I was pretty much preaching a sermon to myself. It was pretty much me working through the issues I woke up with, and I feel it was God’s way of answering my prayers of earlier this morning. I’m thankful that he helped me work through it myself without having to beg and plead for signs and wonders and all of the usual drama.
I decided to send it to mom and dad as is, and then pasted it here in my journal, because I really did feel moved by God’s using me to exhort myself for a change. I want to be able to hold on to not only the lesson I’ve learned from it, but the feeling of peace that it gave me.
The excerpt is as follows:
We got our bonuses yesterday, so the wait is over for another year. My group leader was very kind with my merit rating this year, but with lower profits and a lower income to base my bonus on, my good rating didn't translate to a whole lot compared to years passed. I'm grateful though, that I'm getting a bonus at all. With the year going the way it has, I've said that as long as my bonus covers my insurance premiums for the year with some money left over, I would be happy. Now that we're on the other side of bonus day, I'm doing my best to remind myself that I got what I decided was acceptable to me, and more besides.
Having spent the better part of this past year in a church with a fantastic outreach program is really awesome. The sad part is, for a church to have such a fantastic program, that means there is a need for it. So I have had the opportunity to see things that most of us don't think about very often. We see homeless and disadvantaged people on TV or read about them in the papers, but to be honest, God has blessed us through our work and education richly enough that we don't have to experience that and haven't seen it a lot in our own "real" lives.
There is so much more hunger out there than the little cravings I get while I'm watching TV snuggled up with my dog in my recliner. If I get a little chilly, I can afford to turn up the heat a little. Or if I'm being a smart consumer and want to conserve the energy, I'm typically not any colder than a sweatshirt and a lovingly made afghan can handle.
There are so many people who are so much more cold than me, so very much more hungry than me, so tragically lost to their families and friends.
How dare I be ungrateful enough to entertain a little pity-party in my head for even one second simply because my bonus wasn't big enough when so many people don't have jobs. My profit-sharing, which is non-guaranteed income, is more than some people make in a year, because they have no income. I'm able to write a check to keep a roof over my head, another to keep the lights on, and yet another so that when I turn the knob on my fancy box in the corner, a beautiful fire is there to warm me on command.
Sorry. I got a little carried away. But I needed that. I've been talking to God a lot this morning and praying about my ungrateful heart, and I think He used my letter to you guys to work it out.
Re-reading this here in my journal makes me feel a bit better all over again. I got a pay cut at this time last year, and then a reduction in my hours. The two combined added up to a 45% cut in my pay that has lasted over a year now with the exception of the two and a half weeks I spent working on the line last month.
Cody lost his job almost a year ago.
Our dog got sick and needed surgery.
The faucet in our shower is degraded to the point that one valve no longer closes completely and we have a slow but steady drip 24/7.
I can’t afford to give the gifts I would like to give to my family this year, much less afford to give gifts to all the friends we usually do.
Yet, we’re still able to pay our bills and afford an evening out from time to time. Granted we don’t go out as often, and we have to do less expensive things, but we’re still able.
Cody has not yet found work, but thankfully his unemployment helps cover our bills as much as it is needed to. Cody has been able to volunteer an amazing amount of time and energy to helping others. He’s happier doing what he’s doing now than he has ever been working at a “real” job for a paycheck.
The veterinarian we use is inexpensive enough that we could afford several procedures that would have drained our savings at any other animal hospital. We never had to have that difficult discussion about how much money can we spend before we have to discuss letting go of a life so precious to us both.
Cody is skilled enough to fix most things himself. Through his outgoing personality, he has met people on a personal level most of us take for granted. One of those people happens to be his “go to” hardware guy, who gladly takes on every valve we’ve every brought him and rebuilds them to a like-new state even though they’re older than I am. He’s happy to be of real help, and we’re happy to spend money in his store even though it’s more expensive than most big box places because he’s so kind.
My family is loving and understanding enough to not care what they get, if anything. They just want to spend a special time together, celebrating together. My friends feel the same way. God has brought “real” relationships into my life.
Despite all the hardships of the past year, I’m still standing. I have my own issues to deal with, and I’ve been struggling of late, but I never want to go a day without remembering that I have so much to be thankful for.
Have a great weekend, gang.
This is actually the third edition of something I wrote this morning. It started with an email, then moved on to be expanded as a journal entry, and now I'm posting it here.
I know that I've been scheduling all my posts for future days of late, but I don't want to get so caught up in doing that that I feel I can't write about today and post it today too.
So I'm posting this despite the interference to the chronology of the rest of my posts. It's my blog and I can do what I want!
I wanted to write in my journal last night, but by the time I got all caught up on “V” on the DVR and finished writing an email, I had literally just finished updating Microsoft Word on the laptop when Cody walked in the door.
Since I was writing about my “issues”, I am pretty sure my journaling would have been more of the same. As it was, it was 10:00pm, I hadn’t seen Cody all day, and we were both exhausted. I thought about staying up a little later, since I really had wanted to write, but instead I said “Fuck it” and went to bed.
This morning I woke up in a much better mood than I have in the last couple of weeks, and I pray to God that it lasts the whole day through. I have, however, been plagued this morning with some not so pretty thoughts about one subject in particular. I’d talked with God a few times about it while having my morning coffee and getting through my routine, but it was still weighing heavily on my mind.
While writing a long-overdue email to my mom and dad, I shared with them a little about it, and before I knew it, the flood gates opened and I realized that I was expressing myself in my letter to them the same way I tend to in my blog and journal. I almost cut and pasted it into my journal right then and there, with the intention to re-write a less detailed update to mom and dad and go back to finish my writing in the journal when I was done.
I decided to just continue writing, as I apparently had something to say and didn’t want to interrupt my “flow”. Before I knew it, I was pretty much preaching a sermon to myself. It was pretty much me working through the issues I woke up with, and I feel it was God’s way of answering my prayers of earlier this morning. I’m thankful that he helped me work through it myself without having to beg and plead for signs and wonders and all of the usual drama.
I decided to send it to mom and dad as is, and then pasted it here in my journal, because I really did feel moved by God’s using me to exhort myself for a change. I want to be able to hold on to not only the lesson I’ve learned from it, but the feeling of peace that it gave me.
The excerpt is as follows:
We got our bonuses yesterday, so the wait is over for another year. My group leader was very kind with my merit rating this year, but with lower profits and a lower income to base my bonus on, my good rating didn't translate to a whole lot compared to years passed. I'm grateful though, that I'm getting a bonus at all. With the year going the way it has, I've said that as long as my bonus covers my insurance premiums for the year with some money left over, I would be happy. Now that we're on the other side of bonus day, I'm doing my best to remind myself that I got what I decided was acceptable to me, and more besides.
Having spent the better part of this past year in a church with a fantastic outreach program is really awesome. The sad part is, for a church to have such a fantastic program, that means there is a need for it. So I have had the opportunity to see things that most of us don't think about very often. We see homeless and disadvantaged people on TV or read about them in the papers, but to be honest, God has blessed us through our work and education richly enough that we don't have to experience that and haven't seen it a lot in our own "real" lives.
There is so much more hunger out there than the little cravings I get while I'm watching TV snuggled up with my dog in my recliner. If I get a little chilly, I can afford to turn up the heat a little. Or if I'm being a smart consumer and want to conserve the energy, I'm typically not any colder than a sweatshirt and a lovingly made afghan can handle.
There are so many people who are so much more cold than me, so very much more hungry than me, so tragically lost to their families and friends.
How dare I be ungrateful enough to entertain a little pity-party in my head for even one second simply because my bonus wasn't big enough when so many people don't have jobs. My profit-sharing, which is non-guaranteed income, is more than some people make in a year, because they have no income. I'm able to write a check to keep a roof over my head, another to keep the lights on, and yet another so that when I turn the knob on my fancy box in the corner, a beautiful fire is there to warm me on command.
Sorry. I got a little carried away. But I needed that. I've been talking to God a lot this morning and praying about my ungrateful heart, and I think He used my letter to you guys to work it out.
Re-reading this here in my journal makes me feel a bit better all over again. I got a pay cut at this time last year, and then a reduction in my hours. The two combined added up to a 45% cut in my pay that has lasted over a year now with the exception of the two and a half weeks I spent working on the line last month.
Cody lost his job almost a year ago.
Our dog got sick and needed surgery.
The faucet in our shower is degraded to the point that one valve no longer closes completely and we have a slow but steady drip 24/7.
I can’t afford to give the gifts I would like to give to my family this year, much less afford to give gifts to all the friends we usually do.
Yet, we’re still able to pay our bills and afford an evening out from time to time. Granted we don’t go out as often, and we have to do less expensive things, but we’re still able.
Cody has not yet found work, but thankfully his unemployment helps cover our bills as much as it is needed to. Cody has been able to volunteer an amazing amount of time and energy to helping others. He’s happier doing what he’s doing now than he has ever been working at a “real” job for a paycheck.
The veterinarian we use is inexpensive enough that we could afford several procedures that would have drained our savings at any other animal hospital. We never had to have that difficult discussion about how much money can we spend before we have to discuss letting go of a life so precious to us both.
Cody is skilled enough to fix most things himself. Through his outgoing personality, he has met people on a personal level most of us take for granted. One of those people happens to be his “go to” hardware guy, who gladly takes on every valve we’ve every brought him and rebuilds them to a like-new state even though they’re older than I am. He’s happy to be of real help, and we’re happy to spend money in his store even though it’s more expensive than most big box places because he’s so kind.
My family is loving and understanding enough to not care what they get, if anything. They just want to spend a special time together, celebrating together. My friends feel the same way. God has brought “real” relationships into my life.
Despite all the hardships of the past year, I’m still standing. I have my own issues to deal with, and I’ve been struggling of late, but I never want to go a day without remembering that I have so much to be thankful for.
Have a great weekend, gang.
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