and while we're on the subject

“Some say I play the victim, others say I’m a survivor. Some say I’m bubbly, others say I’m reserved. Some say I’m judgmental, others say I’m compassionate. Some say I’m high strung, others say I’m laid back. Some say I’m boring, others say I’m fun. Some say I’m selfish, others say I’m too giving. Some say I’m too vocal, others say I’m shy. Some say I’m too religious, others say I’m strong in my faith. One thing I do know, is I am me. The good and the bad. I don’t let many people in. I live off instinct, and I pray I get through the day. I’m oversensitive and emotional and some days I can hide it. Some days I’ve held it in too long and need to release before I break down. I hope one day I can connect with people and have truly deep relationships with them. Until then I’ll continue on my path and pray each storm passes a little easier.”  ~ The Mighty

to move or not to move

Good question.

I haven't posted in a long, long time.  I think about it periodically.  Generally, when I have something I need to get off my chest, I avoid blogging like the plague.  I have a very small audience, to be sure.  But said audience is made up of the key players in my life, and there is a 99.9% chance that something I want or need to say will involve said key players or someone they know.

That said, I've thought about starting an entirely different blog from the two I currently have.  The question is, do I move all my content and/or shut the others down?  That would certainly make me more identifiable to certain people, so I'm thinking that's a fat "NO." 

Do I tell the people I trust about the new blog?  It would be nice to have a sense of not only getting things out into the world, but to know they've been seen.  Though how can I do that without ending up in this very same predicament? 


Remember when we all used to think there would be a day in our not-too-distant future that we would have some great "A-ha!" moment, and our life's meaning would suddenly become apparent?

over a year

Wow.

I knew it had been quite a while since I posted, but damn.


Anywho...


  I'm only posting because I'm lazy.  Makes perfect sense, right?  Let me 'splain, Lucy:  I decided a few days ago that it was time to take a break from social media.  This morning, I locked down my Facebook account to restrict any activity on my page, sent a brief message to the group of people I interact with the most on that site, typed a one-word status update, "Sabbatical", and logged out.  I also posted an update to my flickr page that I was taking a break.  I then changed my "homepage" settings in my browser so that it no longer opened Facebook upon startup and created a folder on my iPod for all social media apps and moved it to the last screen (you know, that screen you put all those apps that you will never use but can't delete because Apple thinks you need a place to check your stocks and such).

  True to form, two very good friends of mine sent me text messages to check on me and ask what's up.  Cody also asked about it when he called at lunch.  Realizing that there may be several people asking the very same question(s), I decided to post the most basic of answers here in order to prevent myself having to type it all out over and over.  That's not to say I won't interact with anyone or answer questions about the subject, but if we're all at least in the same chapter, it will be much easier to get us on the same page.

  That being said, something happened this week which gave me pause.  I spoke to a group of people, and since it was recorded, I posted a link to it on my Facebook page, as did the person who recorded it.  I also sent a link to my parents, who knew that I was planning to speak, and had expressed an interest in hearing it.

  I can not possibly overstate the blessing it has been to hear the feedback of those who listened and then spoke to me or messaged me after.  It truly has been an awesome, and in some ways challenging dialogue.

  What gave me pause, however, is how deeply and viscerally the hurt felt when I realized that only one person outside of the group had clicked on that link and said anything about it.  Even my parents have said absolutely nothing.

  I did not speak to this group for my own pride or sense of self-importance.  I did not go into the experience expecting anything, and I did not anticipate anything.  I was so focused on what to say and how to say it that I really didn't have time to give voice to those possibilities.  I even kept the plan to speak private, rather than advertise it.  It may have been a selfish decision, but I knew that if I had shared that info with people and some of them showed up to hear me speak, I would have been unable to do what needed to be done.

  That being said, once I realized just how hurt, confused, disappointed, etc. that I felt, I knew that I was entirely way too dependent upon others for my sense of self.

  The voices reminding me of all those who didn't say anything were drowning out the voices of all those who did.

  The negative feelings of not being heard were distracting me from the awesome feeling of the appreciation shown to me by those who did hear.

  I began to realize that, not only was social media the vehicle which pointed all of this out to me, it is also the vehicle which gives me that false sense of connection with the world around me.  And when push comes to shove, you're left staring at a cursor on a screen and a keyboard on your lap.  That's where I invested a lot of my Self.

  Not that it's all bad.  I connect with friends and family, whom I love, and it allows me to be a part of their lives when time or distance would make that otherwise impossible.

  Part of this, I admit, may be my tried-and-true way of dealing with situations I don't like:  I just pretend everything is fine until I forget.  But the bigger part, the more important part, is relishing what is real and focusing on what's important to me without the worry of whether others approve.

NSfW

            I'm not entirely sure what a "craw" is, but I imagine mine must somehow resemble a pin-cushion; it constantly has things stuck in it.  While I have not posted here in quite some time, I do have a Microsoft Word document on my laptop with a rough outline of something I've decided to write about.  That posts will come later, hopefully.  For now, I need to focus on something else. 

            This post may be a little different than what some of you are used to.  It is certainly not for the squeamish or faint at heart.  In keeping with my personal preference regarding honesty, though, it will be honest and real.  Be forewarned that in addition to my usual colorful language, there will be things discussed that are certainly "Not Safe for Work" by any stretch of the politically correct imagination.

            It all started with a dream.  Sounds sort of poetic, doesn't it?  Well, let me assure you, if it were poetry, it would be closer to Poe than Proust.  Last night, I had a marathon of a dream that, while I'm not sure how long it lasted in real time, seemed to me to fill the entirety of my evening's slumber.  While it's not uncommon for me to have vivid dreams on and off throughout the night, it has been some time since I've had one of this length and breadth. 

            The problem is this:  When I have these vivid dreams, my mind and body do not (always) know that what is happening is not real.  I have a tendency to wake up exhausted from dreams of this sort, since my mind and body do not get the rest they need in order to function properly.  My mind engages itself in the happenings of my dream, and all the resulting feelings and emotions contained within that dream.  I would liken it to being in a quiet corner somewhere, reading the climactic scene of a suspense/thriller novel.  The heart starts to beat faster and harder; the mind, responding to the fight or flight response, begins to send electrical impulses to the body, shutting and/or slowing down unnecessary processes; sweat begins to leak from the forehead and palms;  the face flushes.  All told, while my body may technically be sleeping, my mind and my autonomic nervous system are wide awake and working overtime.

            These dreams rarely conclude before I awake, leaving my body in a heightened state, and the thoughts, feelings, and emotions I experience for much of the morning are based upon the false reality of a dream long over.  My mind responds and reacts as though the memories of what happened in the dream are truth, and the accompanying emotions that result are tied up so tightly to those memories that it's hard to let go of them and re-enter the real world in which those events never occurred. 

            To stop beating around the proverbial bush and jump right into what is weighing on my heart and mind, I had a dream last night which centered around my partner being unfaithful. 

*** To be crystal clear:  My dream was not caused by any real or perceived infidelity*** on the part of my partner.  The act(s) were a part of the dream itself, and therefore not real.

            As if one's spouse or beloved being unfaithful were not a traumatizing event already, this was not a one time lapse in judgment or indiscretion.  Oh, no, this was a revelation of years of willful sexual behavior outside of what was understood to be a monogamous relationship.

*Squeamish Alert*

            To be blunt, this dream started with my partner and I being amorous and making out in bed.  What started as simple making-out-like-teenagers-just-because-it's-fun turned into heavy petting and foreplay.  When I grabbed my now-naked partner by the calf and threw his legs back over his head, a large glob of cum began leaking out of his ass.  Horrified, as I knew that we hadn't had sex together in days, I immediately stopped dead in my tracks.

            My partner then explained to me that it was just a harmless quickie of a tryst at the gym that morning.  I was appalled not only that my partner had had sex with another man, but that it was being presented to me as no big deal.  The fact that it was just a casual encounter that took very little time and no premeditation at all was somehow supposed to lessen the severity.

            I was then made aware that this was not uncommon behavior for my partner, and he had, in fact, been having sex outside of our relationship for many years.  He was so very non-chalant and cool as a cucumber while explaining all of this to me.  There was no apologetic nature to the explanation, save for having kept it secret.  This was, in his mind, acceptable behavior, and it was clear he had no intention of discontinuing it.  Added to the hurt and anger was the fear instilled in me that I had been engaging in unprotected sex with this man for 10 years.  When I confronted him about whether or not he always used protection with these other men, he scoffed at the idea.  Not only did he not like or want to use condoms or any other means of protection, he rejected any notion that there was something wrong with that behavior.

            As I mentioned, this dream was rather long and involved.  In keeping with the craziness of dreams as a whole, the remainder of my evening was filled with all sorts of varying locales that, while I've never seen them before, I knew them as well as any other.  I saw people who, though I've never seen their faces, I had known them for years.  Some were even friends and family members. 

            Everywhere I turned within this dream, I was confronted by my harsh new reality.  Every male friend or family member, regardless of how long or how well I knew them, was suspect.  Those who knew of my partners behavior all along seemed relieved to finally not be burdened with keeping the secret, but their exasperation at having to deal with my inability to deal with it was overwhelming.  This was totally acceptable behavior in their minds, and I needed to either get over it or get going.

            I was to drop off a family member whom I don't even associate with at the airport and then return to his apartment complex to pick up his boyfriend.  This cousin of mine was as put off by my lack of acceptance of my partner's behavior as anyone else.  Despite the fact that he was married to a woman, and lived in another town, I was now to accept that he also had a boyfriend on the side.  I was also expected to accept that my partner regularly slept with this boyfriend of his as well as sharing other mutual friends-with-benefits.  When I had returned to pick up my cousin's boyfriend, I met a couple of other friends who, while they are normally smiling and outgoing, were reserved and hesitant when they walked out of the building and saw me.  Their sheepishness in my presence made it all too clear that these so-called friends were oft-times playmates of my partner. 

            When he finally arrived at this apartment building, I was overwhelmed by feeling of revulsion and betrayal, since I now wondered where exactly he had been while we were apart.  Validating my worst nightmare-within-a-nightmare, it was then that I learned the depths of depravity this behavior had truly hit.  As we work opposite shifts, my partner felt it his right to have nightly trysts in my absence.  To make matters worse, even on days we were together, like the hellish one we were currently in, he felt entirely justified in meeting up with other men on a whim.

            Even trying to discuss the matter with one of my nearest-and-dearest, Bethany, was wrought with angst, betrayal, heartache, and all the emotions associate with an Emo kid who just can't stop cutting.  My partner encouraged me to talk to my friends about it, assuming they would help me accept all of this and get over it so we could move on.  Of all the times for Bethany, who normally has no problem sharing her thoughts and feelings, to be silent, this was not the one.  Alas, in this hellish dream, the only talking she did was of the mundane variety, choosing to distance herself from the discomfort of the situation with a simple pat on the shoulder and "I'm sorry you're hurt, but I can't fix it for you" look.

***Deep Breath***

            Okay, the worst is over, right?  I'm awake now, and back into my reality, so nothing can hurt me. 

Wrong.

            Since waking up this morning, I have been overwhelmed.  At first, I felt the sting of hurt and betrayal.  Then it shifted to something much more surprising to me:  I'm incredulous.

            I know we all think we know how we would react to certain things in our lives.  We all like to hope we would react in "just such a way" if that ever happened to me.  We go through our lives hearing stories of infidelity from those around us all the time.  It's easy to dispense advice and go through the motions in our mind of trying to determine what we would do in their shoes.

I'm here to tell ya', folks, it ain't so simple as all that.

            Now, before you start, I know.  I know that it was only a dream.  Despite knowing that, however, I woke up this morning to a world in which the sky isn't really blue, and up is down.  It was only a dream, but at the heart of the matter, where I really want to focus, and what this whole crazy post is leading to, is this:  My feelings, both during the course of the dream and upon waking up from it, were really real feelings.  While it is possible to fake the expression of emotion, feeling those emotions isn't something that can be easily mimicked.

            The sheer panic of waking up to the realization that your whole world revolves on trust is terrifying.  Having felt what I did, being so acutely aware that all I have to base the trust in my partner on is his word is, well…

            I've known from the day we met over 10 years ago that my partner is capable of lying and deception.  We all are.  Waking from a dream in which I felt the "reality" of that, and knowing that even if he were to lie and pretend he wanted to give up that behavior is heart-rending.  Slowly, with time, some sunshine to remind me it was all a dream, and not-a-little coffee, I have regained my heart and most of my mind.  What little shred of my heart I woke up with this morning still felt trampled.

            Yet, I can't help but feel I need to call everyone I've ever looked down upon for standing by their significant other and apologize.  I thought I knew you.  I thought I knew what the right decision was for you.  I. Didn't. Know. Jack. Shit.

            The part of me who "knows" what I would do in that situation, the one who has his absolute boundaries of what is and is not acceptable, is in my rearview mirror, running for all he's worth, but not realizing he'll never catch up again.

            We all do and say weird things in our dreams.  There are entire blogs and websites dedicated to telling the stories of people who share the odd scenarios their mind creates while they sleep.  The young man in my dream, though, he is trying to teach me about myself and others.

            I actually didn't castrate my partner in my dream.  I mean, come on, if there is one place you can get away with exacting the type of vengeance on a cheater that we all joke about, it's in dreamland, right?  While I could only hope to be understanding and forgiving of someone I love so dearly making a mistake, no matter the magnitude, and no matter if I would actually leave them or not, I just don't understand my behavior in my dream, or the attitude that is developing within my heart and mind since waking up.

            Part of the reason I went in to such detail earlier in this post was to illustrate that this wasn't just a one-time, I-was-drunk-and-horny-and-you-have-been-away-for-six-months kind of error in judgment.  This was debauchery at it's worst (best?). 

            And I stayed.  I actually talked about it.  No running for the lawyer.  No fighting over who keeps which dogs.  I didn't immediately move as far away as possible. 

            I have no idea what the outcome will be for the blind, trusts-to-much shmuck I was in my dream.  I hope I never find out, to be honest. 

            What I do know, is in my dream, my calm and rational self (whom I rarely see in real life) stuck around.  The dumbass actually wanted to find a way to make it work.  He knew, KNEW, that he would never in a million years be able to trust his/our partner again.  He knew that a sexual relationship with the man he loved more than any other on earth was over.  He knew a life of betrayal, hurt, and heartache lay before him.  But he stayed. 

            Is that forgiveness?  Is that grace?  What is it?  I don't know.  I'm not sure what I know anymore, except I know nothing for certain any longer. 

            Perhaps it really is possible to love someone who tramples everything you are and everything you hope to be.  Maybe it is okay to stay and try to make it work, no matter the offense.

Or maybe that guy in my dream was just an idiot.

yeah, yeah... i hear ya

I haven't posted in forever.

I don't *really* have time to post today, either.

I need to hop in the shower, or more accurately for the literalists among us, I need to go wash my body in the shower.

I also need to water the veggies and annuals this morning. There is a "chance" of spotty thunderstorms today, but with the amount of heat we'll be getting, that's a chance I'd rather not take.

I also need to go pack my book bag. No class since Thursday and working on homework for four different classes at different times throughout the weekend has a tendency to make my desk a tad jumbled.

School is going well; I find myself enjoying it more than I thought I would. Oddly enough, most of my preconceived notions have been turned on their ear in this first week.

I thought I would prefer my two online courses over my two campus-based courses. Not so much. I actually like going to class more than being left to my own devices.

I thought I would hate Beginning Algebra I, or at the very least, like the other three courses way more than math. Turns out that of the 4, algebra is my favorite class thus far.

Who is this guy?

totally cheating...

I admit it, I am.

I didn't write this post as a post. It's actually an email to my parents that I copied and pasted here because I'm too lazy to write anymore. It is, however, pretty much what I would write if I were to create a new post, so there's that.


Hello!

I haven't touched base with you guys in so long! I miss you. Just wanted to send out a quick note to let you know that and to try and update you on what's up with me lately.

Registration for the summer term started this week, and I've found that I need to take the placement tests even if I'm not registering for math or english this time around. Apparently, they want to make sure you can read and write before taking classes....

I *attempted* to go take the tests yesterday morning, but I got seriously lost and confused once I drove onto the campus. I start to have a bit of an anxiety attack, got frustrated and left. The buildings aren't very well marked for vehicle traffic (a lot of signs on the sidewalks in front of buildings you can't read from the road), and I had NO clue where to park or what building to go to. Not to mention the hordes of students trying to get to and from their classes in the rain.

I came home and called Cody's brother, who works for the college, and told him where I needed to go and he straightened me out. So I'll make another attempt this morning, with hopefully better results. :)

I was still kind of worked up on my way home, so I didn't do the other thing I had intended to do either, which was to pick up an application. The Aldi located between here and the campus is (or was as of last weekend) hiring cashiers at $11.00/hr. Not my dream job, but that's a decent wage for the work.

As far as my major, I'm still pulled in 452 different directions about that mentally and emotionally. I realized several weeks ago during choir practice that I was doing what I loved to do, and I was finally in a position to maybe follow that passion. I don't know where that would lead me, but that's just another item on a long list of things I don't know right now. :)

I told Pastor Allen a few weeks ago when we met for dinner that while I think I *would/could* be a good nurse, I don't really *want* to be a nurse. I like the idea of it, and I've heard so many people tell me I "should be" a nurse, or would be good at it, I think I've just kind of internalized everyone else telling me their good intentions and lost my own along the way.

A friend mentioned a week or so ago that I should get my nursing degree, minor in music, and then work as a music therapist. I latched onto that, and before I knew it, I was looking at nursing programs again. To be a certified music therapist, you do need a bachelors degree, with a focus on either music or psychology/medicine. Well, when I realized I was headed down the wrong road, I reigned myself in and stopped that train before it left the station.

So, long story short, I still feel like a 17-year-old being handed my diploma and trying to figure out, "What do I want to 'BE' when I grow up?"

For right now at least, I'm okay with not knowing. I'm going to start taking classes and work toward a degree, and I'm sure I'll get Guidance along the way. In the meantime, I have to be realistic and get a job though. This time around, though, I'm going to make my job work around me instead of the other way around.

God didn't bring me this far for me to get back into debt again, but I know He didn't plan for me to be a slave to money, either.

So that's all (or most all, anyway) the news that's fit to print. How are you two doing?

Love and miss you,

Jacob

at least the ground is thawing a bit...

...even if my mind is not

I'm feeling a bit frozen in time. Encapsulated by my lack of direction. I need to move forward, but my compass is spinning in circles, and I don't know which way to go. I didn't really have a grand plan when I left my job before Christmas. I was totally okay with that.

I didn't expect to be working at my dream job by now or anything, and I'm not in a financial panic yet. I still have a little more breathing room. I'm just a little disappointed. I took a big leap into the abyss, and now have an opportunity to do pretty much whatever the hell I want to (within reason, of course), yet I'm like the proverbial 5 year old child. "I want to be a firefighter." "No, now I want to be a race car driver." "I think I'll be a dentist."

Oy-freaking-vey!

I thought I had it figured out. Then, while watching TV sometime in the last couple of weeks, I saw a commercial for a school that I won't mention (for reasons I won't delve into), and it started me on a Google search for some answers to a few new questions. Turns out I could accomplish way more by attending a community college for WAY less money than the other program I was all set to sign up for. It would take twice as long to earn my degree and sit for my license, but I would be sitting for my RN versus my LPN. For a little more than half the money.

Okay, same direction, different path. I can do this. Then something changed. Some voice in the back of my mind said, "You really love 'this'. Are you sure you want to head in that direction, when this one is now open to you for the first time?"

I hate those voices sometimes.

So now I have a whole slew of questions I need to ask myself. A whole new set of answers and ideas to consider.

Being a grown-up kinda sucks, don't it?

times, they are a-changin'

...and the people are, too

These last few days have been interesting for me. Plans are changing. Relationships shifting. Hurt and fear are moving forward in a new light. Love and joy are superseding pain and heartache.

Yet what of the rest? There are so many emotions the human mind is capable of feeling, hearing, creating, expressing... Where does Joy go when Fear shows up? Does Confusion destroy Enlightenment and create the need for a complete reconstruction? Is it an emotional tug-of-war match in which the opposing forces are ever-present, despite the strength of one being greater than the other for a season? Or is it an all-out annihilation of the weaker? Do we need to create each, in and of itself, every single time?

To be honest, for if I can not be honest here, then where?, these thoughts permeate my heart and soul this morning. It's a gorgeous morning. The sun coexists with the snow and cold. The snow blankets everything this morning after the storm. Yet I know that there is life under the snow. If I could melt away the snow in my garden, you would see barren ground, with no evidence of life but the remains of previous life dead and gone. But it's not gone. It's under the earth. Resting. Waiting. Preparing itself for a new day, and a fresh glory. It will build on the life lived and spent in years prior, with a similarity that I know I've seen that blossom before, but here it is again new and fresh.

The wilted leaves and fronds lying dead and decaying under the snow indicate barrenness. A cold, harsh reminder that nothing lasts. Oh, but how wrong we are to brush those tattered remnants aside and assume all hope is lost. There is life, abundant, fresh life under the frozen earth. It waits for but the hint of Spring, with it's Warmth and Sun. It has rested from the strain of showing itself proud in seasons past. It is renewed and ready. It will break through the earth and be beautiful again. If you but blink, you will miss the splendor of it's rebirth.

You see, it's not simply the day or two that it shows forth the beauty of it's blossom that gives the flower it's purpose. It desires to reproduce and spread it love and beauty to farther and farther reaches of the Garden in which it lives, yes. Yet the pure Joy, and the unrestrained Stretching of it's support, the Growth of it's tender yet vital Leaves, all learning, yearning and beautiful holds so much Wisdom and Virtue.

If you come to my Garden, you may see it Sprouting. Another day, and you may see it Budding. If you play your cards right, and you plan ahead, you may see my Garden in Bloom. There is Beauty and Glory on each of those days. Still, I can't help but feel and know in my Heart that the Wisdom, the Real Magic, and the Lesson comes from the Less-Beautiful, Less-Glorious days of Growth and Preparation.

To the Visitor, it may seem that the Garden has miraculously sprung from the Earth to show it's Beauty and Grace in a show reserved simply for them. They would not be wrong.

The Greater Truth, and the Real Beauty is shown through to the One Who tends the Garden. The Blessing of Growth and Learning and Tending. The real and true miracle of life is seen in the daily growth and care, my friends.

The Blossoms are but a Bonus...



This post is dedicated to and inspired by the life, love and smile of Peggy Corrigan.

yawn

Oh goodness, I am so tired. And cold. And tired. Did I mention I'm cold, too?

According to my browser, it is currently 6 degrees outside, with a "Real Feel" of -3 degrees. I don't care who ya' are; that's just damn cold. Suffice to say, I am SO ready for spring!

Yeah, I know, I haven't posted in a while. I've thought about it a handful of times, but just never did. The good news is, the "new & improved" office is 98% complete! I've combined my office/guest room with Cody's office to make one large office for the both of us.

The other room is pretty much on hold right now, unfortunately. The guest bed is leaning up against the wall in there right now waiting to be taken to it's new home. Once that happens, I'll be able to finish cleaning up in there and hang clothing rods to turn it into a giant walk-in closet. Okay, maybe not giant to the rest of the world, but giant to the two of us!

After that, I'll be able to turn the clothes closet in the guest room into a storage closet. This house is seriously lacking in storage space, and being able to install out-of-the-way storage shelving will make a HUGE difference!

Since I can't do much more with either of those rooms for the next couple of weeks, I can now focus my attentions elsewhere. Like what I'm going to do with my life. You know; stuff like that. I've picked the choir music from church that people have turned in over the last few weeks, and that all needs to be filed. I also have to sort through the practice CD-RWs and clear them off for future use. Pretty innocuous stuff.

I've only got one more Sunday off from choir, so I need to get crackin' on "lesson plans" and figure out what direction we'll be heading in once rehearsals start back up in February. A few people have inquired about whether or not we'll have any kind of choir program at Easter, and truth be told, I have no idea what the answer is.

In addition to all that, I need to be studying math some more. I have an appointment to check out a school on Wednesday, and if that meeting goes well, I'll be taking an entrance exam in the near future. I'm pretty rusty on my simple math since I have relied on calculators for so long. On top of that, I have to refresh myself on certain equations and such as well.

Then I have that whole "job" thing to look forward to. I'll be waiting until Wednesday to follow through with anything on that front though. I need to find out the average workload for a student at this particular school before signing on to a new job. Making sure that there are enough hours left in the day for homework will be a pretty important factor in any job I seek.

Added to the joyous list above is the fact that I simply have to get my weight back under control. My pants are all too tight, and the scale has reached a number that I'm extremely unhappy with. So now I have to try and fit in a bit of exercise, too. With me not working, there really is no reason for me to not exercise. Don't get me wrong; I could totally give you a whole list of excuses.

aruba, jamaica

ooh i wanna take ya to bermuda, bahama, come on pretty mama

Yeah, I wish.

It's still cold. There is still snow on the ground. I'm still not a fan of either.

Now that we've dispensed with the obvious information, let's move on.

I was quite relieved this morning. As of yesterday afternoon, the school I have been considering attending had not updated their website to reflect any new dates for admission testing. The last date listed was yesterday, and I just was not prepared enough to feel comfortable taking the test that soon. So I spent a fair portion of yesterday afternoon and evening thoroughly *convinced* that I had missed the last opportunity to take the test for the spring class, and would have to wait until fall.

Waking up and checking their site this morning, I was able to take a deep breath. They have scheduled two more dates, which means I have not completely dropped the ball yet! In addition to that, I learned from my brother a couple of days ago that there is at least one game for my Nintendo DS that focuses strictly on math. I have a couple of those "brain games" already, and while they do include some math problems, I'm excited to find these other games that don't have all the other distractions.

I can't believe I just talked about being excited to do math. I sat on the couch with Cody the other night working on fractions, and though I made more errors in simple math than I'm comfortable with, I was encouraged at being able to at least do the problems themselves correctly.

Yeah, I know. Not exactly exciting stuff here, folks. I'm just trying to type my way into an awake and alert state of being.

ode to puppies

you stare
you whine
you beg, plead and pace

i believe you
i interrupt myself
i stop what i'm doing

we walk together
you gang up
you tumble into me

you freak
you spaz
patience isn't yours

i open the door
i chain you up
you run out into

the driveway
the driveway
must sniff

go to the grass
go to the grass
the ever-loving grass

do you thing
get back in
too cold to stand at the door

what a world

I'm sure that by now, you have all heard about the shootings in Tucson, AZ over the weekend. It's not only a tragedy, but it's brought out the best (and worst) in a lot of people. I've seen, read and heard a lot of commentary, both political and personal, since Saturday. I'm sure you have, too. I'm not going to get into that here. I'll just encourage you to pray, send positive thoughts, etc. to the victims and their families.

Let's not forget to pray for the accused gunman and his family as well.

totally dropped the ball

Yeah, so I've been trying to schedule posts for weekdays at 8am. Well, it's 8:01am on Monday, and here I am starting a post...

Not a very eventful weekend, really. And due to my sheer laziness the last two days, I really do need to get my butt in gear this morning. We'll see how that works out for me...

it gets old

My dog has had an "episode" for the second day in a row. I'm really not feeling it right now.

She all of a sudden decides that she *HAS* to lick. Mainly the floor, but she'll lick the furniture on her way by every once in a while. Nothing will stop her. We've tried holding her, but she just can't stop. She just goes until she's done. Yesterday's fit lasted for over three hours.

The first time this happened, I was able to hold her in one spot with no carpet and give her a lot of love and attention, focusing on a lot of belly patting. I essentially "burped" her until she threw up (hence the carpet-free area) so that I could give her a baby aspirin. At that time, we didn't know what was wrong (still don't), and the aspirin was just to get her to -hopefully- chill out enough to sleep.

I tried "burping" her several times yesterday to no avail. There's just no stopping her. She'll run to the door every once in a while, making you think she's going to expel something from somewhere, but when you put her outside, she just starts eating grass.

The only post I could find online from someone who has experienced the same thing with their own dog indicates it may be a form of seizure of else just a compulsion. The first time it happened, we took her to the vet. Much like pediatricians nowadays, they're quick to just prescribe an antibiotic and send you on your way. So for now, the plan is to just ride it out.

I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take. Not only is it annoying as hell to have a dog running around licking the floor non-stop and coughing because of all the hair she's ingesting. There is also the worry that she'll find something to lick that could really hurt her. Then there's that wonderful feeling of helplessness that occurs when you watch an animal you love go through something like this, and there isn't a thing you can do.

I guess it figures that I would end up with a dog who is just as neurotic as I am...

bound to happen

Yeah, I knew there would be a bad day thrown into the mix eventually. I've been riding the wave of euphoric freedom since leaving my job two and a half weeks ago. I knew that reality would eventually sink in.

Yesterday, when I went upstairs to pick up where I left off with the office debacle, I stuttered and stammered and paused and poked until I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere. It seems I was at the beginning of one of my off days. Looking back this morning, I can see a few things that I could have done differently, but... coulda'-shoulda'-woulda' and all that jazz.

While in the throes of my funk, the inevitable finally arrived: What the fuck am I doing? What am I *going* to do? *How*, exactly, am I going to go about doing whatever it is I decide I'm going to do. When? (Dear Blogger, please install an underline button. Thanks.)

So yeah, yesterday wasn't the best day I've had on this little journey. I didn't expect that I'd get through this whole big life-changing experience without second-guessing myself. I'm not into playing Pollyanna about life in general, and this is no exception.

Today however, is different. Today, I learned that I'm not alone. Today, I was reminded, is a new day, and a chance to start fresh.

I'm often quite thankful for the people in my life. Days like today though, when God gives me a reminder of just how important those people are to me and why he's put them in my path, humble me and make me so much more thankful.

not that i'm lazy or anything...

...but I've decided to go ahead and "borrow" a post from a friend. Most of you have probably all read it, since the same two people read both of our blogs...

Confidence

I think I've titled a post by this name before but to be honest I'm too lazy to go and look it up. lol.

I've dealt a lot with confidence as of late and it's been one hell of a struggle I must say. My whole life I've lacked confidence and the older I get the more I realize how much of a difference confidence can make in my every day life. The shoes I think that are so awesome that I don't buy because I tell myself I couldn't pull the look off. The hair style I don't try because I tell myself people like me don't get daring with their looks, they blend in and don't stand out. If you stand out people might want to talk to you, or possibly even talk about you.

I've lived my life so far in these dark corners, trying desperately to blend in with the carpet, or the wall paper, or whatever I could to not be noticed. I believe it takes confidence to walk into a room full of people you don't know, even if you know one person, just walking into that crowd takes confidence. Did I mention that this situation terrorizes me to within an inch of hysterics? It's completely crazy when I look at it from the outside, but from within me I am paralyzed in the situation.

There has been much discussion with me at work in regards to confidence. Much of my job entails getting customers to trust me and trust in what I have to say. I not only have to say the answer, I have to believe the answer is right, even if I know it could be wrong. It's crazy but that is so hard for me to accomplish. I have tried for weeks and I'm starting to get the hang of it, but it's a very slow process. I very rarely say anything with confidence. I'm either afraid of being wrong, or even worse, upsetting people.

To me confidence is the thing I admire the most. It's the thing I notice, it's the thing that attracts me to others, it's what I admire in others. Most of my friends are confident people, some of them don't believe it, but they are, and if they really aren't? Well they are certainly good at faking it. It's just something I admire so much and require from friendships. Perhaps if I'm around it enough it will start to rub off on me.

I rarely talk to strangers unless required, which makes meeting new people very difficult. I'm cautious about so much in my life because I lack the confidence I feel is required for the situation. This whole post is ironic if I take a step back and look at myself and the things I've done in my life, but to me I don't always see it. Yes I moved away from everyone I know to go back to school at the age of 21. Yes I bought a business at the age of 28 that I had no idea how to run, and yes I moved again at the age of 33. I have done some pretty crazy things when I think about it, but I don't feel that any of them required confidence, maybe stupidity, but not always confidence.

Each small decision I second guess myself. I find it so hard to make a decision sometimes because I never know what's behind that decision. What are the repercussions of that decision, will someone be upset? Will someone be put out? If it's just me, o.k. I can make the decision, but put even just one more person with me and I become a hot mess in making a decision.

Where does confidence stem from? Where does it come from? Who instills it in you? Is it genetic? Is it environmental? What is it and where does it come from? Can it be a learned behavior?

It's just something that's been bouncing around in my head recently.

le sigh

So this whole not working thing is just down-right odd. For starters, I'm in the midst of my third week of being unemployed, and yet I'm still waking up at 3:30am. Not really how I thought this whole thing was going to work out. It's good in that I am keeping to a regular schedule and I can still go to bed with Cody. The part I don't like is that, well, it's 3:30am!

Cody, being the sweetheart that he is, sleeps with earplugs in his ears to drown out (most) of my (and Winnie's) snoring. That makes it hard for him to hear his alarm clock sometimes, so he asked if I would be willing to continue waking up early to make sure that he doesn't sleep too late. Not to mention he's not a big fan of taking care of all 4 dogs first thing in the morning. This way, I can continue to let the three girls out to do their business and have them fed before he and Tux get up. I'm thinking the dogs aren't the only members of this household that are spoiled...

About the time Cody leaves for work, I've had my second cup of coffee and I am ready to start my day. That's when it dawns on me that I have the whole day ahead of me. Last week was a bit different for me, what with Cody being off work the whole week. I was able to get a lot done, but the two of us took a lot of time to do various things together throughout the week as well. Now that he is back to work though, the day is mine and mine alone. Well, and the dogs, too; they certainly let there needs be known from time to time.

I truly do have enough chores that need to be done around here to keep me busy for quite some time. Add to that list all the things I simply want to accomplish, and I've got quite the full-time job without necessarily leaving the house.

I finally got started on the office/guest room yesterday (Monday), and oy veh!, that is taking a lot more time than I had originally thought it would. I worked fairly steadily in that room yesterday, yet by the time Cody got home from work and I retired to the kitchen to start dinner, I didn't feel like I had accomplished all that much. I sorted and filed all the music I currently have here at home, and then sorted and filed all of the other, um... well, files. That led to cleaning out all my file folders, which then led to shredding documents for over an hour! The good news is that the majority of the paperwork cleaning portion of the project is done. The bad news is, that isn't even the tip of the iceberg yet!

All in all, it has been a fairly productive season around here for me. Truth be told, I'm rather enjoying the opportunity to get my house clean and put into some semblance of order. Yet I know that I can't continue to just clean every day for the rest of my life. My plans and goals for the future are ever-present in my mind, and I will hopefully be making progress in that area very soon.

On top of everything else, I've also considered adding *gulp* exercise to my daily routine. I really must be crazy...

not to advertise or anything

...but did you know that funeral homes leave the doors unlocked when they go out to lunch? Yeah, I didn't either.

I came down to Fremont this morning, and will be staying at my mom and dads until Saturday. Mom and I spent a good chunk of time arranging the flowers I had bought for Aunt Vicky's funeral. When we went to drop them off at the funeral home, I rang the bell twice and no one answered. So I tried the door, and low and behold - it opened!

I walk in and quietly poke my head around various door jambs, peeking into offices and walking down corridors. I tried to find anyone to deliver the flowers to, but the only person I could find was decidedly incapable of offering me any assistance. You see, the unlocked door exposed not only the business offices of the funeral home to uninvited guests, but a "client" as well.

***This post was actually started in October. Having apparently forgotten all about it, I left it sit until I re-discovered it last week. I added only the final two sentences to it; the rest of the post is untouched. If this entry seems a bit stunted and incomplete, I apologize. I would imagine that writing this at the time it happened seemed cathartic to me, but as of now, it feels like picking at a scab before it's ready to fall off on its own.***

with a little luck...

...I may get two or three posts scheduled today...

So I may have kinda' dropped a bit of a bomb in my last post. It was unintentional, I assure you. When I realized what I'd done, I considered editing the post, but then I remembered that once a post hits your reader, it doesn't update. So since the majority of you use a reader of some sort, I figured I may as well just let it ride.

For those of you who have already read the post in question and were left wondering: Yes, I am indeed unemployed at the moment. I can reassure you that it was completely my decision though. I did not get laid-off or fired.

I could go into a lot of long, boring detail I suppose. Since it has been two weeks since I quit though, I really don't have the energy to put myself back into that frame of mind and re-live all of that again. I've been relaxing and pondering and planning, and I have allowed myself to let all of that drama fall into the past.

So while some of you may be chomping at the bit waiting for the gory details, there's not going to be a whole lot of them. Sorry. Suffice it to say that I have been planning to take my leave of Lincoln Electric for quite a while. That job has served it's purpose in providing a good income to support my family and pave the way for me to move on. Now that time of moving on has come, and I have.

I do have a tentative plan that I have been working on, and now that the holiday season is behind us, I will be turning those cogs and gears a bit faster.

ruh-roh

See, I got all busy doing nothing yesterday, and totally forgot to write today's post! Damn you, facebook!!!

I had intended to clean the kitchen and possibly the living room yesterday, but got entangled in a web of facebook friend-poaching and, before I knew it, it was time to go meet my friend for lunch (Panera Bread - So yummy!).

I really don't have anything terrible profound to write about today, but I do want to keep the ball rolling so that it doesn't come to a screeching halt!

I feel like I have so much to do today without the time to do it. In reality, I don't *have* to be anywhere until 8pm, so I have all the time in the world, really. I just want the downstairs clean and put back into whatever passes for order in this house. Cody's family will be coming over for dinner tomorrow afternoon/evening, and my goal is to have almost all of the cleaning done before we leave for a party tonight. That way I can prep food in the morning, then clean the bathroom and be done. Time to sit on my butt and relax before family starts showing up and the dogs go crazy.

My poor office. My goal is now to have the office project done by next weekend. I dare not say more, as I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I am going to surprise Cody with. He has been off work all this week, but when he goes back to work on Monday, I'll be going to town on cleaning while he's at work.

Being unemployed certainly has some benefits! It's so much easier to get housework done when Cody isn't here, especially when I get up to no good! If he's not here to ask questions, I have the opportunity to accomplish a task without him knowing so that he sees the finished product and is more likely to be agreeable than if I try to explain it ahead of time.

'Tis infinitely easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.....