The good news is that I was able to scratch two items off of my list yesterday. I Mulched the new bushes that we planted a few months ago, as well as the row of bushes by the "dog area" and around the rose that a friend gave us as an anniversary gift. I also managed to head out to Chesterland with Cody last night to pick up our friends truck. Oh, and I almost forgot! I picked up my niece's birthday present, too.
So all that weeding that needed to be done didn't get done. That laundry basket full of clothes that needs to be put away is still balance precariously on the knee wall at the top of the stairs. My office? Still a complete and utter mess.
I, in my infinite wisdom, decided that yesterday would be the *perfect* time to tackle another project that has been on my "want to" list for quite some time. I completely rehabbed the "island" flower bed in the middle of the back yard. My crazy ass dug out every plant (except for a 98% dead Japanese maple), turned the soil, and replanted (almost)everything.
I. Am. Sore.
While not 100% what I would want, I think it turned out halfway decent. I have issues with some of the plants that we have (mostly due to the frequency of thinning needed, which is what spurred this project), but as they are some of Cody's favorites, I used quite a bit of them in the re-planting. It looks a little odd, especially since the majority of the plants are done blooming. So, just like years past, I will eagerly be awaiting spring so I can see how nature takes what I have done and adds it's own spice.
I now have three buckets full of extra gladiolas and two buckets full of coreopsis to rid myself of. I did reuse the coreopsis in a couple of areas, but since it spreads like mad, I didn't need to use much. The gladiolas were pretty much the main reason I dug the bed out. They were so thick that when I replanted them, I used less than a quarter of what I had, and that's actually more than I personally would have liked, but as this is another of Cody's beds that I have taken over, I have to respect his preferences in the plants I use.
All that shoveling, digging, kneeling, stooping, stretching, hoeing, raking, re-digging, planting and stooping some more has had a seriously negative effect on my body. Not only am I not used to that kind of work for that duration of time, but I am SO out of shape. I keep *intending* to work out with my Tai Chi DVD on a regular basis, but haven't followed through on that. I also have a couple of youtube videos bookmarked on my computer for doing some relatively simple at-home workouts. So far the most energy I've spent on those is moving the mouse to "Add Bookmark".
Luckily, today will involve a lot of sitting and not too much physical exertion. Unfortunately, that also means more time for my muscles to tighten up even more. So I'll definitely be trying to stretch a bit throughout the day.
This morning we'll be heading to downtown Cleveland for "Open Air in Market Square" to man the first shift at our church's informational booth. We're then headed off to Fremont to see my family. We'll go to Josh's first to pick up a truckload of sandstone pavers that he has been saving for us (hence borrowing our friends pickup truck). Then we'll be off to mom & dad's to celebrate my birthday and my niece's birthday. We're doing it a bit early this year, since between our schedule and mom & dad's schedule, it had to be either this weekend or not until the end of August.
I'm kind of excited. I usually don't care too much about birthday's (except the years that a true realization of my age sneaks up behind me), but this will be the first time that I'll be able to celebrate my birthday with my family including Cody by my side. It's also the first time that Cody will be with both mom & dad and Josh's family at the same time. My nieces are enamored with him, so hopefully mom and dad have gotten comfortable enough with all of this that their reaction to seeing him won't be an issue.
I'm not too concerned since we'll be going to Josh's first and they'll be able to get most of the screaming out of their system. Not to mention that when we're at Mimi and Papa's, the girls pretty much want to play on the computer or the X-box.
Speaking of the girls, I still have to wrap those presents before we leave, and I'm not even close to having everything else ready to go. I think that means I need to stop typing and get my sore ass off this couch.
...and yes, by the way, I do intend to get some pictures up soon. For those who just can't wait, head to my Flickr page...
July 31, 2010
July 30, 2010
free at last
Well it only took 5 days of busting my hump, but I finally managed a day off from my days off!!! I've been pretty busy since Saturday, and while I haven't managed to check off a whole lot of items on my "To do" list for this vacation, I have accomplished a lot of things on my long-term goal list.
My vacation ramped up into high gear first thing on Friday night. Cody and I had the pleasure of attending a local independent theater's production of "Rent: School Edition". The cast was comprised of teenagers, and their were a few minor tweaks to content and language, but for all intents and purposes, it was the same show I've come to know and love.
The only drawback (other than some sound issues that I hope were corrected after opening night) was the heat! The theater company rents a space on the third floor of an old brick building (part of a church complex), which means no A/C. Those of you who know me know that I don't like air conditioning all that much, but Friday was certainly an exception.
We were sweating our asses off, and I felt so bad for the actors, as the play is set mostly in winter in NYC, so their wardrobe consisted of winter clothes - including coats and scarves! Not to mention the musicians and techs were sitting up near the ceiling... Those poor people were soaking in their own sweat all night!
Saturday went well. I mentioned in my previous post that I was working on a big surprise project and was planning to attend a birthday celebration. I got the necessary work done on the choir project in order to hand out music and have mp3s to play for practice on Sunday, thankfully.
The birthday celebration was a hoot. Great food, awesome friends, and learning a lot about the people I've grown to love as well as a few exciting bits of our denomination's history.
Sunday was started with church and choir practice, and by the time I got home, I was whooped. I had stayed up later than usual to finish up choir music, and unfortunately woke up way too early without being able to fall back asleep. I think that I was in the house, stripped to my skivvies, and in bed asleep within 10 minutes of pulling in the driveway.
My nap lasted a bit longer than I had intended, but I felt so much better when I woke up. Of course I had to hit the ground running and get some shopping done that afternoon. By the time I got back home from running errands and had dinner, the day was pretty well over.
We had a bit of a false start getting out of the house on Monday morning, but we eventually made it to the zoo sometime around 11am. A friend of ours met us there, and overall we had a pretty good time. Unfortunately, I was going on day three of a mid-grade headache, which made the day difficult at times, but I was determined not to let it ruin the day for Cody and Rick.
After the zoo, we went to Edgewater Park and walked the beach for a while. Talk about nasty. Our lake is filthy, people. We seriously need to work on that. And for all the exposes on the news about that park being a gay cruising area, the only questionable behavior we saw involved a man and a woman. Luckily what we saw was far enough away from any children, as the beach wasn't too heavily populated on this particular evening. While this "gentleman" may have enjoyed being serviced with a view of the waves rolling on shore, I was a little put off by the fact that they didn't bother to go behind anything. They were tucked back into the tree line, but there was nothing to block the dead-on view. Options for freaking them out were discussed amongst the three of us, but we decided to play it safe and not approach or say anything.
We then moved on to a restaurant in the area that is quite popular, and therefore had to wait over an hour and a half for a table. Talk about frustrating. It was after 9pm by the time we got our food. We won't be going back there that late anytime soon! The food was really good, but I don't know that it's so good I'd be willing to wait that long to go back.
Tuesday was just freakin' awesome. We went to visit Stan Hywet Hall and Gardens, and even though it took a lot out of both Cody and I physically, it was well worth it. It is quite a beautiful place to visit!!!
Wednesday was a bit odd. I managed to get a little work done around the house before we headed off to have lunch with our Pastor. After lunch, I shut myself in the Pastor's conference room and sorted through a file drawer of old choir music. After having gotten about as far as I wanted for the day, I was ready to go, but Cody and one of the other guys had started a big labor-intensive project, and they wanted to get a bit further before calling it a day, so I was "stuck" there for a while.
I had been planning for a couple of months to try and make time to sort through several boxes of old music that were stored up in the seldom-used gym balcony. Since I was going to have to wait around for who knows how long, I decided to dive into that. Suffice it to say that the project ended up being a bit more involved than I thought, and I spent several hours working on it again yesterday.
I had to run out and pick a few things up before heading to the church to work, and while I was out I finally got the Starbuck's I have been craving since the beginning of my vacation.
By the time I got home and let the dogs out and mowed the lawn, I had just enough time to have a few PB&J sandwiches and then head right back out the door. Cody and I were at the foodbank last night for a couple of hours sorting through food with our couples group. We were both so exhausted when we got home that even though we wanted to sit and watch a movie together, we were having trouble staying awake and decided to hit the sack.
Which brings us to today! I kind of want to head back over to the church so that I can try to finish the project I started, but Cody and I have decided we need a day to be home before this vacation is over. Granted, I've got a lot of house and yard work to get done, but at least I'll be at home.
Other than heading out to pick up a friend's truck later this evening, we have no need or desire to leave our property today. I'm hoping to be able to get some tangible work done around here, but I also want to be able to relax a bit too. I guess we'll hust have to wait and see...
My vacation ramped up into high gear first thing on Friday night. Cody and I had the pleasure of attending a local independent theater's production of "Rent: School Edition". The cast was comprised of teenagers, and their were a few minor tweaks to content and language, but for all intents and purposes, it was the same show I've come to know and love.
The only drawback (other than some sound issues that I hope were corrected after opening night) was the heat! The theater company rents a space on the third floor of an old brick building (part of a church complex), which means no A/C. Those of you who know me know that I don't like air conditioning all that much, but Friday was certainly an exception.
We were sweating our asses off, and I felt so bad for the actors, as the play is set mostly in winter in NYC, so their wardrobe consisted of winter clothes - including coats and scarves! Not to mention the musicians and techs were sitting up near the ceiling... Those poor people were soaking in their own sweat all night!
Saturday went well. I mentioned in my previous post that I was working on a big surprise project and was planning to attend a birthday celebration. I got the necessary work done on the choir project in order to hand out music and have mp3s to play for practice on Sunday, thankfully.
The birthday celebration was a hoot. Great food, awesome friends, and learning a lot about the people I've grown to love as well as a few exciting bits of our denomination's history.
Sunday was started with church and choir practice, and by the time I got home, I was whooped. I had stayed up later than usual to finish up choir music, and unfortunately woke up way too early without being able to fall back asleep. I think that I was in the house, stripped to my skivvies, and in bed asleep within 10 minutes of pulling in the driveway.
My nap lasted a bit longer than I had intended, but I felt so much better when I woke up. Of course I had to hit the ground running and get some shopping done that afternoon. By the time I got back home from running errands and had dinner, the day was pretty well over.
We had a bit of a false start getting out of the house on Monday morning, but we eventually made it to the zoo sometime around 11am. A friend of ours met us there, and overall we had a pretty good time. Unfortunately, I was going on day three of a mid-grade headache, which made the day difficult at times, but I was determined not to let it ruin the day for Cody and Rick.
After the zoo, we went to Edgewater Park and walked the beach for a while. Talk about nasty. Our lake is filthy, people. We seriously need to work on that. And for all the exposes on the news about that park being a gay cruising area, the only questionable behavior we saw involved a man and a woman. Luckily what we saw was far enough away from any children, as the beach wasn't too heavily populated on this particular evening. While this "gentleman" may have enjoyed being serviced with a view of the waves rolling on shore, I was a little put off by the fact that they didn't bother to go behind anything. They were tucked back into the tree line, but there was nothing to block the dead-on view. Options for freaking them out were discussed amongst the three of us, but we decided to play it safe and not approach or say anything.
We then moved on to a restaurant in the area that is quite popular, and therefore had to wait over an hour and a half for a table. Talk about frustrating. It was after 9pm by the time we got our food. We won't be going back there that late anytime soon! The food was really good, but I don't know that it's so good I'd be willing to wait that long to go back.
Tuesday was just freakin' awesome. We went to visit Stan Hywet Hall and Gardens, and even though it took a lot out of both Cody and I physically, it was well worth it. It is quite a beautiful place to visit!!!
Wednesday was a bit odd. I managed to get a little work done around the house before we headed off to have lunch with our Pastor. After lunch, I shut myself in the Pastor's conference room and sorted through a file drawer of old choir music. After having gotten about as far as I wanted for the day, I was ready to go, but Cody and one of the other guys had started a big labor-intensive project, and they wanted to get a bit further before calling it a day, so I was "stuck" there for a while.
I had been planning for a couple of months to try and make time to sort through several boxes of old music that were stored up in the seldom-used gym balcony. Since I was going to have to wait around for who knows how long, I decided to dive into that. Suffice it to say that the project ended up being a bit more involved than I thought, and I spent several hours working on it again yesterday.
I had to run out and pick a few things up before heading to the church to work, and while I was out I finally got the Starbuck's I have been craving since the beginning of my vacation.
By the time I got home and let the dogs out and mowed the lawn, I had just enough time to have a few PB&J sandwiches and then head right back out the door. Cody and I were at the foodbank last night for a couple of hours sorting through food with our couples group. We were both so exhausted when we got home that even though we wanted to sit and watch a movie together, we were having trouble staying awake and decided to hit the sack.
Which brings us to today! I kind of want to head back over to the church so that I can try to finish the project I started, but Cody and I have decided we need a day to be home before this vacation is over. Granted, I've got a lot of house and yard work to get done, but at least I'll be at home.
Other than heading out to pick up a friend's truck later this evening, we have no need or desire to leave our property today. I'm hoping to be able to get some tangible work done around here, but I also want to be able to relax a bit too. I guess we'll hust have to wait and see...
July 24, 2010
already sweating at 7am
...but don't get me wrong. I'd much rather be sweating than shivering any day! A lot of times, in mid-winter when I complain about the cold/snow, people will say, "You'll be wishing it was this cold/snowy in July when it's 90 degrees out!"
To them I say, "Pi-shah. I have no desire to get back to winter, or ever spring for that matter."
Besides all that, I'm off work until next Monday, so it's definitely all good. This week is our summer shut-down at work, and I'm loving the fact that I don't have to go in for a week! I could potentially be busier over the next 9 days than if I were at work, but when I'm busy doing things on my own list versus "working", it's SO much better.
I've got a lot to get done today, and I hope I can accomplish it! I have the pleasure of being able to attend a birthday open house for a dear friend this afternoon, and I'm really looking forward to it. The only problem is that the other REALLY BIG item on my "To Do" list for today absolutely must be at least 99% complete by bedtime! Since I don't know for sure how long I will be gone today, I have no idea how much time I'll have to work on this project tonight. Which means I've got to bust my butt this morning to knock out as much as possible.
It's a project for the choir at church, and while I'm excited about all of it, there is an aspect of surprise surrounding one of the items on the agenda that has me quite geeked! I'll not mention it here, for fear of the possibility of anything being given away to the wrong person(s).
All that being said, I really need to get off the laptop and get my ass upstairs to the sweat lodge I call my office. I'll have to make a quick detour for a towel though, because I'm quite sure that I'll be needing it!
To them I say, "Pi-shah. I have no desire to get back to winter, or ever spring for that matter."
Besides all that, I'm off work until next Monday, so it's definitely all good. This week is our summer shut-down at work, and I'm loving the fact that I don't have to go in for a week! I could potentially be busier over the next 9 days than if I were at work, but when I'm busy doing things on my own list versus "working", it's SO much better.
I've got a lot to get done today, and I hope I can accomplish it! I have the pleasure of being able to attend a birthday open house for a dear friend this afternoon, and I'm really looking forward to it. The only problem is that the other REALLY BIG item on my "To Do" list for today absolutely must be at least 99% complete by bedtime! Since I don't know for sure how long I will be gone today, I have no idea how much time I'll have to work on this project tonight. Which means I've got to bust my butt this morning to knock out as much as possible.
It's a project for the choir at church, and while I'm excited about all of it, there is an aspect of surprise surrounding one of the items on the agenda that has me quite geeked! I'll not mention it here, for fear of the possibility of anything being given away to the wrong person(s).
All that being said, I really need to get off the laptop and get my ass upstairs to the sweat lodge I call my office. I'll have to make a quick detour for a towel though, because I'm quite sure that I'll be needing it!
June 26, 2010
le sigh
What a fah-reek-ing week. A lot has happened, a lot has changed, with more changes to come. I'm writing for a host of reasons, though I have no idea where I'm going with this. First off, I have to mention that I have deleted my facebook account. I want to start there because I know that the handful of people who read this blog will eventually notice my absence there and be wondering what's going on.
The decision to delete my profile was not made lightly, nor in haste. I've felt the pull of facebook and the sense of affirmation I seek there growing stronger and stronger of late, and I finally started to realize that not only had it become an unhealthy addiction for me, it was also becoming a crutch as well. Even when I had nothing to say myself, or anything to say on the status updates of my friends, I "had" to be logged in and checking it constantly. I needed affirmation that people found me funny or witty. I needed the sympathy, the love, the interaction. It was becoming quite unhealthy.
When I went to conference, I decided to not log into facebook at all, even though I did post the occasional picture or status update from my phone. Due to the settings on my account, I was receiving emails notifying me of photo comments and messages people left directly on my wall or in my inbox, but other than that, I was free from the chains of needing to log in.
When I finally logged back in last weekend and scrolled through a couple of pages to see what I had "missed", I finally realized that I really and truly hadn't missed anything. There were the occasional updates involving "real" life and "real" news, but for the most part it was just the same random stuff like always. Not that I'm judging the content of what my friends have posted, as I'm probably more guilty than most in the mindless drivel department. It just took a week away from it to realize that the connectedness that I thought i felt was for the most part false.
I've also realized over the last few weeks just how very much time I waste on the computer in general. I have unsubscribed from a lot of blogs in the last 2-3 weeks to keep from spending too much time seeking out entertainment in my false worlds rather than quality time and relationships in my real world.
I've not been healthy in the head as of late, and I felt that taking a step (or several) back from the little online world I had created myself was essential. After some of the events of the past week, it became clear to me that the idea of deleting my facebook account was a crucial step in my journey towards wholeness and peace of mind.
When the "last straw" occurred a few days ago, I admit that I was angry when I went through the process of deleting the account. In the peace of a new day and a fresh perspective, I realized what I had done and reactivated my profile (it takes 14 days for your account to be totally deleted once you start the ball rolling, and signing back in during that time reactivates everything). It took less than 12 hours for me to realize that even though the final decision was made at a time of anger and emotional unrest, the decision was still the right one to make.
It has been odd since that time, as I'm used to being able to interact with people whom I otherwise have no means of connection. I miss a few of them terribly, and will probably continue to do so. Yet the people who matter most to me are able to contact me or vice versa through email or telephone anyway. It may take a while to adjust, but I will be fine in the long run.
I have also decided to adjust some other things in my life that were causing stress or strife as well, but out of respect to those people which it affects, I'm going to refrain from saying much about all of that until such a time as I am able to give them a personal explanation for my decisions.
At any rate, the Cleveland Gay Pride Parade and Festival is today, and I have a lot to do before I leave. I'll be marching in the parade with my church, as well as helping to babysit the booth for a period of time. I'm looking forward to a bit of frivolity and entertainment today.
God knows I need to lighten up a bit...
The decision to delete my profile was not made lightly, nor in haste. I've felt the pull of facebook and the sense of affirmation I seek there growing stronger and stronger of late, and I finally started to realize that not only had it become an unhealthy addiction for me, it was also becoming a crutch as well. Even when I had nothing to say myself, or anything to say on the status updates of my friends, I "had" to be logged in and checking it constantly. I needed affirmation that people found me funny or witty. I needed the sympathy, the love, the interaction. It was becoming quite unhealthy.
When I went to conference, I decided to not log into facebook at all, even though I did post the occasional picture or status update from my phone. Due to the settings on my account, I was receiving emails notifying me of photo comments and messages people left directly on my wall or in my inbox, but other than that, I was free from the chains of needing to log in.
When I finally logged back in last weekend and scrolled through a couple of pages to see what I had "missed", I finally realized that I really and truly hadn't missed anything. There were the occasional updates involving "real" life and "real" news, but for the most part it was just the same random stuff like always. Not that I'm judging the content of what my friends have posted, as I'm probably more guilty than most in the mindless drivel department. It just took a week away from it to realize that the connectedness that I thought i felt was for the most part false.
I've also realized over the last few weeks just how very much time I waste on the computer in general. I have unsubscribed from a lot of blogs in the last 2-3 weeks to keep from spending too much time seeking out entertainment in my false worlds rather than quality time and relationships in my real world.
I've not been healthy in the head as of late, and I felt that taking a step (or several) back from the little online world I had created myself was essential. After some of the events of the past week, it became clear to me that the idea of deleting my facebook account was a crucial step in my journey towards wholeness and peace of mind.
When the "last straw" occurred a few days ago, I admit that I was angry when I went through the process of deleting the account. In the peace of a new day and a fresh perspective, I realized what I had done and reactivated my profile (it takes 14 days for your account to be totally deleted once you start the ball rolling, and signing back in during that time reactivates everything). It took less than 12 hours for me to realize that even though the final decision was made at a time of anger and emotional unrest, the decision was still the right one to make.
It has been odd since that time, as I'm used to being able to interact with people whom I otherwise have no means of connection. I miss a few of them terribly, and will probably continue to do so. Yet the people who matter most to me are able to contact me or vice versa through email or telephone anyway. It may take a while to adjust, but I will be fine in the long run.
I have also decided to adjust some other things in my life that were causing stress or strife as well, but out of respect to those people which it affects, I'm going to refrain from saying much about all of that until such a time as I am able to give them a personal explanation for my decisions.
At any rate, the Cleveland Gay Pride Parade and Festival is today, and I have a lot to do before I leave. I'll be marching in the parade with my church, as well as helping to babysit the booth for a period of time. I'm looking forward to a bit of frivolity and entertainment today.
God knows I need to lighten up a bit...
June 16, 2010
it's a hard-knock life
Seriously gang, it just doesn't get much worse. I've got the whole week off of work, which if you know me well, you know how much I love going into the shop every day. I'm stuck in Columbus, OH with a large group of friends from my church attending our Ohio District Adult Conference. To make matters worse, when I decided to update my blog this morning, the most relaxing spot I could find to sit and type was just outside the sliding glass door of our room, in a lounge chair that overlooks the hotel pool.
I just don't know how I'll ever survive this torture until Friday afternoon!
In all honesty though, other than the few boring or less-appealing parts of the day down here, this week is already going by too quickly. I'm used to the whirlwind vacations that Cody plans going by super quick, mostly because there is always something to do all day long, and they're always enjoyable. I knew that our "free time" from conference in the afternoons would go quickly while we were hanging out with some awesome people. I just didn't realize the WHOLE week would fly by like this!!!
One big down-side is that Cody and I are in a completely different hotel than the rest of the participants from our church. We were "forced" to look for a different hotel since the "official" hotel that the conference partnered up with for a group rate didn't have any smoking rooms. In addition to that, even with the group rate, we're still getting a much better deal where we're at. We're just a couple minutes farther out in the opposite direction from the other hotel, it's much cheaper, and seems to be nicer in my opinion. The other hotel is newer, but ours has been kept up quite well, so I'm happy with the choice we made. Not to mention that, with Cody still not working, a cheaper hotel (provided it's a clean and decent one) will definitely take priority over being with the rest of the group.
So far the conference has been pretty cool. There are definite pluses and minuses to it, but overall I'm pleased we decided to attend. The best part for me is getting to know a handful of friends a bit better, followed closely by the class I chose to take. We can take up to two additional classes each morning, and Cody and I decided to only take one so that we could spend a little more time relaxing before we leave each morning. This is our vacation in addition to a conference, so even though we don't have big enough blocks of time to do some other things we might have liked to do, we are trying to make the most of it and get the best of both worlds.
I enjoyed the Bible study yesterday morning, and look forward to the remaining sessions, but unfortunately Cody was a little less impressed. He may take that time to kind of meander and meditate for the rest of the week, but I'm not sure.
I decided to join the conference choir at the urging of a couple of friends as well. While there have been a few frustrating points that I won't go into out of respect for a couple of people whom I otherwise like quite well, it's been kind of nice to sing in a choir again. Plus we get to keep our music and take it back to our congregations! Since recently taking the interim choir director position at church, I've been looking for some ideas and music, and I'll definitely be utilizing one or two of these new songs.
The evening vesper speaker has been getting some kind of mixed reviews so far, and I have to say that I haven't quite made my mind up yet. I know that I haven't gotten anything out of it that I've taken to heart to walk away with as of yet, but hopefully the matters he's spoken of will be seated somewhere in my heart or subconscious to still be somewhat effective in my life at a later point.
Cody and I went to the other hotel during free time yesterday to hang out with a few of our friends and go swimming in their pool. It was actually quite nice. We had a chance to talk amongst ourselves without anyone being called away for this, that or the other. I know that our Pastor really enjoyed it. I think that's the longest I've been around him without someone coming to him with something that needed his attention or his phone going off. Pastors need to relax, too ya' know!
This afternoon we'll be headed out as a group to visit the shops and such on High St. It's supposed to be a nice little eclectic row of mom & pops, novelty and kitschy stores. It's a bit of a tradition for our congregation and they all seem to have really enjoyed it in the past, so I'm looking forward to it!
I think several of us may skip dinner tonight at the conference and go out to eat, as fish is on the menu, and most of us are either not into it or indifferent enough to be willing to skip it for something a little better with the group.
Alas, Mr. Man has just reminded me of the time. I need to shave and shower so we can head out in time for our first session.
I just don't know how I'll ever survive this torture until Friday afternoon!
In all honesty though, other than the few boring or less-appealing parts of the day down here, this week is already going by too quickly. I'm used to the whirlwind vacations that Cody plans going by super quick, mostly because there is always something to do all day long, and they're always enjoyable. I knew that our "free time" from conference in the afternoons would go quickly while we were hanging out with some awesome people. I just didn't realize the WHOLE week would fly by like this!!!
One big down-side is that Cody and I are in a completely different hotel than the rest of the participants from our church. We were "forced" to look for a different hotel since the "official" hotel that the conference partnered up with for a group rate didn't have any smoking rooms. In addition to that, even with the group rate, we're still getting a much better deal where we're at. We're just a couple minutes farther out in the opposite direction from the other hotel, it's much cheaper, and seems to be nicer in my opinion. The other hotel is newer, but ours has been kept up quite well, so I'm happy with the choice we made. Not to mention that, with Cody still not working, a cheaper hotel (provided it's a clean and decent one) will definitely take priority over being with the rest of the group.
So far the conference has been pretty cool. There are definite pluses and minuses to it, but overall I'm pleased we decided to attend. The best part for me is getting to know a handful of friends a bit better, followed closely by the class I chose to take. We can take up to two additional classes each morning, and Cody and I decided to only take one so that we could spend a little more time relaxing before we leave each morning. This is our vacation in addition to a conference, so even though we don't have big enough blocks of time to do some other things we might have liked to do, we are trying to make the most of it and get the best of both worlds.
I enjoyed the Bible study yesterday morning, and look forward to the remaining sessions, but unfortunately Cody was a little less impressed. He may take that time to kind of meander and meditate for the rest of the week, but I'm not sure.
I decided to join the conference choir at the urging of a couple of friends as well. While there have been a few frustrating points that I won't go into out of respect for a couple of people whom I otherwise like quite well, it's been kind of nice to sing in a choir again. Plus we get to keep our music and take it back to our congregations! Since recently taking the interim choir director position at church, I've been looking for some ideas and music, and I'll definitely be utilizing one or two of these new songs.
The evening vesper speaker has been getting some kind of mixed reviews so far, and I have to say that I haven't quite made my mind up yet. I know that I haven't gotten anything out of it that I've taken to heart to walk away with as of yet, but hopefully the matters he's spoken of will be seated somewhere in my heart or subconscious to still be somewhat effective in my life at a later point.
Cody and I went to the other hotel during free time yesterday to hang out with a few of our friends and go swimming in their pool. It was actually quite nice. We had a chance to talk amongst ourselves without anyone being called away for this, that or the other. I know that our Pastor really enjoyed it. I think that's the longest I've been around him without someone coming to him with something that needed his attention or his phone going off. Pastors need to relax, too ya' know!
This afternoon we'll be headed out as a group to visit the shops and such on High St. It's supposed to be a nice little eclectic row of mom & pops, novelty and kitschy stores. It's a bit of a tradition for our congregation and they all seem to have really enjoyed it in the past, so I'm looking forward to it!
I think several of us may skip dinner tonight at the conference and go out to eat, as fish is on the menu, and most of us are either not into it or indifferent enough to be willing to skip it for something a little better with the group.
Alas, Mr. Man has just reminded me of the time. I need to shave and shower so we can head out in time for our first session.
May 30, 2010
waiting 8 years for one meal
Well, gang, what do I say? Where do I even begin to start? Oh... I know!
Thank you!
Thanks to each and every one of my friends, family members, church family who have so lovingly and graciously been so supportive the last couple of days. All the prayers, kind words of encouragement, hugs, knowing glances with a glimmer in the eye... All of it. Every single thing helped boost Cody and I up these past two days.
The true love and devotion that you have all shown leaves me awestruck. I can't even begin to tell all of you how vital you have been to Cody and I making it through this weekend without pulling our hair out. I can assure that every kind thought, word or prayer was truly felt deeply. You all helped carry us through, and I can not thank you enough.
As far as the actual meeting itself, there is really not much to tell. I was a bit uncomfortable when we first got there, as Cody's nervousness translated into a LOT of talking. I feared he was trying to hard, but if mom and dad thought anything negative of it, it certainly didn't show.
We just sort of chit-chatted a bit while browsing the menu and waiting for our food. Talk slowed down a bit as we all started to dig in to our meals, and then we chatted a little while longer while waiting for the check.
Mom asked Cody about work (*gulp*), and he handled it quite well. He didn't lie about being unemployed, and made a great point of sharing all the volunteering that he's been doing without going far enough to feel immodest.
To be honest, I think Cody and my parents talked more than I did (which I'm totally okay with). There were no uncomfortable questions about our relationship; nothing was mentioned about how this was such a momentous occasion in our lives. It just was.
As we were saying goodbye in the parking lot, my mom actually gave Cody a big hug! She told him that she really was trying, and I know that was an enormous step for her. Cody told her how very much it meant to him and to us, and was finally able to properly express his gratitude, in person, for the prayers and support that they gave while his Dad was sick and after he died. I think that between the hug and being able to get that out finally, he was overjoyed.
So while it is and was a very big deal, it really was just one meal and a bit of conversation. But it was also the biggest step taken by any of the four of us since I came out to them 8 years ago.
Thanks again, guys. You truly are very dear to Cody and I.
Thank you!
Thanks to each and every one of my friends, family members, church family who have so lovingly and graciously been so supportive the last couple of days. All the prayers, kind words of encouragement, hugs, knowing glances with a glimmer in the eye... All of it. Every single thing helped boost Cody and I up these past two days.
The true love and devotion that you have all shown leaves me awestruck. I can't even begin to tell all of you how vital you have been to Cody and I making it through this weekend without pulling our hair out. I can assure that every kind thought, word or prayer was truly felt deeply. You all helped carry us through, and I can not thank you enough.
As far as the actual meeting itself, there is really not much to tell. I was a bit uncomfortable when we first got there, as Cody's nervousness translated into a LOT of talking. I feared he was trying to hard, but if mom and dad thought anything negative of it, it certainly didn't show.
We just sort of chit-chatted a bit while browsing the menu and waiting for our food. Talk slowed down a bit as we all started to dig in to our meals, and then we chatted a little while longer while waiting for the check.
Mom asked Cody about work (*gulp*), and he handled it quite well. He didn't lie about being unemployed, and made a great point of sharing all the volunteering that he's been doing without going far enough to feel immodest.
To be honest, I think Cody and my parents talked more than I did (which I'm totally okay with). There were no uncomfortable questions about our relationship; nothing was mentioned about how this was such a momentous occasion in our lives. It just was.
As we were saying goodbye in the parking lot, my mom actually gave Cody a big hug! She told him that she really was trying, and I know that was an enormous step for her. Cody told her how very much it meant to him and to us, and was finally able to properly express his gratitude, in person, for the prayers and support that they gave while his Dad was sick and after he died. I think that between the hug and being able to get that out finally, he was overjoyed.
So while it is and was a very big deal, it really was just one meal and a bit of conversation. But it was also the biggest step taken by any of the four of us since I came out to them 8 years ago.
Thanks again, guys. You truly are very dear to Cody and I.
May 29, 2010
it has finally arrived
You know that day that we all talk about? The one where you suddenly feel like a "real" grown-up? I finally had mine. It was sometime in the last week, and I'm not sure exactly what time on what day that I made the transition, but I realized last night that I may finally crossed that threshold.
First, let me say that updating this damn thing more regularly really IS on my priority list. I enjoy sharing a lot of things on here, and would like to get back into the habit of doing so on a more consistent basis. Not to mention, getting some of the not-so-pleasant stuff off of my chest is quite helpful to me most of the time.
That being said, a lot has happened since last we talked. First of all, the anti-racism team at church, which is the group responsible for getting the new choir started, asked me to be the interim choir director until we find someone permanent (and more qualified!), and I accepted the offer. We had already had our big debut at the church talent show a month prior, but Pastor Allen wanted us to sing the song again this past Sunday for the entire congregation. It was a bit stressful, mostly due to technical issues (like the fact that our woefully inadequate sound system is even more inadequate than I had realized - no monitors on stage!), but when all was said and done, I think the choir did an excellent job.
I'm a little stressed right now since we'll only have two practices to learn I song that I've never even heard before. Our first stab at it will be tomorrow, so sometime tonight I have to sit down and get music printed out and such, all while listening to it over and over so that I can be of some use to the choir tomorrow.
I'm also a little freaked out about what will be happening after choir practice tomorrow. Cody and I are headed to Sandusky to have dinner. With. My. Parents.
I'll give you a minute.
When I had mentioned to mom in an email that Cody and I were not going to be camping this weekend, she called to see if we would be available to meet up on Sunday. I knew that this day was coming, and had started to finally process that something I didn't think would ever be a possibility was now an inevitability. I didn't realize it would happen so very soon. My mom telling me that dad was still having issues made me think that I had a bit more time to deal with it myself.
I had a somewhat long conversation with my mom on the phone after she had revealed her desire to meet. It was important to me to at least know where she was coming from. I didn't want to be surprised with any kind of "attack", whether perceived or real. So it still baffles me a bit, and I still haven't been able to really digest it or understand it, but I do feel somewhat better after that conversation. My mom and dad are taking a big step out of their comfort zone too, so I'm not the only one.
So last night while I was thinking of all that I needed to do this weekend, the realization that I'm a real adult now finally hit me. I've got a lot responsibility to others, as well as myself, and I think that that has a lot to do with it. Also the fact that, even though I am anxious and all the usual emotions, I'm not freaking out completely. It seems I've gone into, "This is your life. Deal with it." mode or something.
All things considered, while I have a lot on my plate this weekend and I'm not sure how I'll accomplish it all, I know that I am and will be fine.
Just as an F.Y.I. though: I don't intend to actually "act" like an adult just because I'm being more responsible. There's just not enough fun in that!
Have a great weekend, gang!!!
First, let me say that updating this damn thing more regularly really IS on my priority list. I enjoy sharing a lot of things on here, and would like to get back into the habit of doing so on a more consistent basis. Not to mention, getting some of the not-so-pleasant stuff off of my chest is quite helpful to me most of the time.
That being said, a lot has happened since last we talked. First of all, the anti-racism team at church, which is the group responsible for getting the new choir started, asked me to be the interim choir director until we find someone permanent (and more qualified!), and I accepted the offer. We had already had our big debut at the church talent show a month prior, but Pastor Allen wanted us to sing the song again this past Sunday for the entire congregation. It was a bit stressful, mostly due to technical issues (like the fact that our woefully inadequate sound system is even more inadequate than I had realized - no monitors on stage!), but when all was said and done, I think the choir did an excellent job.
I'm a little stressed right now since we'll only have two practices to learn I song that I've never even heard before. Our first stab at it will be tomorrow, so sometime tonight I have to sit down and get music printed out and such, all while listening to it over and over so that I can be of some use to the choir tomorrow.
I'm also a little freaked out about what will be happening after choir practice tomorrow. Cody and I are headed to Sandusky to have dinner. With. My. Parents.
I'll give you a minute.
When I had mentioned to mom in an email that Cody and I were not going to be camping this weekend, she called to see if we would be available to meet up on Sunday. I knew that this day was coming, and had started to finally process that something I didn't think would ever be a possibility was now an inevitability. I didn't realize it would happen so very soon. My mom telling me that dad was still having issues made me think that I had a bit more time to deal with it myself.
I had a somewhat long conversation with my mom on the phone after she had revealed her desire to meet. It was important to me to at least know where she was coming from. I didn't want to be surprised with any kind of "attack", whether perceived or real. So it still baffles me a bit, and I still haven't been able to really digest it or understand it, but I do feel somewhat better after that conversation. My mom and dad are taking a big step out of their comfort zone too, so I'm not the only one.
So last night while I was thinking of all that I needed to do this weekend, the realization that I'm a real adult now finally hit me. I've got a lot responsibility to others, as well as myself, and I think that that has a lot to do with it. Also the fact that, even though I am anxious and all the usual emotions, I'm not freaking out completely. It seems I've gone into, "This is your life. Deal with it." mode or something.
All things considered, while I have a lot on my plate this weekend and I'm not sure how I'll accomplish it all, I know that I am and will be fine.
Just as an F.Y.I. though: I don't intend to actually "act" like an adult just because I'm being more responsible. There's just not enough fun in that!
Have a great weekend, gang!!!
May 22, 2010
just me and my coffee
It's been a while since I've just sat here an enjoyed the silence as I write. To just close my eyes and try to allow my thoughts to actually move around a bit, as opposed to stuffing them away for later. Like Scarlett O'Hara, my mantra is always, "I'll think of that later." well, it's later. I need to deal with all of these thoughts and concerns eventually, and stuffing them all away doesn't do me or anyone else any good. It just delays the inevitable and wreaks havoc on me in the process.
It starts in my head, where things begin to overwhelm me and consume me. Then all of that mental stress and fatigue starts to wear down my body. Keeping up the pace of mind games that allow me to function on at least a somewhat normal level tends to eventually wear me out in the long run. All that diverted energy ends up manifesting itself physically if allowed to go on unchecked. Intestinal issues caused by stress that start in my throat and chest as tightness and heartburn and run the entire system including my stomach and beyond start to appear and then worsen.
Sleepiness is a symptom of depression in my system, but it's also a side effect of both the conscious and subconscious battles against the depression. As a result, I'm constantly tired, constantly fighting to not fall asleep and to keep my energy levels up. When I sleep too much or nap too often, then I feel even more worthless and guilty, which deepens the feelings of despair and depression, causing more exhaustion and thus the symptom becomes the cause ant the cycle continues.
At some long ago point in my life, these cycles would begin and end on their own, and though I had no more control over them in the beginning than I do now, they were always so much shorter.
I've always been susceptible to the winter blahs, and that can lead to a cycle, or just intensify one that is already in progress. With springs arrival though, I could enjoy life and the sunshine again. Now, as much as I look forward to spring, it brings it's own set of problems. Things I once loved become complicated in my mind and therefore scary and impossible.
I love to work in the yard planting flowers, moving things around and even weeding most days. Anything to be outside. I change the layout and design of my flowerbeds continuously just so I can keep my hands dirty without spending more money or digging out new beds.
With each passing year though, it gets harder and harder to be outside working if anyone else is around. I feel unable to accomplish even the smallest of goals in the yard and flower beds. Everything seems just out of reach.
I have a motorcycle in my garage that is now over two years old, yet it has less than 500 miles on it. I fell in love with riding after a summer spent behind Cody on his motorcycle. Now even though I still want to ride, and sometimes even crave the feel of an afternoon sun shining down as I ride along the riverside just outside of town, I can't bring myself to get on the damn bike.
There are so many things that I want or need to do, yet the thought of not knowing how or doing something wrong in some way totally scares me away from even starting. Then comes more worthlessness and despair. Then the spiral deepens. Then I'm not just circling the drain, but headed straight for it.
I keep telling myself, "If only _____, I could do this." If only I had a regular, day shift, Monday through Friday job, I wouldn't be tired. I wouldn't be so distant. I could do more of what I want to do instead of just what I'm able to fit into my schedule.
I need to spend more time focusing on what matters most to me, and the things that I have committed to doing. I need to spend less time on the internet machine constantly craving that self-gratifying feedback from people on facebook.
I've deleted close to half of the subscriptions in my reader. I want to spend more time offline than on, but the computer is such an effective crutch. It's so easy to "connect" and be myself online. It's hard work when it's not fostered by a keyboard and faceless contact. Real life in real time is hard. It's ugly and dirty, and I'm horrible at it. Small talk baffles me. I'm unable to participate, and I'm horrible when I do.
Cody and I will be attending a conference for the Disciples of Christ in Ohio in about 3-4 weeks, and I'm scared shitless. That's a lot of new faces. And one of those new faces will be the ones I typically hide from our friends at church. They're going to get a glimpse into the real me, and I don't know if I can handle that.
I want to take some time over the course of that week to sort of "center" myself and be a little healthier on the inside. How I'm able to accomplish that is something I'm still working on.
I'm considering another techno-sabbatical and going of the grid for a while. I would really like to try spending the entire summer disconnected from the computer (except email, since that's the only form of communication with some friends and family). I would also really like to avoid the TV. Most of the shows that I "have" to watch are currently wrapping up for the season, so it shouldn't be too hard.
I'm not entirely sure what I'll end up doing, but I do know that something has got to give, and I don't want it to be me this time.
To be completely honest, I think I need a med adjustment as well as some honest-to-goodness lay-on-the-chaise-and-tell-me-about-your-childhood therapy. That scares the shit out of me though. I've had some less than stellar experiences with drugs and therapists, and it keeps me from actively pursuing anything on a real level.
Cody and I had a sit-down with Pastor Allen a few weeks ago, mostly to discuss the possibility of my finding additional help outside of my counseling with Pastor. I agreed to give it a shot, as they were both quite reassuring of my ability to have the final approval on any therapist or drug (excepting any immediate danger, at which point I gave them permission to do what is necessary).
Cody actually volunteered to do the initial work of finding new therapists for me to try out, but he has said nothing of it since that day, and I've not been crazy enough to remind him. I'm freaked out by the possibility, and see no reason to push him on it! (Trouble being that when he reads this, I'm gonna hear a few sharp words, to be sure...)
So for now I just continue my inaction. The sun is out, but it's a big world of frightening possibilities being lit up. Perhaps I'll go check my facebook updates.
It starts in my head, where things begin to overwhelm me and consume me. Then all of that mental stress and fatigue starts to wear down my body. Keeping up the pace of mind games that allow me to function on at least a somewhat normal level tends to eventually wear me out in the long run. All that diverted energy ends up manifesting itself physically if allowed to go on unchecked. Intestinal issues caused by stress that start in my throat and chest as tightness and heartburn and run the entire system including my stomach and beyond start to appear and then worsen.
Sleepiness is a symptom of depression in my system, but it's also a side effect of both the conscious and subconscious battles against the depression. As a result, I'm constantly tired, constantly fighting to not fall asleep and to keep my energy levels up. When I sleep too much or nap too often, then I feel even more worthless and guilty, which deepens the feelings of despair and depression, causing more exhaustion and thus the symptom becomes the cause ant the cycle continues.
At some long ago point in my life, these cycles would begin and end on their own, and though I had no more control over them in the beginning than I do now, they were always so much shorter.
I've always been susceptible to the winter blahs, and that can lead to a cycle, or just intensify one that is already in progress. With springs arrival though, I could enjoy life and the sunshine again. Now, as much as I look forward to spring, it brings it's own set of problems. Things I once loved become complicated in my mind and therefore scary and impossible.
I love to work in the yard planting flowers, moving things around and even weeding most days. Anything to be outside. I change the layout and design of my flowerbeds continuously just so I can keep my hands dirty without spending more money or digging out new beds.
With each passing year though, it gets harder and harder to be outside working if anyone else is around. I feel unable to accomplish even the smallest of goals in the yard and flower beds. Everything seems just out of reach.
I have a motorcycle in my garage that is now over two years old, yet it has less than 500 miles on it. I fell in love with riding after a summer spent behind Cody on his motorcycle. Now even though I still want to ride, and sometimes even crave the feel of an afternoon sun shining down as I ride along the riverside just outside of town, I can't bring myself to get on the damn bike.
There are so many things that I want or need to do, yet the thought of not knowing how or doing something wrong in some way totally scares me away from even starting. Then comes more worthlessness and despair. Then the spiral deepens. Then I'm not just circling the drain, but headed straight for it.
I keep telling myself, "If only _____, I could do this." If only I had a regular, day shift, Monday through Friday job, I wouldn't be tired. I wouldn't be so distant. I could do more of what I want to do instead of just what I'm able to fit into my schedule.
I need to spend more time focusing on what matters most to me, and the things that I have committed to doing. I need to spend less time on the internet machine constantly craving that self-gratifying feedback from people on facebook.
I've deleted close to half of the subscriptions in my reader. I want to spend more time offline than on, but the computer is such an effective crutch. It's so easy to "connect" and be myself online. It's hard work when it's not fostered by a keyboard and faceless contact. Real life in real time is hard. It's ugly and dirty, and I'm horrible at it. Small talk baffles me. I'm unable to participate, and I'm horrible when I do.
Cody and I will be attending a conference for the Disciples of Christ in Ohio in about 3-4 weeks, and I'm scared shitless. That's a lot of new faces. And one of those new faces will be the ones I typically hide from our friends at church. They're going to get a glimpse into the real me, and I don't know if I can handle that.
I want to take some time over the course of that week to sort of "center" myself and be a little healthier on the inside. How I'm able to accomplish that is something I'm still working on.
I'm considering another techno-sabbatical and going of the grid for a while. I would really like to try spending the entire summer disconnected from the computer (except email, since that's the only form of communication with some friends and family). I would also really like to avoid the TV. Most of the shows that I "have" to watch are currently wrapping up for the season, so it shouldn't be too hard.
I'm not entirely sure what I'll end up doing, but I do know that something has got to give, and I don't want it to be me this time.
To be completely honest, I think I need a med adjustment as well as some honest-to-goodness lay-on-the-chaise-and-tell-me-about-your-childhood therapy. That scares the shit out of me though. I've had some less than stellar experiences with drugs and therapists, and it keeps me from actively pursuing anything on a real level.
Cody and I had a sit-down with Pastor Allen a few weeks ago, mostly to discuss the possibility of my finding additional help outside of my counseling with Pastor. I agreed to give it a shot, as they were both quite reassuring of my ability to have the final approval on any therapist or drug (excepting any immediate danger, at which point I gave them permission to do what is necessary).
Cody actually volunteered to do the initial work of finding new therapists for me to try out, but he has said nothing of it since that day, and I've not been crazy enough to remind him. I'm freaked out by the possibility, and see no reason to push him on it! (Trouble being that when he reads this, I'm gonna hear a few sharp words, to be sure...)
So for now I just continue my inaction. The sun is out, but it's a big world of frightening possibilities being lit up. Perhaps I'll go check my facebook updates.
May 9, 2010
don't spit out your coffee
Hey Gang!
I wrote all this out last night in my little journal-thingy, and decided this morning that I wanted to add it to my blog. I originally wrote it out so that sometime down the road I could remember all of it. Things tend to get fuzzy over time, and I thought this story was important enough to have an account of for my own personal archive.
I am scheduling this to post at 11:00am so that Cody doesn't see it before we leave for church! I told him last night when I got home from visiting my family that I had a surprise for him that I couldn't tell him about yet. I'll try to remember to come back and let you all know what he thought of his surprise. Maybe even let him guest post if he's willing!
At any rate, here's my journal entry from last night:
Saturday, May 8 9pm
I went to Fremont today in order to spend time with my family. Our plans to get together a couple of weeks ago in Sandusky fell through because Dad had to work. So it was a celebration of his birthday in April, Josh's birthday two days ago, Mother's Day tomorrow, and Taylor's birthday Friday. That's a lot of gift cards!
Shortly after arriving, Dad and Josh went out to cook bratwurst and hot dogs on the grill. After they stepped out and Crystal followed them to have a cigarette, I found myself alone in the kitchen with Mom. She gave me a hug and asked if Cody had gotten his card.
-- This card was a big deal to both Cody and I. Mom and Dad sent a card congratulating Cody on his baptism last week, and it caught both of us quite of guard. It was a huge step for my parents, and none of the significance was lost on the two of us. --
So I told Mom that he had indeed gotten the card, and we were both very grateful as well as touched because we knew it was a big step for her.
Then my mother absolutely floored me. She told me that she had wanted to invite Cody to come today, but my dad wasn't ready.
!
!
!
Wait. What?
I'm surprised I didn't fall out, to be honest. I have spent eight years convinced that this day would never come. It was essential for my sanity and well-being to not allow room for hope that this odd little relationship would ever be any different. We have all pretended not to see the giant pink elephant in the room for the past 8 years. This is huge.
She said when she suggested the idea to Dad, he said that it made him sick to his stomach. I'm trying not to read anything into that. Dad has similar anxiety issues to mine, so it's not surprising. Beyond that, I don't want to think of the implications of that statement. I can only hope in the stillness of night that my resolve holds firm and I don't become a victim of my imagination.
Mom mentioned that she didn't know that Cody was going to be baptized until Josh said something to her. I told her that I never know what the "rules" are or when they change. She said that I know I can talk to her. Dad's not really ready for that yet, but I can talk to her.
Who is this woman, and what has she done with my mother?!?
Mom told me before I left to "keep praying; it's coming." Well, I'll certainly do that!
She also mentioned, in front of everyone, that she wanted to come some Sunday and hear the choir!
I've decided to wait to tell Cody about this until tomorrow. I want to give this story during our time for testimony at SSCC. It certainly is a testament to God's love!
I don't yet know what all of this means. Is she still of the mindset that I'm living a sinful life and in danger of the fires of hell? Has she actually prayed and read through this issue the same way I and so many others have? Has God turned her heart towards the truth?
I have no idea.
Maybe she has just decided that regardless of who I sleep with, life is too short to have such a stunted and complicated relationship.
I'm not sure where we'll go from here. I just know that right now, for tonight, we've taken a giant step forward.
I'm so thankful to God for the work He's done in my life, particularly in the past year. I am so very blessed!
I wrote all this out last night in my little journal-thingy, and decided this morning that I wanted to add it to my blog. I originally wrote it out so that sometime down the road I could remember all of it. Things tend to get fuzzy over time, and I thought this story was important enough to have an account of for my own personal archive.
I am scheduling this to post at 11:00am so that Cody doesn't see it before we leave for church! I told him last night when I got home from visiting my family that I had a surprise for him that I couldn't tell him about yet. I'll try to remember to come back and let you all know what he thought of his surprise. Maybe even let him guest post if he's willing!
At any rate, here's my journal entry from last night:
Saturday, May 8 9pm
I went to Fremont today in order to spend time with my family. Our plans to get together a couple of weeks ago in Sandusky fell through because Dad had to work. So it was a celebration of his birthday in April, Josh's birthday two days ago, Mother's Day tomorrow, and Taylor's birthday Friday. That's a lot of gift cards!
Shortly after arriving, Dad and Josh went out to cook bratwurst and hot dogs on the grill. After they stepped out and Crystal followed them to have a cigarette, I found myself alone in the kitchen with Mom. She gave me a hug and asked if Cody had gotten his card.
-- This card was a big deal to both Cody and I. Mom and Dad sent a card congratulating Cody on his baptism last week, and it caught both of us quite of guard. It was a huge step for my parents, and none of the significance was lost on the two of us. --
So I told Mom that he had indeed gotten the card, and we were both very grateful as well as touched because we knew it was a big step for her.
Then my mother absolutely floored me. She told me that she had wanted to invite Cody to come today, but my dad wasn't ready.
!
!
!
Wait. What?
I'm surprised I didn't fall out, to be honest. I have spent eight years convinced that this day would never come. It was essential for my sanity and well-being to not allow room for hope that this odd little relationship would ever be any different. We have all pretended not to see the giant pink elephant in the room for the past 8 years. This is huge.
She said when she suggested the idea to Dad, he said that it made him sick to his stomach. I'm trying not to read anything into that. Dad has similar anxiety issues to mine, so it's not surprising. Beyond that, I don't want to think of the implications of that statement. I can only hope in the stillness of night that my resolve holds firm and I don't become a victim of my imagination.
Mom mentioned that she didn't know that Cody was going to be baptized until Josh said something to her. I told her that I never know what the "rules" are or when they change. She said that I know I can talk to her. Dad's not really ready for that yet, but I can talk to her.
Who is this woman, and what has she done with my mother?!?
Mom told me before I left to "keep praying; it's coming." Well, I'll certainly do that!
She also mentioned, in front of everyone, that she wanted to come some Sunday and hear the choir!
I've decided to wait to tell Cody about this until tomorrow. I want to give this story during our time for testimony at SSCC. It certainly is a testament to God's love!
I don't yet know what all of this means. Is she still of the mindset that I'm living a sinful life and in danger of the fires of hell? Has she actually prayed and read through this issue the same way I and so many others have? Has God turned her heart towards the truth?
I have no idea.
Maybe she has just decided that regardless of who I sleep with, life is too short to have such a stunted and complicated relationship.
I'm not sure where we'll go from here. I just know that right now, for tonight, we've taken a giant step forward.
I'm so thankful to God for the work He's done in my life, particularly in the past year. I am so very blessed!
April 17, 2010
this pill makes you smaller
*Deep breath*
Been a month since I checked in. Had some bad times, as evidenced by my previous post. Had some good times, too. It's been a hell of a rollercoaster this past month!
I'm currently spazzing out a bit and waiting for the Xanax to kick in. Heart's going a bit too fast for my liking, and I took a pill to cut any potential panic attack in the teeth before it has a chance to take hold. I will take another pill exactly 6 hours after the last one.
I've been working pretty hard to get things moving with our new choir at church, and tonight is our big "Debut" at the church talent show. I'll also be singing a solo, all by myself, in front of friends and strangers, for the first time in over 8 years. In addition to the solo I have chosen, I was "nominated" by our choir to sing the final chorus of our selection the first time through, as it's too tricky for the choir with only one practice. Oh, and I'm "directing" the choir too.
I'm only slightly freaking out.
I decided this morning to keep reminding myself today that I have worked too hard on this to let my stress level prevent me from enjoying it.
*Deep breath*
Been a month since I checked in. Had some bad times, as evidenced by my previous post. Had some good times, too. It's been a hell of a rollercoaster this past month!
I'm currently spazzing out a bit and waiting for the Xanax to kick in. Heart's going a bit too fast for my liking, and I took a pill to cut any potential panic attack in the teeth before it has a chance to take hold. I will take another pill exactly 6 hours after the last one.
I've been working pretty hard to get things moving with our new choir at church, and tonight is our big "Debut" at the church talent show. I'll also be singing a solo, all by myself, in front of friends and strangers, for the first time in over 8 years. In addition to the solo I have chosen, I was "nominated" by our choir to sing the final chorus of our selection the first time through, as it's too tricky for the choir with only one practice. Oh, and I'm "directing" the choir too.
I'm only slightly freaking out.
I decided this morning to keep reminding myself today that I have worked too hard on this to let my stress level prevent me from enjoying it.
*Deep breath*
March 24, 2010
caught in the undertow
I've always known what that phrase meant in a literal/physical sense. I've heard it used in a metaphorical sense before, and I understand the concept and what it means. Never before have I experienced that metaphorical concept in a tangible way though. Until now.
It's strange really. I think it should be frightening, especially to someone with anxiety/panic disorders, but it's not. It just is.
The whole thing is kind of parallel universe to me, really. If asked whether anything is "wrong", I'm not sure how I would answer. It doesn't feel like something is wrong. If just feels "other". Like if I had to answer how I felt in the form of a multiple choice question, I would fill in the circle "D - None of the above."
It's odd to feel trapped and yet not feel anything. I can feel my heart beating normally. I don't "feel" depressed like I did yesterday. I don't feel the claws of anxiety tearing at my mind like they were Monday. Yet there is something there. Just beneath the surface where I can't see it or identify it. I can't tell what shape it is, or what color it is; whether it's living and breathing or dead and inanimate. I just know that it's there.
I can walk through the house feeling like it is any other "normal" day (normal is a highly subjective term in my world), but there seem to be these little lines all over the place that I can't cross.
I need cigarettes, but I can't leave the property. My feet stop in front of the kitchen window. I can look out at my truck, but I can't get into it.
I need to bring the garbage cans around back from the tree lawn. Too close to the real world.
Work? Yeah, it would be nice to make it in today. Especially considering I've missed two days. Can't do it. I'm not even anxious about it like I have been. I just "can't".
That's why I feel caught in the undertow. I'm fine on the surface, but something unseen is pulling me down. Not over my head. Not yet. I can still breathe; I'm not drowning or gasping for air. Not yet.
But I need to get out of the water. That's what makes me anxious. I'm not drowning NOW, so I'm not scared yet. But thinking about what COULD be coming in with the tide scares me. The thought of being out here alone when it gets cold and dark scares me.
I can't leave for work. I can't go to the store. I can't even answer my phone.
What happens tomorrow? I'm supposed to go on a fishing trip, but I can't even bring myself to pack up my gear. What happens if I can't leave the house again in the morning? Who's going to tell my dad and brother, who have been looking forward to this trip for months, that I had to bail on them? How will they react? I don't know, and I mostly don't care. Except what if dad thinks just the wrong thought and it triggers his own anxiety disorder? That makes me anxious. I don't want to hurt him, but that alone can't lift me out of the chair to pack.
I've talked to Cody.
I've talked to Pastor.
I've talked to Cody some more.
I've been "okay" several times over the last few days.
So why won't this damn undertow stop? The currents have to shift eventually, right?
I'm accustomed to feeling anxious. I'm accustomed to feeling depressed. I don't like those feelings, and I'm not good at handling them, but at least they're familiar. Being trapped is not something I'm accustomed to, and I don't like the way it feels. It's not my size, it's not my color, and it's wearing blisters in the heels of my brain.
Talking, thinking, "emoting" - these things all make me sleepy. If I sleep, I wake up feeling even more worthless and useless.
But sleep is where I'm free. Sleep is where none of this matters. Sleep is where I don't have to think for myself.
Sleep doesn't go to the store though. Sleep doesn't have a job to pay the bills and provide for my family.
Sleep also doesn't have to avoid the eyes of my dogs though. It doesn't have to avert it's gaze in the hopes that the dog won't beg to go o-u-t (I don't dare say it out loud). O-u-t is on the other side of the door.
To get to the other side of the door, I have to unlock the deadbolt and turn the knob.
That's just not something I'm capable of right now.
It's strange really. I think it should be frightening, especially to someone with anxiety/panic disorders, but it's not. It just is.
The whole thing is kind of parallel universe to me, really. If asked whether anything is "wrong", I'm not sure how I would answer. It doesn't feel like something is wrong. If just feels "other". Like if I had to answer how I felt in the form of a multiple choice question, I would fill in the circle "D - None of the above."
It's odd to feel trapped and yet not feel anything. I can feel my heart beating normally. I don't "feel" depressed like I did yesterday. I don't feel the claws of anxiety tearing at my mind like they were Monday. Yet there is something there. Just beneath the surface where I can't see it or identify it. I can't tell what shape it is, or what color it is; whether it's living and breathing or dead and inanimate. I just know that it's there.
I can walk through the house feeling like it is any other "normal" day (normal is a highly subjective term in my world), but there seem to be these little lines all over the place that I can't cross.
I need cigarettes, but I can't leave the property. My feet stop in front of the kitchen window. I can look out at my truck, but I can't get into it.
I need to bring the garbage cans around back from the tree lawn. Too close to the real world.
Work? Yeah, it would be nice to make it in today. Especially considering I've missed two days. Can't do it. I'm not even anxious about it like I have been. I just "can't".
That's why I feel caught in the undertow. I'm fine on the surface, but something unseen is pulling me down. Not over my head. Not yet. I can still breathe; I'm not drowning or gasping for air. Not yet.
But I need to get out of the water. That's what makes me anxious. I'm not drowning NOW, so I'm not scared yet. But thinking about what COULD be coming in with the tide scares me. The thought of being out here alone when it gets cold and dark scares me.
I can't leave for work. I can't go to the store. I can't even answer my phone.
What happens tomorrow? I'm supposed to go on a fishing trip, but I can't even bring myself to pack up my gear. What happens if I can't leave the house again in the morning? Who's going to tell my dad and brother, who have been looking forward to this trip for months, that I had to bail on them? How will they react? I don't know, and I mostly don't care. Except what if dad thinks just the wrong thought and it triggers his own anxiety disorder? That makes me anxious. I don't want to hurt him, but that alone can't lift me out of the chair to pack.
I've talked to Cody.
I've talked to Pastor.
I've talked to Cody some more.
I've been "okay" several times over the last few days.
So why won't this damn undertow stop? The currents have to shift eventually, right?
I'm accustomed to feeling anxious. I'm accustomed to feeling depressed. I don't like those feelings, and I'm not good at handling them, but at least they're familiar. Being trapped is not something I'm accustomed to, and I don't like the way it feels. It's not my size, it's not my color, and it's wearing blisters in the heels of my brain.
Talking, thinking, "emoting" - these things all make me sleepy. If I sleep, I wake up feeling even more worthless and useless.
But sleep is where I'm free. Sleep is where none of this matters. Sleep is where I don't have to think for myself.
Sleep doesn't go to the store though. Sleep doesn't have a job to pay the bills and provide for my family.
Sleep also doesn't have to avoid the eyes of my dogs though. It doesn't have to avert it's gaze in the hopes that the dog won't beg to go o-u-t (I don't dare say it out loud). O-u-t is on the other side of the door.
To get to the other side of the door, I have to unlock the deadbolt and turn the knob.
That's just not something I'm capable of right now.
January 15, 2010
i feel like the white rabbit
Hi guys and gals!
I totally got the whole "I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for an important date!" vibe going on for me this morning. So of course I stop to write a blog post. I just have so much I need to do today, so many projects that I need to start (some of which have been back-burnered for far too long), that I've felt like I'm late since shortly after waking up. I'm not to the point where I'm anxious about it and need a Xanax or anything, which is good, but I do need to get it under control.
None of these things absolutely have to get done today, but several of them do need to be done soon. For one thing, my office is slowly spiraling out of control again, and I need to reign it in before it gets out of hand. Partly because it just needs it, and partly because some of the other work and projects in the queue will require the use of my desk which is full of plants and assorted junk at the moment.
I put off taking down my Christmas tree a bit long than I normally do since I put it up so late, and I really need to get it torn down and put away. I love looking at it, but the longer it is up, the more nicotine and dust there is on the ornaments, and there's just not a good way to clean them. I just wish I could throw it in a bag, ornaments and all, and have it ready to go in 5 seconds a la the Grinch. Taking all the ornaments off the tree and packing them away does afford me the opportunity to admire some of my favorites one last time before next Christmas though, so I'm sort of looking forward to it.
I've also got to get my butt in gear on having my records transferred so my transition to a new set of doctors goes smoothly. I have an appointment with my new GP in a few weeks, and I need to make sure I have all my ducks in a row. Mostly just so there's no interruption in my medications.
Add to that a few projects that are "due" in the coming weeks that I at least need to begin, and I've got a pretty full calendar! I've signed up to lead Bible study on the 27th of this month, so I have to get my lesson going. I also signed up to cover the Communion meditation for out February contemporary service. I know where I want to go with that, so it's just a matter of getting my references in order and getting it all written out.
I've joined a few teams at church, and while I'm excited for the possibilities it affords me, I do want to do my part effectively so it's important to me that I start off on the right foot and not feel like I'm a step behind from the get-go.
Speaking of which, we're exploring starting a gospel choir at church, and one of the first tasks is to find a "director" of one sort or another to lead us. If anyone has any leads (or interest) to help point us in the right direction, please contact me!!!
Our church is taking a lot of bold steps in the coming months, so keep out congregation in your prayers. Particularly our church leadership, who will bear the brunt of any missteps.
All right gang, I really do need to get my hiney in gear. I just wanted to check in and say hi!
I totally got the whole "I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for an important date!" vibe going on for me this morning. So of course I stop to write a blog post. I just have so much I need to do today, so many projects that I need to start (some of which have been back-burnered for far too long), that I've felt like I'm late since shortly after waking up. I'm not to the point where I'm anxious about it and need a Xanax or anything, which is good, but I do need to get it under control.
None of these things absolutely have to get done today, but several of them do need to be done soon. For one thing, my office is slowly spiraling out of control again, and I need to reign it in before it gets out of hand. Partly because it just needs it, and partly because some of the other work and projects in the queue will require the use of my desk which is full of plants and assorted junk at the moment.
I put off taking down my Christmas tree a bit long than I normally do since I put it up so late, and I really need to get it torn down and put away. I love looking at it, but the longer it is up, the more nicotine and dust there is on the ornaments, and there's just not a good way to clean them. I just wish I could throw it in a bag, ornaments and all, and have it ready to go in 5 seconds a la the Grinch. Taking all the ornaments off the tree and packing them away does afford me the opportunity to admire some of my favorites one last time before next Christmas though, so I'm sort of looking forward to it.
I've also got to get my butt in gear on having my records transferred so my transition to a new set of doctors goes smoothly. I have an appointment with my new GP in a few weeks, and I need to make sure I have all my ducks in a row. Mostly just so there's no interruption in my medications.
Add to that a few projects that are "due" in the coming weeks that I at least need to begin, and I've got a pretty full calendar! I've signed up to lead Bible study on the 27th of this month, so I have to get my lesson going. I also signed up to cover the Communion meditation for out February contemporary service. I know where I want to go with that, so it's just a matter of getting my references in order and getting it all written out.
I've joined a few teams at church, and while I'm excited for the possibilities it affords me, I do want to do my part effectively so it's important to me that I start off on the right foot and not feel like I'm a step behind from the get-go.
Speaking of which, we're exploring starting a gospel choir at church, and one of the first tasks is to find a "director" of one sort or another to lead us. If anyone has any leads (or interest) to help point us in the right direction, please contact me!!!
Our church is taking a lot of bold steps in the coming months, so keep out congregation in your prayers. Particularly our church leadership, who will bear the brunt of any missteps.
All right gang, I really do need to get my hiney in gear. I just wanted to check in and say hi!
December 20, 2009
problem solved
December 9, 2009 5:20am
I wish that I knew why I am always so tired lately. I fell asleep in my recliner after dinner again yesterday, something that’s been happening more frequently as of late. I feel bad about yesterday in particular because Cody was trying to wake me up before he left for a meeting and I snapped at him pretty badly. He was a sweetheart and let me fall asleep for a little while, and was just trying to make sure that I didn’t sleep so long that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at bedtime. I’m not a pleasant person when I’m woken up, and I’m having a hard time being woken up lately, so the combination of the two made me pretty mean yesterday. He was just being sweet and trying to talk to me in a nice way to ease me back to reality, but all I knew was someone was in my face talking non-stop and driving me insane, so I snapped at him. And then proceeded to sleep for another hour.
I just can’t seem to shake this funk off for some reason. I have a few hours here and there where I’m fine and mostly don’t think about it. But as soon as the entertainment is over, or we come home, or whatever, I’m right back in this pit. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t even want to put up the Christmas tree this year or decorate at all. I kept saying, “This weekend” and it would inevitably be moved to “Next weekend”. On top of whatever is causing me to feel this way and lack motivation, the feelings of guilt and worthlessness compound to make it even worse. So, since I haven’t been able to bring myself to care about it, I’ll just intentionally not decorate so that instead of feeling guilty and wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I can just go about my life. That will at least relieve some of the pressure I hope.
I know that there’s a possibility that I’ll really regret not having a tree up if I start to feel better. I just don’t really see that as being enough of a possibility right now for it to motivate me into action. I really and truly do not care if we don’t have Christmas in this house this year. I still want to celebrate “real” Christmas, and remember why we celebrate and rejoice over the birth of Christ. I’m just so ambivalent about the rest of the trappings that I’d rather skip it all together.
I wish that I knew why I am always so tired lately. I fell asleep in my recliner after dinner again yesterday, something that’s been happening more frequently as of late. I feel bad about yesterday in particular because Cody was trying to wake me up before he left for a meeting and I snapped at him pretty badly. He was a sweetheart and let me fall asleep for a little while, and was just trying to make sure that I didn’t sleep so long that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at bedtime. I’m not a pleasant person when I’m woken up, and I’m having a hard time being woken up lately, so the combination of the two made me pretty mean yesterday. He was just being sweet and trying to talk to me in a nice way to ease me back to reality, but all I knew was someone was in my face talking non-stop and driving me insane, so I snapped at him. And then proceeded to sleep for another hour.
I just can’t seem to shake this funk off for some reason. I have a few hours here and there where I’m fine and mostly don’t think about it. But as soon as the entertainment is over, or we come home, or whatever, I’m right back in this pit. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t even want to put up the Christmas tree this year or decorate at all. I kept saying, “This weekend” and it would inevitably be moved to “Next weekend”. On top of whatever is causing me to feel this way and lack motivation, the feelings of guilt and worthlessness compound to make it even worse. So, since I haven’t been able to bring myself to care about it, I’ll just intentionally not decorate so that instead of feeling guilty and wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I can just go about my life. That will at least relieve some of the pressure I hope.
I know that there’s a possibility that I’ll really regret not having a tree up if I start to feel better. I just don’t really see that as being enough of a possibility right now for it to motivate me into action. I really and truly do not care if we don’t have Christmas in this house this year. I still want to celebrate “real” Christmas, and remember why we celebrate and rejoice over the birth of Christ. I’m just so ambivalent about the rest of the trappings that I’d rather skip it all together.
December 19, 2009
they really do hiss
December 7, 2009 7:40am
Oh are my sinuses driving me crazy this morning! My head feels like it’s swelled to the point of explosion! Hopefully this sinus pressure is not a harbinger of the day to come. Other than taking the truck in to be serviced at 9:30, I don’t really have any plans. Cody has a doctors appointment this morning, and then he’ll be heading off to work at the clothes bank at church, which means I’ll be spending the majority of the day alone.
I’m not too concerned about this morning, as I will have my DS to keep me company at the dealership while the truck is being worked on. I remembered to grab my ear buds and put them on the counter so that I won’t have to listen to Faux News while I’m playing Sudoku, too. While I’m not a fan of that channel, I’d be just as irritated if they turned it to any other politically slanted news channel. There is no reason for the dealership to set the channel to something that slants in either direction. Local news, the Today show, hell The Food Network, would be better suited for that type of environment.
All things considered, I had a pretty nice weekend. Cody and I finally went out for his birthday dinner on Friday night. He decided on Bahama Breeze, so twisting my arm was definitely not necessary. We had a nice meal, and managed to settle for only two appetizers instead of the usual three this time, which saved me almost $10, so that was a plus. That money was then spent anyway, and then some, since we stopped at TJ Maxx after dinner.
Saturday didn’t start out so hot for me. I was a little down, and we had to clip Vanilla’s nails, which required tranquilizers. I don’t like giving the dogs medications if I can help it, but holding that dog while Cody clips her nails is like wrestling an alligator. She is solid muscle, and way stronger and more flexible than I am. We waited over an hour to clip her nails, and even though she was only a little clumsy, we thought they would start to wear off and forged ahead. That dog scratched me pretty good a couple of times, but we finally managed to get them taken care of. I felt horrible, as she was so obviously scared out of her mind and I had her pinned down in various positions. I felt horrible afterwards and did my best to make up with her, and then I realized that the drugs were really starting to kick in. I felt awful, because she looked frightened as all get out. You can’t explain to dogs and small children what’s happening to them in those situations. All they know is they feel very wrong and can’t do what they usually can. They don’t know why their legs don’t work like they’re supposed to. It tears me up to watch her go through that, so I was babying her quite a bit and trying to soothe her so she could just fall asleep and let the drugs run their course. On top of that, Cody and I realized we had put that dog through hell unnecessarily, as we could have just waited another 45 minutes or so and had a much easier time. She still wouldn’t have wanted us to do it, but at least we wouldn’t have had to be as forceful with her.
I was starting to feel a bit sleepy, and since neither of us wanted to leave the dog alone, I suggested a little 30 minute nap. I should have known better. I’m not sure if I get sleepy when I’m depressed, or if taking naps makes it worse, but when I’m having a bad day, all I want to do is sleep. The only problem is sleeping tends to make it worse, as I can’t seem to force myself to get out of bed, and then my feeling of lazy uselessness starts to creep in and compound the problem. Needless to say, by the time Cody managed to get me out of bed, I was pretty far gone.
Never fear though, cause I had the perfect solution: Chipotle and Target! We headed out for dinner at one of our favorite spots for some yummy burritos, and then after a couple of quick stops at nearby pet stores for aquarium stuff, we headed to Target. We had some household stuff to pick up, and I wanted to look at all the Christmas stuff to try and shake myself out of my funk. It seemed to do the trick, for that night at least, and my happiness was compounded when we stumbled upon Superman briefs! You know we had to buy them. We need more underwear like we need holes in our heads, but these weren’t optional. I had been looking for these for ages, but they don’t tend to make underwear like this in adult sizes. While they’re not the exact pair I would want, they were close enough to be a mandatory expense for the both of us.
We then headed off to the other side of town to meet up with R and J at Truffles for desert. I love Truffles, but it’s such an expensive place! Thankfully, R and J usually insist on treating us when they invite us. Between genuinely enjoying taking their friends out for dinner/desert and such, and knowing we have a hard time justifying that kind of money for a slice of cake or whatever we order, our paying when we go there is usually not an option.
Sunday morning was definitely a treat. Cody had already let the cat out of the bag that he had decided to become an “official” member of the church, but there were several people that still didn’t know. Including our Pastor, who did a double take when he saw him heading for the front of the sanctuary at the end of the service. I was overjoyed, and my friends at church knew it. I could never have imagined how quickly and fully Cody would be comfortable and active in the church when I started going about 7 or 8 months ago. A lot of people who have gotten to know me since I started attending know that I have always gone out of my way to make sure Cody didn’t feel pressured to attend or participate in any way, so the fact that he is now more active in the programs at church than I am, particularly the outreach programs, is overwhelming to me and they all knew it.
We then had a nice lunch a couple blocks up the street with a small group of friends from church, which was an especially nice treat, as our friend R decided to treat Cody and I along with a couple of other friends. After eating, we headed downtown to University Circle to check out CircleFest, which was a neat little holiday festival put on by the businesses, museums and such in the area. We saw a large display of Christmas trees that had been decorated by local businesses, which was really cool, and then headed to the Botanical Gardens for a quick little walk through.
I stopped to take a picture of a little case full of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches, which are admittedly a little gross, but they were behind glass. A young lady came up and asked if I would like to take a better picture and held out her hand, in which there was a cockroach. Now, these things are huge and creepy, but I just assumed this was an employee of the Gardens since she was carrying it around to show people. Turns out it was just a young lady who had found one creeping around and was being kind enough to walk it to an employee who could make sure it didn’t get trampled. Somehow or other, this girl got spooked and jumped, which may or may not have been instigated by my Pastor, and the cockroach went flying and landed at our feet. I was certainly startled by the young lady’s shriek, but didn’t panic. Then someone pointed out the cockroach was headed for my foot. I looked down, and this little fucker was making a bee-line right for my boot and I absolutely lost it. I shrieked a couple of times like a little 8 year old girl and went running and hopping to the other side of the crowd. Everyone was delighted with my performance, and a few people were kind enough to try to get me to repeat it by suggesting I may have a bug on me at various points during our little excursion.
Thank God it’s time to get ready to go take my truck in. I need a shower twice as bad after remembering that story!!!
Oh are my sinuses driving me crazy this morning! My head feels like it’s swelled to the point of explosion! Hopefully this sinus pressure is not a harbinger of the day to come. Other than taking the truck in to be serviced at 9:30, I don’t really have any plans. Cody has a doctors appointment this morning, and then he’ll be heading off to work at the clothes bank at church, which means I’ll be spending the majority of the day alone.
I’m not too concerned about this morning, as I will have my DS to keep me company at the dealership while the truck is being worked on. I remembered to grab my ear buds and put them on the counter so that I won’t have to listen to Faux News while I’m playing Sudoku, too. While I’m not a fan of that channel, I’d be just as irritated if they turned it to any other politically slanted news channel. There is no reason for the dealership to set the channel to something that slants in either direction. Local news, the Today show, hell The Food Network, would be better suited for that type of environment.
All things considered, I had a pretty nice weekend. Cody and I finally went out for his birthday dinner on Friday night. He decided on Bahama Breeze, so twisting my arm was definitely not necessary. We had a nice meal, and managed to settle for only two appetizers instead of the usual three this time, which saved me almost $10, so that was a plus. That money was then spent anyway, and then some, since we stopped at TJ Maxx after dinner.
Saturday didn’t start out so hot for me. I was a little down, and we had to clip Vanilla’s nails, which required tranquilizers. I don’t like giving the dogs medications if I can help it, but holding that dog while Cody clips her nails is like wrestling an alligator. She is solid muscle, and way stronger and more flexible than I am. We waited over an hour to clip her nails, and even though she was only a little clumsy, we thought they would start to wear off and forged ahead. That dog scratched me pretty good a couple of times, but we finally managed to get them taken care of. I felt horrible, as she was so obviously scared out of her mind and I had her pinned down in various positions. I felt horrible afterwards and did my best to make up with her, and then I realized that the drugs were really starting to kick in. I felt awful, because she looked frightened as all get out. You can’t explain to dogs and small children what’s happening to them in those situations. All they know is they feel very wrong and can’t do what they usually can. They don’t know why their legs don’t work like they’re supposed to. It tears me up to watch her go through that, so I was babying her quite a bit and trying to soothe her so she could just fall asleep and let the drugs run their course. On top of that, Cody and I realized we had put that dog through hell unnecessarily, as we could have just waited another 45 minutes or so and had a much easier time. She still wouldn’t have wanted us to do it, but at least we wouldn’t have had to be as forceful with her.
I was starting to feel a bit sleepy, and since neither of us wanted to leave the dog alone, I suggested a little 30 minute nap. I should have known better. I’m not sure if I get sleepy when I’m depressed, or if taking naps makes it worse, but when I’m having a bad day, all I want to do is sleep. The only problem is sleeping tends to make it worse, as I can’t seem to force myself to get out of bed, and then my feeling of lazy uselessness starts to creep in and compound the problem. Needless to say, by the time Cody managed to get me out of bed, I was pretty far gone.
Never fear though, cause I had the perfect solution: Chipotle and Target! We headed out for dinner at one of our favorite spots for some yummy burritos, and then after a couple of quick stops at nearby pet stores for aquarium stuff, we headed to Target. We had some household stuff to pick up, and I wanted to look at all the Christmas stuff to try and shake myself out of my funk. It seemed to do the trick, for that night at least, and my happiness was compounded when we stumbled upon Superman briefs! You know we had to buy them. We need more underwear like we need holes in our heads, but these weren’t optional. I had been looking for these for ages, but they don’t tend to make underwear like this in adult sizes. While they’re not the exact pair I would want, they were close enough to be a mandatory expense for the both of us.
We then headed off to the other side of town to meet up with R and J at Truffles for desert. I love Truffles, but it’s such an expensive place! Thankfully, R and J usually insist on treating us when they invite us. Between genuinely enjoying taking their friends out for dinner/desert and such, and knowing we have a hard time justifying that kind of money for a slice of cake or whatever we order, our paying when we go there is usually not an option.
Sunday morning was definitely a treat. Cody had already let the cat out of the bag that he had decided to become an “official” member of the church, but there were several people that still didn’t know. Including our Pastor, who did a double take when he saw him heading for the front of the sanctuary at the end of the service. I was overjoyed, and my friends at church knew it. I could never have imagined how quickly and fully Cody would be comfortable and active in the church when I started going about 7 or 8 months ago. A lot of people who have gotten to know me since I started attending know that I have always gone out of my way to make sure Cody didn’t feel pressured to attend or participate in any way, so the fact that he is now more active in the programs at church than I am, particularly the outreach programs, is overwhelming to me and they all knew it.
We then had a nice lunch a couple blocks up the street with a small group of friends from church, which was an especially nice treat, as our friend R decided to treat Cody and I along with a couple of other friends. After eating, we headed downtown to University Circle to check out CircleFest, which was a neat little holiday festival put on by the businesses, museums and such in the area. We saw a large display of Christmas trees that had been decorated by local businesses, which was really cool, and then headed to the Botanical Gardens for a quick little walk through.
I stopped to take a picture of a little case full of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches, which are admittedly a little gross, but they were behind glass. A young lady came up and asked if I would like to take a better picture and held out her hand, in which there was a cockroach. Now, these things are huge and creepy, but I just assumed this was an employee of the Gardens since she was carrying it around to show people. Turns out it was just a young lady who had found one creeping around and was being kind enough to walk it to an employee who could make sure it didn’t get trampled. Somehow or other, this girl got spooked and jumped, which may or may not have been instigated by my Pastor, and the cockroach went flying and landed at our feet. I was certainly startled by the young lady’s shriek, but didn’t panic. Then someone pointed out the cockroach was headed for my foot. I looked down, and this little fucker was making a bee-line right for my boot and I absolutely lost it. I shrieked a couple of times like a little 8 year old girl and went running and hopping to the other side of the crowd. Everyone was delighted with my performance, and a few people were kind enough to try to get me to repeat it by suggesting I may have a bug on me at various points during our little excursion.
Thank God it’s time to get ready to go take my truck in. I need a shower twice as bad after remembering that story!!!
December 18, 2009
circle of ick
December 6, 2009 9:00am
If I make myself vulnerable to someone, and it doesn’t help, then what happens? I realize that if I don’t open up to someone at some point, I may never really get better. But at the same time, I’m scared shitless, because I really can’t stand the thought of being vulnerable.
On one hand I need to be able to open up to Cody and Pastor and ______, because they have offered to try to help the best way they know how, but if I don’t let them in, they can’t possibly help. Then there are “normal” relationships. People like R and J and Bethany and K and Pete. How do I know how much to let them in without risking being wounded? How do I really know what is good and right to tell them and what isn’t. The more vulnerable I am, the more scared and anxious I am, which makes me want to close myself off even more and shut down even more, and it turns into this whole self-defeating circle of ick.
I don’t know where to go from here. I talked to Cody on Friday night on the way to dinner about how I have been feeling lately, and how it seems like I’ve had a significant number of “down” days compared to before I started the meds. He told me that overall, he sees me on a more even keel. Not 24/7, but significantly more often apparently. I told him that while I appreciate his feedback, and I understand that I should be happy that my moods aren’t all on one solid line due to some zombie-like meds I would sooner die than take, I also don’t want the range of emotions I’m able to experience to always be tinged or colored with depression and melancholy.
I shared with him my disappointment at not being able to see my regular doctor like I was supposed to, because I truly felt and still feel that he would have and should have increased the dosage of my Zoloft.
I’m on a fairly low dose, based on the average dose, granted, but I know that I was great when I started the meds, but have since plateaued in some ways and am even depressed quite a bit. I told Cody that it sucks because I don’t know if I’m experiencing depression that I normally would or if it is a side-effect of the meds and/or the dosage I’m on.
I know from previous experience that depression and suicidal thoughts can be a side effect of these types of meds, particularly when ramping up or down at the beginning and end of taking them. My thought is that it is possible that since I’m on a lower dosage of this medication, I may actually be experiencing a side effect rather than an honest to goodness real depression. Depression sucks the life right the fuck out of me, and I can’t stand it regardless of why it is happening. So if I’m actually causing myself to feel this way by taking a pill every night with my dinner, I sure as hell want to nip that in the bud, and quick.
Here it is the second week of December, and I don’t have a Christmas tree up yet. I’ve had good intentions on several occasions to get my ass up into the attic and get it done, but as of yet those good intentions have gotten me no farther than the recliner in the living room.
Another example is my phone. I was finally given the go-ahead from Cody a week ago to order a new phone, as our contracts on the family plan had finally all come up. He and his brother both ordered their phones the day after Thanksgiving, and I waited to start looking on Sunday due to the sabbatical. Well, my phone has been shit for over a year, but I’ve held out waiting for Cody and J’s contract to expire so that we could end up on the same contract cycle. I’ve been bitching about this phone forever, and now that I finally had a chance to get a new one, where I should have jumped at the chance, I found myself so ambivalent to all the phones I saw online that it took me four days to work up enough energy to care about it and order a new one. I was thankfully able to recognize my ambivalence and share it with Cody, which is two kinda big steps for me, that’s actually a plus. I told him I didn’t want to spend that kind of money and be locked into a contract until I had all my wits about me, which he agreed was definitely a smart way to go. And then the fact that I was able to not only recognize what was going on, but able and willing to tell him about it as well is something I’ve spent seven years trying to accomplish. I don’t know that this will be the norm, because I don’t think I’m going to change overnight and it would be crazy to have that kind of expectation, but I’m hoping it at least happens a little more often.
Gotta shave and shower for church. Headed off to try out CircleFest at University Circle afterwards with R and a bunch of people from church. I’m so taking a Xanax.
If I make myself vulnerable to someone, and it doesn’t help, then what happens? I realize that if I don’t open up to someone at some point, I may never really get better. But at the same time, I’m scared shitless, because I really can’t stand the thought of being vulnerable.
On one hand I need to be able to open up to Cody and Pastor and ______, because they have offered to try to help the best way they know how, but if I don’t let them in, they can’t possibly help. Then there are “normal” relationships. People like R and J and Bethany and K and Pete. How do I know how much to let them in without risking being wounded? How do I really know what is good and right to tell them and what isn’t. The more vulnerable I am, the more scared and anxious I am, which makes me want to close myself off even more and shut down even more, and it turns into this whole self-defeating circle of ick.
I don’t know where to go from here. I talked to Cody on Friday night on the way to dinner about how I have been feeling lately, and how it seems like I’ve had a significant number of “down” days compared to before I started the meds. He told me that overall, he sees me on a more even keel. Not 24/7, but significantly more often apparently. I told him that while I appreciate his feedback, and I understand that I should be happy that my moods aren’t all on one solid line due to some zombie-like meds I would sooner die than take, I also don’t want the range of emotions I’m able to experience to always be tinged or colored with depression and melancholy.
I shared with him my disappointment at not being able to see my regular doctor like I was supposed to, because I truly felt and still feel that he would have and should have increased the dosage of my Zoloft.
I’m on a fairly low dose, based on the average dose, granted, but I know that I was great when I started the meds, but have since plateaued in some ways and am even depressed quite a bit. I told Cody that it sucks because I don’t know if I’m experiencing depression that I normally would or if it is a side-effect of the meds and/or the dosage I’m on.
I know from previous experience that depression and suicidal thoughts can be a side effect of these types of meds, particularly when ramping up or down at the beginning and end of taking them. My thought is that it is possible that since I’m on a lower dosage of this medication, I may actually be experiencing a side effect rather than an honest to goodness real depression. Depression sucks the life right the fuck out of me, and I can’t stand it regardless of why it is happening. So if I’m actually causing myself to feel this way by taking a pill every night with my dinner, I sure as hell want to nip that in the bud, and quick.
Here it is the second week of December, and I don’t have a Christmas tree up yet. I’ve had good intentions on several occasions to get my ass up into the attic and get it done, but as of yet those good intentions have gotten me no farther than the recliner in the living room.
Another example is my phone. I was finally given the go-ahead from Cody a week ago to order a new phone, as our contracts on the family plan had finally all come up. He and his brother both ordered their phones the day after Thanksgiving, and I waited to start looking on Sunday due to the sabbatical. Well, my phone has been shit for over a year, but I’ve held out waiting for Cody and J’s contract to expire so that we could end up on the same contract cycle. I’ve been bitching about this phone forever, and now that I finally had a chance to get a new one, where I should have jumped at the chance, I found myself so ambivalent to all the phones I saw online that it took me four days to work up enough energy to care about it and order a new one. I was thankfully able to recognize my ambivalence and share it with Cody, which is two kinda big steps for me, that’s actually a plus. I told him I didn’t want to spend that kind of money and be locked into a contract until I had all my wits about me, which he agreed was definitely a smart way to go. And then the fact that I was able to not only recognize what was going on, but able and willing to tell him about it as well is something I’ve spent seven years trying to accomplish. I don’t know that this will be the norm, because I don’t think I’m going to change overnight and it would be crazy to have that kind of expectation, but I’m hoping it at least happens a little more often.
Gotta shave and shower for church. Headed off to try out CircleFest at University Circle afterwards with R and a bunch of people from church. I’m so taking a Xanax.
December 17, 2009
bittersweet
November 29, 2009 8:00am
Well that took me long enough! I just spent the last 45 minutes going back and reading all the e-mails I’ve gotten over the last three weeks that I had been avoiding as part of my sabbatical. I have been reading personal e-mails and things that seemed time-sensitive, but all the forwards and jokes have been sitting in a folder waiting for today. I got a few chuckles, but overall, I really didn’t miss much. Although I did come across an e-mail from Smokey Bones, my favorite rib joint, that included a coupon for all-you-can-eat ribs for $15.99 that unfortunately expired last Wednesday. I wasn’t too happy about that.
Last night went better than expected. Cody and I had the opportunity for some much needed quiet time that evolved into a long overdue bit of mischief, which sufficiently exhausted me enough to allow me to fall asleep at a decent hour. I was concerned that sleeping so late yesterday would throw my sleep schedule way off, but I managed to get somewhat back on track. I have tomorrow off since I’ll be back in the lab again at work, so I’ve got one more day to try and get back into the old routine.
Where did I leave off last night? Oh yes, waking up (rather late) at B and D’s house in BG. The morning was nice and slow, and uneventful enough that I was able to wake up and regain some semblance of coherence in relatively short order despite the unfamiliar lack of routine. We were all just sort of hanging out and chatting while everyone took turns taking showers and getting ready. I didn’t really feel comfortable taking a shower in such an expansive shower with no door or curtain considering all the people that were in the house at the time, and I really just needed a quick refresher since I had been in the hot tub the previous night so I just hopped in the shower down in the basement bathroom.
After a light lunch, we all hopped into three different cars and caravanned to Bellevue so B and his brother and sister could lay grave blankets on their mother and fathers grave, as well as their step-fathers. Then it was off to Sandusky, where B generously treated us all to dinner at Damon’s. It’s always difficult to have dinner with that many people, since you don’t really get to talk to everyone and it seems the table gets kind of split up conversationally, but we had a really good time (and some pretty good food, too).
After dinner, we all took a walk out on the pier overlooking Cedar Point and Sandusky Bay, but it was a bit too cold and windy to stay out there too long. Alas, our visit had to end there in the parking lot, so we said our goodbyes and headed back home. It really was a lovely visit, despite the fact that it was just too short.
Now it’s time to get ready for church and start to sink back into the real world again. Cody is going to help me get the Christmas decorations out of the attic when we get home this afternoon, and hopefully I’ll be able to get the majority of the decorating done today. If the sun stays out I may run outside to rake up the leaves that are piling up in the corners of the yard and patio before it rains again unless I can somehow convince Cody to do it. With any luck, I'll have all the decorations up and the boxes back in the attic before my doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon.
Some time today and tomorrow I need to spend a little time online trying to catch up a little on what I’ve missed these past three weeks, though I’ll probably put off logging back in on facebook until late tomorrow afternoon. It’s sort of bittersweet to go back online again, as I’ve enjoyed my quiet time the last few weeks, but I really do miss the interaction with all my friends and family quite a bit. Hopefully, in addition to everything else I’ve accomplished with this sabbatical, I’ll be able to take from it enough new-found respect for both ends of the spectrum that I’ll keep a more balanced amount of time free for both.
On top of all of that, I need to decided which parts of my journal and journey to share on my blog and get that copied and pasted. Then there’s the editing. Some names will need changed to protect the guilty, and I’ll have to make sure nothing too risqué ends up being posted. Not that I’ve been keeping a sex journal, but I don’t think that my friends and family really need to know how often Cody and I are intimate or my thoughts on it.
The good news is, I’m now finally able to get a new phone, and since my sabbatical is over and we finally got a wireless router hooked up, I’ll not only be able to use the laptop downstairs, I’m going to be able to shop online for a new phone! Since I intend to try to keep up with this journal even after the sabbatical, I’m hoping to be able to get the docking station for the laptop hooked up to my computer so that I can write even when I’m not in my office without having to mess around with a flash drive and all that jazz.
Well, I have more stuff to do before I get ready for church, so I really need to wrap this up. This pretty much marks the end of my “Sabbatical Journal”, so everything from this point on is just my normal, boring and unstable existence.
Well that took me long enough! I just spent the last 45 minutes going back and reading all the e-mails I’ve gotten over the last three weeks that I had been avoiding as part of my sabbatical. I have been reading personal e-mails and things that seemed time-sensitive, but all the forwards and jokes have been sitting in a folder waiting for today. I got a few chuckles, but overall, I really didn’t miss much. Although I did come across an e-mail from Smokey Bones, my favorite rib joint, that included a coupon for all-you-can-eat ribs for $15.99 that unfortunately expired last Wednesday. I wasn’t too happy about that.
Last night went better than expected. Cody and I had the opportunity for some much needed quiet time that evolved into a long overdue bit of mischief, which sufficiently exhausted me enough to allow me to fall asleep at a decent hour. I was concerned that sleeping so late yesterday would throw my sleep schedule way off, but I managed to get somewhat back on track. I have tomorrow off since I’ll be back in the lab again at work, so I’ve got one more day to try and get back into the old routine.
Where did I leave off last night? Oh yes, waking up (rather late) at B and D’s house in BG. The morning was nice and slow, and uneventful enough that I was able to wake up and regain some semblance of coherence in relatively short order despite the unfamiliar lack of routine. We were all just sort of hanging out and chatting while everyone took turns taking showers and getting ready. I didn’t really feel comfortable taking a shower in such an expansive shower with no door or curtain considering all the people that were in the house at the time, and I really just needed a quick refresher since I had been in the hot tub the previous night so I just hopped in the shower down in the basement bathroom.
After a light lunch, we all hopped into three different cars and caravanned to Bellevue so B and his brother and sister could lay grave blankets on their mother and fathers grave, as well as their step-fathers. Then it was off to Sandusky, where B generously treated us all to dinner at Damon’s. It’s always difficult to have dinner with that many people, since you don’t really get to talk to everyone and it seems the table gets kind of split up conversationally, but we had a really good time (and some pretty good food, too).
After dinner, we all took a walk out on the pier overlooking Cedar Point and Sandusky Bay, but it was a bit too cold and windy to stay out there too long. Alas, our visit had to end there in the parking lot, so we said our goodbyes and headed back home. It really was a lovely visit, despite the fact that it was just too short.
Now it’s time to get ready for church and start to sink back into the real world again. Cody is going to help me get the Christmas decorations out of the attic when we get home this afternoon, and hopefully I’ll be able to get the majority of the decorating done today. If the sun stays out I may run outside to rake up the leaves that are piling up in the corners of the yard and patio before it rains again unless I can somehow convince Cody to do it. With any luck, I'll have all the decorations up and the boxes back in the attic before my doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon.
Some time today and tomorrow I need to spend a little time online trying to catch up a little on what I’ve missed these past three weeks, though I’ll probably put off logging back in on facebook until late tomorrow afternoon. It’s sort of bittersweet to go back online again, as I’ve enjoyed my quiet time the last few weeks, but I really do miss the interaction with all my friends and family quite a bit. Hopefully, in addition to everything else I’ve accomplished with this sabbatical, I’ll be able to take from it enough new-found respect for both ends of the spectrum that I’ll keep a more balanced amount of time free for both.
On top of all of that, I need to decided which parts of my journal and journey to share on my blog and get that copied and pasted. Then there’s the editing. Some names will need changed to protect the guilty, and I’ll have to make sure nothing too risqué ends up being posted. Not that I’ve been keeping a sex journal, but I don’t think that my friends and family really need to know how often Cody and I are intimate or my thoughts on it.
The good news is, I’m now finally able to get a new phone, and since my sabbatical is over and we finally got a wireless router hooked up, I’ll not only be able to use the laptop downstairs, I’m going to be able to shop online for a new phone! Since I intend to try to keep up with this journal even after the sabbatical, I’m hoping to be able to get the docking station for the laptop hooked up to my computer so that I can write even when I’m not in my office without having to mess around with a flash drive and all that jazz.
Well, I have more stuff to do before I get ready for church, so I really need to wrap this up. This pretty much marks the end of my “Sabbatical Journal”, so everything from this point on is just my normal, boring and unstable existence.
December 16, 2009
a lot to be thankful for
November 28, 2009 7:30pm
Wow! What an awesome weekend I’ve had so far! Before I get into any of that, I have to write out an experience that I had this morning before I forget it. It was very cool, and I want to be able to look back and remember it.
I was standing outside in front B and D’s garage this morning, having a cigarette with J, and he made a comment about all the birds roosted in the top of a large tree across the street. There were hundreds of birds in this tree, and the cacophony of voices was almost overwhelming. Luckily, they were far enough away that they weren’t too distracting or annoying, but it really was a sight to behold.
As J and I continued to talk about whatever, we were both struck by an instantaneous and eerie silence. At the exact same moment, every bird stopped their singing/tweeting/complaining completely and took flight. It was like someone had hit the pause button on nature’s soundtrack. J and I stood awestruck at the sight of such a large flock of birds taking flight at the same time, and commented on how remarkably silent it was after all the noise the birds had been making previously. I was astounded.
Then I was scared.
Hundreds of birds flying overhead tends to make me nervous that I’m going to be shit on, so we quickly ducked under an overhang to protect ourselves, just in case. They were in the air for less than 90 seconds, and then they all went back to the same tree and resumed their noisemaking.
At any rate, I just thought that was really cool and worth remembering. As far as the rest of the weekend, it was much like that moment. Something I’ll want to remember for a long time to come. Even if I couldn’t think of a thing to be thankful for on Thursday morning, that certainly isn’t the case now, on Saturday night.
The community meal at church was absolutely incredible. We actually got there about half an hour later than we were supposed to, but it didn’t turn out to be a big deal. Talk about a strong showing. There were actually too many volunteers! We got started setting up tables in the gym around 8:30, and I’m pretty sure we had the tables and chairs up, with tablecloths spread, all by 9:00. That was awesome. The only problem was, other than decorating and finishing up the meal, there really wasn’t anything else to do until 12:30, when we would have a quick little meeting to make sure everyone knew their job and what was going on before we opened the doors at 1:00.
Some volunteers left as they finished their prep-work in the kitchen, and others decided to leave and come back when it was actually time to serve. I don’t think 15 minutes went by without at least one volunteer walking in the door. It was incredible! So many people wanted to help. It was unfortunate that not everyone could help, but I was so happy to see that we had more people willing to help than the other way around.
Someone had a brilliant idea to have a few of the kids that were there draw “hand turkeys” on the tables for decorations (and to keep them busy). Before long all the kids and a handful of adults were drawing and coloring in turkeys and all sorts of other decorations on all the tables.
We then had a bit of a lull in activity while we waited for the real work to begin, so we were passing around newspapers and sales fliers and just sort of hanging out when we realized that the decorations on the tables were rubbing of on our skin and clothes. This was not good. We were about to have over 100 guests come in for a meal, and the decorations were going to stain their skin and clothes! The markers were apparently washable, even though the box didn’t indicate that fact. So while it was good that it was washing off of our hands and arms, it was bad that it wasn’t sticking to the plastic tablecloths and would ruin what could be some people’s only clothes.
Several ideas were tossed back and forth, including turning the tablecloths over. They were just the cheap disposable kind, so you could actually see the decorations through the other side, though not as well. The only problem was, the marker was rubbing off on the tables as well, and since the tables were white plastic, we were afraid that the heat and friction from the plates would “set” the mark into the tabletops permanently.
We even tried putting paper placemats under the tablecloths before flipping them over, but we didn’t have enough placemats to cover all the tables. Unfortunately, we had to wipe off all that hard work. The kids who did the majority of the work had already left with their parents, and we hoped that they weren’t planning to come back to help serve, as they would have been devastated. As it was, we were all pretty bummed too, because those kids did one heck of a job. Fortunately, our youth advisor had a camera on her phone and Cody was able to take pictures of most of the artwork before it was erased.
This whole fiasco wound up being a blessing in disguise, however, since we ended up with even more kids as the morning wore on. Armed with permanent markers this time around, we set them loose for a marathon of table decorating. Pretty much everyone helped this time around, and we all had a blast doing it. Luckily, the first group never did come back, so it turned out that all the kids who showed up throughout the course of the day were able to help out in a fun, but still very tangible way.
Once 12:30 rolled around though, it was time for our quick little organizational meeting, and then it was off to the races. We were actually able to get everyone into place and ready to go in time to open up the doors a bit early, and then it was non-stop action for over an hour. Some people were a bit antsy because there were so many volunteers that it didn’t seem like they all had enough to do at times, although I think those in charge did an absolutely excellent job of keeping everyone moving and assigning tasks, even while taking care of their own jobs.
I did get a bit of insight into how frustrating it can be when people who are trying to help can be a bit too pushy, but I don’t want to focus on that. It all got smoothed out and under control in short order anyway, so I’d rather focus on all the pleasant things that happened.
We were filling and sending plates out of the kitchen non-stop for about an hour and twenty minutes before it eventually slowed to a trickle, and that means a lot of mouths were fed on Thursday. That is an awesome thing to be a part of. If you’ve never helped out doing something like that, I highly recommend it.
I actually had a blast doing it, too! I got to work with a couple of people that I didn’t know very well before that, and they were both awesome. R is actually the partner of one of the guys Cody works with at the food bank, and he and I got along “famously” as they say. He’s a frickin’ riot, to be honest. He was going back and forth with me and the lady we were working with, who was actually the coordinator of the whole she-bang, which set both of us a little more at ease. She was stressed over making sure everything went well, and I was stressed over, well, that’s just what I do. So I think it’s great that R was standing where he was, as he set the tone for our side of the kitchen and made it possible for us to do our jobs with true joy and thanksgiving. Before I knew it, it was 3:00 and time for Cody and I to beat feet so we could make it to his mother’s in time for our own Thanksgiving dinner.
I really didn’t know what to expect going into this event on Thursday. I know people get a sense of satisfaction from doing those kinds of things, and I’ve experienced a similar feeling through volunteering in other capacities before. Yet I felt so overwhelmingly blessed to have been a part, no matter how small, and I think it is due in large part to those around me and their own attitudes of joy in service. I don’t know that I’ll help with the meals at church every month, but I’m certainly going to start doing it at least on occasion.
After two hours in a hot kitchen dishing up meals, dinner with Cody’s family was a breeze. Actually, we always have a good time with the rest of his family (as long as no one brings up politics), so that really wasn’t a surprise. By the time Cody and I got home though, we were thoroughly whooped!
Friday morning we just kind of putzed around the house for a bit and then it was off to Bowling Green to visit our friends. Bethany’s family were all staying at her parents house in BG, and they were kind enough to invite us up for the weekend as well. Having other engagements, we were only able to stay one night, but what a riot!
We got there shortly after 1:00 Friday afternoon, and it was non-stop fun from that point on. First, Bethany’s dad, B, gave us the grand tour of the house, and when I say “grand”, I mean GRAND. Not only is the house huge and beautiful, but B is one hell of a tour guide. We didn’t just get the simple little, “Here’s the bedroom. Here’s the other bedroom” kind of tour. He gave us the ins and outs of every room in the house, including all the architectural features and the more significant art and furniture pieces like where they bought it and what it was made of, etc.
The house is incredible, and I’ve never been in a home with that sort of layout, so it was very unique as well. The bathroom takes the cake though. When they bought the house, there was a full bath in the master suite, but they decided to add on and expand the bathroom and closet. I have never seen a bathroom like that in real life. If ever I could afford a room at a resort and spa, I imagine that is what the bathroom would look like. B was going over a lot of the features and why they chose them, and his attention to detail is just astounding. But we didn’t drive all the way to BG just to see their bathroom.
Once we were done with the tour, we headed down to the basement to play Wii with B, Bethany, J and his daughters, K and S. Okay, so Cody played Wii; I just watched. What seems like a mild-mannered and loving, if slightly sarcastic family quickly changes into something altogether different once you turn on the Wii, let me tell you. Everyone was talking smack like a professional, including the girls making some very hysterical smart-ass comments to B. It was a riot!
Then the real fun, for me at least, began. It was time to decorate the Christmas trees!!! (Yes, trees, plural; they have three. I wasn’t so jealous and envious of the bathroom as I was of their having more than one tree.) The kids were grumbling a bit about having to decorate, but I was having a blast. And since it wasn’t my tree, I felt free to not be such a perfectionist and just relaxed and hung ornaments wherever I found room until B declared us all finished. It really was a lot of fun.
We then went downstairs to play a bit more until it was time for dinner. And what a dinner it was. The whole dinner was fantastic, but honestly the ham loaf and sweet potatoes were out of this world. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that meatloaf is my favorite food group, but this ham loaf is almost tied for the top spot it was so good! And seeing as I had never had sweet potatoes that didn’t come out of a can before, having fresh ones for dinner was quite the treat.
As we were starting desert, including a cake for Bethany’s Uncle J to celebrate a birthday that had passed while he was away, Bethany’s mom noticed the birthday card that Bethany had given Cody. She asked me about it, and when I told her that it was indeed Cody’s birthday, she ran to find a card for him and put a candle in his slice of cheesecake. We all sang “Happy Birthday” a second time, and I think Cody was genuinely tickled.
A couple of years ago, Cody barely knew Bethany and was quite gracious in agreeing to go all the way to Cincinnati so we could visit and spend the night with one of my ex-girlfriends. Now, he realizes not only how much more she means to me, but her entire family have been so astronomically gracious and loving to both of us that he really is moved by their kindness when they include us in their plans and treat us like family.
After dinner and Pete’s arrival (finally!), we headed outside so Cody, Bethany and I could have a sit in the hot tub. It was really nice, though I couldn’t stay in for very long because the heat makes it hard for me to breathe after a while. I think the high point was definitely when Cody pulled his swimsuit out of the water. The look on Bethany’s face and the noises coming out of her mouth were priceless and set Cody into a fit of giggles I haven’t heard in quite some time.
By the time we all got dried off and changed out of our swimsuits, we were starting to wind down quite a bit. We chatted for a while and had these yummy breadstick/foldover/pizza thingies that apparently everyone in BG is addicted too because we were all apparently not yet stuffed full enough of food yet. When we got done, pretty much all of us had that “Why did I just eat that?” look on our faces.
A little more Wii, and then it was most definitely time for bed. Cody didn’t even make it that long. He crashed out on the couch about halfway into it. By the time Pete had to leave, we were all pretty much drained and went to our respective beds to crash. For some reason, my body decided to sleep until 10:00 this morning, and for an even more baffling reason, Cody decided to let it. I wasn’t very happy when he woke me up by saying, “It’s almost 10:00”, and given the fact that I’m not really a morning person anyway, I was kinda peeved when I woke up.
Seeing as there were eleven other people in the house besides us, I didn’t really have the luxury of being a grouch this morning. Since we had slept in the basement, that meant if I wanted a cigarette or a cup of coffee (when don’t I?), I needed to put on my happy face and walk upstairs to greet them all. All in all, it wasn’t so bad, but if I can’t sleep tonight because Cody let me sleep in too long, I think I might just have to toss and turn just enough to keep him up too….
Wow! What an awesome weekend I’ve had so far! Before I get into any of that, I have to write out an experience that I had this morning before I forget it. It was very cool, and I want to be able to look back and remember it.
I was standing outside in front B and D’s garage this morning, having a cigarette with J, and he made a comment about all the birds roosted in the top of a large tree across the street. There were hundreds of birds in this tree, and the cacophony of voices was almost overwhelming. Luckily, they were far enough away that they weren’t too distracting or annoying, but it really was a sight to behold.
As J and I continued to talk about whatever, we were both struck by an instantaneous and eerie silence. At the exact same moment, every bird stopped their singing/tweeting/complaining completely and took flight. It was like someone had hit the pause button on nature’s soundtrack. J and I stood awestruck at the sight of such a large flock of birds taking flight at the same time, and commented on how remarkably silent it was after all the noise the birds had been making previously. I was astounded.
Then I was scared.
Hundreds of birds flying overhead tends to make me nervous that I’m going to be shit on, so we quickly ducked under an overhang to protect ourselves, just in case. They were in the air for less than 90 seconds, and then they all went back to the same tree and resumed their noisemaking.
At any rate, I just thought that was really cool and worth remembering. As far as the rest of the weekend, it was much like that moment. Something I’ll want to remember for a long time to come. Even if I couldn’t think of a thing to be thankful for on Thursday morning, that certainly isn’t the case now, on Saturday night.
The community meal at church was absolutely incredible. We actually got there about half an hour later than we were supposed to, but it didn’t turn out to be a big deal. Talk about a strong showing. There were actually too many volunteers! We got started setting up tables in the gym around 8:30, and I’m pretty sure we had the tables and chairs up, with tablecloths spread, all by 9:00. That was awesome. The only problem was, other than decorating and finishing up the meal, there really wasn’t anything else to do until 12:30, when we would have a quick little meeting to make sure everyone knew their job and what was going on before we opened the doors at 1:00.
Some volunteers left as they finished their prep-work in the kitchen, and others decided to leave and come back when it was actually time to serve. I don’t think 15 minutes went by without at least one volunteer walking in the door. It was incredible! So many people wanted to help. It was unfortunate that not everyone could help, but I was so happy to see that we had more people willing to help than the other way around.
Someone had a brilliant idea to have a few of the kids that were there draw “hand turkeys” on the tables for decorations (and to keep them busy). Before long all the kids and a handful of adults were drawing and coloring in turkeys and all sorts of other decorations on all the tables.
We then had a bit of a lull in activity while we waited for the real work to begin, so we were passing around newspapers and sales fliers and just sort of hanging out when we realized that the decorations on the tables were rubbing of on our skin and clothes. This was not good. We were about to have over 100 guests come in for a meal, and the decorations were going to stain their skin and clothes! The markers were apparently washable, even though the box didn’t indicate that fact. So while it was good that it was washing off of our hands and arms, it was bad that it wasn’t sticking to the plastic tablecloths and would ruin what could be some people’s only clothes.
Several ideas were tossed back and forth, including turning the tablecloths over. They were just the cheap disposable kind, so you could actually see the decorations through the other side, though not as well. The only problem was, the marker was rubbing off on the tables as well, and since the tables were white plastic, we were afraid that the heat and friction from the plates would “set” the mark into the tabletops permanently.
We even tried putting paper placemats under the tablecloths before flipping them over, but we didn’t have enough placemats to cover all the tables. Unfortunately, we had to wipe off all that hard work. The kids who did the majority of the work had already left with their parents, and we hoped that they weren’t planning to come back to help serve, as they would have been devastated. As it was, we were all pretty bummed too, because those kids did one heck of a job. Fortunately, our youth advisor had a camera on her phone and Cody was able to take pictures of most of the artwork before it was erased.
This whole fiasco wound up being a blessing in disguise, however, since we ended up with even more kids as the morning wore on. Armed with permanent markers this time around, we set them loose for a marathon of table decorating. Pretty much everyone helped this time around, and we all had a blast doing it. Luckily, the first group never did come back, so it turned out that all the kids who showed up throughout the course of the day were able to help out in a fun, but still very tangible way.
Once 12:30 rolled around though, it was time for our quick little organizational meeting, and then it was off to the races. We were actually able to get everyone into place and ready to go in time to open up the doors a bit early, and then it was non-stop action for over an hour. Some people were a bit antsy because there were so many volunteers that it didn’t seem like they all had enough to do at times, although I think those in charge did an absolutely excellent job of keeping everyone moving and assigning tasks, even while taking care of their own jobs.
I did get a bit of insight into how frustrating it can be when people who are trying to help can be a bit too pushy, but I don’t want to focus on that. It all got smoothed out and under control in short order anyway, so I’d rather focus on all the pleasant things that happened.
We were filling and sending plates out of the kitchen non-stop for about an hour and twenty minutes before it eventually slowed to a trickle, and that means a lot of mouths were fed on Thursday. That is an awesome thing to be a part of. If you’ve never helped out doing something like that, I highly recommend it.
I actually had a blast doing it, too! I got to work with a couple of people that I didn’t know very well before that, and they were both awesome. R is actually the partner of one of the guys Cody works with at the food bank, and he and I got along “famously” as they say. He’s a frickin’ riot, to be honest. He was going back and forth with me and the lady we were working with, who was actually the coordinator of the whole she-bang, which set both of us a little more at ease. She was stressed over making sure everything went well, and I was stressed over, well, that’s just what I do. So I think it’s great that R was standing where he was, as he set the tone for our side of the kitchen and made it possible for us to do our jobs with true joy and thanksgiving. Before I knew it, it was 3:00 and time for Cody and I to beat feet so we could make it to his mother’s in time for our own Thanksgiving dinner.
I really didn’t know what to expect going into this event on Thursday. I know people get a sense of satisfaction from doing those kinds of things, and I’ve experienced a similar feeling through volunteering in other capacities before. Yet I felt so overwhelmingly blessed to have been a part, no matter how small, and I think it is due in large part to those around me and their own attitudes of joy in service. I don’t know that I’ll help with the meals at church every month, but I’m certainly going to start doing it at least on occasion.
After two hours in a hot kitchen dishing up meals, dinner with Cody’s family was a breeze. Actually, we always have a good time with the rest of his family (as long as no one brings up politics), so that really wasn’t a surprise. By the time Cody and I got home though, we were thoroughly whooped!
Friday morning we just kind of putzed around the house for a bit and then it was off to Bowling Green to visit our friends. Bethany’s family were all staying at her parents house in BG, and they were kind enough to invite us up for the weekend as well. Having other engagements, we were only able to stay one night, but what a riot!
We got there shortly after 1:00 Friday afternoon, and it was non-stop fun from that point on. First, Bethany’s dad, B, gave us the grand tour of the house, and when I say “grand”, I mean GRAND. Not only is the house huge and beautiful, but B is one hell of a tour guide. We didn’t just get the simple little, “Here’s the bedroom. Here’s the other bedroom” kind of tour. He gave us the ins and outs of every room in the house, including all the architectural features and the more significant art and furniture pieces like where they bought it and what it was made of, etc.
The house is incredible, and I’ve never been in a home with that sort of layout, so it was very unique as well. The bathroom takes the cake though. When they bought the house, there was a full bath in the master suite, but they decided to add on and expand the bathroom and closet. I have never seen a bathroom like that in real life. If ever I could afford a room at a resort and spa, I imagine that is what the bathroom would look like. B was going over a lot of the features and why they chose them, and his attention to detail is just astounding. But we didn’t drive all the way to BG just to see their bathroom.
Once we were done with the tour, we headed down to the basement to play Wii with B, Bethany, J and his daughters, K and S. Okay, so Cody played Wii; I just watched. What seems like a mild-mannered and loving, if slightly sarcastic family quickly changes into something altogether different once you turn on the Wii, let me tell you. Everyone was talking smack like a professional, including the girls making some very hysterical smart-ass comments to B. It was a riot!
Then the real fun, for me at least, began. It was time to decorate the Christmas trees!!! (Yes, trees, plural; they have three. I wasn’t so jealous and envious of the bathroom as I was of their having more than one tree.) The kids were grumbling a bit about having to decorate, but I was having a blast. And since it wasn’t my tree, I felt free to not be such a perfectionist and just relaxed and hung ornaments wherever I found room until B declared us all finished. It really was a lot of fun.
We then went downstairs to play a bit more until it was time for dinner. And what a dinner it was. The whole dinner was fantastic, but honestly the ham loaf and sweet potatoes were out of this world. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that meatloaf is my favorite food group, but this ham loaf is almost tied for the top spot it was so good! And seeing as I had never had sweet potatoes that didn’t come out of a can before, having fresh ones for dinner was quite the treat.
As we were starting desert, including a cake for Bethany’s Uncle J to celebrate a birthday that had passed while he was away, Bethany’s mom noticed the birthday card that Bethany had given Cody. She asked me about it, and when I told her that it was indeed Cody’s birthday, she ran to find a card for him and put a candle in his slice of cheesecake. We all sang “Happy Birthday” a second time, and I think Cody was genuinely tickled.
A couple of years ago, Cody barely knew Bethany and was quite gracious in agreeing to go all the way to Cincinnati so we could visit and spend the night with one of my ex-girlfriends. Now, he realizes not only how much more she means to me, but her entire family have been so astronomically gracious and loving to both of us that he really is moved by their kindness when they include us in their plans and treat us like family.
After dinner and Pete’s arrival (finally!), we headed outside so Cody, Bethany and I could have a sit in the hot tub. It was really nice, though I couldn’t stay in for very long because the heat makes it hard for me to breathe after a while. I think the high point was definitely when Cody pulled his swimsuit out of the water. The look on Bethany’s face and the noises coming out of her mouth were priceless and set Cody into a fit of giggles I haven’t heard in quite some time.
By the time we all got dried off and changed out of our swimsuits, we were starting to wind down quite a bit. We chatted for a while and had these yummy breadstick/foldover/pizza thingies that apparently everyone in BG is addicted too because we were all apparently not yet stuffed full enough of food yet. When we got done, pretty much all of us had that “Why did I just eat that?” look on our faces.
A little more Wii, and then it was most definitely time for bed. Cody didn’t even make it that long. He crashed out on the couch about halfway into it. By the time Pete had to leave, we were all pretty much drained and went to our respective beds to crash. For some reason, my body decided to sleep until 10:00 this morning, and for an even more baffling reason, Cody decided to let it. I wasn’t very happy when he woke me up by saying, “It’s almost 10:00”, and given the fact that I’m not really a morning person anyway, I was kinda peeved when I woke up.
Seeing as there were eleven other people in the house besides us, I didn’t really have the luxury of being a grouch this morning. Since we had slept in the basement, that meant if I wanted a cigarette or a cup of coffee (when don’t I?), I needed to put on my happy face and walk upstairs to greet them all. All in all, it wasn’t so bad, but if I can’t sleep tonight because Cody let me sleep in too long, I think I might just have to toss and turn just enough to keep him up too….
December 15, 2009
volunteering on xanax
November 26, 2009 6:50am
So I promised myself that I wouldn’t try to send myself on a guilt trip if I didn’t write in this journal on every day of my sabbatical. So far, I’ve done rather well at keeping that promise. Considering I haven’t written since Saturday, and it is now Thursday, I feel it’s safe to go on a little guilt trip. It’s not that I wanted to start the habit of journaling daily, although that is a goal I would like to achieve at some point, but I really did want to keep better track of my thoughts, actions and attitudes during this time period.
Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to write very much this morning, as Cody and I are headed off to our church within the next half hour to begin prepping for the community Thanksgiving Day meal that the church is hosting this afternoon. It appears that there is now an over-abundance of volunteers, but God forbid everyone should think that and no one show up. We’d much rather err on the side of too much help than not enough.
I’m excited to be able to help out with the prep work and setting up, but I’m hoping our volunteer coordinator(s) can find some behind-the-scenes work for me in the kitchen or elsewhere once they open the doors and people start to come in to eat. I’m just not comfortable enough with strangers to be able to interact with a multitude of them non-stop for a couple of hours straight. I do have a Xanax in pocket in case of emergency though. I will tell them my preference, but I won’t tell them “No” if asked to do something else.
We’re not even sure if they’ll need us at serving time, as that appears to be the time most of the volunteers have signed up for. So we are planning to be there until 3pm, but may end up leaving sooner if we aren’t needed for the entire time. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to stay and help with the clean up, as we’re headed off to Cody’s mom’s house at 5pm for dinner there. Ideally, I would have signed up for setup and prep, come home, and then returned in the afternoon to help with the cleanup. Since we have other commitments though, I’ll make the most of my time during the serving hours instead.
I have a feeling that I’ll have another backup there of the non-pharmaceutical persuasion though. I’m sure Pastor will be there for a large chunk of time, if not the whole day. While I know that he’ll be busy “being Pastor” with all those people there, I know that he knows me well enough to recognize that “deer-in-the-headlights” look I get when I’m overwhelmed or uncomfortable. I don’t expect him to swoop in and save me like Superman or anything, but he always seems to know when I need a word of encouragement, support, etc.
We’re headed to Bowling Green tomorrow, so I’m hoping to have a chance (and the energy!) to write some more tonight and/or tomorrow morning before we leave. We won’t be back home until at least late afternoon on Saturday, and this sabbatical is drawing to a close at the end of the weekend. I never really worked out the “rules” for when I would officially re-enter the 21st century, but I’ll probably sneak a peek on Sunday, provided I have the time. I won’t actually show up on facebook or anything like that until at least Monday, but I may take advantage of any free time Sunday to get a head-start on what I’m sure will be a lot of blog posts I’ve missed. A lot of the minor interest and/or news blogs will simply be a quick click of “mark all as read”, but there are others that I really do want to catch up on.
So I promised myself that I wouldn’t try to send myself on a guilt trip if I didn’t write in this journal on every day of my sabbatical. So far, I’ve done rather well at keeping that promise. Considering I haven’t written since Saturday, and it is now Thursday, I feel it’s safe to go on a little guilt trip. It’s not that I wanted to start the habit of journaling daily, although that is a goal I would like to achieve at some point, but I really did want to keep better track of my thoughts, actions and attitudes during this time period.
Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to write very much this morning, as Cody and I are headed off to our church within the next half hour to begin prepping for the community Thanksgiving Day meal that the church is hosting this afternoon. It appears that there is now an over-abundance of volunteers, but God forbid everyone should think that and no one show up. We’d much rather err on the side of too much help than not enough.
I’m excited to be able to help out with the prep work and setting up, but I’m hoping our volunteer coordinator(s) can find some behind-the-scenes work for me in the kitchen or elsewhere once they open the doors and people start to come in to eat. I’m just not comfortable enough with strangers to be able to interact with a multitude of them non-stop for a couple of hours straight. I do have a Xanax in pocket in case of emergency though. I will tell them my preference, but I won’t tell them “No” if asked to do something else.
We’re not even sure if they’ll need us at serving time, as that appears to be the time most of the volunteers have signed up for. So we are planning to be there until 3pm, but may end up leaving sooner if we aren’t needed for the entire time. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to stay and help with the clean up, as we’re headed off to Cody’s mom’s house at 5pm for dinner there. Ideally, I would have signed up for setup and prep, come home, and then returned in the afternoon to help with the cleanup. Since we have other commitments though, I’ll make the most of my time during the serving hours instead.
I have a feeling that I’ll have another backup there of the non-pharmaceutical persuasion though. I’m sure Pastor will be there for a large chunk of time, if not the whole day. While I know that he’ll be busy “being Pastor” with all those people there, I know that he knows me well enough to recognize that “deer-in-the-headlights” look I get when I’m overwhelmed or uncomfortable. I don’t expect him to swoop in and save me like Superman or anything, but he always seems to know when I need a word of encouragement, support, etc.
We’re headed to Bowling Green tomorrow, so I’m hoping to have a chance (and the energy!) to write some more tonight and/or tomorrow morning before we leave. We won’t be back home until at least late afternoon on Saturday, and this sabbatical is drawing to a close at the end of the weekend. I never really worked out the “rules” for when I would officially re-enter the 21st century, but I’ll probably sneak a peek on Sunday, provided I have the time. I won’t actually show up on facebook or anything like that until at least Monday, but I may take advantage of any free time Sunday to get a head-start on what I’m sure will be a lot of blog posts I’ve missed. A lot of the minor interest and/or news blogs will simply be a quick click of “mark all as read”, but there are others that I really do want to catch up on.
December 14, 2009
reflection of purpose
November 21, 2009 10:30am
As I was reading my Bible this morning, I came across a particular verse that I have been using to try to explain to some people the essence of what I’m trying to accomplish on this sabbatical. I could not remember the verse exactly, or where it came from, but I knew the gist of it and what it meant to me. To find it in my reading this morning was an absolute delight, as now I can point to it specifically and use it to better explain what I’m after here.
“The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” Luke 6:45
In the Amplified Bible, the verse ends such: “…for out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart his mouth speaks.”
While this is certainly isn’t the only reason I have decided to take a leave of absence from the majority of outside influences in my life, it is definitely one of the most important to me. One of the main themes running through all my reasons has to do with my reactions and how they affect not only me, but more importantly how they affect the people in my life. So for me to take some time to work on myself and the relationships with God and the people in my life, my reactions play a heavy role in the work that I’m trying to do. I don’t want to react in anger all the time. Lashing out is no longer an acceptable way of life for me. So a big part of what I’m doing during the course of this sabbatical involves a lot of time reading my Bible and studies/devotions about God and His Word. It’s not the only focus, as I have also been reading about relationships as well.
I’m trying to refocus not only my mind, but more importantly, my heart. I want to spend this time focus on “good” things, to redirect my heart and thoughts towards them in the hope that eventually they reflect the good. I need to fill myself with what is good, or right, or holy or whatever you want to call it. This isn’t necessarily about me becoming “holier” or anything. This about me becoming a better, stronger and healthier person in spirit, mind and body. Drawing closer to God is the means for me to effect change in my life. I want to reflect His principles and teachings; to be filled with His Spirit and therefore, bear it’s fruit.
Some may shy away from me when I tell them all of this, and I can understand why. We’ve all met people in our lives that “found” God or “got religion”. It can be a painful and trying experience for those around them. I would put more responsibility on those who lead and teach them, but I don’t really want to get into that. What I want to say is, though I know I’ll miss the mark as I so often do, if I keep myself centered on Christ and His teachings, then no one would have cause to be afraid. His teaching was so love-centric and anti-judgment that, I feel, if I am truly conveying a Christ-like spirit and mindset, there will be no condemnation or judgment to make the people in my life uncomfortable.
Yet I have to say, as harsh as it may sound, I can’t let the possibility of those I care about distancing themselves affect me to the point of neglecting what I need to do.
So my fervent prayer this morning is for God to fill my heart to overflowing with goodness, that my words will reflect that which is within me. Love, compassion, grace; these are the things I want to project and reflect. Not anger, hate and enmity.
As I was reading my Bible this morning, I came across a particular verse that I have been using to try to explain to some people the essence of what I’m trying to accomplish on this sabbatical. I could not remember the verse exactly, or where it came from, but I knew the gist of it and what it meant to me. To find it in my reading this morning was an absolute delight, as now I can point to it specifically and use it to better explain what I’m after here.
“The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” Luke 6:45
In the Amplified Bible, the verse ends such: “…for out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart his mouth speaks.”
While this is certainly isn’t the only reason I have decided to take a leave of absence from the majority of outside influences in my life, it is definitely one of the most important to me. One of the main themes running through all my reasons has to do with my reactions and how they affect not only me, but more importantly how they affect the people in my life. So for me to take some time to work on myself and the relationships with God and the people in my life, my reactions play a heavy role in the work that I’m trying to do. I don’t want to react in anger all the time. Lashing out is no longer an acceptable way of life for me. So a big part of what I’m doing during the course of this sabbatical involves a lot of time reading my Bible and studies/devotions about God and His Word. It’s not the only focus, as I have also been reading about relationships as well.
I’m trying to refocus not only my mind, but more importantly, my heart. I want to spend this time focus on “good” things, to redirect my heart and thoughts towards them in the hope that eventually they reflect the good. I need to fill myself with what is good, or right, or holy or whatever you want to call it. This isn’t necessarily about me becoming “holier” or anything. This about me becoming a better, stronger and healthier person in spirit, mind and body. Drawing closer to God is the means for me to effect change in my life. I want to reflect His principles and teachings; to be filled with His Spirit and therefore, bear it’s fruit.
Some may shy away from me when I tell them all of this, and I can understand why. We’ve all met people in our lives that “found” God or “got religion”. It can be a painful and trying experience for those around them. I would put more responsibility on those who lead and teach them, but I don’t really want to get into that. What I want to say is, though I know I’ll miss the mark as I so often do, if I keep myself centered on Christ and His teachings, then no one would have cause to be afraid. His teaching was so love-centric and anti-judgment that, I feel, if I am truly conveying a Christ-like spirit and mindset, there will be no condemnation or judgment to make the people in my life uncomfortable.
Yet I have to say, as harsh as it may sound, I can’t let the possibility of those I care about distancing themselves affect me to the point of neglecting what I need to do.
So my fervent prayer this morning is for God to fill my heart to overflowing with goodness, that my words will reflect that which is within me. Love, compassion, grace; these are the things I want to project and reflect. Not anger, hate and enmity.
December 13, 2009
rant
November 20, 2009 9:30am
I came out to mom and dad a little over 7 years ago. A lot has happened in my life as well as theirs since that day, and some things about our relationship and the way we interact have changed; some haven’t.
One of the things my mother used to invariably do that pissed me off to no end was to write one little phrase at the end of the cards and e-mails that she sent me (I think she has said it to me over the phone on occasion, but I’m not 100% certain of that). She used to write, in essence, “I can’t wait until your feet are again under your Father’s table” or a variation thereof. Notice the utilization of the capital letter “F” in the word father, used to signify my Father God in heaven versus my father here on earth. Mom wasn’t writing that out of a desire for me to come over and have dinner with my dad and her. She was writing that as a means of expressing her belief that I had fallen out of fellowship with God, and she wanted for me to remedy that.
Just the thought of that statement, used so often in the past, gets my hackles up. I’m able to process it much easier now than I used to though. When she would say or write that, I would absolutely bristle. It was like the reactions of the monsters in old movies to sunlight or the sign of the cross. Now I can shrug off the statement because I know that it is based in and on ignorance and lies, but it still hurts just a little, and makes me at least want to be defensive, even if I don’t act on it.
I won’t go into all the arguments about whether or not God accepts homosexuals. I could recommend some great books, but that’s not what I want to write about today. What I want to talk about today is our role as God’s children, but more specifically, as guests at God’s table.
First let me tell you why a seemingly simple little statement could make me absolutely seethe with anger. To insinuate that my feet are not under the table in God’s house at His great feast is to imply that I am not an invited guest. The assumption made is that I have chosen a life contrary to God’s divine will, which renders me unable to sit at His table. This here, this is the part that pisses me off, every time: If I’m not allowed to sit at the table because I’m not serving God, who am I serving? You can play the game of semantics and run around saying “bless his heart” and “love the sinner, not the sin” until you’re blue in the face. You can try to sound Christian and non-judgmental, like little Sam and Susie Spiritual all you want, but the fact of the matter is and remains that you are accusing me of being a heathen acting willfully against God and His word. That. That, dear readers, is what will set me off on a tirade every single time. Whether out loud or to myself; it really doesn’t matter. I don’t need an audience for the sermon that pours forth out of me at that time. I’ll preach to the choir, I’ll preach to the congregation, I’ll preach to a friend, a foe, every man, woman and child who walks down the street, I will preach to my dogs and fish if I have to. It’s coming out one way or another.
Let’s start here: The feast, as it were, is thrown by God, who is therefore in charge of the guest list. The feast is a wedding feast, wherein the bridegroom, Jesus, is united as one with His bride, the people of God. In Revelation 21:9, John writes that one of seven angels talked with him and said, “Come here, I shall show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb.” John then goes on to describe the holy city of Jerusalem coming down out of heaven, and he describes in detail the vastness and beauty of this city, prepared for “…those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life.” (Rev. 21:27) As the inhabitants of this New Jerusalem, which is called the Bride of Christ by the angel, we are all then part of the bride. WE are the Bride of Christ. The feast is a celebration of the marriage, the once-and-for-all unification of Jesus to His people. We are not just guests at the feast; we are part of the wedding party. We are both the celebrants and the celebrated!
As the Bride of the Lamb of God, would not those who deride us and deny us our rightful place not think it wise to obey the warning of the very same Son who said of marriage, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall become one flesh; consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Mark 10:7-9)
That, to me, says that as the intended of Christ, His betrothed, we are to be joined together by God and not separable by any means. Yet we don’t even have to go so far to learn this! In Luke 18:17, Jesus says, “Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it at all.” Right before that (vs. 15-16), Jesus was rebuking His disciples for trying to prevent parents from bringing their children to Him: “And they were bringing even their babies to Him so that He might touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, 'Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.'” Emphasis mine)
I don’t think it’s any mistake to read that as a rebuke to all of us to not only stop preventing children to turn to Jesus, but also as instruction to turn to Him as children ourselves! Jesus makes it clear that no one, even those acting on what they presume to be His behalf, should ever prevent God’s children from coming to Him.
Now we’re getting to the good stuff, so bear with me a little longer here…
In the Bible, we learn of our many roles as followers of Christ, or His disciples if you will. We are to be “fishers of men” just as the original disciples He called were told they would be. We are to share the Gospel, the love of God, the grace of God, the forgiveness of God.
In other words, I am to invite all I know to come share in the feast. God has sent out a broadcast invitation to the ends of the earth for all to partake in the feast, where we will not only celebrate, but be celebrated in our unity with our Creator. We are all handed an unlimited supply of invitations, with no names yet written on them, with the instructions to hand them out to all we meet.
Our role as guests is to invite others to come with us. Our role is to sit at the table and rejoice at the sighting of one we know sitting at the table with us. We are to revel in the long-awaited reunion of ourselves to the One who calls us. We love and laugh with those who are with us, whether man or woman, black or white, tall or short, fat or skinny. We are all, finally and blessedly, God’s children. There is no more need for adjectives and pronouns! We will be one family, at peace with one another in love and mercy through no other gift than that of the grace of God.
But wait.
Let me look something up real quick in the back of my Bible. Oh, it’s got to be here somewhere. That’s odd. I found an entry for “door”, but not for “doorman”. I’ll try “gatekeeper”. Oh! Here it is! Let me go look it up… Well, that just mentions who the gatekeepers at the temple in old Jerusalem were. Let’s try the next verse. Well, not much there either. Let’s just look at the notes in the bottom of my study Bible.
From the footnotes of 1 Chr 9:17-18 (Life Application Study Bible, Tyndale): “Porters, or gatekeepers, guarded the four main entrances to the Temple and opened the gates each morning for those who wanted to worship. In addition, they did other day-to-day chores to keep the Temple running smoothly – cleaning, preparing the offerings for sacrifice, and accounting for the gifts designated to the Temple.
“Gatekeepers had to be reliable, honest, and trustworthy. The people in our churches who handle the offerings and care for the materials and functions of the building follow in a great tradition and we should honor them for their reliability and service.”
Huh? That’s not what I was really looking for. Let’s keep looking… Well, I did find another note for 1 Chr 26:1, but it’s a similar description of the duties of the gatekeepers that really doesn’t say much about keeping people from entering the Temple. Plus, since its 1 Chronicles, and they’re talking about the physical Temple of the Old Testament, and it was written in approximately 430 B.C., it may not really be what we’re after quite yet.
You know what? Maybe being the gatekeeper, or the “Spiritual Bouncer” as I like to call it, isn’t in my concordance or references, but I bet you it’s listed in the spiritual gifts! Let’s go look! Ah, here we are! The fruit of the Spirit, as listed in Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”
Hmm, no bouncer yet; maybe we should try the Amplified Bible. I bet one of those “-ness’s” from the NAS version will translate into what we’re looking for!
Galatians 5:22-23 (Amplified, Zondervan): “But the fruit of the [Holy] Sprit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness, gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge].”
Well I’m still not finding what I’m looking for here. Oh, I know! Maybe it’s not one of the fruits of the Spirit, but a gift of the Spirit! Let’s just jump right to the Amplified Bible, shall we? 1 Corinthians 12:8-11: “To one is given in and through [Holy] Spirit [the power to speak] a message of wisdom, and to another [the power to express] a word of knowledge and understanding according to the same [Holy] Spirit; To another [wonder-working] faith by the same [Holy] Spirit, to another the extraordinary powers of healing by the one Spirit; To another the working of miracles, to another prophetic insight (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose); to another the ability to discern and distinguish between [the utterances of true] spirits [and false ones], to another various kinds of [unknown] tongues, to another the ability to interpret [such] tongues. All these [gifts, achievements, abilities] are inspired and brought to pass by one and the same [Holy] Spirit, Who apportions to each person individually [exactly] as He chooses.”
Well, no spiritual bouncer there either. I suppose someone who is gifted with the ability to discern spirits could be used as a bouncer, but that may be stretching it. Maybe God didn’t really intend for us to be doormen. Could it be possible? I believe so.
This is how I’m able to take that one phrase that tries to separate me from the love of God, and just let it roll on by: God did not call us to be the “Spiritual Bouncers” at the door of His feast. He only calls us to come, and to bring others with us. It really is that simple.
God didn’t say, “Come into my house and feast at my table, but prevent others you feel unworthy to come from joining us there.”
God just simply says, “Come. Bring a friend; we’ll have a great time. Don’t worry if the people you invite are going to show up. Invite them all anyway.”
When we all get to the Lord’s Table and are feasting with Him, He wants our focus to be on Him and on the gifts before us. The place He has brought us to, the beauty and glory before us. The love of those around us. We’re invited guests, not the bouncers. We’ll be too busy celebrating inside to worry about what’s going on outside anyway. God isn’t going to invite us to a feast and then make us stand outside and take care of the guest list. That just isn’t our role. Our role is to celebrate.
So from now on, wherever you are on your journey to the feast at God’s place, you should most definitely hand out invitations along the way. Bring as many people as you can, cause we’re gonna’ have us a party.
But when someone tries to stop you and tell you that you can’t go, or that you need to change your clothes or comb your hair or do this or don’t do that, I want you to look them in the eye and tell them this: “You see this? This is my invitation to the party.”
Your invitation isn’t going to have a dress code mentioned. It’s not a black tie affair. It won’t even have a time listed! You’ll be there when you get there, so long as you continue to walk in the direction of the party.
It just says, “Come.” That’s it. That’s all that’s required. “Come.”
You can tell it was written for you, because it’s signed by Jesus. He signed all of our invitations in blood, and that’s the real reason we can get in the door.
This might be a good time to remind the stranger, who may sincerely be trying to help you from the bottom of their heart that they need to keep walking, too. Remind them that they have an invitation as well, but they have to move to get there. Standing still and stopping others doesn’t get anyone home any faster. If they join you, that’s great. If not, then maybe someone else who comes along will be able to get them to go. Whether they do or not doesn’t change anything for you.
You still have your very own invitation.
“Come.”
I came out to mom and dad a little over 7 years ago. A lot has happened in my life as well as theirs since that day, and some things about our relationship and the way we interact have changed; some haven’t.
One of the things my mother used to invariably do that pissed me off to no end was to write one little phrase at the end of the cards and e-mails that she sent me (I think she has said it to me over the phone on occasion, but I’m not 100% certain of that). She used to write, in essence, “I can’t wait until your feet are again under your Father’s table” or a variation thereof. Notice the utilization of the capital letter “F” in the word father, used to signify my Father God in heaven versus my father here on earth. Mom wasn’t writing that out of a desire for me to come over and have dinner with my dad and her. She was writing that as a means of expressing her belief that I had fallen out of fellowship with God, and she wanted for me to remedy that.
Just the thought of that statement, used so often in the past, gets my hackles up. I’m able to process it much easier now than I used to though. When she would say or write that, I would absolutely bristle. It was like the reactions of the monsters in old movies to sunlight or the sign of the cross. Now I can shrug off the statement because I know that it is based in and on ignorance and lies, but it still hurts just a little, and makes me at least want to be defensive, even if I don’t act on it.
I won’t go into all the arguments about whether or not God accepts homosexuals. I could recommend some great books, but that’s not what I want to write about today. What I want to talk about today is our role as God’s children, but more specifically, as guests at God’s table.
First let me tell you why a seemingly simple little statement could make me absolutely seethe with anger. To insinuate that my feet are not under the table in God’s house at His great feast is to imply that I am not an invited guest. The assumption made is that I have chosen a life contrary to God’s divine will, which renders me unable to sit at His table. This here, this is the part that pisses me off, every time: If I’m not allowed to sit at the table because I’m not serving God, who am I serving? You can play the game of semantics and run around saying “bless his heart” and “love the sinner, not the sin” until you’re blue in the face. You can try to sound Christian and non-judgmental, like little Sam and Susie Spiritual all you want, but the fact of the matter is and remains that you are accusing me of being a heathen acting willfully against God and His word. That. That, dear readers, is what will set me off on a tirade every single time. Whether out loud or to myself; it really doesn’t matter. I don’t need an audience for the sermon that pours forth out of me at that time. I’ll preach to the choir, I’ll preach to the congregation, I’ll preach to a friend, a foe, every man, woman and child who walks down the street, I will preach to my dogs and fish if I have to. It’s coming out one way or another.
Let’s start here: The feast, as it were, is thrown by God, who is therefore in charge of the guest list. The feast is a wedding feast, wherein the bridegroom, Jesus, is united as one with His bride, the people of God. In Revelation 21:9, John writes that one of seven angels talked with him and said, “Come here, I shall show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb.” John then goes on to describe the holy city of Jerusalem coming down out of heaven, and he describes in detail the vastness and beauty of this city, prepared for “…those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life.” (Rev. 21:27) As the inhabitants of this New Jerusalem, which is called the Bride of Christ by the angel, we are all then part of the bride. WE are the Bride of Christ. The feast is a celebration of the marriage, the once-and-for-all unification of Jesus to His people. We are not just guests at the feast; we are part of the wedding party. We are both the celebrants and the celebrated!
As the Bride of the Lamb of God, would not those who deride us and deny us our rightful place not think it wise to obey the warning of the very same Son who said of marriage, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall become one flesh; consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Mark 10:7-9)
That, to me, says that as the intended of Christ, His betrothed, we are to be joined together by God and not separable by any means. Yet we don’t even have to go so far to learn this! In Luke 18:17, Jesus says, “Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it at all.” Right before that (vs. 15-16), Jesus was rebuking His disciples for trying to prevent parents from bringing their children to Him: “And they were bringing even their babies to Him so that He might touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, 'Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.'” Emphasis mine)
I don’t think it’s any mistake to read that as a rebuke to all of us to not only stop preventing children to turn to Jesus, but also as instruction to turn to Him as children ourselves! Jesus makes it clear that no one, even those acting on what they presume to be His behalf, should ever prevent God’s children from coming to Him.
Now we’re getting to the good stuff, so bear with me a little longer here…
In the Bible, we learn of our many roles as followers of Christ, or His disciples if you will. We are to be “fishers of men” just as the original disciples He called were told they would be. We are to share the Gospel, the love of God, the grace of God, the forgiveness of God.
In other words, I am to invite all I know to come share in the feast. God has sent out a broadcast invitation to the ends of the earth for all to partake in the feast, where we will not only celebrate, but be celebrated in our unity with our Creator. We are all handed an unlimited supply of invitations, with no names yet written on them, with the instructions to hand them out to all we meet.
Our role as guests is to invite others to come with us. Our role is to sit at the table and rejoice at the sighting of one we know sitting at the table with us. We are to revel in the long-awaited reunion of ourselves to the One who calls us. We love and laugh with those who are with us, whether man or woman, black or white, tall or short, fat or skinny. We are all, finally and blessedly, God’s children. There is no more need for adjectives and pronouns! We will be one family, at peace with one another in love and mercy through no other gift than that of the grace of God.
But wait.
Let me look something up real quick in the back of my Bible. Oh, it’s got to be here somewhere. That’s odd. I found an entry for “door”, but not for “doorman”. I’ll try “gatekeeper”. Oh! Here it is! Let me go look it up… Well, that just mentions who the gatekeepers at the temple in old Jerusalem were. Let’s try the next verse. Well, not much there either. Let’s just look at the notes in the bottom of my study Bible.
From the footnotes of 1 Chr 9:17-18 (Life Application Study Bible, Tyndale): “Porters, or gatekeepers, guarded the four main entrances to the Temple and opened the gates each morning for those who wanted to worship. In addition, they did other day-to-day chores to keep the Temple running smoothly – cleaning, preparing the offerings for sacrifice, and accounting for the gifts designated to the Temple.
“Gatekeepers had to be reliable, honest, and trustworthy. The people in our churches who handle the offerings and care for the materials and functions of the building follow in a great tradition and we should honor them for their reliability and service.”
Huh? That’s not what I was really looking for. Let’s keep looking… Well, I did find another note for 1 Chr 26:1, but it’s a similar description of the duties of the gatekeepers that really doesn’t say much about keeping people from entering the Temple. Plus, since its 1 Chronicles, and they’re talking about the physical Temple of the Old Testament, and it was written in approximately 430 B.C., it may not really be what we’re after quite yet.
You know what? Maybe being the gatekeeper, or the “Spiritual Bouncer” as I like to call it, isn’t in my concordance or references, but I bet you it’s listed in the spiritual gifts! Let’s go look! Ah, here we are! The fruit of the Spirit, as listed in Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”
Hmm, no bouncer yet; maybe we should try the Amplified Bible. I bet one of those “-ness’s” from the NAS version will translate into what we’re looking for!
Galatians 5:22-23 (Amplified, Zondervan): “But the fruit of the [Holy] Sprit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness, gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge].”
Well I’m still not finding what I’m looking for here. Oh, I know! Maybe it’s not one of the fruits of the Spirit, but a gift of the Spirit! Let’s just jump right to the Amplified Bible, shall we? 1 Corinthians 12:8-11: “To one is given in and through [Holy] Spirit [the power to speak] a message of wisdom, and to another [the power to express] a word of knowledge and understanding according to the same [Holy] Spirit; To another [wonder-working] faith by the same [Holy] Spirit, to another the extraordinary powers of healing by the one Spirit; To another the working of miracles, to another prophetic insight (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose); to another the ability to discern and distinguish between [the utterances of true] spirits [and false ones], to another various kinds of [unknown] tongues, to another the ability to interpret [such] tongues. All these [gifts, achievements, abilities] are inspired and brought to pass by one and the same [Holy] Spirit, Who apportions to each person individually [exactly] as He chooses.”
Well, no spiritual bouncer there either. I suppose someone who is gifted with the ability to discern spirits could be used as a bouncer, but that may be stretching it. Maybe God didn’t really intend for us to be doormen. Could it be possible? I believe so.
This is how I’m able to take that one phrase that tries to separate me from the love of God, and just let it roll on by: God did not call us to be the “Spiritual Bouncers” at the door of His feast. He only calls us to come, and to bring others with us. It really is that simple.
God didn’t say, “Come into my house and feast at my table, but prevent others you feel unworthy to come from joining us there.”
God just simply says, “Come. Bring a friend; we’ll have a great time. Don’t worry if the people you invite are going to show up. Invite them all anyway.”
When we all get to the Lord’s Table and are feasting with Him, He wants our focus to be on Him and on the gifts before us. The place He has brought us to, the beauty and glory before us. The love of those around us. We’re invited guests, not the bouncers. We’ll be too busy celebrating inside to worry about what’s going on outside anyway. God isn’t going to invite us to a feast and then make us stand outside and take care of the guest list. That just isn’t our role. Our role is to celebrate.
So from now on, wherever you are on your journey to the feast at God’s place, you should most definitely hand out invitations along the way. Bring as many people as you can, cause we’re gonna’ have us a party.
But when someone tries to stop you and tell you that you can’t go, or that you need to change your clothes or comb your hair or do this or don’t do that, I want you to look them in the eye and tell them this: “You see this? This is my invitation to the party.”
Your invitation isn’t going to have a dress code mentioned. It’s not a black tie affair. It won’t even have a time listed! You’ll be there when you get there, so long as you continue to walk in the direction of the party.
It just says, “Come.” That’s it. That’s all that’s required. “Come.”
You can tell it was written for you, because it’s signed by Jesus. He signed all of our invitations in blood, and that’s the real reason we can get in the door.
This might be a good time to remind the stranger, who may sincerely be trying to help you from the bottom of their heart that they need to keep walking, too. Remind them that they have an invitation as well, but they have to move to get there. Standing still and stopping others doesn’t get anyone home any faster. If they join you, that’s great. If not, then maybe someone else who comes along will be able to get them to go. Whether they do or not doesn’t change anything for you.
You still have your very own invitation.
“Come.”
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