Incoherent Babble

yeah, yeah... i hear ya

2011-06-07T06:39:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted in forever.

I don't *really* have time to post today, either.

I need to hop in the shower, or more accurately for the literalists among us, I need to go wash my body in the shower.

I also need to water the veggies and annuals this morning. There is a "chance" of spotty thunderstorms today, but with the amount of heat we'll be getting, that's a chance I'd rather not take.

I also need to go pack my book bag. No class since Thursday and working on homework for four different classes at different times throughout the weekend has a tendency to make my desk a tad jumbled.

School is going well; I find myself enjoying it more than I thought I would. Oddly enough, most of my preconceived notions have been turned on their ear in this first week.

I thought I would prefer my two online courses over my two campus-based courses. Not so much. I actually like going to class more than being left to my own devices.

I thought I would hate Beginning Algebra I, or at the very least, like the other three courses way more than math. Turns out that of the 4, algebra is my favorite class thus far.

Who is this guy?

totally cheating...

2011-03-10T06:40:00.002-05:00

I admit it, I am.

I didn't write this post as a post. It's actually an email to my parents that I copied and pasted here because I'm too lazy to write anymore. It is, however, pretty much what I would write if I were to create a new post, so there's that.

Hello!

I haven't touched base with you guys in so long! I miss you. Just wanted to send out a quick note to let you know that and to try and update you on what's up with me lately.

Registration for the summer term started this week, and I've found that I need to take the placement tests even if I'm not registering for math or english this time around. Apparently, they want to make sure you can read and write before taking classes....

I *attempted* to go take the tests yesterday morning, but I got seriously lost and confused once I drove onto the campus. I start to have a bit of an anxiety attack, got frustrated and left. The buildings aren't very well marked for vehicle traffic (a lot of signs on the sidewalks in front of buildings you can't read from the road), and I had NO clue where to park or what building to go to. Not to mention the hordes of students trying to get to and from their classes in the rain.

I came home and called Cody's brother, who works for the college, and told him where I needed to go and he straightened me out. So I'll make another attempt this morning, with hopefully better results. :)

I was still kind of worked up on my way home, so I didn't do the other thing I had intended to do either, which was to pick up an application. The Aldi located between here and the campus is (or was as of last weekend) hiring cashiers at $11.00/hr. Not my dream job, but that's a decent wage for the work.

As far as my major, I'm still pulled in 452 different directions about that mentally and emotionally. I realized several weeks ago during choir practice that I was doing what I loved to do, and I was finally in a position to maybe follow that passion. I don't know where that would lead me, but that's just another item on a long list of things I don't know right now. :)

I told Pastor Allen a few weeks ago when we met for dinner that while I think I *would/could* be a good nurse, I don't really *want* to be a nurse. I like the idea of it, and I've heard so many people tell me I "should be" a nurse, or would be good at it, I think I've just kind of internalized everyone else telling me their good intentions and lost my own along the way.

A friend mentioned a week or so ago that I should get my nursing degree, minor in music, and then work as a music therapist. I latched onto that, and before I knew it, I was looking at nursing programs again. To be a certified music therapist, you do need a bachelors degree, with a focus on either music or psychology/medicine. Well, when I realized I was headed down the wrong road, I reigned myself in and stopped that train before it left the station.

So, long story short, I still feel like a 17-year-old being handed my diploma and trying to figure out, "What do I want to 'BE' when I grow up?"

For right now at least, I'm okay with not knowing. I'm going to start taking classes and work toward a degree, and I'm sure I'll get Guidance along the way. In the meantime, I have to be realistic and get a job though. This time around, though, I'm going to make my job work around me instead of the other way around.

God didn't bring me this far for me to get back into debt again, but I know He didn't plan for me to be a slave to money, either.

So that's all (or most all, anyway) the news that's fit to print. How are you two doing?

Love and miss you,

Jacob

at least the ground is thawing a bit...

2011-02-17T05:54:00.002-05:00

...even if my mind is not

I'm feeling a bit frozen in time. Encapsulated by my lack of direction. I need to move forward, but my compass is spinning in circles, and I don't know which way to go. I didn't really have a grand plan when I left my job before Christmas. I was totally okay with that.

I didn't expect to be working at my dream job by now or anything, and I'm not in a financial panic yet. I still have a little more breathing room. I'm just a little disappointed. I took a big leap into the abyss, and now have an opportunity to do pretty much whatever the hell I want to (within reason, of course), yet I'm like the proverbial 5 year old child. "I want to be a firefighter." "No, now I want to be a race car driver." "I think I'll be a dentist."

Oy-freaking-vey!

I thought I had it figured out. Then, while watching TV sometime in the last couple of weeks, I saw a commercial for a school that I won't mention (for reasons I won't delve into), and it started me on a Google search for some answers to a few new questions. Turns out I could accomplish way more by attending a community college for WAY less money than the other program I was all set to sign up for. It would take twice as long to earn my degree and sit for my license, but I would be sitting for my RN versus my LPN. For a little more than half the money.

Okay, same direction, different path. I can do this. Then something changed. Some voice in the back of my mind said, "You really love 'this'. Are you sure you want to head in that direction, when this one is now open to you for the first time?"

I hate those voices sometimes.

So now I have a whole slew of questions I need to ask myself. A whole new set of answers and ideas to consider.

Being a grown-up kinda sucks, don't it?

times, they are a-changin'

2011-02-06T07:27:00.003-05:00

...and the people are, too

These last few days have been interesting for me. Plans are changing. Relationships shifting. Hurt and fear are moving forward in a new light. Love and joy are superseding pain and heartache.

Yet what of the rest? There are so many emotions the human mind is capable of feeling, hearing, creating, expressing... Where does Joy go when Fear shows up? Does Confusion destroy Enlightenment and create the need for a complete reconstruction? Is it an emotional tug-of-war match in which the opposing forces are ever-present, despite the strength of one being greater than the other for a season? Or is it an all-out annihilation of the weaker? Do we need to create each, in and of itself, every single time?

To be honest, for if I can not be honest here, then where?, these thoughts permeate my heart and soul this morning. It's a gorgeous morning. The sun coexists with the snow and cold. The snow blankets everything this morning after the storm. Yet I know that there is life under the snow. If I could melt away the snow in my garden, you would see barren ground, with no evidence of life but the remains of previous life dead and gone. But it's not gone. It's under the earth. Resting. Waiting. Preparing itself for a new day, and a fresh glory. It will build on the life lived and spent in years prior, with a similarity that I know I've seen that blossom before, but here it is again new and fresh.

The wilted leaves and fronds lying dead and decaying under the snow indicate barrenness. A cold, harsh reminder that nothing lasts. Oh, but how wrong we are to brush those tattered remnants aside and assume all hope is lost. There is life, abundant, fresh life under the frozen earth. It waits for but the hint of Spring, with it's Warmth and Sun. It has rested from the strain of showing itself proud in seasons past. It is renewed and ready. It will break through the earth and be beautiful again. If you but blink, you will miss the splendor of it's rebirth.

You see, it's not simply the day or two that it shows forth the beauty of it's blossom that gives the flower it's purpose. It desires to reproduce and spread it love and beauty to farther and farther reaches of the Garden in which it lives, yes. Yet the pure Joy, and the unrestrained Stretching of it's support, the Growth of it's tender yet vital Leaves, all learning, yearning and beautiful holds so much Wisdom and Virtue.

If you come to my Garden, you may see it Sprouting. Another day, and you may see it Budding. If you play your cards right, and you plan ahead, you may see my Garden in Bloom. There is Beauty and Glory on each of those days. Still, I can't help but feel and know in my Heart that the Wisdom, the Real Magic, and the Lesson comes from the Less-Beautiful, Less-Glorious days of Growth and Preparation.

To the Visitor, it may seem that the Garden has miraculously sprung from the Earth to show it's Beauty and Grace in a show reserved simply for them. They would not be wrong.

The Greater Truth, and the Real Beauty is shown through to the One Who tends the Garden. The Blessing of Growth and Learning and Tending. The real and true miracle of life is seen in the daily growth and care, my friends.

The Blossoms are but a Bonus...

This post is dedicated to and inspired by the life, love and smile of Peggy Corrigan.

yawn

2011-01-24T04:56:00.002-05:00

Oh goodness, I am so tired. And cold. And tired. Did I mention I'm cold, too?

According to my browser, it is currently 6 degrees outside, with a "Real Feel" of -3 degrees. I don't care who ya' are; that's just damn cold. Suffice to say, I am SO ready for spring!

Yeah, I know, I haven't posted in a while. I've thought about it a handful of times, but just never did. The good news is, the "new & improved" office is 98% complete! I've combined my office/guest room with Cody's office to make one large office for the both of us.

The other room is pretty much on hold right now, unfortunately. The guest bed is leaning up against the wall in there right now waiting to be taken to it's new home. Once that happens, I'll be able to finish cleaning up in there and hang clothing rods to turn it into a giant walk-in closet. Okay, maybe not giant to the rest of the world, but giant to the two of us!

After that, I'll be able to turn the clothes closet in the guest room into a storage closet. This house is seriously lacking in storage space, and being able to install out-of-the-way storage shelving will make a HUGE difference!

Since I can't do much more with either of those rooms for the next couple of weeks, I can now focus my attentions elsewhere. Like what I'm going to do with my life. You know; stuff like that. I've picked the choir music from church that people have turned in over the last few weeks, and that all needs to be filed. I also have to sort through the practice CD-RWs and clear them off for future use. Pretty innocuous stuff.

I've only got one more Sunday off from choir, so I need to get crackin' on "lesson plans" and figure out what direction we'll be heading in once rehearsals start back up in February. A few people have inquired about whether or not we'll have any kind of choir program at Easter, and truth be told, I have no idea what the answer is.

In addition to all that, I need to be studying math some more. I have an appointment to check out a school on Wednesday, and if that meeting goes well, I'll be taking an entrance exam in the near future. I'm pretty rusty on my simple math since I have relied on calculators for so long. On top of that, I have to refresh myself on certain equations and such as well.

Then I have that whole "job" thing to look forward to. I'll be waiting until Wednesday to follow through with anything on that front though. I need to find out the average workload for a student at this particular school before signing on to a new job. Making sure that there are enough hours left in the day for homework will be a pretty important factor in any job I seek.

Added to the joyous list above is the fact that I simply have to get my weight back under control. My pants are all too tight, and the scale has reached a number that I'm extremely unhappy with. So now I have to try and fit in a bit of exercise, too. With me not working, there really is no reason for me to not exercise. Don't get me wrong; I could totally give you a whole list of excuses.

aruba, jamaica

2011-01-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

ooh i wanna take ya to bermuda, bahama, come on pretty mama

Yeah, I wish.

It's still cold. There is still snow on the ground. I'm still not a fan of either.

Now that we've dispensed with the obvious information, let's move on.

I was quite relieved this morning. As of yesterday afternoon, the school I have been considering attending had not updated their website to reflect any new dates for admission testing. The last date listed was yesterday, and I just was not prepared enough to feel comfortable taking the test that soon. So I spent a fair portion of yesterday afternoon and evening thoroughly *convinced* that I had missed the last opportunity to take the test for the spring class, and would have to wait until fall.

Waking up and checking their site this morning, I was able to take a deep breath. They have scheduled two more dates, which means I have not completely dropped the ball yet! In addition to that, I learned from my brother a couple of days ago that there is at least one game for my Nintendo DS that focuses strictly on math. I have a couple of those "brain games" already, and while they do include some math problems, I'm excited to find these other games that don't have all the other distractions.

I can't believe I just talked about being excited to do math. I sat on the couch with Cody the other night working on fractions, and though I made more errors in simple math than I'm comfortable with, I was encouraged at being able to at least do the problems themselves correctly.

Yeah, I know. Not exactly exciting stuff here, folks. I'm just trying to type my way into an awake and alert state of being.

ode to puppies

2011-01-12T08:00:00.002-05:00

you stare
you whine
you beg, plead and pace

i believe you
i interrupt myself
i stop what i'm doing

we walk together
you gang up
you tumble into me

you freak
you spaz
patience isn't yours

i open the door
i chain you up
you run out into

the driveway
the driveway
must sniff

go to the grass
go to the grass
the ever-loving grass

do you thing
get back in
too cold to stand at the door

what a world

2011-01-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

I'm sure that by now, you have all heard about the shootings in Tucson, AZ over the weekend. It's not only a tragedy, but it's brought out the best (and worst) in a lot of people. I've seen, read and heard a lot of commentary, both political and personal, since Saturday. I'm sure you have, too. I'm not going to get into that here. I'll just encourage you to pray, send positive thoughts, etc. to the victims and their families.

Let's not forget to pray for the accused gunman and his family as well.

totally dropped the ball

2011-01-10T08:00:00.002-05:00

Yeah, so I've been trying to schedule posts for weekdays at 8am. Well, it's 8:01am on Monday, and here I am starting a post...

Not a very eventful weekend, really. And due to my sheer laziness the last two days, I really do need to get my butt in gear this morning. We'll see how that works out for me...

it gets old

2011-01-07T08:00:00.002-05:00

My dog has had an "episode" for the second day in a row. I'm really not feeling it right now.

She all of a sudden decides that she *HAS* to lick. Mainly the floor, but she'll lick the furniture on her way by every once in a while. Nothing will stop her. We've tried holding her, but she just can't stop. She just goes until she's done. Yesterday's fit lasted for over three hours.

The first time this happened, I was able to hold her in one spot with no carpet and give her a lot of love and attention, focusing on a lot of belly patting. I essentially "burped" her until she threw up (hence the carpet-free area) so that I could give her a baby aspirin. At that time, we didn't know what was wrong (still don't), and the aspirin was just to get her to -hopefully- chill out enough to sleep.

I tried "burping" her several times yesterday to no avail. There's just no stopping her. She'll run to the door every once in a while, making you think she's going to expel something from somewhere, but when you put her outside, she just starts eating grass.

The only post I could find online from someone who has experienced the same thing with their own dog indicates it may be a form of seizure of else just a compulsion. The first time it happened, we took her to the vet. Much like pediatricians nowadays, they're quick to just prescribe an antibiotic and send you on your way. So for now, the plan is to just ride it out.

I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take. Not only is it annoying as hell to have a dog running around licking the floor non-stop and coughing because of all the hair she's ingesting. There is also the worry that she'll find something to lick that could really hurt her. Then there's that wonderful feeling of helplessness that occurs when you watch an animal you love go through something like this, and there isn't a thing you can do.

I guess it figures that I would end up with a dog who is just as neurotic as I am...

bound to happen

2011-01-06T08:00:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I knew there would be a bad day thrown into the mix eventually. I've been riding the wave of euphoric freedom since leaving my job two and a half weeks ago. I knew that reality would eventually sink in.

Yesterday, when I went upstairs to pick up where I left off with the office debacle, I stuttered and stammered and paused and poked until I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere. It seems I was at the beginning of one of my off days. Looking back this morning, I can see a few things that I could have done differently, but... coulda'-shoulda'-woulda' and all that jazz.

While in the throes of my funk, the inevitable finally arrived: What the fuck am I doing? What am I *going* to do? *How*, exactly, am I going to go about doing whatever it is I decide I'm going to do. When? (Dear Blogger, please install an underline button. Thanks.)

So yeah, yesterday wasn't the best day I've had on this little journey. I didn't expect that I'd get through this whole big life-changing experience without second-guessing myself. I'm not into playing Pollyanna about life in general, and this is no exception.

Today however, is different. Today, I learned that I'm not alone. Today, I was reminded, is a new day, and a chance to start fresh.

I'm often quite thankful for the people in my life. Days like today though, when God gives me a reminder of just how important those people are to me and why he's put them in my path, humble me and make me so much more thankful.

not that i'm lazy or anything...

2011-01-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

...but I've decided to go ahead and "borrow" a post from a friend. Most of you have probably all read it, since the same two people read both of our blogs...

Confidence

I think I've titled a post by this name before but to be honest I'm too lazy to go and look it up. lol.

I've dealt a lot with confidence as of late and it's been one hell of a struggle I must say. My whole life I've lacked confidence and the older I get the more I realize how much of a difference confidence can make in my every day life. The shoes I think that are so awesome that I don't buy because I tell myself I couldn't pull the look off. The hair style I don't try because I tell myself people like me don't get daring with their looks, they blend in and don't stand out. If you stand out people might want to talk to you, or possibly even talk about you.

I've lived my life so far in these dark corners, trying desperately to blend in with the carpet, or the wall paper, or whatever I could to not be noticed. I believe it takes confidence to walk into a room full of people you don't know, even if you know one person, just walking into that crowd takes confidence. Did I mention that this situation terrorizes me to within an inch of hysterics? It's completely crazy when I look at it from the outside, but from within me I am paralyzed in the situation.

There has been much discussion with me at work in regards to confidence. Much of my job entails getting customers to trust me and trust in what I have to say. I not only have to say the answer, I have to believe the answer is right, even if I know it could be wrong. It's crazy but that is so hard for me to accomplish. I have tried for weeks and I'm starting to get the hang of it, but it's a very slow process. I very rarely say anything with confidence. I'm either afraid of being wrong, or even worse, upsetting people.

To me confidence is the thing I admire the most. It's the thing I notice, it's the thing that attracts me to others, it's what I admire in others. Most of my friends are confident people, some of them don't believe it, but they are, and if they really aren't? Well they are certainly good at faking it. It's just something I admire so much and require from friendships. Perhaps if I'm around it enough it will start to rub off on me.

I rarely talk to strangers unless required, which makes meeting new people very difficult. I'm cautious about so much in my life because I lack the confidence I feel is required for the situation. This whole post is ironic if I take a step back and look at myself and the things I've done in my life, but to me I don't always see it. Yes I moved away from everyone I know to go back to school at the age of 21. Yes I bought a business at the age of 28 that I had no idea how to run, and yes I moved again at the age of 33. I have done some pretty crazy things when I think about it, but I don't feel that any of them required confidence, maybe stupidity, but not always confidence.

Each small decision I second guess myself. I find it so hard to make a decision sometimes because I never know what's behind that decision. What are the repercussions of that decision, will someone be upset? Will someone be put out? If it's just me, o.k. I can make the decision, but put even just one more person with me and I become a hot mess in making a decision.

Where does confidence stem from? Where does it come from? Who instills it in you? Is it genetic? Is it environmental? What is it and where does it come from? Can it be a learned behavior?

It's just something that's been bouncing around in my head recently.

le sigh

2011-01-05T08:00:00.002-05:00

So this whole not working thing is just down-right odd. For starters, I'm in the midst of my third week of being unemployed, and yet I'm still waking up at 3:30am. Not really how I thought this whole thing was going to work out. It's good in that I am keeping to a regular schedule and I can still go to bed with Cody. The part I don't like is that, well, it's 3:30am!

Cody, being the sweetheart that he is, sleeps with earplugs in his ears to drown out (most) of my (and Winnie's) snoring. That makes it hard for him to hear his alarm clock sometimes, so he asked if I would be willing to continue waking up early to make sure that he doesn't sleep too late. Not to mention he's not a big fan of taking care of all 4 dogs first thing in the morning. This way, I can continue to let the three girls out to do their business and have them fed before he and Tux get up. I'm thinking the dogs aren't the only members of this household that are spoiled...

About the time Cody leaves for work, I've had my second cup of coffee and I am ready to start my day. That's when it dawns on me that I have the whole day ahead of me. Last week was a bit different for me, what with Cody being off work the whole week. I was able to get a lot done, but the two of us took a lot of time to do various things together throughout the week as well. Now that he is back to work though, the day is mine and mine alone. Well, and the dogs, too; they certainly let there needs be known from time to time.

I truly do have enough chores that need to be done around here to keep me busy for quite some time. Add to that list all the things I simply want to accomplish, and I've got quite the full-time job without necessarily leaving the house.

I finally got started on the office/guest room yesterday (Monday), and oy veh!, that is taking a lot more time than I had originally thought it would. I worked fairly steadily in that room yesterday, yet by the time Cody got home from work and I retired to the kitchen to start dinner, I didn't feel like I had accomplished all that much. I sorted and filed all the music I currently have here at home, and then sorted and filed all of the other, um... well, files. That led to cleaning out all my file folders, which then led to shredding documents for over an hour! The good news is that the majority of the paperwork cleaning portion of the project is done. The bad news is, that isn't even the tip of the iceberg yet!

All in all, it has been a fairly productive season around here for me. Truth be told, I'm rather enjoying the opportunity to get my house clean and put into some semblance of order. Yet I know that I can't continue to just clean every day for the rest of my life. My plans and goals for the future are ever-present in my mind, and I will hopefully be making progress in that area very soon.

On top of everything else, I've also considered adding *gulp* exercise to my daily routine. I really must be crazy...

not to advertise or anything

2011-01-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

...but did you know that funeral homes leave the doors unlocked when they go out to lunch? Yeah, I didn't either.

I came down to Fremont this morning, and will be staying at my mom and dads until Saturday. Mom and I spent a good chunk of time arranging the flowers I had bought for Aunt Vicky's funeral. When we went to drop them off at the funeral home, I rang the bell twice and no one answered. So I tried the door, and low and behold - it opened!

I walk in and quietly poke my head around various door jambs, peeking into offices and walking down corridors. I tried to find anyone to deliver the flowers to, but the only person I could find was decidedly incapable of offering me any assistance. You see, the unlocked door exposed not only the business offices of the funeral home to uninvited guests, but a "client" as well.

***This post was actually started in October. Having apparently forgotten all about it, I left it sit until I re-discovered it last week. I added only the final two sentences to it; the rest of the post is untouched. If this entry seems a bit stunted and incomplete, I apologize. I would imagine that writing this at the time it happened seemed cathartic to me, but as of now, it feels like picking at a scab before it's ready to fall off on its own.***

with a little luck...

2011-01-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

...I may get two or three posts scheduled today...

So I may have kinda' dropped a bit of a bomb in my last post. It was unintentional, I assure you. When I realized what I'd done, I considered editing the post, but then I remembered that once a post hits your reader, it doesn't update. So since the majority of you use a reader of some sort, I figured I may as well just let it ride.

For those of you who have already read the post in question and were left wondering: Yes, I am indeed unemployed at the moment. I can reassure you that it was completely my decision though. I did not get laid-off or fired.

I could go into a lot of long, boring detail I suppose. Since it has been two weeks since I quit though, I really don't have the energy to put myself back into that frame of mind and re-live all of that again. I've been relaxing and pondering and planning, and I have allowed myself to let all of that drama fall into the past.

So while some of you may be chomping at the bit waiting for the gory details, there's not going to be a whole lot of them. Sorry. Suffice it to say that I have been planning to take my leave of Lincoln Electric for quite a while. That job has served it's purpose in providing a good income to support my family and pave the way for me to move on. Now that time of moving on has come, and I have.

I do have a tentative plan that I have been working on, and now that the holiday season is behind us, I will be turning those cogs and gears a bit faster.

ruh-roh

2010-12-31T08:00:00.000-05:00

See, I got all busy doing nothing yesterday, and totally forgot to write today's post! Damn you, facebook!!!

I had intended to clean the kitchen and possibly the living room yesterday, but got entangled in a web of facebook friend-poaching and, before I knew it, it was time to go meet my friend for lunch (Panera Bread - So yummy!).

I really don't have anything terrible profound to write about today, but I do want to keep the ball rolling so that it doesn't come to a screeching halt!

I feel like I have so much to do today without the time to do it. In reality, I don't *have* to be anywhere until 8pm, so I have all the time in the world, really. I just want the downstairs clean and put back into whatever passes for order in this house. Cody's family will be coming over for dinner tomorrow afternoon/evening, and my goal is to have almost all of the cleaning done before we leave for a party tonight. That way I can prep food in the morning, then clean the bathroom and be done. Time to sit on my butt and relax before family starts showing up and the dogs go crazy.

My poor office. My goal is now to have the office project done by next weekend. I dare not say more, as I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I am going to surprise Cody with. He has been off work all this week, but when he goes back to work on Monday, I'll be going to town on cleaning while he's at work.

Being unemployed certainly has some benefits! It's so much easier to get housework done when Cody isn't here, especially when I get up to no good! If he's not here to ask questions, I have the opportunity to accomplish a task without him knowing so that he sees the finished product and is more likely to be agreeable than if I try to explain it ahead of time.

'Tis infinitely easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.....

did the pastor just sneeze, and no one said "bless you"?

2010-12-30T08:00:00.000-05:00

So the first time I heard about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, I was about 21-22 years old. I was sitting in church, and the pastor made a reference to them in his sermon, causing those around me to nod their heads or whatever the appropriate reaction was in that instance. I, on the other hand, was completely befuddled! I had no idea what words had just come spilling out of the pastor's mouth. Being a full-gospel/charismatic/Pentecostal congregation, I was accustomed to hearing people speaking in tongues at various times. This was different though.

It turns out that the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego is common knowledge for those who were raised in church. I was raised by Christian parents, but as a youngster, I never really attended Sunday School. That means a lot of these "common knowledge" Bible stories are completely lost on me. I know *of* a lot of references to these stories, but not the circumstances, and certainly not the details. Daniel in the den of lions, Jonah and the whale, etc... -- They're all vaguely familiar and yet totally lost on me.

So I eventually read about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. I learned their story, and it turns out that I love it. So I was filled with joy a few weeks ago when I got to read it again as part of my daily reading. -- I have a feed that comes directly into my reader every morning, as I decided last year that I wanted to read the whole Bible. --

Daniel 3

The Image of Gold and the Fiery Furnace

¹ King Nebuchadnezzar made an image of gold, ninety feet high and nine feet wide, and set it up on the plain of Dura in the province of Babylon. ² He then summoned the satraps, prefects, governors, advisers, treasurers, judges, magistrates and all the other provincial officials to come to the dedication of the image he had set up. ³ So the satraps, prefects, governors, advisers, treasurers, judges, magistrates and all the other provincial officials assembled for the dedication of the image that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up, and they stood before it. ⁴ Then the herald loudly proclaimed, “This is what you are commanded to do, O peoples, nations and men of every language: ⁵ As soon as you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music, you must fall down and worship the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. ⁶ Whoever does not fall down and worship will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.” ⁷ Therefore, as soon as they heard the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp and all kinds of music, all the peoples, nations and men of every language fell down and worshiped the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up.

⁸ At this time some astrologers came forward and denounced the Jews. ⁹ They said to King Nebuchadnezzar, “O king, live forever! ¹⁰ You have issued a decree, O king, that everyone who hears the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music must fall down and worship the image of gold, ¹¹ and that whoever does not fall down and worship will be thrown into a blazing furnace. ¹² But there are some Jews whom you have set over the affairs of the province of Babylon—Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego—who pay no attention to you, O king. They neither serve your gods nor worship the image of gold you have set up.” ¹³ Furious with rage, Nebuchadnezzar summoned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. So these men were brought before the king, ¹⁴ and Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up? ¹⁵ Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?”

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

¹⁹ Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual ²⁰ and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. ²¹ So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. ²² The king’s command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, ²³ and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.

²⁴ Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?” They replied, “Certainly, O king.” ²⁵ He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” ²⁶ Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, “Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!” So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, ²⁷ and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.

²⁸ Then Nebuchadnezzar said, “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king’s command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. ²⁹ Therefore I decree that the people of any nation or language who say anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego be cut into pieces and their houses be turned into piles of rubble, for no other god can save in this way.” ³⁰ Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the province of Babylon.

I can't help it; I really do love that story. I just wanted to share that with you today!

a free post in my dashboard

2010-12-29T08:00:00.004-05:00

So after scheduling today's post yesterday, I saw in my "dashboard" a draft for a post that I started writing in October! When I started reading it, I knew exactly why I was writing it and can luckily remember enough details to finish the story. So that takes care of at least one future post for me! I just have to take the time to finish writing it.

I've also been saving a post in my reader as unread so that I could write a post about that. So I finally copied and pasted it over here to try and speed up that process. Not to mention it also gives me the freedom to not have to constantly click "Keep Unread" every time I scroll by it...

So this post will make day three, plus the two mentioned above, which brings us up to five posts! That's almost as much as I've posted this whole year!!!

I have a lot I *need* to write about as well, so that should be worth at least another week. In addition to all of that, I've been invited to participate in the "One Word" thingy by Bethany, which is vaguely intriguing to me. Hmmm.... maybe I'll be a writer when I grow up?

P.S. @Pete - I love it when you're random. It's the glue that binds all of us together!

way too cold...

2010-12-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

...to put laundry away!

I had set the laptop aside to get dressed and get a little housework done. Since a lot of what I've got at the top of my to-do list hinges on getting my laundry put away, and my office (where my clothes are) is currently an ice-box of death, it turns out I've got time to start another post after all.

I really do need to get that damn office cleaned out. Since starting the planning and implementation of the Christmas concert at church, my office has spiraled out of control! The guest bed is piled with clutter of all sorts: books to be shared/donated, music the choir has performed that needs to be filed away, music that needs to updated/arranged/listened to/copied/distributed for future performances, files to be filed, files to be sorted/shredded/set aside to start another pile somewhere else, CD boxes that need to be tucked back into their obscure corners, etc. ad infinitum... Let's not forget that the bed itself needs to be stripped and taken apart to be donated to someone, somewhere, at some point in the near future...

Since I'm so limited on space in that office, our guest bed is going to be given away and replaced with an air bed (post-Thanksgiving sale, baby!) that can be folded up and stored in a closet. While I've lived here, that bed has been used on a total of two occasions, aside from when I was sick, so I think it will be safe to rid myself of the damn thing. Hopefully once I get everything that is currently hiding under the bed put into a new storage location, I'll have enough floor space to move around and *gasp* actually get some work done in my office from time to time!

For now, I'll settle for getting all the debris cleared off...

don't get all excited or anything

2010-12-27T09:14:00.003-05:00

Those of you that know me are aware that I'm not a huge fan of New Year's Resolutions. I think making a conscious effort to improve yourself and the world around you is a good thing no matter what day it is, yet the once-a-year, make-myself-a-new-and-improved-(wo)man crap bothers me. I don't know if it's just the added strain we put on ourselves to follow through with our intentions or what, but New Year's goals tend to feel a bit heavier and more oppressive. Which of course stresses you out more and then you end up throwing a bit more guilt into the mix. It's just an all-around ugly experience in my opinion.

So, all that being said (written?), I really am going to try and be more intentional about blogging again. It's something I have enjoyed in the past, and has proven helpful in many situations. Not to mention it's a great way to communicate with far-flung friends and family members.

I have particular reasons for feeling like I need to write more now, which I'll cover eventually. For now, suffice it to say I've got the time and the desire. I just have to be more intentional about not writing a novella one day and then nothing for a week. I've got to shorten these posts a bit and schedule them to post later so that I don't "have" to write everyday if I get busy or just don't want to.

I'm not sure how far I'll get today. The little Christmas tree Cody and I bought to put up on the mantle out of reach of the dogs decided to take a tumble last night. Ironically enough, the reason we did that was to save our ornaments from destruction by these crazy dogs and their impromptu wrestling matches. Luckily we only lost two ornaments, despite a fall from about 4 feet.

So even though I had intended to leave the tree up through the weekend since we put it up late this year, I'm now going to be taking the tree down today. Most of the ornaments came off in the crash, so rather than take the time to re-hang them, I'm just going to put them away. I never got around to putting all the boxes back in the attic last week anyway, so getting those out of the way will be nice too.

I'm not promising anything, but hopefully I'll knock out at least a few posts this week and get them all scheduled to run this week...

Oh, and Merry Christmas!

for he's a jolly-good fe-e-low...

2010-09-25T22:00:00.003-04:00

...which nobody can deny!

So Cody and I will be headed south to Cinci in a couple of hours, but I wanted to write this before we leave. See, part of the reason we're headed down there is to celebrate the sale of Pete's store, and his big move and new start.

The idea of a surprise celebration dinner was thrown into the ring, and being the lover of food that I am, how could I resist. The Ladies Linn have suggested that during this dinner, we all talk about how awesome Pete is and give little mini-speeches extolling his virtues and talking about how proud of him we are. A wonderful idea, in my book!

Since I'm horrible about remembering all the things I want to say when I get put on the spot, I wanted to get it all saved here just in case. Not to mention, it gives all of YOU the opportunity to tell Pete how awesometastic he is as well!!!

In the few short years I have known him, Pete has grown by leaps and bounds. He has had so many struggles and issues to deal with, and yet come out swinging and on top every time! Upon first meeting, most would assume that Pete is shy and reserved. Little do they know, he is one of the most tenacious people I know.

After college, he was stuck in a terrible work environment, but he was working in his field of study, and let's face it -- the economy and job market haven't been great to our generation thus far! Upon hearing that a carry-out store in his hometown was up for sale, Pete decided he deserved more and pushed, pulled, prodded and pried his way into a new life as a store owner and businessman.

He could give you a laundry list of all the drama, hiccups and bills he went through during this period of life, but if you ask anyone close to him, they would poo-poo that right away. Not that he hasn't suffered more than his fair share of hard knocks, but he certainly did more good than bed in those years.

Despite going it alone and not having much financial backing, Pete was able to keep his business afloat for several years before deciding it was time to move on. He outlasted a lot more trials than I think most of us would. I know that I, for certain would have thrown in the towel a long, long time ago! Not Pete, though! He kept the business going, worked another job outside of there to keep the lights on, dealt with surly customers and immature employees for years because it was his dream, and he wanted it to thrive.

Even when the economy got worse, and pretty much crippled his business, he kept his heart in it and busted himself up physically and mentally on a daily basis to keep the doors open. He continued to remodel, rehab, and refurbish an outdated and challenging building. Yet he kept his focus on the customer and the goal the entire time.

He never forgot his dream, nor did he give up on it. He kept pushing until he could push no more, and then pushed some more. To the detriment of his health, Pete would get very little sleep and still manage to work two jobs.

Unfortunately, all the extra hours and stress eventually started to take a physiological toll on Pete at the same time. Though he never walked away, those nearest and dearest to him started to voice their concern, and eventually got through to Pete that something had to give, and it couldn't be him!

After a lot of heartbreaking consideration and soul-searching, Pete realize his time in that store was done. He had followed his passion to the end of it's road, and even though the destination looked different than he had thought it would when he set out on his journey, he was still a success. He had lived his dream; now it is time to move on to other dreams.

In the midst of all of this, Pete experienced a lot of other outside drama as well. Some directly affected him, and some only affected him indirectly. All of it wore Pete down to the point of throwing his hands in the air and giving up, but he Never. Did.

So while I've only touched the tip of the iceberg of your awesomeness, Pete, I want to let you know how very proud of you I am. You've been kicking ass and slaying dragons since I've known you, and I know you've got farther to go. I'm excited to see you at the start of yet another dream being fulfilled!!!

ick

2010-09-12T19:34:00.002-04:00

So I'm sitting here in the living room, all kicked back in my pajamas and reading blogs and such; not enough energy to do "X", and not enough time to start project "Y" or finish project "Z". I got through all the posts that I wanted to read, and all that was left were the more tedious posts that I just don't have the energy to trudge through tonight. Then I had an epiphany: I could write my very own tedious blog post!

Unfortunately, my enthusiasm was short-lived since while waiting for my Blogger dashboard to load, I made the mistake of looking at the weather forecast. To know me is to know that I hate, nay despise being cold. It sucks the life and energy right out of me. Now it seems that autumn is upon us in all it's colorful splendor and that means the long-sleeves, sweatshirts, jackets and such need to be drug out to the front of the closets. So long Hawaiian print short sleeve shirts; hello dry, cracked skin and cold drippy nose.

Ugh. My muscles ache just thinking about all the shivering I'll be enduring soon. The house will be sealed up and stale within a few weeks, and the only play time I'll get in the yard is the unceremonious hacking down of the foliage in the flower beds. There's raking leaves to look forward to as well, but as much as I love blisters on my hands and shivering and sweating at the same time, I'm just tired of it.

The whole thing is so annoying, really. I shouldn't be such a Gloomy Gus, since I know there are so many people around here that don't have warm clothes or a safe place to sleep. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but - Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sad thing is, I'm starting to get attached to some and the people and places around here. I can't see giving up our church and the family we've formed there. Not that it matters, as Cody is quite adamant that moving out of the state to head to a warmer climate is just not an option for him. I haven't gotten to the point where being warm is more important than him (yet), so I guess we'll be staying together in Ohio for the long haul.

I would still love to buy a huge piece of property in the mountains down south and go all John-Boy Walton. Well, I guess that's a bad example since he ached to get off of Walton's mountain to be a writer in the big city. I think I'd make a good Olivia though. Not that I want to be a woman and wear a dress, but I think I'd do a pretty good job of holding down the fort.

Cody thinks I'm insane, and while that point is certainly debatable, I am unanimous in this! I love the mountains and all that entails. I can't imagine being retired and growing old in the city. When I think of my old age, I think of a secluded life in the mountains, surrounded by nature and only what I really need. How I would love to live that dream now, but unfortunately the days of trading pelts in town for your staples are long gone.

I long to roam the forests and glens, the peaks and valleys. I yearn for the comfort of a quilt and a roaring fire, my man and my dogs at my side. To spend my days taking care of my own property instead of building the fortunes of others. Cutting my own wood rather than paying a corrupt system to deliver what little is left of the earth's more precious commodities.

See? I already sound like a grizzled old codger, so I may as well go with it, right?

le sigh

2010-08-27T19:50:00.001-04:00

I heart Robbie Williams

i feel

2010-08-22T07:50:00.002-04:00

Overwhelmed.

My mind never stops. The wheels just keep turning and turning, and I don't think they'll ever stop. Even when I sleep, my brain goes 1,0000 mph, denying me the rest I so desperately want and need.

Disappointed.

The medication that the shrinky-dink prescribed to help me achieve more restful sleep doesn't appear to have any affect on me whatsoever - good or bad.

Aggravated.

I've been able to view all the test results from the blood work that the shrinky-dink ordered via my HMO's website. Nothing too low; nothing too high. It's good that I'm healthy in that way, but frustrating that what the Doc thought would be a simple explanation turned out to be inaccurate.

Lazy.

I can spend untold hours outside working in the yard, abusing my body to the point of being sore for days afterward. Yet for some reason, I have to force myself to do simple things like loading/unloading the dishwasher or folding and putting away laundry.

Anxious.

Yeah, well... I have anxiety/panic disorder, so this isn't really a shock. I seem to turn the most mundane things into insurmountable obstacles.

I'm anxious about a fairly important choir practice this afternoon. It will be the first and only time the choir gets to practice a song together to be performed next week. It is also the first time that the regular musicians from the church will be practicing with us.

I'm anxious about the work week. I'm 95% sure that I won't have to work on Friday, which makes a big dent in the number of days I have to get myself out the door. Since I'm on 2nd shift this week, my trepidation stems from knowing that the majority of my bad, can't make it to work cause I'm freaking out about even crossing the sidewalk days have been when I'm on this shift. I have too much time before leaving for work to get myself all worked up.

I'm anxious about seeing old friends in a couple of weeks for the first time since I moved to Cleveland. Not to mention meeting a bunch of strangers at a party.

I'm anxious because I'm anxious. I hate feeling this way, and I always feel like it will get worse before it gets better - often times a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes when I feel like I'm circling the drain, I get so tired of fighting the current and want to just let myself go. It's so exhausting sometimes that it's all I can do just to keep afloat, much less try to swim in the other direction.

Tired.

I'm always so tired. If I sit still for more than 15 minutes, I'm almost guaranteed to start nodding off. The pull of sleep is so strong some days that I exhaust myself just trying to fight it. It's a symptom of the depression, but unfortunately it also tends to make it worse when I give in to it. It's also a symptom of not getting enough/restful sleep (see above).

Slacking.

I don't feel like I'm pulling my weight around here right now. My messy house is a good indicator of the rightness of this feeling.

Procrastinating.

I could, of course, start looking for a therapist, whether in or out of my HMO network. That would of course require motivation and the ability to push myself out of my comfort zone with strangers.

Ambivalent.

There have been so many times in the past few months that I could so easily have blown off plans and responsibilities. I just want to say "'Truck' it. I don't care anymore" about so many things in my life. If it weren't for my having to answer to about 16 or so people, not to mention Cody and our Pastor, I probably would have missed more Sunday services and choir practices than not over the last couple of months.

Going out with friends? "Eh."

Making dinner? "Eh. I can just have chips or something."

Making phone calls and/or returning emails? "Eh. Maybe later."

Sad.

Angry.

Scared.

Lonely.

Confused.

Misunderstood.

Frightened.

Useless.

Annoyed.

Annoying.

Needy.

Distant.

Lost.

Sinking.

Helpless.

Hurt.

Defective.

Zombie.

Masochist.

Sadist.

Wow. Now this is a peppy little post, isn't it? What I wouldn't give for 20 minutes of blissful sleep right now. To find out that we won't be able to sing next Sunday, and therefore free to skip church and choir practice today. To lay on my raft in the pool all day, soaking up the sun and napping on and off in the heat of the day.

so what if i cheated just a little...

2010-08-21T06:39:00.002-04:00

...I'm still posting, aren't I?

I've actually just copied and pasted this post out of an email that I sent to a friend, but it's mostly what I would have written here anyway. I thought she deserved better than for me to reply to her email via a blog post, so I sent her an email and I'm giving the rest of you a portion of that. I've got a lot of stuff I would like to accomplish today, and I'd like to get a head start before the heat starts to set in.

"Things" are kind of "eh" lately, but certainly better than they were two weeks ago. I've definitely been closer to up than down this past week, but it's kind of a zombie state with the occasional "manic" episode thrown in for good measure.

Cody has gotten a few good laughs at my expense (out of love, of course). The few times I've been a bit manic and had the time and energy to spare, I've done some insane amounts of work around the house. He says he hates that I have to go through the mood swings, and he worries when I'm depressed, but he can't help appreciating the amount of work I accomplish when I'm spinning on the up-side.

He hasn't hounded me, but he's definitely hovering a little closer, both physically and emotionally. It's sort of nice most of the time. Having coffee and conversation with friends, he'll gently rest his hand on my back just to let me know he's there. Stuff like that.

He did ask yesterday if I had made any progress with finding a counselor, and I was honest in my reply. I told him I was still waiting for the doctor to contact me about my test results before moving forward. I would like to know what, if anything, she'll prescribe as a result of those tests in order to be able to have a more accurate picture of what we're dealing with to make a plan of action with whomever will be shrinking me.

I did see in a little newsletter that my insurance company sends out that they offer classes and support groups for several things. I would be interested in their groups focusing on depression and anxiety, and Cody seemed quite interested in a support group for spouses and family members of people with these issues. I suggested that I could just get therapy by osmosis via him and his class, but he doesn't seem too eager to agree to that arrangement for some reason.

As far as test results go, I've received the results of four out of the five that the shrinky-dink ordered. The main one she was "concerned-ish" about was my vitamin D levels, and while I have gotten those results back, I'm not too clear on what they mean. I get an email notification whenever new test results are available online at their site, but there isn't any information more than my result listed beside the "normal" result desired.

If I'm reading things correctly, the two levels of my vitamin D they checked that my body produces naturally are okay, but maybe on the low side. The third level of vitamin D they checked is way low, but appears it might possibly be a supplemental level. I don't know if that needs to be higher unless my natural levels are low, so I am waiting to here from the doc on that one.

So I'm still kind of in limbo with what's going to happen with the therapy and meds, but I'm hanging in there and just doing my best to go with it. I've been tempted to just go buy OTC vitamin D and see if that helps, but according to the Dr., she would prescribe meds that are 50x the amount the OTC would be. I'm not really into taking 50-plus pills a day, so I'm just trying to be a patient patient. :)

this is MY bench!!!

2010-08-13T07:36:00.003-04:00

So sick Jake and healthy Jake had little contest of wills yesterday - one trying to throw the other off like Clairee and Ouiser fighting over a park bench.

It seems that healthy Jake won this round again! Spending the day working in the sun yesterday (doctor's orders!) seemed to help tremendously. Not only did I get some sun, which hopefully kicked up that vitamin D production we're working on, but I also managed to get some work done, which gave me an added sense of accomplishment to help my overall mood and disposition.

-- Apparently my subconscious has decided to try and un-seat Bethany from the throne of longest run-on sentence ever composed by mortal hands. --

I'm feeling quite a bit better this morning than on the past few mornings. Let's hope it stays this way for quite a long while! As much as I love little vacations from work, I do need to make money to pay the bills. Thankfully I had a few hours of overtime last week to help offset the cost of being off this week.

First I need to update everyone on the kitten: When I got off the computer yesterday, I headed out back to check on momma and the baby. They were dry and safe, and I did get a few pictures. Unfortunately, since momma was napping with her body curled around the baby, I didn't get any of the kitten.

At some point an hour or so later, I heard a kitten's cry coming from one of the neighbors - either right next door, or the house beyond that. I thought it odd to have two kittens born in different places and the momma keeping them separate, so I went out back again to check. Sure enough, both mom and the baby were gone. I don't really know why she would have moved over there, except maybe she wanted a bit more shelter than what the little nook she was in could provide.

I'm hoping she's on the patio next door, as that neighbor tends to let things stay overgrown and unkempt. Usually an eyesore, it could come in handy for hiding a baby until it can see and start to fend for itself. On the other side, there is a beagle whom I'm hoping like hell does get the opportunity to turn this kitten into a toy. I will talk to that neighbor today when I get an opportunity, and let him know to keep his eye out for the kitten.

As much as I would love to see this kitten grow up in my yard (I love cats, but can't have them), I'm sort of glad momma decided to relocate. There have been a couple of hawks/falcons flying around lately, and while I love to watch them circle around and ride the thermals so majestically, I know they'd make short work of a kitten. As much as I love nature, there are some things I don't like to see or think about. I can't even watch nature shows on Discovery or Animal Planet without getting shaken up when I see animals, particularly babies, be killed by a predator. Yeah, yeah, Circle of Life and all that, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

To put Tim at ease, I will say this: If intervention in the lives of momma and/or kitten become necessary, they will be placed somewhere they can live a full and happy life. As animal lovers, Cody and I are huge proponents of adoption versus buying from a breeder. As much as I would love to have a couple of particular breeds of dog, consumerism and our sense of entitlement as a culture have created a dastardly and inhumane world for these animals. We're basically breeding discomfort, disease and pain into these animals to get the "perfect" animal. So rather than support that, Cody and I adopt mutts who are nowhere near being pedigreed. You'll find no AKC registration papers in this house. Tux and Vanilla were both taken from people who realized they couldn't take care of them in the way they should (God bless them), and Mischief (rest her soul) was rescued from a parking lot in an emaciated state and never claimed by her rightful owner.

Winifred, bless her spastic little ass, was adopted from a nonprofit group that rescues dogs from high-kill shelters and fosters them for as long as necessary until they find a loving home. (Incidentally, Cody's mom's dogs were both rescued from a puppy mill. Now that she is retired and has more free time, she fosters dogs for the same organization which rescued hers. She is quite dedicated to the cause, and way more patient than I. Abused animals come with a LOT of baggage!)

So in short (a bit late for that now, Jake), these kitties will not be taken anywhere they won't be cared for properly. Even though Cody is not a huge fan of cats, he is an animal lover in general, and though he threatens me with some awful things if I were ever to bring a cat home, he would be sure that the animal is well taken care of.

To address Pete's comment... I know the cats of which you speak and how evil they can be. So I'm sure they will pay you back (and then some) for startling them!

Yes, I did decide to stop disabling comments on new posts. The reason I was disabling them is probably too long of an explanation for an already long post, but suffice it to say that I will leave them on so long as I can receive them in a healthy manner. (Besides, you DO have my email and phone number... Just sayin')

Now, the REAL reason I even started a new post this morning (after I've already taken up 14 pages to get to this point), is to sort of respond to a comment that was made outside of Blogger. The comment was made in private, so I won't call anyone out by name, but it was a good point, and one that I felt maybe should be addressed here so that others who may be wondering the same thing would understand as well.

"I find it interesting that you are loathe to go to doctors that over medicate you and see medicine as the only solution and you are grumpy (for lack of a better word) at having a doctor that is taking a wait and see approach before slapping more meds in your mouth."

This is a very valid point, made by someone who has been paying attention! This is not something that escaped my grasp. I have had a hard time forgiving my previous psychiatrist for prescribing medications rather haphazardly, and due to the side effects I suffered as a result of that, I've been extremely anti-medication since.

Making the decision to go back on medication last fall was not one I took lightly at all. If I weren't so lazy, I'd go find the post that describes that a little. Oh hell. Hang on a sec...

Here.

So when Cody and I were sitting in the shrinky-dink's office on Wednesday evening, and she told me that she would be willing to increase the dosage of my Prozac temporarily until everything else straightened out, I had a hard time deciding at first.

See, I still really don't like drugs. I think I have been quite lucky with the one I am on, side effect wise. It was rough in the beginning, but Cody supported me through it. Once the meds had been in my system for a while and I adjusted to them, the side effects started to decrease in both frequency and intensity.

When she offered to increase the dosage, I knew that I would have to go through the process of getting used to them again, with the distinct possibility that a higher dose may cause the side effects to intensify and/or not go away over time. Been there, done that.

The reason that I didn't just say "No" right off the bat though, had a lot to do with desperation. I was on my third day of spiraling downward, and I wanted it to stop at all costs. Not only was I tired of fighting, but I knew that Cody was too. God love him for sticking by me through all of this crap, but the poor man needed a break. He just started a new job and was physically exhausted every single day after work, and I knew that him having to worry too much about how I was doing, whether I was going to work that day or not, how we'd pay the bills if I didn't, and God forbid if I was having suicidal thoughts and not telling him... I knew that was all a lot for him.

So between not being willing to put him through all that again, and not wanting to spiral anymore, I was desperate. I needed something to change, and I needed it NOW. I honestly got to the point where I didn't care what they gave me, I would take it. I would have done anything short of submit to electric shock therapy and just deal with the side effect and ramifications later.

Thankfully, I was scared enough of seeing another shrink who could potentially damage me more than I already was that I took Cody to my appointment with me.

I sure do love that man.

i wonder how long...

2010-08-12T10:31:00.003-04:00

...i can type with my eyes closed and my head resting on the back of the couch before i eventually nod off?

While it seems like a splendid idea, the reality is, I am an adult male over the age of 30, and nap time is no longer a daily occurrence in my life. Naps really aren't very good for me 99% of the time.

Ooh! I just had a fantastic thought!

Coffee!!! - brb

What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, nap time.

See, as it turns out, being sleepy and taking naps is both a symptom of depression for me as well as a catalyst for it. Drowsiness and fatigue are common symptoms, but it took me a while to figure out why, in my particular case, they seem to be a cause as well.

For starters, I think that when I'm super sleepy, it's probably a good indicator that my mood my be dropping a bit. Then when I lay down, I typically have a hard time getting motivated and waking up. Whether it's hitting the snooze button for an hour (or more) or telling Cody "Five more minutes," I'm just not good at waking up. When I finally do wake up, I feel crappy and guilty for sleeping so long. Add in the occasional guilt-trip when I realize how nasty I can be to Cody when he tries to wake me up, and it's easy to see how that can have a negative impact on my mood.

Today, in addition to having to get out of bed WAY earlier than I wanted because Her Royal Highness, Winifred, decided it was time to go outside, I'm just starting to get my legs back under me from being sick. No, it's not the flu or a cold, though either of those would have been like a walk in the park, comparatively speaking.

It was another spell of my favorite old crazy wackadoodle crap. Joy. This time around it kind of cut my legs out from under me, and the shame and embarrassment led me to keep it to myself for far too long. I haven't been to work at all this week, and I allowed my shame to defeat me by allowing Cody to believe that the reason I was home was due to more parts shortages at work.

I decided on Tuesday afternoon that I had had enough. My craziness keeping me from work was nothing new, as it has happened before. When I was paralyzed at the thought of leaving the house to put gas in my truck and get a few essential groceries, I knew something had to give.

I spent a fair amount of time Tuesday afternoon and evening looking up options, treatments, facilities and such on the interwebs. I still couldn't being myself to tell Cody what was going on, but I had every intention of doing something about it on Wednesday morning. As luck would have it, I was able to get a same-day appointment with a new shrinky-dink at 6pm.

Before I made any phone calls however, I forced myself to write a quick email to my Pastor to let him know what was happening and what my intentions were. I knew at that point that I needed to have someone to hold me accountable to my intended goal of getting help.

Hooray! Coffee's done...

Lucky for me, after I had my appointment set and had gotten the ball rolling to obtain leave from work, I noticed that Ms. Bethany was online. Talk about a freaking lifesaver. She whipped my ass into gear in fairly short order and set my straight about letting Cody know what was happening. As much as I hate to hear what she has to say sometimes, it's almost always the truth that I need to hear. Being able to talk to someone who can understand what I'm saying helps, too.

I have a few people in my life that I can talk to about this kind of stuff who are able to relate. Bethany is just the only one I have enough history with (too much history, probably) that I can go to when it's really bad. I can talk to a couple of other people about general things, and while I know they would be able to empathize when I get really low, I just feel more comfortable with her.

Good Lord, could it be more muggy?! Sorry - I'm sweating like a hog just sitting here typing. And to answer your question, I'd still rather have this than be cold.

Now today, as if I didn't feel like enough of a heel for being a whack-job already, I'm dealing with what the shrink told me last night. She feels I have a vitamin deficiency. Apparently when your vitamin D and/or B12 bottoms out, it can cause depression that is not affected by medication. I did not know that.

She ordered some blood work and gave me a prescription for some kind of non-addictive pill to help me sleep better, then sent me on my merry way. I don't mean to imply that it was a little 5 minute visit, but I definitely walked out of there with very mixed emotions.

Here I am on day three of a spaz attack, and I need vitamins? I'm not a huge fan of meds, mostly because of bad experience with a couple I was on before. And while she did offer to up the dosage of my Zoloft while we wait for test results and such, I couldn't believe my ears.

Now, I had taken Cody with me for moral support due to being burned pretty badly by past therapists, so I turned to him as we were leaving to get his impression on how the visit went. According to him, the visit went well. I kept waiting for him to stop her before we left and say, "Now wait a minute. He's been sick for three days to the point of not being able to work, etc. We're not leaving until we get some concrete steps to take blah, blah, blah."

Nope. He likes her and thinks everything is hunky-dory for the time being. We're just waiting to get all the tests results back, and we'll go from there. If I do have a deficiency, I'm assuming she'll write a prescription for vitamin D in a larger dose than what is available over the counter and that will be that. In the meantime, she told me to try and get out in the sun as much as possible in order to trigger my body into producing it naturally.

-- Side note: According to this psychiatrist, everyone in the Cleveland area has a vitamin D deficiency. It's just a matter of how much of a deficiency. --

So far I have gotten my results online for my thyroid and my B12 level, both of which are fine. The doctor said it will take up to 10 days to get results on my vitamin D level, and I don't remember what the 4th vial of blood they took was for.

I just feel like such a massive dork now. I already have a tendency to beat myself up over these episodes, since it's generally hard for people to understand how you can be sick when they don't have anything tangible to go off of. So telling Cody, Bethany and my pastor how messed up I was, only to walk out of the doctors office with a prescription for something to relax me at bedtime and four vials shorter of blood had/has me pretty mixed up.

In addition to all that, I'm always warring in my head when I get sick like this because I don't want to lay around the house and be lazy, but I'm always afraid that if I do "too much," Cody will think I'm just faking being sick.

To top it off, despite my firm belief that we should all do our part to eradicate the stigma surrounding mental health issues, I can't bear the thought of my co-workers and such finding out what's going on. It's easy for me to stick up for the rights of other whackadoodles, but when it comes to talking about my own issues I slam on the brakes like Sonny Bono headed for a tree.

What? Too soon?

It sucks when you're a huge proponent of living openly and authentically and then having to struggle with something like this. It feels so deeply personal and embarrassing, but I know that if more people would just speak a little more freely about their own struggles, it wouldn't be so bad for the next guy or gal.

Crap. Almost noon and I've done nothing so far today. I did take my paperwork in to work this morning, so I got that going for me. Cody had to schedule a service guy to come out and work on our garage door this afternoon because they don't work late enough for them to come out after he's home. So I've got that to look forward to as well. Let me tell you, finding out I had to answer the door and explain the problem to some random stranger when all I want to do is play turtle and hide from the world was not the highlight of my day yesterday. Since the job Cody is at right now has the potential to last up to 3-4 months though, it wouldn't be fair of me to refuse and make him miss work. Lord knows that man puts up with enough of my craziness already.

The shrinky-dink gave me the rest of the week off of work to get my feet back on the ground and learn to walk again, which was pretty cool of her to do. Judging by how hard it was to walk into work just long enough to turn in my forms, I'm pretty glad she did though. Thank God that someone at my place of employment was smart enough to fill the FMLA benefits coordinator position with the woman they did. It may not seem like much to someone in HR who is just trying to put a warm body in a chair, but when you are already having a rough go of it, walking into that office and being treated with genuine kindness makes all the difference in the world.

So now I have the rest of today and tomorrow to "relax and get as much sun as possible," which despite my trepidation of her diagnosis, is a pretty cool prescription to get from your doctor. The evil part of me wants to milk it for all it's worth and go lay on my raft in the pool all day eating bon-bons. If Cody says anything, I can just look at him and say, "I'm just following the doctor's orders!"

In reality, however, I know that I need to "do stuff" to get better. Kind of practicing being normal, I guess. It looks as though the sun may be out to stay for at least a little while, so I'm thinking I should probably go outside and try to do a little work in the yard. That way I'm following doctor's orders, but not being a worthless slug in the meantime.

I really would love to go hop in the pool, especially considering how muggy it is right now, but with the garage door guy due to arrive at any time now, I'd better not. Not to mention one of the stray cats in the neighborhood decided to seek shelter behind the garage where the pool is to have a kitten. I scared it yesterday when I went out there and it took off. Well, I should say we scared each other. I didn't see it until it ran away.

I'm sort of angry at the damn thing though. It took off without so much as hissing at me to try and warn me away from it's baby. I've never seen a kitten that young in real life before. It is absolutely adorable, but sad at the same time since it is so helpless. It was trying to crawl around on the ground, mewing for it's momma, and the poor things eyes aren't even open yet.

You know damn good and well my first instinct was to "rescue" it. I know there is no way that Cody would let me keep it though, and I can't bear the thought of getting attached to the poor thing and then having to give it up. So I didn't mess with it at all.

I walked back over to the patio to keep an eye out until I was sure momma came back before I went back in the house. The little shit did the same thing when Cody walked back there later to see it. No warning, no hissing; just took off and abandoned her baby to what could have been a predator.

I did get Cody to agree that if the momma totally abandoned the kitten or it was in imminent danger for any other reason that I could try to protect it until we could take it to a shelter or something.

I haven't been back there yet this morning, but I will go check it out shortly. We got some rain last night, and I'm hoping momma was smart enough to pull her baby into shelter. I don't want to chase the mom away again, so I've learned to sneak around the corner so that I don't startle her. I creep just far enough to see that she's there and then go back in the house. I'll take my camera back with me today just in case she's not there, but I won't chase it off on purpose just to get a photo. So depending on how negligent mom is feeling, I may be able to get a shot or two of it. Hopefully it's eyes aren't open yet, cause if the little booger sees me and comes towards me with that pitiful mewing, I'm going to end up spending the afternoon trying to find a way to hide it in my office without Cody or the dogs (yeah right) hearing it...

achy jake

2010-07-31T07:54:00.003-04:00

The good news is that I was able to scratch two items off of my list yesterday. I Mulched the new bushes that we planted a few months ago, as well as the row of bushes by the "dog area" and around the rose that a friend gave us as an anniversary gift. I also managed to head out to Chesterland with Cody last night to pick up our friends truck. Oh, and I almost forgot! I picked up my niece's birthday present, too.

So all that weeding that needed to be done didn't get done. That laundry basket full of clothes that needs to be put away is still balance precariously on the knee wall at the top of the stairs. My office? Still a complete and utter mess.

I, in my infinite wisdom, decided that yesterday would be the *perfect* time to tackle another project that has been on my "want to" list for quite some time. I completely rehabbed the "island" flower bed in the middle of the back yard. My crazy ass dug out every plant (except for a 98% dead Japanese maple), turned the soil, and replanted (almost)everything.

I. Am. Sore.

While not 100% what I would want, I think it turned out halfway decent. I have issues with some of the plants that we have (mostly due to the frequency of thinning needed, which is what spurred this project), but as they are some of Cody's favorites, I used quite a bit of them in the re-planting. It looks a little odd, especially since the majority of the plants are done blooming. So, just like years past, I will eagerly be awaiting spring so I can see how nature takes what I have done and adds it's own spice.

I now have three buckets full of extra gladiolas and two buckets full of coreopsis to rid myself of. I did reuse the coreopsis in a couple of areas, but since it spreads like mad, I didn't need to use much. The gladiolas were pretty much the main reason I dug the bed out. They were so thick that when I replanted them, I used less than a quarter of what I had, and that's actually more than I personally would have liked, but as this is another of Cody's beds that I have taken over, I have to respect his preferences in the plants I use.

All that shoveling, digging, kneeling, stooping, stretching, hoeing, raking, re-digging, planting and stooping some more has had a seriously negative effect on my body. Not only am I not used to that kind of work for that duration of time, but I am SO out of shape. I keep *intending* to work out with my Tai Chi DVD on a regular basis, but haven't followed through on that. I also have a couple of youtube videos bookmarked on my computer for doing some relatively simple at-home workouts. So far the most energy I've spent on those is moving the mouse to "Add Bookmark".

Luckily, today will involve a lot of sitting and not too much physical exertion. Unfortunately, that also means more time for my muscles to tighten up even more. So I'll definitely be trying to stretch a bit throughout the day.

This morning we'll be heading to downtown Cleveland for "Open Air in Market Square" to man the first shift at our church's informational booth. We're then headed off to Fremont to see my family. We'll go to Josh's first to pick up a truckload of sandstone pavers that he has been saving for us (hence borrowing our friends pickup truck). Then we'll be off to mom & dad's to celebrate my birthday and my niece's birthday. We're doing it a bit early this year, since between our schedule and mom & dad's schedule, it had to be either this weekend or not until the end of August.

I'm kind of excited. I usually don't care too much about birthday's (except the years that a true realization of my age sneaks up behind me), but this will be the first time that I'll be able to celebrate my birthday with my family including Cody by my side. It's also the first time that Cody will be with both mom & dad and Josh's family at the same time. My nieces are enamored with him, so hopefully mom and dad have gotten comfortable enough with all of this that their reaction to seeing him won't be an issue.

I'm not too concerned since we'll be going to Josh's first and they'll be able to get most of the screaming out of their system. Not to mention that when we're at Mimi and Papa's, the girls pretty much want to play on the computer or the X-box.

Speaking of the girls, I still have to wrap those presents before we leave, and I'm not even close to having everything else ready to go. I think that means I need to stop typing and get my sore ass off this couch.

...and yes, by the way, I do intend to get some pictures up soon. For those who just can't wait, head to my Flickr page...

free at last

2010-07-30T07:41:00.003-04:00

Well it only took 5 days of busting my hump, but I finally managed a day off from my days off!!! I've been pretty busy since Saturday, and while I haven't managed to check off a whole lot of items on my "To do" list for this vacation, I have accomplished a lot of things on my long-term goal list.

My vacation ramped up into high gear first thing on Friday night. Cody and I had the pleasure of attending a local independent theater's production of "Rent: School Edition". The cast was comprised of teenagers, and their were a few minor tweaks to content and language, but for all intents and purposes, it was the same show I've come to know and love.

The only drawback (other than some sound issues that I hope were corrected after opening night) was the heat! The theater company rents a space on the third floor of an old brick building (part of a church complex), which means no A/C. Those of you who know me know that I don't like air conditioning all that much, but Friday was certainly an exception.

We were sweating our asses off, and I felt so bad for the actors, as the play is set mostly in winter in NYC, so their wardrobe consisted of winter clothes - including coats and scarves! Not to mention the musicians and techs were sitting up near the ceiling... Those poor people were soaking in their own sweat all night!

Saturday went well. I mentioned in my previous post that I was working on a big surprise project and was planning to attend a birthday celebration. I got the necessary work done on the choir project in order to hand out music and have mp3s to play for practice on Sunday, thankfully.

The birthday celebration was a hoot. Great food, awesome friends, and learning a lot about the people I've grown to love as well as a few exciting bits of our denomination's history.

Sunday was started with church and choir practice, and by the time I got home, I was whooped. I had stayed up later than usual to finish up choir music, and unfortunately woke up way too early without being able to fall back asleep. I think that I was in the house, stripped to my skivvies, and in bed asleep within 10 minutes of pulling in the driveway.

My nap lasted a bit longer than I had intended, but I felt so much better when I woke up. Of course I had to hit the ground running and get some shopping done that afternoon. By the time I got back home from running errands and had dinner, the day was pretty well over.

We had a bit of a false start getting out of the house on Monday morning, but we eventually made it to the zoo sometime around 11am. A friend of ours met us there, and overall we had a pretty good time. Unfortunately, I was going on day three of a mid-grade headache, which made the day difficult at times, but I was determined not to let it ruin the day for Cody and Rick.

After the zoo, we went to Edgewater Park and walked the beach for a while. Talk about nasty. Our lake is filthy, people. We seriously need to work on that. And for all the exposes on the news about that park being a gay cruising area, the only questionable behavior we saw involved a man and a woman. Luckily what we saw was far enough away from any children, as the beach wasn't too heavily populated on this particular evening. While this "gentleman" may have enjoyed being serviced with a view of the waves rolling on shore, I was a little put off by the fact that they didn't bother to go behind anything. They were tucked back into the tree line, but there was nothing to block the dead-on view. Options for freaking them out were discussed amongst the three of us, but we decided to play it safe and not approach or say anything.

We then moved on to a restaurant in the area that is quite popular, and therefore had to wait over an hour and a half for a table. Talk about frustrating. It was after 9pm by the time we got our food. We won't be going back there that late anytime soon! The food was really good, but I don't know that it's so good I'd be willing to wait that long to go back.

Tuesday was just freakin' awesome. We went to visit Stan Hywet Hall and Gardens, and even though it took a lot out of both Cody and I physically, it was well worth it. It is quite a beautiful place to visit!!!

Wednesday was a bit odd. I managed to get a little work done around the house before we headed off to have lunch with our Pastor. After lunch, I shut myself in the Pastor's conference room and sorted through a file drawer of old choir music. After having gotten about as far as I wanted for the day, I was ready to go, but Cody and one of the other guys had started a big labor-intensive project, and they wanted to get a bit further before calling it a day, so I was "stuck" there for a while.

I had been planning for a couple of months to try and make time to sort through several boxes of old music that were stored up in the seldom-used gym balcony. Since I was going to have to wait around for who knows how long, I decided to dive into that. Suffice it to say that the project ended up being a bit more involved than I thought, and I spent several hours working on it again yesterday.

I had to run out and pick a few things up before heading to the church to work, and while I was out I finally got the Starbuck's I have been craving since the beginning of my vacation.

By the time I got home and let the dogs out and mowed the lawn, I had just enough time to have a few PB&J sandwiches and then head right back out the door. Cody and I were at the foodbank last night for a couple of hours sorting through food with our couples group. We were both so exhausted when we got home that even though we wanted to sit and watch a movie together, we were having trouble staying awake and decided to hit the sack.

Which brings us to today! I kind of want to head back over to the church so that I can try to finish the project I started, but Cody and I have decided we need a day to be home before this vacation is over. Granted, I've got a lot of house and yard work to get done, but at least I'll be at home.

Other than heading out to pick up a friend's truck later this evening, we have no need or desire to leave our property today. I'm hoping to be able to get some tangible work done around here, but I also want to be able to relax a bit too. I guess we'll hust have to wait and see...

already sweating at 7am

2010-07-24T07:10:00.002-04:00

...but don't get me wrong. I'd much rather be sweating than shivering any day! A lot of times, in mid-winter when I complain about the cold/snow, people will say, "You'll be wishing it was this cold/snowy in July when it's 90 degrees out!"

To them I say, "Pi-shah. I have no desire to get back to winter, or ever spring for that matter."

Besides all that, I'm off work until next Monday, so it's definitely all good. This week is our summer shut-down at work, and I'm loving the fact that I don't have to go in for a week! I could potentially be busier over the next 9 days than if I were at work, but when I'm busy doing things on my own list versus "working", it's SO much better.

I've got a lot to get done today, and I hope I can accomplish it! I have the pleasure of being able to attend a birthday open house for a dear friend this afternoon, and I'm really looking forward to it. The only problem is that the other REALLY BIG item on my "To Do" list for today absolutely must be at least 99% complete by bedtime! Since I don't know for sure how long I will be gone today, I have no idea how much time I'll have to work on this project tonight. Which means I've got to bust my butt this morning to knock out as much as possible.

It's a project for the choir at church, and while I'm excited about all of it, there is an aspect of surprise surrounding one of the items on the agenda that has me quite geeked! I'll not mention it here, for fear of the possibility of anything being given away to the wrong person(s).

All that being said, I really need to get off the laptop and get my ass upstairs to the sweat lodge I call my office. I'll have to make a quick detour for a towel though, because I'm quite sure that I'll be needing it!

le sigh

2010-06-26T07:14:00.002-04:00

What a fah-reek-ing week. A lot has happened, a lot has changed, with more changes to come. I'm writing for a host of reasons, though I have no idea where I'm going with this. First off, I have to mention that I have deleted my facebook account. I want to start there because I know that the handful of people who read this blog will eventually notice my absence there and be wondering what's going on.

The decision to delete my profile was not made lightly, nor in haste. I've felt the pull of facebook and the sense of affirmation I seek there growing stronger and stronger of late, and I finally started to realize that not only had it become an unhealthy addiction for me, it was also becoming a crutch as well. Even when I had nothing to say myself, or anything to say on the status updates of my friends, I "had" to be logged in and checking it constantly. I needed affirmation that people found me funny or witty. I needed the sympathy, the love, the interaction. It was becoming quite unhealthy.

When I went to conference, I decided to not log into facebook at all, even though I did post the occasional picture or status update from my phone. Due to the settings on my account, I was receiving emails notifying me of photo comments and messages people left directly on my wall or in my inbox, but other than that, I was free from the chains of needing to log in.

When I finally logged back in last weekend and scrolled through a couple of pages to see what I had "missed", I finally realized that I really and truly hadn't missed anything. There were the occasional updates involving "real" life and "real" news, but for the most part it was just the same random stuff like always. Not that I'm judging the content of what my friends have posted, as I'm probably more guilty than most in the mindless drivel department. It just took a week away from it to realize that the connectedness that I thought i felt was for the most part false.

I've also realized over the last few weeks just how very much time I waste on the computer in general. I have unsubscribed from a lot of blogs in the last 2-3 weeks to keep from spending too much time seeking out entertainment in my false worlds rather than quality time and relationships in my real world.

I've not been healthy in the head as of late, and I felt that taking a step (or several) back from the little online world I had created myself was essential. After some of the events of the past week, it became clear to me that the idea of deleting my facebook account was a crucial step in my journey towards wholeness and peace of mind.

When the "last straw" occurred a few days ago, I admit that I was angry when I went through the process of deleting the account. In the peace of a new day and a fresh perspective, I realized what I had done and reactivated my profile (it takes 14 days for your account to be totally deleted once you start the ball rolling, and signing back in during that time reactivates everything). It took less than 12 hours for me to realize that even though the final decision was made at a time of anger and emotional unrest, the decision was still the right one to make.

It has been odd since that time, as I'm used to being able to interact with people whom I otherwise have no means of connection. I miss a few of them terribly, and will probably continue to do so. Yet the people who matter most to me are able to contact me or vice versa through email or telephone anyway. It may take a while to adjust, but I will be fine in the long run.

I have also decided to adjust some other things in my life that were causing stress or strife as well, but out of respect to those people which it affects, I'm going to refrain from saying much about all of that until such a time as I am able to give them a personal explanation for my decisions.

At any rate, the Cleveland Gay Pride Parade and Festival is today, and I have a lot to do before I leave. I'll be marching in the parade with my church, as well as helping to babysit the booth for a period of time. I'm looking forward to a bit of frivolity and entertainment today.

God knows I need to lighten up a bit...

it's a hard-knock life

2010-06-16T08:31:00.003-04:00

Seriously gang, it just doesn't get much worse. I've got the whole week off of work, which if you know me well, you know how much I love going into the shop every day. I'm stuck in Columbus, OH with a large group of friends from my church attending our Ohio District Adult Conference. To make matters worse, when I decided to update my blog this morning, the most relaxing spot I could find to sit and type was just outside the sliding glass door of our room, in a lounge chair that overlooks the hotel pool.

I just don't know how I'll ever survive this torture until Friday afternoon!

In all honesty though, other than the few boring or less-appealing parts of the day down here, this week is already going by too quickly. I'm used to the whirlwind vacations that Cody plans going by super quick, mostly because there is always something to do all day long, and they're always enjoyable. I knew that our "free time" from conference in the afternoons would go quickly while we were hanging out with some awesome people. I just didn't realize the WHOLE week would fly by like this!!!

One big down-side is that Cody and I are in a completely different hotel than the rest of the participants from our church. We were "forced" to look for a different hotel since the "official" hotel that the conference partnered up with for a group rate didn't have any smoking rooms. In addition to that, even with the group rate, we're still getting a much better deal where we're at. We're just a couple minutes farther out in the opposite direction from the other hotel, it's much cheaper, and seems to be nicer in my opinion. The other hotel is newer, but ours has been kept up quite well, so I'm happy with the choice we made. Not to mention that, with Cody still not working, a cheaper hotel (provided it's a clean and decent one) will definitely take priority over being with the rest of the group.

So far the conference has been pretty cool. There are definite pluses and minuses to it, but overall I'm pleased we decided to attend. The best part for me is getting to know a handful of friends a bit better, followed closely by the class I chose to take. We can take up to two additional classes each morning, and Cody and I decided to only take one so that we could spend a little more time relaxing before we leave each morning. This is our vacation in addition to a conference, so even though we don't have big enough blocks of time to do some other things we might have liked to do, we are trying to make the most of it and get the best of both worlds.

I enjoyed the Bible study yesterday morning, and look forward to the remaining sessions, but unfortunately Cody was a little less impressed. He may take that time to kind of meander and meditate for the rest of the week, but I'm not sure.

I decided to join the conference choir at the urging of a couple of friends as well. While there have been a few frustrating points that I won't go into out of respect for a couple of people whom I otherwise like quite well, it's been kind of nice to sing in a choir again. Plus we get to keep our music and take it back to our congregations! Since recently taking the interim choir director position at church, I've been looking for some ideas and music, and I'll definitely be utilizing one or two of these new songs.

The evening vesper speaker has been getting some kind of mixed reviews so far, and I have to say that I haven't quite made my mind up yet. I know that I haven't gotten anything out of it that I've taken to heart to walk away with as of yet, but hopefully the matters he's spoken of will be seated somewhere in my heart or subconscious to still be somewhat effective in my life at a later point.

Cody and I went to the other hotel during free time yesterday to hang out with a few of our friends and go swimming in their pool. It was actually quite nice. We had a chance to talk amongst ourselves without anyone being called away for this, that or the other. I know that our Pastor really enjoyed it. I think that's the longest I've been around him without someone coming to him with something that needed his attention or his phone going off. Pastors need to relax, too ya' know!

This afternoon we'll be headed out as a group to visit the shops and such on High St. It's supposed to be a nice little eclectic row of mom & pops, novelty and kitschy stores. It's a bit of a tradition for our congregation and they all seem to have really enjoyed it in the past, so I'm looking forward to it!

I think several of us may skip dinner tonight at the conference and go out to eat, as fish is on the menu, and most of us are either not into it or indifferent enough to be willing to skip it for something a little better with the group.

Alas, Mr. Man has just reminded me of the time. I need to shave and shower so we can head out in time for our first session.

waiting 8 years for one meal

2010-05-30T21:25:00.002-04:00

Well, gang, what do I say? Where do I even begin to start? Oh... I know!

Thank you!

Thanks to each and every one of my friends, family members, church family who have so lovingly and graciously been so supportive the last couple of days. All the prayers, kind words of encouragement, hugs, knowing glances with a glimmer in the eye... All of it. Every single thing helped boost Cody and I up these past two days.

The true love and devotion that you have all shown leaves me awestruck. I can't even begin to tell all of you how vital you have been to Cody and I making it through this weekend without pulling our hair out. I can assure that every kind thought, word or prayer was truly felt deeply. You all helped carry us through, and I can not thank you enough.

As far as the actual meeting itself, there is really not much to tell. I was a bit uncomfortable when we first got there, as Cody's nervousness translated into a LOT of talking. I feared he was trying to hard, but if mom and dad thought anything negative of it, it certainly didn't show.

We just sort of chit-chatted a bit while browsing the menu and waiting for our food. Talk slowed down a bit as we all started to dig in to our meals, and then we chatted a little while longer while waiting for the check.

Mom asked Cody about work (*gulp*), and he handled it quite well. He didn't lie about being unemployed, and made a great point of sharing all the volunteering that he's been doing without going far enough to feel immodest.

To be honest, I think Cody and my parents talked more than I did (which I'm totally okay with). There were no uncomfortable questions about our relationship; nothing was mentioned about how this was such a momentous occasion in our lives. It just was.

As we were saying goodbye in the parking lot, my mom actually gave Cody a big hug! She told him that she really was trying, and I know that was an enormous step for her. Cody told her how very much it meant to him and to us, and was finally able to properly express his gratitude, in person, for the prayers and support that they gave while his Dad was sick and after he died. I think that between the hug and being able to get that out finally, he was overjoyed.

So while it is and was a very big deal, it really was just one meal and a bit of conversation. But it was also the biggest step taken by any of the four of us since I came out to them 8 years ago.

Thanks again, guys. You truly are very dear to Cody and I.

it has finally arrived

2010-05-29T09:35:00.002-04:00

You know that day that we all talk about? The one where you suddenly feel like a "real" grown-up? I finally had mine. It was sometime in the last week, and I'm not sure exactly what time on what day that I made the transition, but I realized last night that I may finally crossed that threshold.

First, let me say that updating this damn thing more regularly really IS on my priority list. I enjoy sharing a lot of things on here, and would like to get back into the habit of doing so on a more consistent basis. Not to mention, getting some of the not-so-pleasant stuff off of my chest is quite helpful to me most of the time.

That being said, a lot has happened since last we talked. First of all, the anti-racism team at church, which is the group responsible for getting the new choir started, asked me to be the interim choir director until we find someone permanent (and more qualified!), and I accepted the offer. We had already had our big debut at the church talent show a month prior, but Pastor Allen wanted us to sing the song again this past Sunday for the entire congregation. It was a bit stressful, mostly due to technical issues (like the fact that our woefully inadequate sound system is even more inadequate than I had realized - no monitors on stage!), but when all was said and done, I think the choir did an excellent job.

I'm a little stressed right now since we'll only have two practices to learn I song that I've never even heard before. Our first stab at it will be tomorrow, so sometime tonight I have to sit down and get music printed out and such, all while listening to it over and over so that I can be of some use to the choir tomorrow.

I'm also a little freaked out about what will be happening after choir practice tomorrow. Cody and I are headed to Sandusky to have dinner. With. My. Parents.

I'll give you a minute.

When I had mentioned to mom in an email that Cody and I were not going to be camping this weekend, she called to see if we would be available to meet up on Sunday. I knew that this day was coming, and had started to finally process that something I didn't think would ever be a possibility was now an inevitability. I didn't realize it would happen so very soon. My mom telling me that dad was still having issues made me think that I had a bit more time to deal with it myself.

I had a somewhat long conversation with my mom on the phone after she had revealed her desire to meet. It was important to me to at least know where she was coming from. I didn't want to be surprised with any kind of "attack", whether perceived or real. So it still baffles me a bit, and I still haven't been able to really digest it or understand it, but I do feel somewhat better after that conversation. My mom and dad are taking a big step out of their comfort zone too, so I'm not the only one.

So last night while I was thinking of all that I needed to do this weekend, the realization that I'm a real adult now finally hit me. I've got a lot responsibility to others, as well as myself, and I think that that has a lot to do with it. Also the fact that, even though I am anxious and all the usual emotions, I'm not freaking out completely. It seems I've gone into, "This is your life. Deal with it." mode or something.

All things considered, while I have a lot on my plate this weekend and I'm not sure how I'll accomplish it all, I know that I am and will be fine.

Just as an F.Y.I. though: I don't intend to actually "act" like an adult just because I'm being more responsible. There's just not enough fun in that!

Have a great weekend, gang!!!

just me and my coffee

2010-05-22T10:40:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I've just sat here an enjoyed the silence as I write. To just close my eyes and try to allow my thoughts to actually move around a bit, as opposed to stuffing them away for later. Like Scarlett O'Hara, my mantra is always, "I'll think of that later." well, it's later. I need to deal with all of these thoughts and concerns eventually, and stuffing them all away doesn't do me or anyone else any good. It just delays the inevitable and wreaks havoc on me in the process.

It starts in my head, where things begin to overwhelm me and consume me. Then all of that mental stress and fatigue starts to wear down my body. Keeping up the pace of mind games that allow me to function on at least a somewhat normal level tends to eventually wear me out in the long run. All that diverted energy ends up manifesting itself physically if allowed to go on unchecked. Intestinal issues caused by stress that start in my throat and chest as tightness and heartburn and run the entire system including my stomach and beyond start to appear and then worsen.

Sleepiness is a symptom of depression in my system, but it's also a side effect of both the conscious and subconscious battles against the depression. As a result, I'm constantly tired, constantly fighting to not fall asleep and to keep my energy levels up. When I sleep too much or nap too often, then I feel even more worthless and guilty, which deepens the feelings of despair and depression, causing more exhaustion and thus the symptom becomes the cause ant the cycle continues.

At some long ago point in my life, these cycles would begin and end on their own, and though I had no more control over them in the beginning than I do now, they were always so much shorter.

I've always been susceptible to the winter blahs, and that can lead to a cycle, or just intensify one that is already in progress. With springs arrival though, I could enjoy life and the sunshine again. Now, as much as I look forward to spring, it brings it's own set of problems. Things I once loved become complicated in my mind and therefore scary and impossible.

I love to work in the yard planting flowers, moving things around and even weeding most days. Anything to be outside. I change the layout and design of my flowerbeds continuously just so I can keep my hands dirty without spending more money or digging out new beds.

With each passing year though, it gets harder and harder to be outside working if anyone else is around. I feel unable to accomplish even the smallest of goals in the yard and flower beds. Everything seems just out of reach.

I have a motorcycle in my garage that is now over two years old, yet it has less than 500 miles on it. I fell in love with riding after a summer spent behind Cody on his motorcycle. Now even though I still want to ride, and sometimes even crave the feel of an afternoon sun shining down as I ride along the riverside just outside of town, I can't bring myself to get on the damn bike.

There are so many things that I want or need to do, yet the thought of not knowing how or doing something wrong in some way totally scares me away from even starting. Then comes more worthlessness and despair. Then the spiral deepens. Then I'm not just circling the drain, but headed straight for it.

I keep telling myself, "If only _____, I could do this." If only I had a regular, day shift, Monday through Friday job, I wouldn't be tired. I wouldn't be so distant. I could do more of what I want to do instead of just what I'm able to fit into my schedule.

I need to spend more time focusing on what matters most to me, and the things that I have committed to doing. I need to spend less time on the internet machine constantly craving that self-gratifying feedback from people on facebook.

I've deleted close to half of the subscriptions in my reader. I want to spend more time offline than on, but the computer is such an effective crutch. It's so easy to "connect" and be myself online. It's hard work when it's not fostered by a keyboard and faceless contact. Real life in real time is hard. It's ugly and dirty, and I'm horrible at it. Small talk baffles me. I'm unable to participate, and I'm horrible when I do.

Cody and I will be attending a conference for the Disciples of Christ in Ohio in about 3-4 weeks, and I'm scared shitless. That's a lot of new faces. And one of those new faces will be the ones I typically hide from our friends at church. They're going to get a glimpse into the real me, and I don't know if I can handle that.

I want to take some time over the course of that week to sort of "center" myself and be a little healthier on the inside. How I'm able to accomplish that is something I'm still working on.

I'm considering another techno-sabbatical and going of the grid for a while. I would really like to try spending the entire summer disconnected from the computer (except email, since that's the only form of communication with some friends and family). I would also really like to avoid the TV. Most of the shows that I "have" to watch are currently wrapping up for the season, so it shouldn't be too hard.

I'm not entirely sure what I'll end up doing, but I do know that something has got to give, and I don't want it to be me this time.

To be completely honest, I think I need a med adjustment as well as some honest-to-goodness lay-on-the-chaise-and-tell-me-about-your-childhood therapy. That scares the shit out of me though. I've had some less than stellar experiences with drugs and therapists, and it keeps me from actively pursuing anything on a real level.

Cody and I had a sit-down with Pastor Allen a few weeks ago, mostly to discuss the possibility of my finding additional help outside of my counseling with Pastor. I agreed to give it a shot, as they were both quite reassuring of my ability to have the final approval on any therapist or drug (excepting any immediate danger, at which point I gave them permission to do what is necessary).

Cody actually volunteered to do the initial work of finding new therapists for me to try out, but he has said nothing of it since that day, and I've not been crazy enough to remind him. I'm freaked out by the possibility, and see no reason to push him on it! (Trouble being that when he reads this, I'm gonna hear a few sharp words, to be sure...)

So for now I just continue my inaction. The sun is out, but it's a big world of frightening possibilities being lit up. Perhaps I'll go check my facebook updates.

don't spit out your coffee

2010-05-09T11:00:00.000-04:00

Hey Gang!

I wrote all this out last night in my little journal-thingy, and decided this morning that I wanted to add it to my blog. I originally wrote it out so that sometime down the road I could remember all of it. Things tend to get fuzzy over time, and I thought this story was important enough to have an account of for my own personal archive.

I am scheduling this to post at 11:00am so that Cody doesn't see it before we leave for church! I told him last night when I got home from visiting my family that I had a surprise for him that I couldn't tell him about yet. I'll try to remember to come back and let you all know what he thought of his surprise. Maybe even let him guest post if he's willing!

At any rate, here's my journal entry from last night:

Saturday, May 8 9pm

I went to Fremont today in order to spend time with my family. Our plans to get together a couple of weeks ago in Sandusky fell through because Dad had to work. So it was a celebration of his birthday in April, Josh's birthday two days ago, Mother's Day tomorrow, and Taylor's birthday Friday. That's a lot of gift cards!

Shortly after arriving, Dad and Josh went out to cook bratwurst and hot dogs on the grill. After they stepped out and Crystal followed them to have a cigarette, I found myself alone in the kitchen with Mom. She gave me a hug and asked if Cody had gotten his card.

-- This card was a big deal to both Cody and I. Mom and Dad sent a card congratulating Cody on his baptism last week, and it caught both of us quite of guard. It was a huge step for my parents, and none of the significance was lost on the two of us. --

So I told Mom that he had indeed gotten the card, and we were both very grateful as well as touched because we knew it was a big step for her.

Then my mother absolutely floored me. She told me that she had wanted to invite Cody to come today, but my dad wasn't ready.

!
!
!

Wait. What?

I'm surprised I didn't fall out, to be honest. I have spent eight years convinced that this day would never come. It was essential for my sanity and well-being to not allow room for hope that this odd little relationship would ever be any different. We have all pretended not to see the giant pink elephant in the room for the past 8 years. This is huge.

She said when she suggested the idea to Dad, he said that it made him sick to his stomach. I'm trying not to read anything into that. Dad has similar anxiety issues to mine, so it's not surprising. Beyond that, I don't want to think of the implications of that statement. I can only hope in the stillness of night that my resolve holds firm and I don't become a victim of my imagination.

Mom mentioned that she didn't know that Cody was going to be baptized until Josh said something to her. I told her that I never know what the "rules" are or when they change. She said that I know I can talk to her. Dad's not really ready for that yet, but I can talk to her.

Who is this woman, and what has she done with my mother?!?

Mom told me before I left to "keep praying; it's coming." Well, I'll certainly do that!

She also mentioned, in front of everyone, that she wanted to come some Sunday and hear the choir!

I've decided to wait to tell Cody about this until tomorrow. I want to give this story during our time for testimony at SSCC. It certainly is a testament to God's love!

I don't yet know what all of this means. Is she still of the mindset that I'm living a sinful life and in danger of the fires of hell? Has she actually prayed and read through this issue the same way I and so many others have? Has God turned her heart towards the truth?

I have no idea.

Maybe she has just decided that regardless of who I sleep with, life is too short to have such a stunted and complicated relationship.

I'm not sure where we'll go from here. I just know that right now, for tonight, we've taken a giant step forward.

I'm so thankful to God for the work He's done in my life, particularly in the past year. I am so very blessed!

this pill makes you smaller

2010-04-17T10:44:00.003-04:00

*Deep breath*

Been a month since I checked in. Had some bad times, as evidenced by my previous post. Had some good times, too. It's been a hell of a rollercoaster this past month!

I'm currently spazzing out a bit and waiting for the Xanax to kick in. Heart's going a bit too fast for my liking, and I took a pill to cut any potential panic attack in the teeth before it has a chance to take hold. I will take another pill exactly 6 hours after the last one.

I've been working pretty hard to get things moving with our new choir at church, and tonight is our big "Debut" at the church talent show. I'll also be singing a solo, all by myself, in front of friends and strangers, for the first time in over 8 years. In addition to the solo I have chosen, I was "nominated" by our choir to sing the final chorus of our selection the first time through, as it's too tricky for the choir with only one practice. Oh, and I'm "directing" the choir too.

I'm only slightly freaking out.

I decided this morning to keep reminding myself today that I have worked too hard on this to let my stress level prevent me from enjoying it.

*Deep breath*

caught in the undertow

2010-03-24T12:07:00.003-04:00

I've always known what that phrase meant in a literal/physical sense. I've heard it used in a metaphorical sense before, and I understand the concept and what it means. Never before have I experienced that metaphorical concept in a tangible way though. Until now.

It's strange really. I think it should be frightening, especially to someone with anxiety/panic disorders, but it's not. It just is.

The whole thing is kind of parallel universe to me, really. If asked whether anything is "wrong", I'm not sure how I would answer. It doesn't feel like something is wrong. If just feels "other". Like if I had to answer how I felt in the form of a multiple choice question, I would fill in the circle "D - None of the above."

It's odd to feel trapped and yet not feel anything. I can feel my heart beating normally. I don't "feel" depressed like I did yesterday. I don't feel the claws of anxiety tearing at my mind like they were Monday. Yet there is something there. Just beneath the surface where I can't see it or identify it. I can't tell what shape it is, or what color it is; whether it's living and breathing or dead and inanimate. I just know that it's there.

I can walk through the house feeling like it is any other "normal" day (normal is a highly subjective term in my world), but there seem to be these little lines all over the place that I can't cross.

I need cigarettes, but I can't leave the property. My feet stop in front of the kitchen window. I can look out at my truck, but I can't get into it.

I need to bring the garbage cans around back from the tree lawn. Too close to the real world.

Work? Yeah, it would be nice to make it in today. Especially considering I've missed two days. Can't do it. I'm not even anxious about it like I have been. I just "can't".

That's why I feel caught in the undertow. I'm fine on the surface, but something unseen is pulling me down. Not over my head. Not yet. I can still breathe; I'm not drowning or gasping for air. Not yet.

But I need to get out of the water. That's what makes me anxious. I'm not drowning NOW, so I'm not scared yet. But thinking about what COULD be coming in with the tide scares me. The thought of being out here alone when it gets cold and dark scares me.

I can't leave for work. I can't go to the store. I can't even answer my phone.

What happens tomorrow? I'm supposed to go on a fishing trip, but I can't even bring myself to pack up my gear. What happens if I can't leave the house again in the morning? Who's going to tell my dad and brother, who have been looking forward to this trip for months, that I had to bail on them? How will they react? I don't know, and I mostly don't care. Except what if dad thinks just the wrong thought and it triggers his own anxiety disorder? That makes me anxious. I don't want to hurt him, but that alone can't lift me out of the chair to pack.

I've talked to Cody.

I've talked to Pastor.

I've talked to Cody some more.

I've been "okay" several times over the last few days.

So why won't this damn undertow stop? The currents have to shift eventually, right?

I'm accustomed to feeling anxious. I'm accustomed to feeling depressed. I don't like those feelings, and I'm not good at handling them, but at least they're familiar. Being trapped is not something I'm accustomed to, and I don't like the way it feels. It's not my size, it's not my color, and it's wearing blisters in the heels of my brain.

Talking, thinking, "emoting" - these things all make me sleepy. If I sleep, I wake up feeling even more worthless and useless.

But sleep is where I'm free. Sleep is where none of this matters. Sleep is where I don't have to think for myself.

Sleep doesn't go to the store though. Sleep doesn't have a job to pay the bills and provide for my family.

Sleep also doesn't have to avoid the eyes of my dogs though. It doesn't have to avert it's gaze in the hopes that the dog won't beg to go o-u-t (I don't dare say it out loud). O-u-t is on the other side of the door.

To get to the other side of the door, I have to unlock the deadbolt and turn the knob.

That's just not something I'm capable of right now.

i feel like the white rabbit

2010-01-15T09:29:00.001-05:00

Hi guys and gals!

I totally got the whole "I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for an important date!" vibe going on for me this morning. So of course I stop to write a blog post. I just have so much I need to do today, so many projects that I need to start (some of which have been back-burnered for far too long), that I've felt like I'm late since shortly after waking up. I'm not to the point where I'm anxious about it and need a Xanax or anything, which is good, but I do need to get it under control.

None of these things absolutely have to get done today, but several of them do need to be done soon. For one thing, my office is slowly spiraling out of control again, and I need to reign it in before it gets out of hand. Partly because it just needs it, and partly because some of the other work and projects in the queue will require the use of my desk which is full of plants and assorted junk at the moment.

I put off taking down my Christmas tree a bit long than I normally do since I put it up so late, and I really need to get it torn down and put away. I love looking at it, but the longer it is up, the more nicotine and dust there is on the ornaments, and there's just not a good way to clean them. I just wish I could throw it in a bag, ornaments and all, and have it ready to go in 5 seconds a la the Grinch. Taking all the ornaments off the tree and packing them away does afford me the opportunity to admire some of my favorites one last time before next Christmas though, so I'm sort of looking forward to it.

I've also got to get my butt in gear on having my records transferred so my transition to a new set of doctors goes smoothly. I have an appointment with my new GP in a few weeks, and I need to make sure I have all my ducks in a row. Mostly just so there's no interruption in my medications.

Add to that a few projects that are "due" in the coming weeks that I at least need to begin, and I've got a pretty full calendar! I've signed up to lead Bible study on the 27th of this month, so I have to get my lesson going. I also signed up to cover the Communion meditation for out February contemporary service. I know where I want to go with that, so it's just a matter of getting my references in order and getting it all written out.

I've joined a few teams at church, and while I'm excited for the possibilities it affords me, I do want to do my part effectively so it's important to me that I start off on the right foot and not feel like I'm a step behind from the get-go.

Speaking of which, we're exploring starting a gospel choir at church, and one of the first tasks is to find a "director" of one sort or another to lead us. If anyone has any leads (or interest) to help point us in the right direction, please contact me!!!

Our church is taking a lot of bold steps in the coming months, so keep out congregation in your prayers. Particularly our church leadership, who will bear the brunt of any missteps.

All right gang, I really do need to get my hiney in gear. I just wanted to check in and say hi!

problem solved

2009-12-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

December 9, 2009 5:20am

I wish that I knew why I am always so tired lately. I fell asleep in my recliner after dinner again yesterday, something that’s been happening more frequently as of late. I feel bad about yesterday in particular because Cody was trying to wake me up before he left for a meeting and I snapped at him pretty badly. He was a sweetheart and let me fall asleep for a little while, and was just trying to make sure that I didn’t sleep so long that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at bedtime. I’m not a pleasant person when I’m woken up, and I’m having a hard time being woken up lately, so the combination of the two made me pretty mean yesterday. He was just being sweet and trying to talk to me in a nice way to ease me back to reality, but all I knew was someone was in my face talking non-stop and driving me insane, so I snapped at him. And then proceeded to sleep for another hour.

I just can’t seem to shake this funk off for some reason. I have a few hours here and there where I’m fine and mostly don’t think about it. But as soon as the entertainment is over, or we come home, or whatever, I’m right back in this pit. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t even want to put up the Christmas tree this year or decorate at all. I kept saying, “This weekend” and it would inevitably be moved to “Next weekend”. On top of whatever is causing me to feel this way and lack motivation, the feelings of guilt and worthlessness compound to make it even worse. So, since I haven’t been able to bring myself to care about it, I’ll just intentionally not decorate so that instead of feeling guilty and wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I can just go about my life. That will at least relieve some of the pressure I hope.

I know that there’s a possibility that I’ll really regret not having a tree up if I start to feel better. I just don’t really see that as being enough of a possibility right now for it to motivate me into action. I really and truly do not care if we don’t have Christmas in this house this year. I still want to celebrate “real” Christmas, and remember why we celebrate and rejoice over the birth of Christ. I’m just so ambivalent about the rest of the trappings that I’d rather skip it all together.

they really do hiss

2009-12-19T09:00:00.000-05:00

December 7, 2009 7:40am

Oh are my sinuses driving me crazy this morning! My head feels like it’s swelled to the point of explosion! Hopefully this sinus pressure is not a harbinger of the day to come. Other than taking the truck in to be serviced at 9:30, I don’t really have any plans. Cody has a doctors appointment this morning, and then he’ll be heading off to work at the clothes bank at church, which means I’ll be spending the majority of the day alone.

I’m not too concerned about this morning, as I will have my DS to keep me company at the dealership while the truck is being worked on. I remembered to grab my ear buds and put them on the counter so that I won’t have to listen to Faux News while I’m playing Sudoku, too. While I’m not a fan of that channel, I’d be just as irritated if they turned it to any other politically slanted news channel. There is no reason for the dealership to set the channel to something that slants in either direction. Local news, the Today show, hell The Food Network, would be better suited for that type of environment.

All things considered, I had a pretty nice weekend. Cody and I finally went out for his birthday dinner on Friday night. He decided on Bahama Breeze, so twisting my arm was definitely not necessary. We had a nice meal, and managed to settle for only two appetizers instead of the usual three this time, which saved me almost $10, so that was a plus. That money was then spent anyway, and then some, since we stopped at TJ Maxx after dinner.

Saturday didn’t start out so hot for me. I was a little down, and we had to clip Vanilla’s nails, which required tranquilizers. I don’t like giving the dogs medications if I can help it, but holding that dog while Cody clips her nails is like wrestling an alligator. She is solid muscle, and way stronger and more flexible than I am. We waited over an hour to clip her nails, and even though she was only a little clumsy, we thought they would start to wear off and forged ahead. That dog scratched me pretty good a couple of times, but we finally managed to get them taken care of. I felt horrible, as she was so obviously scared out of her mind and I had her pinned down in various positions. I felt horrible afterwards and did my best to make up with her, and then I realized that the drugs were really starting to kick in. I felt awful, because she looked frightened as all get out. You can’t explain to dogs and small children what’s happening to them in those situations. All they know is they feel very wrong and can’t do what they usually can. They don’t know why their legs don’t work like they’re supposed to. It tears me up to watch her go through that, so I was babying her quite a bit and trying to soothe her so she could just fall asleep and let the drugs run their course. On top of that, Cody and I realized we had put that dog through hell unnecessarily, as we could have just waited another 45 minutes or so and had a much easier time. She still wouldn’t have wanted us to do it, but at least we wouldn’t have had to be as forceful with her.

I was starting to feel a bit sleepy, and since neither of us wanted to leave the dog alone, I suggested a little 30 minute nap. I should have known better. I’m not sure if I get sleepy when I’m depressed, or if taking naps makes it worse, but when I’m having a bad day, all I want to do is sleep. The only problem is sleeping tends to make it worse, as I can’t seem to force myself to get out of bed, and then my feeling of lazy uselessness starts to creep in and compound the problem. Needless to say, by the time Cody managed to get me out of bed, I was pretty far gone.

Never fear though, cause I had the perfect solution: Chipotle and Target! We headed out for dinner at one of our favorite spots for some yummy burritos, and then after a couple of quick stops at nearby pet stores for aquarium stuff, we headed to Target. We had some household stuff to pick up, and I wanted to look at all the Christmas stuff to try and shake myself out of my funk. It seemed to do the trick, for that night at least, and my happiness was compounded when we stumbled upon Superman briefs! You know we had to buy them. We need more underwear like we need holes in our heads, but these weren’t optional. I had been looking for these for ages, but they don’t tend to make underwear like this in adult sizes. While they’re not the exact pair I would want, they were close enough to be a mandatory expense for the both of us.

We then headed off to the other side of town to meet up with R and J at Truffles for desert. I love Truffles, but it’s such an expensive place! Thankfully, R and J usually insist on treating us when they invite us. Between genuinely enjoying taking their friends out for dinner/desert and such, and knowing we have a hard time justifying that kind of money for a slice of cake or whatever we order, our paying when we go there is usually not an option.

Sunday morning was definitely a treat. Cody had already let the cat out of the bag that he had decided to become an “official” member of the church, but there were several people that still didn’t know. Including our Pastor, who did a double take when he saw him heading for the front of the sanctuary at the end of the service. I was overjoyed, and my friends at church knew it. I could never have imagined how quickly and fully Cody would be comfortable and active in the church when I started going about 7 or 8 months ago. A lot of people who have gotten to know me since I started attending know that I have always gone out of my way to make sure Cody didn’t feel pressured to attend or participate in any way, so the fact that he is now more active in the programs at church than I am, particularly the outreach programs, is overwhelming to me and they all knew it.

We then had a nice lunch a couple blocks up the street with a small group of friends from church, which was an especially nice treat, as our friend R decided to treat Cody and I along with a couple of other friends. After eating, we headed downtown to University Circle to check out CircleFest, which was a neat little holiday festival put on by the businesses, museums and such in the area. We saw a large display of Christmas trees that had been decorated by local businesses, which was really cool, and then headed to the Botanical Gardens for a quick little walk through.

I stopped to take a picture of a little case full of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches, which are admittedly a little gross, but they were behind glass. A young lady came up and asked if I would like to take a better picture and held out her hand, in which there was a cockroach. Now, these things are huge and creepy, but I just assumed this was an employee of the Gardens since she was carrying it around to show people. Turns out it was just a young lady who had found one creeping around and was being kind enough to walk it to an employee who could make sure it didn’t get trampled. Somehow or other, this girl got spooked and jumped, which may or may not have been instigated by my Pastor, and the cockroach went flying and landed at our feet. I was certainly startled by the young lady’s shriek, but didn’t panic. Then someone pointed out the cockroach was headed for my foot. I looked down, and this little fucker was making a bee-line right for my boot and I absolutely lost it. I shrieked a couple of times like a little 8 year old girl and went running and hopping to the other side of the crowd. Everyone was delighted with my performance, and a few people were kind enough to try to get me to repeat it by suggesting I may have a bug on me at various points during our little excursion.

Thank God it’s time to get ready to go take my truck in. I need a shower twice as bad after remembering that story!!!

circle of ick

2009-12-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

December 6, 2009 9:00am

If I make myself vulnerable to someone, and it doesn’t help, then what happens? I realize that if I don’t open up to someone at some point, I may never really get better. But at the same time, I’m scared shitless, because I really can’t stand the thought of being vulnerable.

On one hand I need to be able to open up to Cody and Pastor and ______, because they have offered to try to help the best way they know how, but if I don’t let them in, they can’t possibly help. Then there are “normal” relationships. People like R and J and Bethany and K and Pete. How do I know how much to let them in without risking being wounded? How do I really know what is good and right to tell them and what isn’t. The more vulnerable I am, the more scared and anxious I am, which makes me want to close myself off even more and shut down even more, and it turns into this whole self-defeating circle of ick.

I don’t know where to go from here. I talked to Cody on Friday night on the way to dinner about how I have been feeling lately, and how it seems like I’ve had a significant number of “down” days compared to before I started the meds. He told me that overall, he sees me on a more even keel. Not 24/7, but significantly more often apparently. I told him that while I appreciate his feedback, and I understand that I should be happy that my moods aren’t all on one solid line due to some zombie-like meds I would sooner die than take, I also don’t want the range of emotions I’m able to experience to always be tinged or colored with depression and melancholy.

I shared with him my disappointment at not being able to see my regular doctor like I was supposed to, because I truly felt and still feel that he would have and should have increased the dosage of my Zoloft.

I’m on a fairly low dose, based on the average dose, granted, but I know that I was great when I started the meds, but have since plateaued in some ways and am even depressed quite a bit. I told Cody that it sucks because I don’t know if I’m experiencing depression that I normally would or if it is a side-effect of the meds and/or the dosage I’m on.

I know from previous experience that depression and suicidal thoughts can be a side effect of these types of meds, particularly when ramping up or down at the beginning and end of taking them. My thought is that it is possible that since I’m on a lower dosage of this medication, I may actually be experiencing a side effect rather than an honest to goodness real depression. Depression sucks the life right the fuck out of me, and I can’t stand it regardless of why it is happening. So if I’m actually causing myself to feel this way by taking a pill every night with my dinner, I sure as hell want to nip that in the bud, and quick.

Here it is the second week of December, and I don’t have a Christmas tree up yet. I’ve had good intentions on several occasions to get my ass up into the attic and get it done, but as of yet those good intentions have gotten me no farther than the recliner in the living room.

Another example is my phone. I was finally given the go-ahead from Cody a week ago to order a new phone, as our contracts on the family plan had finally all come up. He and his brother both ordered their phones the day after Thanksgiving, and I waited to start looking on Sunday due to the sabbatical. Well, my phone has been shit for over a year, but I’ve held out waiting for Cody and J’s contract to expire so that we could end up on the same contract cycle. I’ve been bitching about this phone forever, and now that I finally had a chance to get a new one, where I should have jumped at the chance, I found myself so ambivalent to all the phones I saw online that it took me four days to work up enough energy to care about it and order a new one. I was thankfully able to recognize my ambivalence and share it with Cody, which is two kinda big steps for me, that’s actually a plus. I told him I didn’t want to spend that kind of money and be locked into a contract until I had all my wits about me, which he agreed was definitely a smart way to go. And then the fact that I was able to not only recognize what was going on, but able and willing to tell him about it as well is something I’ve spent seven years trying to accomplish. I don’t know that this will be the norm, because I don’t think I’m going to change overnight and it would be crazy to have that kind of expectation, but I’m hoping it at least happens a little more often.

Gotta shave and shower for church. Headed off to try out CircleFest at University Circle afterwards with R and a bunch of people from church. I’m so taking a Xanax.

bittersweet

2009-12-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

November 29, 2009 8:00am

Well that took me long enough! I just spent the last 45 minutes going back and reading all the e-mails I’ve gotten over the last three weeks that I had been avoiding as part of my sabbatical. I have been reading personal e-mails and things that seemed time-sensitive, but all the forwards and jokes have been sitting in a folder waiting for today. I got a few chuckles, but overall, I really didn’t miss much. Although I did come across an e-mail from Smokey Bones, my favorite rib joint, that included a coupon for all-you-can-eat ribs for $15.99 that unfortunately expired last Wednesday. I wasn’t too happy about that.

Last night went better than expected. Cody and I had the opportunity for some much needed quiet time that evolved into a long overdue bit of mischief, which sufficiently exhausted me enough to allow me to fall asleep at a decent hour. I was concerned that sleeping so late yesterday would throw my sleep schedule way off, but I managed to get somewhat back on track. I have tomorrow off since I’ll be back in the lab again at work, so I’ve got one more day to try and get back into the old routine.

Where did I leave off last night? Oh yes, waking up (rather late) at B and D’s house in BG. The morning was nice and slow, and uneventful enough that I was able to wake up and regain some semblance of coherence in relatively short order despite the unfamiliar lack of routine. We were all just sort of hanging out and chatting while everyone took turns taking showers and getting ready. I didn’t really feel comfortable taking a shower in such an expansive shower with no door or curtain considering all the people that were in the house at the time, and I really just needed a quick refresher since I had been in the hot tub the previous night so I just hopped in the shower down in the basement bathroom.

After a light lunch, we all hopped into three different cars and caravanned to Bellevue so B and his brother and sister could lay grave blankets on their mother and fathers grave, as well as their step-fathers. Then it was off to Sandusky, where B generously treated us all to dinner at Damon’s. It’s always difficult to have dinner with that many people, since you don’t really get to talk to everyone and it seems the table gets kind of split up conversationally, but we had a really good time (and some pretty good food, too).

After dinner, we all took a walk out on the pier overlooking Cedar Point and Sandusky Bay, but it was a bit too cold and windy to stay out there too long. Alas, our visit had to end there in the parking lot, so we said our goodbyes and headed back home. It really was a lovely visit, despite the fact that it was just too short.

Now it’s time to get ready for church and start to sink back into the real world again. Cody is going to help me get the Christmas decorations out of the attic when we get home this afternoon, and hopefully I’ll be able to get the majority of the decorating done today. If the sun stays out I may run outside to rake up the leaves that are piling up in the corners of the yard and patio before it rains again unless I can somehow convince Cody to do it. With any luck, I'll have all the decorations up and the boxes back in the attic before my doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon.

Some time today and tomorrow I need to spend a little time online trying to catch up a little on what I’ve missed these past three weeks, though I’ll probably put off logging back in on facebook until late tomorrow afternoon. It’s sort of bittersweet to go back online again, as I’ve enjoyed my quiet time the last few weeks, but I really do miss the interaction with all my friends and family quite a bit. Hopefully, in addition to everything else I’ve accomplished with this sabbatical, I’ll be able to take from it enough new-found respect for both ends of the spectrum that I’ll keep a more balanced amount of time free for both.

On top of all of that, I need to decided which parts of my journal and journey to share on my blog and get that copied and pasted. Then there’s the editing. Some names will need changed to protect the guilty, and I’ll have to make sure nothing too risqué ends up being posted. Not that I’ve been keeping a sex journal, but I don’t think that my friends and family really need to know how often Cody and I are intimate or my thoughts on it.

The good news is, I’m now finally able to get a new phone, and since my sabbatical is over and we finally got a wireless router hooked up, I’ll not only be able to use the laptop downstairs, I’m going to be able to shop online for a new phone! Since I intend to try to keep up with this journal even after the sabbatical, I’m hoping to be able to get the docking station for the laptop hooked up to my computer so that I can write even when I’m not in my office without having to mess around with a flash drive and all that jazz.

Well, I have more stuff to do before I get ready for church, so I really need to wrap this up. This pretty much marks the end of my “Sabbatical Journal”, so everything from this point on is just my normal, boring and unstable existence.

a lot to be thankful for

2009-12-16T09:00:00.002-05:00

November 28, 2009 7:30pm

Wow! What an awesome weekend I’ve had so far! Before I get into any of that, I have to write out an experience that I had this morning before I forget it. It was very cool, and I want to be able to look back and remember it.

I was standing outside in front B and D’s garage this morning, having a cigarette with J, and he made a comment about all the birds roosted in the top of a large tree across the street. There were hundreds of birds in this tree, and the cacophony of voices was almost overwhelming. Luckily, they were far enough away that they weren’t too distracting or annoying, but it really was a sight to behold.

As J and I continued to talk about whatever, we were both struck by an instantaneous and eerie silence. At the exact same moment, every bird stopped their singing/tweeting/complaining completely and took flight. It was like someone had hit the pause button on nature’s soundtrack. J and I stood awestruck at the sight of such a large flock of birds taking flight at the same time, and commented on how remarkably silent it was after all the noise the birds had been making previously. I was astounded.

Then I was scared.

Hundreds of birds flying overhead tends to make me nervous that I’m going to be shit on, so we quickly ducked under an overhang to protect ourselves, just in case. They were in the air for less than 90 seconds, and then they all went back to the same tree and resumed their noisemaking.

At any rate, I just thought that was really cool and worth remembering. As far as the rest of the weekend, it was much like that moment. Something I’ll want to remember for a long time to come. Even if I couldn’t think of a thing to be thankful for on Thursday morning, that certainly isn’t the case now, on Saturday night.

The community meal at church was absolutely incredible. We actually got there about half an hour later than we were supposed to, but it didn’t turn out to be a big deal. Talk about a strong showing. There were actually too many volunteers! We got started setting up tables in the gym around 8:30, and I’m pretty sure we had the tables and chairs up, with tablecloths spread, all by 9:00. That was awesome. The only problem was, other than decorating and finishing up the meal, there really wasn’t anything else to do until 12:30, when we would have a quick little meeting to make sure everyone knew their job and what was going on before we opened the doors at 1:00.

Some volunteers left as they finished their prep-work in the kitchen, and others decided to leave and come back when it was actually time to serve. I don’t think 15 minutes went by without at least one volunteer walking in the door. It was incredible! So many people wanted to help. It was unfortunate that not everyone could help, but I was so happy to see that we had more people willing to help than the other way around.

Someone had a brilliant idea to have a few of the kids that were there draw “hand turkeys” on the tables for decorations (and to keep them busy). Before long all the kids and a handful of adults were drawing and coloring in turkeys and all sorts of other decorations on all the tables.

We then had a bit of a lull in activity while we waited for the real work to begin, so we were passing around newspapers and sales fliers and just sort of hanging out when we realized that the decorations on the tables were rubbing of on our skin and clothes. This was not good. We were about to have over 100 guests come in for a meal, and the decorations were going to stain their skin and clothes! The markers were apparently washable, even though the box didn’t indicate that fact. So while it was good that it was washing off of our hands and arms, it was bad that it wasn’t sticking to the plastic tablecloths and would ruin what could be some people’s only clothes.

Several ideas were tossed back and forth, including turning the tablecloths over. They were just the cheap disposable kind, so you could actually see the decorations through the other side, though not as well. The only problem was, the marker was rubbing off on the tables as well, and since the tables were white plastic, we were afraid that the heat and friction from the plates would “set” the mark into the tabletops permanently.

We even tried putting paper placemats under the tablecloths before flipping them over, but we didn’t have enough placemats to cover all the tables. Unfortunately, we had to wipe off all that hard work. The kids who did the majority of the work had already left with their parents, and we hoped that they weren’t planning to come back to help serve, as they would have been devastated. As it was, we were all pretty bummed too, because those kids did one heck of a job. Fortunately, our youth advisor had a camera on her phone and Cody was able to take pictures of most of the artwork before it was erased.

This whole fiasco wound up being a blessing in disguise, however, since we ended up with even more kids as the morning wore on. Armed with permanent markers this time around, we set them loose for a marathon of table decorating. Pretty much everyone helped this time around, and we all had a blast doing it. Luckily, the first group never did come back, so it turned out that all the kids who showed up throughout the course of the day were able to help out in a fun, but still very tangible way.

Once 12:30 rolled around though, it was time for our quick little organizational meeting, and then it was off to the races. We were actually able to get everyone into place and ready to go in time to open up the doors a bit early, and then it was non-stop action for over an hour. Some people were a bit antsy because there were so many volunteers that it didn’t seem like they all had enough to do at times, although I think those in charge did an absolutely excellent job of keeping everyone moving and assigning tasks, even while taking care of their own jobs.

I did get a bit of insight into how frustrating it can be when people who are trying to help can be a bit too pushy, but I don’t want to focus on that. It all got smoothed out and under control in short order anyway, so I’d rather focus on all the pleasant things that happened.

We were filling and sending plates out of the kitchen non-stop for about an hour and twenty minutes before it eventually slowed to a trickle, and that means a lot of mouths were fed on Thursday. That is an awesome thing to be a part of. If you’ve never helped out doing something like that, I highly recommend it.

I actually had a blast doing it, too! I got to work with a couple of people that I didn’t know very well before that, and they were both awesome. R is actually the partner of one of the guys Cody works with at the food bank, and he and I got along “famously” as they say. He’s a frickin’ riot, to be honest. He was going back and forth with me and the lady we were working with, who was actually the coordinator of the whole she-bang, which set both of us a little more at ease. She was stressed over making sure everything went well, and I was stressed over, well, that’s just what I do. So I think it’s great that R was standing where he was, as he set the tone for our side of the kitchen and made it possible for us to do our jobs with true joy and thanksgiving. Before I knew it, it was 3:00 and time for Cody and I to beat feet so we could make it to his mother’s in time for our own Thanksgiving dinner.

I really didn’t know what to expect going into this event on Thursday. I know people get a sense of satisfaction from doing those kinds of things, and I’ve experienced a similar feeling through volunteering in other capacities before. Yet I felt so overwhelmingly blessed to have been a part, no matter how small, and I think it is due in large part to those around me and their own attitudes of joy in service. I don’t know that I’ll help with the meals at church every month, but I’m certainly going to start doing it at least on occasion.

After two hours in a hot kitchen dishing up meals, dinner with Cody’s family was a breeze. Actually, we always have a good time with the rest of his family (as long as no one brings up politics), so that really wasn’t a surprise. By the time Cody and I got home though, we were thoroughly whooped!

Friday morning we just kind of putzed around the house for a bit and then it was off to Bowling Green to visit our friends. Bethany’s family were all staying at her parents house in BG, and they were kind enough to invite us up for the weekend as well. Having other engagements, we were only able to stay one night, but what a riot!

We got there shortly after 1:00 Friday afternoon, and it was non-stop fun from that point on. First, Bethany’s dad, B, gave us the grand tour of the house, and when I say “grand”, I mean GRAND. Not only is the house huge and beautiful, but B is one hell of a tour guide. We didn’t just get the simple little, “Here’s the bedroom. Here’s the other bedroom” kind of tour. He gave us the ins and outs of every room in the house, including all the architectural features and the more significant art and furniture pieces like where they bought it and what it was made of, etc.

The house is incredible, and I’ve never been in a home with that sort of layout, so it was very unique as well. The bathroom takes the cake though. When they bought the house, there was a full bath in the master suite, but they decided to add on and expand the bathroom and closet. I have never seen a bathroom like that in real life. If ever I could afford a room at a resort and spa, I imagine that is what the bathroom would look like. B was going over a lot of the features and why they chose them, and his attention to detail is just astounding. But we didn’t drive all the way to BG just to see their bathroom.

Once we were done with the tour, we headed down to the basement to play Wii with B, Bethany, J and his daughters, K and S. Okay, so Cody played Wii; I just watched. What seems like a mild-mannered and loving, if slightly sarcastic family quickly changes into something altogether different once you turn on the Wii, let me tell you. Everyone was talking smack like a professional, including the girls making some very hysterical smart-ass comments to B. It was a riot!

Then the real fun, for me at least, began. It was time to decorate the Christmas trees!!! (Yes, trees, plural; they have three. I wasn’t so jealous and envious of the bathroom as I was of their having more than one tree.) The kids were grumbling a bit about having to decorate, but I was having a blast. And since it wasn’t my tree, I felt free to not be such a perfectionist and just relaxed and hung ornaments wherever I found room until B declared us all finished. It really was a lot of fun.

We then went downstairs to play a bit more until it was time for dinner. And what a dinner it was. The whole dinner was fantastic, but honestly the ham loaf and sweet potatoes were out of this world. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that meatloaf is my favorite food group, but this ham loaf is almost tied for the top spot it was so good! And seeing as I had never had sweet potatoes that didn’t come out of a can before, having fresh ones for dinner was quite the treat.

As we were starting desert, including a cake for Bethany’s Uncle J to celebrate a birthday that had passed while he was away, Bethany’s mom noticed the birthday card that Bethany had given Cody. She asked me about it, and when I told her that it was indeed Cody’s birthday, she ran to find a card for him and put a candle in his slice of cheesecake. We all sang “Happy Birthday” a second time, and I think Cody was genuinely tickled.

A couple of years ago, Cody barely knew Bethany and was quite gracious in agreeing to go all the way to Cincinnati so we could visit and spend the night with one of my ex-girlfriends. Now, he realizes not only how much more she means to me, but her entire family have been so astronomically gracious and loving to both of us that he really is moved by their kindness when they include us in their plans and treat us like family.

After dinner and Pete’s arrival (finally!), we headed outside so Cody, Bethany and I could have a sit in the hot tub. It was really nice, though I couldn’t stay in for very long because the heat makes it hard for me to breathe after a while. I think the high point was definitely when Cody pulled his swimsuit out of the water. The look on Bethany’s face and the noises coming out of her mouth were priceless and set Cody into a fit of giggles I haven’t heard in quite some time.

By the time we all got dried off and changed out of our swimsuits, we were starting to wind down quite a bit. We chatted for a while and had these yummy breadstick/foldover/pizza thingies that apparently everyone in BG is addicted too because we were all apparently not yet stuffed full enough of food yet. When we got done, pretty much all of us had that “Why did I just eat that?” look on our faces.

A little more Wii, and then it was most definitely time for bed. Cody didn’t even make it that long. He crashed out on the couch about halfway into it. By the time Pete had to leave, we were all pretty much drained and went to our respective beds to crash. For some reason, my body decided to sleep until 10:00 this morning, and for an even more baffling reason, Cody decided to let it. I wasn’t very happy when he woke me up by saying, “It’s almost 10:00”, and given the fact that I’m not really a morning person anyway, I was kinda peeved when I woke up.

Seeing as there were eleven other people in the house besides us, I didn’t really have the luxury of being a grouch this morning. Since we had slept in the basement, that meant if I wanted a cigarette or a cup of coffee (when don’t I?), I needed to put on my happy face and walk upstairs to greet them all. All in all, it wasn’t so bad, but if I can’t sleep tonight because Cody let me sleep in too long, I think I might just have to toss and turn just enough to keep him up too….

volunteering on xanax

2009-12-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

November 26, 2009 6:50am

So I promised myself that I wouldn’t try to send myself on a guilt trip if I didn’t write in this journal on every day of my sabbatical. So far, I’ve done rather well at keeping that promise. Considering I haven’t written since Saturday, and it is now Thursday, I feel it’s safe to go on a little guilt trip. It’s not that I wanted to start the habit of journaling daily, although that is a goal I would like to achieve at some point, but I really did want to keep better track of my thoughts, actions and attitudes during this time period.

Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to write very much this morning, as Cody and I are headed off to our church within the next half hour to begin prepping for the community Thanksgiving Day meal that the church is hosting this afternoon. It appears that there is now an over-abundance of volunteers, but God forbid everyone should think that and no one show up. We’d much rather err on the side of too much help than not enough.

I’m excited to be able to help out with the prep work and setting up, but I’m hoping our volunteer coordinator(s) can find some behind-the-scenes work for me in the kitchen or elsewhere once they open the doors and people start to come in to eat. I’m just not comfortable enough with strangers to be able to interact with a multitude of them non-stop for a couple of hours straight. I do have a Xanax in pocket in case of emergency though. I will tell them my preference, but I won’t tell them “No” if asked to do something else.

We’re not even sure if they’ll need us at serving time, as that appears to be the time most of the volunteers have signed up for. So we are planning to be there until 3pm, but may end up leaving sooner if we aren’t needed for the entire time. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to stay and help with the clean up, as we’re headed off to Cody’s mom’s house at 5pm for dinner there. Ideally, I would have signed up for setup and prep, come home, and then returned in the afternoon to help with the cleanup. Since we have other commitments though, I’ll make the most of my time during the serving hours instead.

I have a feeling that I’ll have another backup there of the non-pharmaceutical persuasion though. I’m sure Pastor will be there for a large chunk of time, if not the whole day. While I know that he’ll be busy “being Pastor” with all those people there, I know that he knows me well enough to recognize that “deer-in-the-headlights” look I get when I’m overwhelmed or uncomfortable. I don’t expect him to swoop in and save me like Superman or anything, but he always seems to know when I need a word of encouragement, support, etc.

We’re headed to Bowling Green tomorrow, so I’m hoping to have a chance (and the energy!) to write some more tonight and/or tomorrow morning before we leave. We won’t be back home until at least late afternoon on Saturday, and this sabbatical is drawing to a close at the end of the weekend. I never really worked out the “rules” for when I would officially re-enter the 21st century, but I’ll probably sneak a peek on Sunday, provided I have the time. I won’t actually show up on facebook or anything like that until at least Monday, but I may take advantage of any free time Sunday to get a head-start on what I’m sure will be a lot of blog posts I’ve missed. A lot of the minor interest and/or news blogs will simply be a quick click of “mark all as read”, but there are others that I really do want to catch up on.

reflection of purpose

2009-12-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

November 21, 2009 10:30am

As I was reading my Bible this morning, I came across a particular verse that I have been using to try to explain to some people the essence of what I’m trying to accomplish on this sabbatical. I could not remember the verse exactly, or where it came from, but I knew the gist of it and what it meant to me. To find it in my reading this morning was an absolute delight, as now I can point to it specifically and use it to better explain what I’m after here.

“The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” Luke 6:45

In the Amplified Bible, the verse ends such: “…for out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart his mouth speaks.”

While this is certainly isn’t the only reason I have decided to take a leave of absence from the majority of outside influences in my life, it is definitely one of the most important to me. One of the main themes running through all my reasons has to do with my reactions and how they affect not only me, but more importantly how they affect the people in my life. So for me to take some time to work on myself and the relationships with God and the people in my life, my reactions play a heavy role in the work that I’m trying to do. I don’t want to react in anger all the time. Lashing out is no longer an acceptable way of life for me. So a big part of what I’m doing during the course of this sabbatical involves a lot of time reading my Bible and studies/devotions about God and His Word. It’s not the only focus, as I have also been reading about relationships as well.

I’m trying to refocus not only my mind, but more importantly, my heart. I want to spend this time focus on “good” things, to redirect my heart and thoughts towards them in the hope that eventually they reflect the good. I need to fill myself with what is good, or right, or holy or whatever you want to call it. This isn’t necessarily about me becoming “holier” or anything. This about me becoming a better, stronger and healthier person in spirit, mind and body. Drawing closer to God is the means for me to effect change in my life. I want to reflect His principles and teachings; to be filled with His Spirit and therefore, bear it’s fruit.

Some may shy away from me when I tell them all of this, and I can understand why. We’ve all met people in our lives that “found” God or “got religion”. It can be a painful and trying experience for those around them. I would put more responsibility on those who lead and teach them, but I don’t really want to get into that. What I want to say is, though I know I’ll miss the mark as I so often do, if I keep myself centered on Christ and His teachings, then no one would have cause to be afraid. His teaching was so love-centric and anti-judgment that, I feel, if I am truly conveying a Christ-like spirit and mindset, there will be no condemnation or judgment to make the people in my life uncomfortable.

Yet I have to say, as harsh as it may sound, I can’t let the possibility of those I care about distancing themselves affect me to the point of neglecting what I need to do.

So my fervent prayer this morning is for God to fill my heart to overflowing with goodness, that my words will reflect that which is within me. Love, compassion, grace; these are the things I want to project and reflect. Not anger, hate and enmity.

rant

2009-12-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

November 20, 2009 9:30am

I came out to mom and dad a little over 7 years ago. A lot has happened in my life as well as theirs since that day, and some things about our relationship and the way we interact have changed; some haven’t.

One of the things my mother used to invariably do that pissed me off to no end was to write one little phrase at the end of the cards and e-mails that she sent me (I think she has said it to me over the phone on occasion, but I’m not 100% certain of that). She used to write, in essence, “I can’t wait until your feet are again under your Father’s table” or a variation thereof. Notice the utilization of the capital letter “F” in the word father, used to signify my Father God in heaven versus my father here on earth. Mom wasn’t writing that out of a desire for me to come over and have dinner with my dad and her. She was writing that as a means of expressing her belief that I had fallen out of fellowship with God, and she wanted for me to remedy that.

Just the thought of that statement, used so often in the past, gets my hackles up. I’m able to process it much easier now than I used to though. When she would say or write that, I would absolutely bristle. It was like the reactions of the monsters in old movies to sunlight or the sign of the cross. Now I can shrug off the statement because I know that it is based in and on ignorance and lies, but it still hurts just a little, and makes me at least want to be defensive, even if I don’t act on it.

I won’t go into all the arguments about whether or not God accepts homosexuals. I could recommend some great books, but that’s not what I want to write about today. What I want to talk about today is our role as God’s children, but more specifically, as guests at God’s table.

First let me tell you why a seemingly simple little statement could make me absolutely seethe with anger. To insinuate that my feet are not under the table in God’s house at His great feast is to imply that I am not an invited guest. The assumption made is that I have chosen a life contrary to God’s divine will, which renders me unable to sit at His table. This here, this is the part that pisses me off, every time: If I’m not allowed to sit at the table because I’m not serving God, who am I serving? You can play the game of semantics and run around saying “bless his heart” and “love the sinner, not the sin” until you’re blue in the face. You can try to sound Christian and non-judgmental, like little Sam and Susie Spiritual all you want, but the fact of the matter is and remains that you are accusing me of being a heathen acting willfully against God and His word. That. That, dear readers, is what will set me off on a tirade every single time. Whether out loud or to myself; it really doesn’t matter. I don’t need an audience for the sermon that pours forth out of me at that time. I’ll preach to the choir, I’ll preach to the congregation, I’ll preach to a friend, a foe, every man, woman and child who walks down the street, I will preach to my dogs and fish if I have to. It’s coming out one way or another.

Let’s start here: The feast, as it were, is thrown by God, who is therefore in charge of the guest list. The feast is a wedding feast, wherein the bridegroom, Jesus, is united as one with His bride, the people of God. In Revelation 21:9, John writes that one of seven angels talked with him and said, “Come here, I shall show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb.” John then goes on to describe the holy city of Jerusalem coming down out of heaven, and he describes in detail the vastness and beauty of this city, prepared for “…those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life.” (Rev. 21:27) As the inhabitants of this New Jerusalem, which is called the Bride of Christ by the angel, we are all then part of the bride. WE are the Bride of Christ. The feast is a celebration of the marriage, the once-and-for-all unification of Jesus to His people. We are not just guests at the feast; we are part of the wedding party. We are both the celebrants and the celebrated!

As the Bride of the Lamb of God, would not those who deride us and deny us our rightful place not think it wise to obey the warning of the very same Son who said of marriage, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall become one flesh; consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Mark 10:7-9)

That, to me, says that as the intended of Christ, His betrothed, we are to be joined together by God and not separable by any means. Yet we don’t even have to go so far to learn this! In Luke 18:17, Jesus says, “Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it at all.” Right before that (vs. 15-16), Jesus was rebuking His disciples for trying to prevent parents from bringing their children to Him: “And they were bringing even their babies to Him so that He might touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, 'Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.'” Emphasis mine)

I don’t think it’s any mistake to read that as a rebuke to all of us to not only stop preventing children to turn to Jesus, but also as instruction to turn to Him as children ourselves! Jesus makes it clear that no one, even those acting on what they presume to be His behalf, should ever prevent God’s children from coming to Him.

Now we’re getting to the good stuff, so bear with me a little longer here…

In the Bible, we learn of our many roles as followers of Christ, or His disciples if you will. We are to be “fishers of men” just as the original disciples He called were told they would be. We are to share the Gospel, the love of God, the grace of God, the forgiveness of God.

In other words, I am to invite all I know to come share in the feast. God has sent out a broadcast invitation to the ends of the earth for all to partake in the feast, where we will not only celebrate, but be celebrated in our unity with our Creator. We are all handed an unlimited supply of invitations, with no names yet written on them, with the instructions to hand them out to all we meet.

Our role as guests is to invite others to come with us. Our role is to sit at the table and rejoice at the sighting of one we know sitting at the table with us. We are to revel in the long-awaited reunion of ourselves to the One who calls us. We love and laugh with those who are with us, whether man or woman, black or white, tall or short, fat or skinny. We are all, finally and blessedly, God’s children. There is no more need for adjectives and pronouns! We will be one family, at peace with one another in love and mercy through no other gift than that of the grace of God.

But wait.

Let me look something up real quick in the back of my Bible. Oh, it’s got to be here somewhere. That’s odd. I found an entry for “door”, but not for “doorman”. I’ll try “gatekeeper”. Oh! Here it is! Let me go look it up… Well, that just mentions who the gatekeepers at the temple in old Jerusalem were. Let’s try the next verse. Well, not much there either. Let’s just look at the notes in the bottom of my study Bible.

From the footnotes of 1 Chr 9:17-18 (Life Application Study Bible, Tyndale): “Porters, or gatekeepers, guarded the four main entrances to the Temple and opened the gates each morning for those who wanted to worship. In addition, they did other day-to-day chores to keep the Temple running smoothly – cleaning, preparing the offerings for sacrifice, and accounting for the gifts designated to the Temple.

“Gatekeepers had to be reliable, honest, and trustworthy. The people in our churches who handle the offerings and care for the materials and functions of the building follow in a great tradition and we should honor them for their reliability and service.”

Huh? That’s not what I was really looking for. Let’s keep looking… Well, I did find another note for 1 Chr 26:1, but it’s a similar description of the duties of the gatekeepers that really doesn’t say much about keeping people from entering the Temple. Plus, since its 1 Chronicles, and they’re talking about the physical Temple of the Old Testament, and it was written in approximately 430 B.C., it may not really be what we’re after quite yet.

You know what? Maybe being the gatekeeper, or the “Spiritual Bouncer” as I like to call it, isn’t in my concordance or references, but I bet you it’s listed in the spiritual gifts! Let’s go look! Ah, here we are! The fruit of the Spirit, as listed in Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

Hmm, no bouncer yet; maybe we should try the Amplified Bible. I bet one of those “-ness’s” from the NAS version will translate into what we’re looking for!

Galatians 5:22-23 (Amplified, Zondervan): “But the fruit of the [Holy] Sprit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness, gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge].”

Well I’m still not finding what I’m looking for here. Oh, I know! Maybe it’s not one of the fruits of the Spirit, but a gift of the Spirit! Let’s just jump right to the Amplified Bible, shall we? 1 Corinthians 12:8-11: “To one is given in and through [Holy] Spirit [the power to speak] a message of wisdom, and to another [the power to express] a word of knowledge and understanding according to the same [Holy] Spirit; To another [wonder-working] faith by the same [Holy] Spirit, to another the extraordinary powers of healing by the one Spirit; To another the working of miracles, to another prophetic insight (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose); to another the ability to discern and distinguish between [the utterances of true] spirits [and false ones], to another various kinds of [unknown] tongues, to another the ability to interpret [such] tongues. All these [gifts, achievements, abilities] are inspired and brought to pass by one and the same [Holy] Spirit, Who apportions to each person individually [exactly] as He chooses.”

Well, no spiritual bouncer there either. I suppose someone who is gifted with the ability to discern spirits could be used as a bouncer, but that may be stretching it. Maybe God didn’t really intend for us to be doormen. Could it be possible? I believe so.

This is how I’m able to take that one phrase that tries to separate me from the love of God, and just let it roll on by: God did not call us to be the “Spiritual Bouncers” at the door of His feast. He only calls us to come, and to bring others with us. It really is that simple.

God didn’t say, “Come into my house and feast at my table, but prevent others you feel unworthy to come from joining us there.”

God just simply says, “Come. Bring a friend; we’ll have a great time. Don’t worry if the people you invite are going to show up. Invite them all anyway.”

When we all get to the Lord’s Table and are feasting with Him, He wants our focus to be on Him and on the gifts before us. The place He has brought us to, the beauty and glory before us. The love of those around us. We’re invited guests, not the bouncers. We’ll be too busy celebrating inside to worry about what’s going on outside anyway. God isn’t going to invite us to a feast and then make us stand outside and take care of the guest list. That just isn’t our role. Our role is to celebrate.

So from now on, wherever you are on your journey to the feast at God’s place, you should most definitely hand out invitations along the way. Bring as many people as you can, cause we’re gonna’ have us a party.

But when someone tries to stop you and tell you that you can’t go, or that you need to change your clothes or comb your hair or do this or don’t do that, I want you to look them in the eye and tell them this: “You see this? This is my invitation to the party.”

Your invitation isn’t going to have a dress code mentioned. It’s not a black tie affair. It won’t even have a time listed! You’ll be there when you get there, so long as you continue to walk in the direction of the party.

It just says, “Come.” That’s it. That’s all that’s required. “Come.”

You can tell it was written for you, because it’s signed by Jesus. He signed all of our invitations in blood, and that’s the real reason we can get in the door.

This might be a good time to remind the stranger, who may sincerely be trying to help you from the bottom of their heart that they need to keep walking, too. Remind them that they have an invitation as well, but they have to move to get there. Standing still and stopping others doesn’t get anyone home any faster. If they join you, that’s great. If not, then maybe someone else who comes along will be able to get them to go. Whether they do or not doesn’t change anything for you.

You still have your very own invitation.

“Come.”

random ramble

2009-12-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

November 19, 2009 11:15pm

I got off work at 9:30pm today. I thought for sure I would catch Cody before he went to bed, and even called the house while I was walking out to my truck to make sure he didn’t go to bed before I got home. No such luck. We did get to spend the day together before I went to work though, so I’m not too bothered by it.

I was starving when I got home, so I made a bunch of french fries and munched on them, which I now realize was a mistake. I ate way too many of them. I also thought that I would be staying up for quite a while, but now I’m getting kind of sleepy. Had I known I would be this tired so soon, I wouldn’t have eaten so much. Now I have to stay awake for a while to let all those fries settle or I’ll feel like crap in the morning.

Not a whole lot happened today. I slept until 11am even though I went to bed “early”. I guess my body is just tired from all this extra work. I read for a while this morning, and then Cody and I spent some quality time together.

*edit*

I’m told there is a strong likelihood that we won’t be working at all tomorrow night, which I’m sort of ambivalent about. I’ve really enjoyed the opportunity to work on the line these last two weeks, but I’m just tired now. I’m not used to the work or the hours anymore, and my body is just ready to give up I think. Cody and I decided today that Saturday would be a good day to get the Christmas decorations out of the attic and start decorating, so if I do get called off, I’ll probably just get a head start on that.

I’m glad next week is Thanksgiving. Cody and I have been so busy lately that it will be nice to have a little down time. We’re planning to go to Bowling Green to spend some time with Bethany’s family. I told Pastor yesterday in our meeting that I won’t lie to my mom about where I’m going or what I’m doing next weekend, but I am going to go out of my way to avoid the subject. If my mom finds out I drove past her to go stay with B and D… That’s not fair though; that’s purely speculation on my part. Speculation based on fact and experience, but still not very nice.

I’m not sure what we’re going to do for Christmas this year. It seems like it gets harder every year to pick out Christmas gifts. At least in years past I haven’t had to be as concerned with a budget, which makes shopping a little easier. Now on top of trying to figure out what to get people I need to be extremely conscious of price. Not that that is a bad thing, I guess. I have always tended to spend way more than I should anyway. The tighter budget will help reign my spending in a bit, if nothing else. I just really enjoy giving gifts, especially if I know it’s like “The” gift for someone.

they don't all have to be in order

2009-12-12T08:55:00.003-05:00

December 12, 2009 8:15am

This is actually the third edition of something I wrote this morning. It started with an email, then moved on to be expanded as a journal entry, and now I'm posting it here.

I know that I've been scheduling all my posts for future days of late, but I don't want to get so caught up in doing that that I feel I can't write about today and post it today too.

So I'm posting this despite the interference to the chronology of the rest of my posts. It's my blog and I can do what I want!

I wanted to write in my journal last night, but by the time I got all caught up on “V” on the DVR and finished writing an email, I had literally just finished updating Microsoft Word on the laptop when Cody walked in the door.

Since I was writing about my “issues”, I am pretty sure my journaling would have been more of the same. As it was, it was 10:00pm, I hadn’t seen Cody all day, and we were both exhausted. I thought about staying up a little later, since I really had wanted to write, but instead I said “Fuck it” and went to bed.

This morning I woke up in a much better mood than I have in the last couple of weeks, and I pray to God that it lasts the whole day through. I have, however, been plagued this morning with some not so pretty thoughts about one subject in particular. I’d talked with God a few times about it while having my morning coffee and getting through my routine, but it was still weighing heavily on my mind.

While writing a long-overdue email to my mom and dad, I shared with them a little about it, and before I knew it, the flood gates opened and I realized that I was expressing myself in my letter to them the same way I tend to in my blog and journal. I almost cut and pasted it into my journal right then and there, with the intention to re-write a less detailed update to mom and dad and go back to finish my writing in the journal when I was done.

I decided to just continue writing, as I apparently had something to say and didn’t want to interrupt my “flow”. Before I knew it, I was pretty much preaching a sermon to myself. It was pretty much me working through the issues I woke up with, and I feel it was God’s way of answering my prayers of earlier this morning. I’m thankful that he helped me work through it myself without having to beg and plead for signs and wonders and all of the usual drama.

I decided to send it to mom and dad as is, and then pasted it here in my journal, because I really did feel moved by God’s using me to exhort myself for a change. I want to be able to hold on to not only the lesson I’ve learned from it, but the feeling of peace that it gave me.

The excerpt is as follows:

We got our bonuses yesterday, so the wait is over for another year. My group leader was very kind with my merit rating this year, but with lower profits and a lower income to base my bonus on, my good rating didn't translate to a whole lot compared to years passed. I'm grateful though, that I'm getting a bonus at all. With the year going the way it has, I've said that as long as my bonus covers my insurance premiums for the year with some money left over, I would be happy. Now that we're on the other side of bonus day, I'm doing my best to remind myself that I got what I decided was acceptable to me, and more besides.

Having spent the better part of this past year in a church with a fantastic outreach program is really awesome. The sad part is, for a church to have such a fantastic program, that means there is a need for it. So I have had the opportunity to see things that most of us don't think about very often. We see homeless and disadvantaged people on TV or read about them in the papers, but to be honest, God has blessed us through our work and education richly enough that we don't have to experience that and haven't seen it a lot in our own "real" lives.

There is so much more hunger out there than the little cravings I get while I'm watching TV snuggled up with my dog in my recliner. If I get a little chilly, I can afford to turn up the heat a little. Or if I'm being a smart consumer and want to conserve the energy, I'm typically not any colder than a sweatshirt and a lovingly made afghan can handle.

There are so many people who are so much more cold than me, so very much more hungry than me, so tragically lost to their families and friends.

How dare I be ungrateful enough to entertain a little pity-party in my head for even one second simply because my bonus wasn't big enough when so many people don't have jobs. My profit-sharing, which is non-guaranteed income, is more than some people make in a year, because they have no income. I'm able to write a check to keep a roof over my head, another to keep the lights on, and yet another so that when I turn the knob on my fancy box in the corner, a beautiful fire is there to warm me on command.

Sorry. I got a little carried away. But I needed that. I've been talking to God a lot this morning and praying about my ungrateful heart, and I think He used my letter to you guys to work it out.

Re-reading this here in my journal makes me feel a bit better all over again. I got a pay cut at this time last year, and then a reduction in my hours. The two combined added up to a 45% cut in my pay that has lasted over a year now with the exception of the two and a half weeks I spent working on the line last month.

Cody lost his job almost a year ago.

Our dog got sick and needed surgery.

The faucet in our shower is degraded to the point that one valve no longer closes completely and we have a slow but steady drip 24/7.

I can’t afford to give the gifts I would like to give to my family this year, much less afford to give gifts to all the friends we usually do.

Yet, we’re still able to pay our bills and afford an evening out from time to time. Granted we don’t go out as often, and we have to do less expensive things, but we’re still able.

Cody has not yet found work, but thankfully his unemployment helps cover our bills as much as it is needed to. Cody has been able to volunteer an amazing amount of time and energy to helping others. He’s happier doing what he’s doing now than he has ever been working at a “real” job for a paycheck.

The veterinarian we use is inexpensive enough that we could afford several procedures that would have drained our savings at any other animal hospital. We never had to have that difficult discussion about how much money can we spend before we have to discuss letting go of a life so precious to us both.

Cody is skilled enough to fix most things himself. Through his outgoing personality, he has met people on a personal level most of us take for granted. One of those people happens to be his “go to” hardware guy, who gladly takes on every valve we’ve every brought him and rebuilds them to a like-new state even though they’re older than I am. He’s happy to be of real help, and we’re happy to spend money in his store even though it’s more expensive than most big box places because he’s so kind.

My family is loving and understanding enough to not care what they get, if anything. They just want to spend a special time together, celebrating together. My friends feel the same way. God has brought “real” relationships into my life.

Despite all the hardships of the past year, I’m still standing. I have my own issues to deal with, and I’ve been struggling of late, but I never want to go a day without remembering that I have so much to be thankful for.

Have a great weekend, gang.

dear friends and horrible doctors

2009-12-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

November 18, 2009 11:15pm

Well, here I am again. I left work at 10:30pm because, although we now have plenty of parts, all of one particular part is bad. So now I’m stuck at home, wide awake in the middle of the night, waiting to be tired enough to go to sleep.

On the way home, I was sort of excited at the prospect of seeing Cody. I know that a lot of days he tends to stay up till about 11pm or so, so I just assumed he would still be awake. No such luck. I haven’t seen him since yesterday afternoon, so I’m missing him a lot. He worked at the food bank today, and I had an appointment with Pastor before work, so we didn’t get a chance to see or talk to each other. I tried to call him on the way to work this afternoon, but he didn’t get the call. I know he goes to the gym on Thursdays, but I’m hoping he doesn’t have anything else planned for the afternoon so that I can spend a little bit of time with him.

I forgot to mention the other day that I had quite a nice conversation with Bethany on Sunday afternoon. She called me before Cody got home; while I was just sitting down to do a little reading. Apparently, when you fall off the face of the internet, people start to miss you a little. She was just calling to check up on me, but it really did make my day. I haven’t been in contact with very many people outside of work since starting this sabbatical, so it was nice to hear from someone I care about.

We talked for what seemed like a long time, though I don’t remember now how long it really was. She was telling me about her morning serving with her outreach group from church at a local nursing home, and how her nephew reacted to being around all of the older and often sick people. She then went on to tell me about the guest speaker they had in church, and some of the things he talked about. She shared some of his insight concerning people’s tendency to justify their own “righteous indignation” by pointing to Jesus’ anger in the bible.

I then got the chance to talk to her about what has been going on in my own life as of late, including how the sabbatical is going, and what I’m trying to accomplish and how. She never ceases to amaze me with her ability to get me to open up and share the real stuff that I usually keep back from everyone else. Talk about a good listener. I was able to tell her about not only my experience with the urologist, but also all the crap that led up to my going to see him in the first place. It’s kind of awkward, but worth trying to tell. I want to remember these events in order to avoid similar situations in the future.

I went to the doctor about 2-3 months ago with a whole list of issues I wanted to address. Some of these problems had been going on for quite some time and needed to be taken care of, but the straw that broke the camel’s proverbial back was the aggravation of dealing with the pressure in my ears. I had felt it on and off since at least August, and I was tired of it. I’m not one for doctors, but when the pressure in my ears started affecting my ability to sing in church on Sunday mornings, I decided enough was enough.

When I got in to see the doctor, we spent a lot of time going over my mental health history, and very little time focusing on the issues I went there for originally. It’s kind of a convoluted story, but basically the doctor recognized me when she walked in, though she couldn’t really tell why. I explained that I had been a patient of hers previously when she worked for the HMO that I used to use. She had left, and when I changed insurance companies, I had discovered that she was in my network again. Being shy about trying out new doctors and all, I decided to go see her, since I had felt comfortable with her the few times I had seen her before.

Well, she used our past history as a starting off point and asked me to refresh her memory as to what was going on the last time I saw her. So I went into the whole long story about the weight loss and stomach problems that she had sent me for some testing about. In the long run, it was decided that those symptoms were all related to the mental health crap that was coming to a head at the same time. So now that the whole depression/anxiety cat is out of the bag, that is ALL she would talk about. She wants me to see a shrink, she wants to prescribe me meds, etc. I was not a happy camper. I tried to explain to her that I was getting counseling from my Pastor, and we were working toward the goal of finding a good psychiatrist whom I would then discuss the possibility of meds with.

So, after I finally get her to back down a bit, she starts talking about referring me to a psychiatrist and then setting up an appointment for a physical in about three weeks. I’m like, “Wait a minute. I have a whole list of reasons why I came here today, and we haven’t discussed any of them.” She got a bit aggravated, but I didn’t care. I made the appointment to talk about specific issues, and she took the crazy ball and ran with it all on her own. I still needed to talk about all the other stuff!

So I went down the list (I literally had an index card with me), and told her what was bugging me. I mentioned the ears, the muscle cramps in my legs, going to the bathroom constantly and an all over itch with no rash or visible irritation.

She checked my ears and told me they looked fine, and then told me that my cramps were probably caused by a vitamin D deficiency. She decided to check for infection in my urinary tract, but also a screening for diabetes as well, which she checked with blood tests that she ordered for the vitamin D thing. The itching though… Oh, she was concerned about that. Turns out an unexplained itch can be a sign of lymphoma. She might have to run some tests to get to the bottom of that.

What, was I too callous with mentioning lymphoma? Well, that’s just how matter-of-fact she stated it to me, so I just assumed it was okay to be blunt with this information.

She sent me next door for the lab work and instructions to come back in two weeks. I got a call later that day telling me my urine was okay, and about two days later I got a voicemail telling me my blood work was okay as well. The only problem is, I still wasn’t sure what all she was testing for that came back okay. I had no idea if a blood test would reveal an indicator for lymphoma.

So, I go back two weeks later and she’s all pissed off because I didn’t call the shrink she suggested. I told her the urination was getting worse, so she decided to check me for chlamydia and gonorrhea. Not too thrilled about that, since I knew I would be clean, but I’m sure doctors hear that a lot.

The ears are still bugging me. Well, the ear drums look fine.

The cramping? The itching? I think it’s your anxieties. You need to see a psychiatrist.

I was livid. By the time I got home, I was so ramped up I couldn’t talk about it. Cody was naturally concerned, though I still hadn’t told him about the lymphoma thing. After about half an hour, I was finally able to talk about it, and I told Cody, “She thinks I’m a crazy whore.”

Basically, my problems are caused by my mental issues and an STD. Two weeks ago, she was scaring me with cancer, and now she’s telling me it’s all psychosomatic. Great.

Cody and I didn’t really get a chance to talk much more, as his mom came over for dinner shortly after that. Later that night is when I got the call from my mom that my cousin was in an accident and would likely not make it. Not a very good day for me.

After talking about all of this with Pastor (whom I did tell about the possibility of lymphoma) and Cody, we decided to take a little more control of the situation. Pastor and I worked out a plan that I would make an appointment with a urologist as soon as I got home from our conference, and he suggested I call Cody on my way home to tell him of my intention so he could hold me to the decision. The two of them working in tandem is remarkable at times, I have to say.

Now that that was out of the way, I needed to see another general practitioner to get a second opinion on all the other crap. I found a doctor who could get me in on my day off, and it was off to the races.

This doctor actually listened! I took copies of all my labs from the other doctor, and he allowed me to go over the whole story of what had transpired up to that point. He asked a ton of questions and took the most extensive family history of anyone I’ve seen to date, and then it was down to business.

For the ears, he suggested a nasal spray, of which he gave me a sample. Unfortunately, the spray didn’t really work, so we’re sort of back to the drawing board on that one.

For the cramping, he suggested calcium and drinking milk. The calcium seems to be helping a lot, but the milk is touch and go, as it appears I may be lactose intolerant.

Now for the part where Jake eats a big old slice of humble pie. This doctor looked me square in the eye and asked if I had been diagnosed as bipolar. Wow. That was a wake up call. He then told me a big long story about a patient of his who was in a similar situation and how Zoloft had really helped him. *gulp*

He asked if I had ever tried a “rescue drug” for my anxieties, such as Xanax, which kind of caught me off guard. I didn’t know such a class of drug existed. I was intrigued. I tried to talk him out of the Zoloft, but eventually just gave in and decided it wasn’t worth fighting over. I would let him write it and just throw it away when I got home.

Well, when I finally did get home, Cody and I had to sit down and have a nice long talk. I filled him in on absolutely everything, including the lymphoma scare, and told him what the new doctor had said. I could tell Cody really wanted to push for the Zoloft, but I was firm in my refusal. I told him that the Xanax was worth a try to at least help with the worst of my anxiety attacks, but the Zoloft was not yet an option.

Well, that very weekend, Cody and I had a rougher time relationship-wise than we have had in quite some time. We hadn’t been getting along very well to begin with, and this particular weekend was pretty bad. By Sunday night, I knew something had to give and I was pretty sure Cody felt the same way I did. So by the time I got home from work on Monday, I had decided to give the Zoloft a chance in order to give us a chance. I knew that I had to do something in order to help us work through our issues together, and I have been back on meds ever since.

Yeah, me. The one who was never ever going to take meds again. *sigh*

On a positive note after all of that, it has been a few weeks since I started the meds, and Cody and Pastor both seem to think there has been some improvement. I’m probably always going to be at least somewhat skeptical, but I know that my relationship with Cody has improved at least. And the Xanax really does seem to help. It could be the placebo affect for all I know, but whatever it is, it’s working.

I don’t know how long I’ll be on this or any other medication, but right now I’m trying not to think about it. I’m setting small goals for myself, and for right now that seems to be enough.

It’s at times like this that I really wish I still smoked in my office.

Whenever I don’t have the ability to sit down and write in this journal, I wish that I could and think of all the things that I want to write about. Now that I actually have the time though, I’m totally stumped. It’s not even 1am yet, but I’m starting to get at least a little tired (maybe it was the beer). I think I’ll go read for a few minutes and then go lay down. Even if I don’t sleep, at least I can cuddle up next to Cody and be warm.

i shudder at the memory

2009-12-10T09:00:00.001-05:00

*WARNING: Not for the squeamish!!!*

November 17, 2009 1:00am

Well, ain’t this a kick in the head. I spent the weekend taking naps and slept in this (Monday) morning so that I could stay up to work late tonight, and we ran out of parts and left early. We still made fairly decent money, especially considering what I would be making working in the lab, but now I’m home at 1am and wide awake. I was scheduled to work until 3am, and I’m afraid it may be at least that late before I’m tired enough to fall asleep! At least I can get caught up on my writing, right?

So I left off at Saturday the last time I wrote. Saturday was quite the day, to say the least. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself giving all the details of the doctors appointments I’ve had over the last few months, but suffice it to say I have been seeing a urologist. I went the first time a little over two weeks ago, and I was rather impressed. Cody went with me for moral support, and we both agreed after the appointment that we really liked this doctor and felt very comfortable with him. Given the crap I’ve gone through recently with doctors, that’s quite a big deal. Well the urologist, Dr. Schneider, diagnosed me with overactive bladder and started me on a medication to treat it. He asked that I come back in two weeks for a follow up, and mentioned that he would like to scope my bladder on that visit.

Now, on the initial visit, we had already become closer than most men are, given the need to check for hernia and such, as well as a good old prostate exam. The thought of having my bladder scoped was not pleasant at all. He strongly recommended it though, so as to rule out bladder stones or any other conditions he might have missed with the routine check and ultrasound. So I begrudgingly made the appointment and just spent two weeks ignoring the impending test.

On Saturday morning, Cody was kind enough to go with me again. This time, I had a little more help dealing with the impending procedure though: I made sure to take a Xanax before I left! Now, I knew the general idea of what was going to happen, but I can say now that I was in no way prepared for the reality of what was about to happen. We discussed how I was doing on the meds that he had prescribed, and then without further ado, I was instructed to drop trou and lie back on the table. Dr. Schneider was kind enough to give me a paper blanket to drape over myself so I wouldn’t be completely exposed until it was necessary.

He then warned me that I would feel some cold soap, and he wasn’t lying. It was most definitely cold. Having the doctor clean off my penis was definitely a feeling I could live without, but as I was soon to learn, that discomfort was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. He had told me that he would give me lidocane to numb me before inserting the scope, but I had sort of assumed it would be some sort of cream applied to the skin. I was very, very wrong.

The doctor told me he was going to be giving me the lidocane, and then I felt him start to squeeze it into my urethra. Oh my, talk about unpleasant. He told me to just take deep breaths, as he was almost finished. I have never felt anything so uncomfortable in my life. He finally finished and then told me that he would be placing a clamp on my penis to keep the medicine in. He then covered me up and said he’d be back in a few minutes, at which point I should be numbed up and ready to go.

What he failed to mention was how freaked out I would be when I peeked under the blanket after he walked out of the room. I can’t explain what the clamp looked like with any sort of accuracy, but suffice it to say that seeing that contraption clamped onto my junk was very disconcerting! Cody was a doll at this point. I was still reeling from the discomfort of having something injected into my penis, and a little freaked out about the wire squishing me “down there”. He took it upon himself to go through the Reader’s Digest that he had brought in with him and read all the jokes to me. I wasn’t able to pay attention to all that he was saying due to my freaking out, but it definitely went a long way to calm me down.

After about five minutes, Dr. Schneider returned as promised. Except he failed to mention he’d be bringing a nurse back with him as well. *sigh* What’s one more person looking at my junk at this point, right? He said they were ready to get started so I laid back and waited. Turns out I didn’t have to wait long.

I have never in my life experienced anything so uncomfortable! I couldn’t do justice to the horridness of it if I tried. My immediate reaction was to just start sucking air. Dr. Schneider was talking to the nurse and Cody as though he wasn’t trying to split me in half from the penis up, and told me, “Good, good. Just take deep breaths.” Deep breaths my ass. I was in full on lamaz mode. I didn’t know how much longer I could stand it. I felt every single millimeter of that scope as he forced up into my bladder. I thought I was going to start crying or screaming or both. Next thing I know, he’s telling me my bladder looks great. No stones, no tumors. He’s going to check my urethra on the way out, which was fine too, as well as my prostate. It was over. I could dry off and get dressed; the nurse would have my antibiotic when I was done. I would be pretty uncomfortable until later that night or tomorrow morning according to him, but just be sure to drink lots of water.

Oh, it so was not close to being over.

After I dried off and got dressed (while telling Cody everything I wanted to scream during the procedure but couldn’t), I went across the hall to use the restroom before leaving. Oh what new level of hell is this?! Going to the bathroom makes the burning/pressure/evil feeling worse!

Stop at the receptionist to schedule a follow up in two months, and dance to the elevator thinking I’m going die if I have to drive home. Thank God Cody came with me. After the elevator ride, I bolted across the hall to use the restroom again, since I thought I would just pee myself right there. Oh, this is absolute torture. Peeing should not feel this horrendous!

I wiggled in my seat all the way home, trying to no avail to be able to explain to Cody what fresh hell was in my pants. I made it home and up the stairs, at which point I took the lessons I had learned already and decided to sit on the toilet to pee rather than stand. At least that way I didn’t have to worry about my knees buckling from the pain and discomfort. After some more lamaz breathing, I managed to make it downstairs to get a bottle of water. Wonderfully ironic, this situation. I feel like my penis is on fire when I pee, and I’m supposed to drink a bunch of water?! Cruel. Cruel and heartless.

After several more stops on the toilet, which involved a recovery time of at least twice as long as it took to pee just so I could stand back up, I had had enough. I told Cody I didn’t want to be awake for this torture anymore and went in the bedroom to lie down and try to sleep. Thankfully, I was able to sleep comfortably without too much discomfort. I did have to get up to pee one time, and since I had held it so long at that point, it was a new kind of hell. Same situation when I woke up, too. Fortunately for me, the more I went, the better it got. The water seemed to be helping in some way. By late that afternoon, I was comfortable enough to be able to leave the house, so Cody and I were able to go out as we had planned.

We had a function with our couple’s group that I thought I might have to miss, but I decided to wing it and just hope that it didn’t start to get bad again. Fortunately, I only had to pee about three times, and although it was rather uncomfortable, it was nothing like what it had been.

We actually had quite a nice time. We got to meet two new couples, including the hosts for the evening, and spend some time getting to know some other couples a little better. The party was a potluck and game night, and there were a ton of people there. I was kind of uncomfortable at first, and wishing I had popped a Xanax before we left, but eventually I relaxed a bit and just went with it. I had intended to just kind of sit and watch everyone else play, but one of the couples brought out a game and asked Cody and I to play. They were very encouraging, and we ended up having such a good time that we convinced a larger group to come downstairs and play with us a little later. After a few rounds of that game, we went back upstairs, and one of the same guys asked if I wanted to join in a different game, which ended up being very odd, but fun none the less. So I definitely owe Bud and Robert big thanks for making the evening more enjoyable.

Right before we left, ______ asked how my sabbatical was going and was curious as to what it was all about. I told him that I was trying to adjust to the new meds and work on myself and some relationships. He made a pointed effort to make sure I knew he understood where I was coming from and what I was going through and suggested that the four of us get together some time, as he thought we could talk about our common issues. I was very moved by his willingness to help and am actually somewhat eager to be able to talk to someone who’s experienced the same things I have. I won’t push for it to happen, but I’m hoping that ______ can help Cody understand what it’s like from his end too, so that Cody doesn’t feel so alone.

Sunday was much less eventful. Cody and I were both very tired from being out late, but Cody had promised to work in the soup kitchen at church that morning, and had to be out of the house by 8am. I had hoped to be able to go to Sunday School, but I was still having trouble going any length of time without needing to pee, so I skipped out on that and just went to church.

After church, Cody was finally able to get his H1N1 shot, which was great since he is on a medication that is an immunosuppressant. By the time he got home, we were both absolutely exhausted and decided to lie down and take a nice quiet nap together. We even agreed to lock the dogs up this time, since we were so tired that we didn’t want to worry about them being fidgety or waking us up to go outside. It’s nice to have the bed to ourselves every once in a while!

We ended up going out to dinner with a couple of friends later that night, which was a nice little treat. The food wasn’t the greatest, but the company was excellent. Unfortunately, they ended up running later than they had planned though. Since I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be eating till much later, I had taken my medicine on an empty stomach, which caused me to be even more nauseous than usual. By the time we got our food, I was stuck eating to try and combat the nausea, but eating was actually making it worse.

After we got home, I read for a while and then started getting sleepy. I don’t know if I was fighting a bug or what, but I just couldn’t stay awake any longer. Despite taking a two hour nap that afternoon, I still ended up in bed by 9pm, and I slept for over 12 hours! I woke up several times in the morning, but I knew that I needed to stay in bed as long as possible to prepare myself for working into the wee hours tonight.

I’m finally caught up! Now I can finally start going back over all the other crap I’ve wanted to write about. It’s almost 2:30am, and I think I’m finally tired enough to go to bed, so I’ll pick this up again tomorrow I think.

a day in the life

2009-12-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

November 15, 2009 8:20am

What an interesting weekend this has been! So many highs and lows, without a whole lot of in between. On Friday, I got off of work at 10am because we were still out of parts and weren’t going to get them early enough to justify our staying any longer. I was somewhat aggravated, since after the first hour and a half, Friday would have been all overtime for us. I am still grateful for the chance to work on the line all week though, even without the overtime. I didn’t bring my pay records home with me to figure out how much I made for the week, but I know that it is a significantly higher number than the hourly wage that I get paid in the lab. I get to work out on the line again next week, too. I’ll be on second shift for the first time in over a year, which doesn’t exactly thrill me since I’m so used to going to bed early and waking up early now, but I’m still thankful and consider myself quite blessed for the opportunity. I may work on the line the week of Thanksgiving as well, but I probably won’t find that out for sure until the middle of the week.

So getting off early on Friday afforded me an excellent opportunity to finally get outside and work in the yard. It was an absolutely beautiful, sunny day which was actually warm enough for me to work in a sweatshirt and enjoy the fresh air. I finally used the electric weed whacker that Cody bought specifically for me this past spring (since I have such a hard time using the gas-powered one, he has had to do all the trimming). I had used nothing but an old pair of pruners to cut down about half of all the ornamental grasses in the gardens, and my hands hurt for days afterwards. So on Friday I decided to experiment and see if I could cut down all the remaining plants in the gardens with the weed whacker instead. Thankfully, it worked rather well. I managed to chop everything down to the ground and get it all bagged up. That will make it easier to rake the leaves out both now and in the spring. It also makes it easier to not have all that dead foliage to clean up in the springtime and gives me a better shot at getting the weeds out before they get out of control again.

As I was walking around the patio table to cut down one bunch of ornamental grass, I noticed that the screen Cody place over the pond to catch all the leaves made it hard to tell there was even a pond there. I actually hoped at the time that some poor animal didn’t go scurrying through the yard and fall into the pond and drown. I made a mental note to mention it to Cody. So as I was working on the next big bunch of grass, I stepped around to get a better angle (that stuff is thick and hard to cut through!), my foot didn’t hit solid ground like it should have, and all I could think is “I don’t remember digging any plants up, why is there a hole here?” My foot hit the shelf along the edge of the pond before I realized what was going on. Thankfully I stepped where I did so that I only went in up to the middle of my calf. If I had stepped to the right or any farther into the middle, I would have been in up to the middle of my thigh and possibly lost my balance and made things much worse. I shudder to think about it now, realizing I was holding on to an electric weed whacker. Thank God for small favors!

As it was, I just kind of did an “I can’t believe my dumb ass just stepped into my own pond” and went about cutting down the grass chuckling to myself. Another reason to be thankful for the warm weather, since I was able to continue working without having to run in and change. I’m not saying that doing yard work while wearing one soaking wet sneaker is fun, but it was at least manageable.

I did learn fairly early in the day what the penance for being out of shape while weed whacking is though: My left bicep was in full revolt the rest of the afternoon. I had a hard time even bringing my hand to my mouth to smoke a cigarette, and when I got done later that afternoon, I wasn’t even able to cut my fingernails! It’s not as sore now, but there is definitely a dull ache there letting me know that it needs more stretching and exercise.

By the time Cody got home from working at the foodbank, I was just wrapping up with my yard work. I got a surprising amount done in a short period of time. I went inside and changed out of my wet pants, and we both just sort of putzed around the house. Being on this sabbatical, if I’m not really “into” reading or writing anything, I get a little listless and bored. So eventually, since Cody was upstairs playing on facebook (who could have seen that one coming?), I crawled into my recliner and curled up with an afghan to take a quick little nap. Ordinarily, Cody will come downstairs and turn on the TV and that will wake me up, so I figured I could steal a quick 15 minutes and then go about my day. Typically when I try to take a nap downstairs, the dogs refuse to be quiet for more than 20 minutes at a time, so they were my back up plan. Well, over two hours later, I woke up rather surprised by the three quietly sleeping dogs and Cody sitting on the couch watching TV. Apparently, I went out like a light and was quite dead to the world.

I usually get kind of aggravated when I sleep longer than I intended, but since I’ll be working late hours on second shift this week, I need to adjust my sleep pattern anyway. So after dinner, I went back and forth between reading downstairs and in my office. Sometimes I can read in the living room while Cody’s watching TV without a problem, but it was really distracting for some reason that night. So we kept dancing between who had “control” of the living room. He’s been super-sweet and accommodating during this whole sabbatical, so I have to give him a lot of credit. Friday night he was driving me nuts though. I would be reading downstairs while he was upstairs on the computer, and when he came down to watch TV, I would come up to my office and read. Then when he’d come back upstairs, I’d go down so I could sit in my recliner and be more comfortable than lying on the bed, and he’d come back down. Neither of us was at fault, it was just an exasperating evening.

Eventually, Cody went off to bed, and I curled up on the couch with a book and a nice cold beer. I figured I would need to stay up till about 11 or 12 before I would be tired enough to go to sleep since I had taken such a long nap. Next thing I know the little clock on the coffee table is beeping at me, and I wake up with my book open on my chest. I hadn’t even drunk half of my beer before passing out yet again! I had fallen asleep for at least two and a half hours, and it was now 12:30am. By the time I let the dogs out and made it up to bed it was almost 1:00am, and I was wide awake again! I thought for sure I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep again, but thankfully I nodded off a short time later and managed to sleep till the alarm went off.

This is a great place to stop, actually. Saturday was a very big day for me, so it will take quite a while to write out, and I need to jump in the shower and get ready for church.

smitten begins with smite

2009-12-08T09:00:00.001-05:00

November 12, 2009 6:30pm

I had a thought while I was downstairs, and I’m so glad that I remembered to get it out once I sat back down here. I have been meaning to go over this for quite some time, and I keep saying I’m going to mention it to Pastor, but I never manage to remember. Every once in a while, I get a flash of memory of what it was like when I first met Cody and came out of the closet. In fact, the very night that I came out to my parents is a prime example of what I want to talk about.

When I came out to mom and dad, let’s just say it didn’t go so well. We didn’t get too heated that night that I recall (although there were a couple of occasions shortly after that were), but it didn’t really go all that well either. I was upset and needed to talk to someone when I got home from my parents. I had told Cody earlier that afternoon that I was planning to come out to my parents, and he made it clear that I could call him to talk if I needed to. Well, did I ever need to talk to him. The problem was, I kept calling and calling his cell phone, but he didn’t answer. This would be the first of many, many occasions where I felt that I was being punished for being gay.

Cody and I had only been dating for about three or four weeks when this happened, and I remember to this day when I call Cody or give someone those numbers that the reason I memorized his home and cell phone numbers was because I spent so much time franticly dialing and redialing them. I remember a nasty storm, but I can’t be certain of it now; I think that my memory may have added that in over time to color the tale.

At any rate, I was trying desperately to contact Cody to no avail. He just wasn’t answering. So my mind, raised on fundamentalist Christian fire and brimstone, immediately went ape shit. This was my penance. I had called down the wrath of God upon the both of us for daring to walk willingly into a homosexual relationship. I feared the worst had happened to Cody. He wasn’t answering his phones because he had been killed in an accident. He had fallen off the side of the building at work. He had been struck down by a heart attack or a stroke. All because I came out to mom and dad.

It was not a pleasant way to spend the evening, I assure you.

As it turned out, Cody wasn’t home, so there was obviously no way he could have answered the home phone. He had gone for a motorcycle ride to his friend Paul’s house and he left his cell phone in his jacket pocket, and his jacket was in the driveway draped over the seat of his bike. No fire and brimstone. No heart attack. Just an everyday, run of the mill, simple explanation. Yet my mind, having been trained to think that homosexuals were the epitome of sin for 23 years, simply took off chasing rabbits every which way except the one that ended in truth.

There were so many occasions, particularly that summer, that something would trigger those horrible thoughts of God’s punishment. I would be driving the 90 mile journey to see Cody in a hellacious downpour with horrible winds, and my mind of course told me that God had sent the storm because I was going to see Cody.

There would be a terrible thunderstorm, and as I looked out Cody’s kitchen window, I was sure that God was going to send the huge oak tree in the back yard crashing through the back of the house, crushing everything in its path, including us.

It was like I was Charlie Brown with the rain cloud over my head. Only this was no ordinary rain cloud: this was the wrath of an angry, vengeful God. It was rough to say the least.

I’m exhausted, and I need a shower.

she works hard for the money, eh-eh, eh-eh

2009-12-07T09:00:00.001-05:00

November 12, 2009 4:00pm

Today I feel a bit better than yesterday. I got my ass handed to me at work, but by the grace of God, I came through it just fine. I’m so out of practice working on the line that I have a hard time keeping up with the rest of the line sometimes. This was my fourth day back on the line, and the third mount I’ve run. Since it is one of the heavier mounts work-load wise, I had to keep moving constantly.

At one point today, something happened that pissed me off, though I can’t remember what it was now. I just remember that it happened, and my immediate reaction was to say “God damn it!” which made me feel horrible at the time. I’m not one to get all upset over that kind of thing when other people do it, but I’ve been trying to stop doing it myself. Not only because it is taking the Lord’s name in vain, but also because it is damaging to my witness. It is also upsetting to me that that was the first thing to come flying out of my mouth when something didn’t go my way. I’ve been trying very hard to not react so quickly and strongly, and that happening today was a wake up call that I still have a lot of work to do.

Being back on the meds does seem to help my overall mood throughout the course of the day and keep the swings closer together rather than going from one extreme to the other. The drugs don’t stop my reactions though. Nor do they control how I react. I think eventually I won’t react as quickly once the meds have had their chance to really work their way into my system, but the rest is up to me.

So how do you learn to control and change bad behavior. Hopefully what I did today was at least on the right path. I quickly realized what I did and prayed that God would help me to stop doing that. I think that an awareness of it happening, as well as being conscious of how it makes me feel afterward will go a long way towards helping me to correct this behavior.

I got off work almost two hours early today. It’s kind of a bummer, since I really want to work as hard as possible for as long as they will let me the next couple of weeks. Considering how sore my body is though, it’s hard to be too upset about it right now. I’ve taken an Aleve and am enjoying a nice cold beer, so hopefully the physical aspect of my discomfort won’t be too intense tonight. As for the emotional and spiritual, I’m not so sure.

Right now I’m just writing in the hopes of some sort of breakthrough or epiphany. I’m trying to force an “a-ha” moment, which may or may not have the exact opposite effect. I just know that once I really get going with writing and hit something akin to stream of consciousness, the floodgates tend to open. So while I’m relaxing and waiting for my legs to stop throbbing and dinner to be done, I thought I would try my hand at a bit of journaling.

I guess I’m also writing for posterity’s sake as well. I think that a record of what I’m currently going through with starting the meds, as well as my technological sabbatical, may come in handy some day. Or maybe not. Who knows? I haven’t really decided whether I’ll post on my blog some or all of what I write these next two weeks, and I’m trying very hard not to write in the “voice” that I tend to use there. I’m making a concerted effort to write all this to myself and God and that’s all. I don’t want to try writing to entertain the masses with my wit, or garner sympathetic comments, etc. I just want to get everything I possibly can out of my head and into words.

All that being said, I just ran into a big ole’ brick wall. I’m currently out of words to write. Maybe I was right about the whole trying to force it will actually prevent it from happening thing. Either way, I’ll just stop here and pick it back up after dinner.

Journaling

2009-12-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

November 11, 2009 7:00pm

Somehow I thought this would be different. I didn’t really expect any great epiphanies within the first couple of days or anything like that. Yet I somehow thought I would be more “affected” by now. Don’t get me wrong. I am definitely feeling some effects here. Riding in the car without a radio on is strange every time. Not checking my facebook account or reading blogs every day is definitely odd. I have noticed that not only do I do these things because I want to, but there is also a real addiction on some level. I guess compulsion would be a better word for it. I keep feeling like I “need” to do these things. Having discovered that makes me feel better about my decision to abstain for the next few weeks though. Apparently I needed to do this for more reasons than I originally realized.

To get back to where I had started though, I just can’t help feeling I’m missing something. I thought that after a day or two I would just naturally have the urge to study more, to read more or to write more. Like going without all the other filler in my life would make me start to crave all the things I thought I would be doing. It just hasn’t happened yet. I keep waiting for this moment of clarity or inspiration to knock me upside the head, but apparently that is not how this works. It seems that I’m going to have to take the initiative to be productive during this sabbatical.

I just can’t help thinking that maybe I’m doing it wrong somehow. As though everyone else who has ever spent a dedicated amount of time trying to regroup and refocus themselves has just come to and through the process naturally. So of course I am now finding fault with myself in this process and allowing that to weigh me down versus just sucking it up and plowing through.

I don’t know what will come of this, to be sure. I do know one thing though: this is helping to build a little more intimacy with Cody. I’ve been trying to be more deliberate about spending quality time with him the last couple of weeks and making sure I focus on us and our relationship rather than myself and what I need/want. Having the TV off for a few minutes after I get home from work to talk about our respective days, as well as eating dinner together without the TV are just some of the ways we’re finding time to purposefully engage each other. It’s been great, and the connection we share is growing stronger in tangible ways.

twelve days of christmas?

2009-12-05T10:49:00.003-05:00

Hardly.

Although I know at least one or two people who will be excited enough at the prospect of a new post every day for the next twelve days to make it seem like Christmas.

I've finally gotten around to copying and pasting my Sabbatical Journal into different blog posts, and they are scheduled to post daily at 9am, starting tomorrow. It seems kind of odd to have posts scheduled in the future that were written in the past, but it is what it is.

I've actually considered turning off comments for these 12 posts, as I don't want to seem like I'm fishing for accolades, sympathy or anything in between. Since I enjoy being able to connect with people by commenting on their blogs, I thought how it would make me feel to not be able to and decided to leave the decision on whether or not to comment up to you.

*edit* I wrote almost all of this in a journal style, as it was important to me to write only for myself. I've decided to share it only as a means of trying to kickstart my lazy ass into posting more regularly about this crazy journey into crazyland. (I forgot to write this the first time I posted it so I had to come back and add it in!) *end edit*

Unfortunately, I've been too busy, tired, etc. to write this week, so the last post on 12/17 may end up being the last post for a while again if I'm not able to get my butt in gear. I've had several rough days over the course of the last week or two, and though I know it could help, writing remains outside of my reach.

I'm hoping to get the tree up this afternoon and to at least start decorating it today. As you'll see over the next couple of weeks, this is not the first time that I've woken up with that goal. Those who know me well know that I usually have my house decorated no later than Thanksgiving, but I'm just not "feeling it" yet this year. Cody and I decided to push through it this weekend though, in the hopes of possibly snapping me out of this melancholy funk I've been in as of late. He's been very sweet to not push me as of yet, which is another "theme" you'll likely pick up on in my journal. I'm so lucky to have him by my side, as I know that there are few people capable of the patience and understanding that he has shown.

I love you, Mr. Man!

because i still have over an hour before work

2009-09-29T05:44:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I know. Two posts in one week. That certainly hasn't happened in a while.

I have to be honest though. I don't really want to post right now. What I really want is to rewind to about 3pm yesterday.

That's when I went to the doctor for my follow-up appointment. Not that I got devastating news or anything. All my labs came back good. But a pleasant conversation was not had. I came home rather aggravated. It took a while, but I finally managed to spit it all out to Cody and finished up about 5 minutes before his mother arrived for dinner.

We had a pleasant dinner (chili! yum!), and his younger brother also came over after he got off work. By the time we finished dinner and were watching TV together, I was just getting settled in my chair and regretting that the Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins that I was craving for dessert were all the way in the kitchen.

Then my cell phone rang. I jumped up, expecting it to be my brother who tends to call about once a week (he's much more faithful about these things than I am, and thankfully he's accepted his role as the one who has to initiate a phone call), but I saw it was actually my mom. Ordinarily, I would let my phone go to voice mail when we have company, but since my I hadn't talked to her in a while, not to mention the fact that she gets aggravated that I'm not always immediately available when she calls, I figured I better answer it.

Oh, how I wish I hadn't.

I ran upstairs with the phone and went into the bathroom to sit on the toilet lid and have a cigarette while I talked to her since we had company downstairs and I don't smoke in my office anymore. Sitting out on the patio last night was definitely not an option.

She asked me a little about work and I explained what's been going on there lately, and then we talked a little bit about the coming weekend. Cody and I are supposed to head out to our friend's house this weekend for a clam back (ick!) and the final campout of the year. My mom and dad want to take my brother and sister in law to Yankee Peddler (an outdoor craft market of sorts that I'm too lazy to go looking for a link), which means we're all hoping for agreeable weather.

Then my mom asked if I had talked to my Aunt Amey. The timing was a little odd, but it didn't really throw me too much. If she gets any "family news", she'll throw a feeler out to see if I'm up to date yet before she repeats a bunch of stuff I already know. I told her that I hadn't heard from her in about a week or so, and asked what was up.

Mind you, other than the frustration with the doctor, I had been a pretty good high since Sunday morning. I had gotten baptized, and Pastor and the worship team at church had used the occasion to create a beautiful service centered around the act of baptism and what it means and an opportunity for the rest of the congregation to remember their own baptism and celebrate it.

We then went on to have lunch with Pastor and a handful of friends from church, which despite my discomfort with Cody's questionable jokes, was an amazing experience in itself.

A brief nap and change of clothes later, we met a group of our friends from church and other circles back at the church for a phenomenal concert. The event was opened by a local christian singer/songwriter, who was most excellent in her own right. She did a quick little set with an acoustic guitar, and was quite talented! Her name escapes me at the moment, so if you're reading this Pastor, please drop her name in the comment and I'll be sure to update the post!

The main attraction for the evening was Jason & deMarco, a duo formed by two young men who are partners in life as well as in their music ministry. They were incredible. Some original songs, some covers of familiar songs (an incredible rendition of Ave Maria which got a standing ovation was one notable example), and a little humor thrown in made for a wonderful evening.

There was a reception afterwards, filled with mounds and mounds of yummy cookies and other baked good(ie)s. Jason & deMarco manned the merchandise table themselves and talked to everyone going through the line in a very personable and authentic way that you don't see too often. They signed any and every CD when requested, and hopefully got some much needed support for their ministry.

It was quite an evening, and the perfect cap to an awesome day. Which is why I was still in such good spirits yesterday before my mom called. It's also why the blow of bad news she had called to pass along was so devastating. I would have crashed to earth fairly hard any other day, to be sure. But to go from such high spirits to what I got last night was pretty rough.

Apparently sometime Sunday night my cousin was in an accident. I don't know any details at all, really. I don't know if my mom just didn't share them or if she didn't know either. So I don't know what happened or how. All I know is that the neurosurgeons at the hospital had told my aunt and uncle that there really wasn't anything they could do, and from what I understand, my cousin is at this point only on life support as a means to keep his organs viable until they find recipients for them.

I managed the news pretty well coming from mom. The rest of the conversation pretty much consisted of shocked silence on my part while mom promised to call with any updates.

I stayed in the bathroom for a few minutes to pray after I hung up the phone, then called downstairs to Cody so I could let him know. He came up and we went in the bedroom so I could tell him without worrying about his mom or brother hearing me cry. I wanted to let him know what was going on and that I'd likely be going to West Virginia fairly soon. And I wanted a hug. I needed a hug.

I did cry a little, particularly when I told Cody and while he held me. Not too out of the ordinary for me. I don't cry as much as I used to, and while it bothers me sometimes, I'm kinda used to it.

Cody went back downstairs, and I came in here to write a quick email to Pastor and Bethany to ask for prayers. I didn't get two lines out before the waterworks started, and once they did, holy crap. I was ugly crying. I haven't cried like that in I don't know how long. I hate ugly crying. It took me almost 20 minutes to write one little email, because I couldn't see, couldn't breathe, couldn't stop shaking and sobbing. If I don't go through that again for the rest of my life, I'll be happy.

Once I finally managed to collect myself and make it back downstairs, I was pretty okay for the rest of the night. I managed to make it through the evening till about 9pm before I hit the sack with no reoccurence of ugliness, thankfully.

Then my beautiful, wonderful, sweet and kind dog decided to wake me up at 1:30am. If I wake up and have to pee, I can go back to bed. But when it's one of the dogs, by the time I make it through the whole process, I can't go back to sleep.

So I've been trolling the interwebs all morning, damn near finishing off a whole pot of coffee thus far. I checked my news feeds, shopped on Amazon, played on facebook (thanks for the survey, Pete), and read a few blogs. All by 5am.

I foresee a significant amount of Mountain Dew in my future.

as if i'm not already in a tizzy...

2009-09-27T08:58:00.001-04:00

Hey Gang. Don't mind me. Mild panic attack, but all will be fine. I was determined to post this morning, and even though I "feel" like I'm running behind, I know it's just nerves, so I'm going to do it. Not only because it's been forever, but it's gotten to the point where even though Robert mentioned my lack of posts, Pete has given up on begging me. So I'm taking that as a pretty big sign that it has been way too long.

At any rate, I'm nearing hysteria because the process of selecting a shirt to wear this morning culminated in my yanking every shirt I haven't worn in over two months out of my closet in a fit of rage. See, I stopped smoking in my office a couple of months ago in an effort to keep the clothes in my door-less closet clean. Yet, due to my procrastination in washing said clothes, they're still all covered in dust and nicotine. That nice white shirt with the blue and black pinstripes I was going to wear today? Yeah. Stained. So I've got the three white shirts I still own (I'm too accident prone to wear white, really. Not to mention the sweaty armpits, but I digress.) in the washing machine right now. Thank God for sloppy metrosexuals infiltrating our culture, so I won't have to iron the shirt before church. Slightly wrinkled seems to be the way to go as of late, so I should be in the clear. The style of shirt, thankfully, does not necessitate a crisp, pressed look. (Is "necessitate" even a word?)

So it's been a bit crazy lately, which would normally be perfect fodder for blogging, right? Not so much. I still can't get back into the swing of it. I am still just as addicted as ever to reading all manner of blogs. I just don't have enough "umph" to actually write one. Good intentions, yes. Horrible follow-through.

So I've had a couple of rants stewing as of late, which may still be forthcoming. Today I don't have the time though. In addition to the laundry crisis, I still have to shave and shower before church, too. Today's kinda a big day for me, so I want to stay "up" and not bog myself down with the aggravation that ranting would be sure to cause.

Today is my

crapijustwentdowntochecktheshirtsinthewasheranditdidntallcomeout

nowihavetorewashthemwithbleachwhichmakesmenervouscauseidont
wannaruinmygoodshirts

I won't panic. I won't panic. I won't... I'm lying. I'm freaking out. I now have one hour and fifteen minutes to get my clothes cleaned and dried, shave and take a shower, get dressed and pack my bag for church. Yes, I have to pack a bag for church. Today is the day I get baptized!

I joined the church a while back, and re-affirmed my faith at the same time (Something I try to do regularly anyway, being the heathen that I am. It's just usually between God and myself, rather than in front of a congregation.), and I asked Pastor if I could be baptized. I have been baptized once, long long ago, but wanted to participate in the affirmation of my faith as an adult.

I had a couple of friends at work get a little bent out of shape when I mentioned it in passing this past week while telling a little anecdote about Cody thinking that Pastor was messing with him ("Is Titus really a book in the Bible?!"), so I'm now rather conscious of the fact that some people may be aggravated with me when they read this post because I didn't tell them either.

I didn't really tell anyone, actually. So please don't be hurt if you feel I've left you out of the loop. There wasn't really a loop to begin with.

I'm excited though, because (as you'll see if you follow my little linky-loo), Pastor and the worship team went out of there way to make an awesome service out of this day. Pastor decided, and I agreed, that it would be a great opportunity for one of the more "contemporary" services, and I'm stoked to see what they've come up with.

Plus, my friend Jeanette is going to come watch me get dunked, which is awesome cause I always want my friends to come check out how fantastic my church is! Although she's threatening to bring a camera, too. I may have to hurt her.

M'kay. I really do need to get my butt in gear. This face ain't gonna shave itself!

OOOOOOHHHHHH! I almost forgot! Come to this concert tonight if you can make it! We'd love to have you!!!!!!!!

something to chew on while i'm gone

2009-07-02T08:44:00.002-04:00

Hey gang,

Cody and I are headed out this afternoon to go camping for the weekend. I stumbled upon this in my reader and thought I'd share it with y'all before I shut down the computer. Enjoy!

Dear DNC

I truly "support" Democrats being elected in 2010 and 2012. I am a "fierce advocate" of the Democratic Party after all. I know that I have promised you my support over the past few decades and have done my best to follow through.

Even now I am "working towards" a financial donation to the Party. I do have to ask for your "patience" though, because as a gay man, my family and I are still second class citizens and are having to funnel our resources towards causes that protect and honor our basic civil rights. "We have a lot on our plate."

We are "proceeding" towards lifting the denial of funds to the DNC and are "developing a strategy" that will get us there by the end of Obama's time at the White House. As a matter of fact, my family has planned several "meetings" to discuss these very important donations and will be sending out a press release shortly to announce our "cocktail party" celebrating Democracy.

Thanks for understanding. And hang in there!

Sincerely,

Liam

Original source
Where I read it
Where he read it
(Gotta give credit where it's due, ya know)

Hope you all have a great weekend!!!

craptastic

2009-06-29T21:11:00.001-04:00

Sorry about the huge font size in the previous post, gang. I've tried to fix it three times. It's normal in the edit window....

Thanks for the heads up, Julie.

pimpin' ain't easy

2009-06-29T20:01:00.008-04:00

Hey gang,

First of all, I have to say hello to all the recent visitors! Welcome to the murky depths! I kid. Mostly.

No major news or anything, but I do have goodies for you all!

First up, the newest addition to the blog roll, The Katy Chronicles. A sweet, sweet young lady I'm sure you'll all love!

Now I have a favor to ask. Don't groan. It's not lady-like. Besides, you will love it. And you may even win a prize.

I would love for you to visit to of my friends. They're both members of a social networking group that Cody and I belong to, and I happen to think they're pretty great guys. Aside from their overall awesometasticness though, they have some pretty cool stuff to check out.

First up is Dan. Dan is a bit of a jack-of-all-trades when it comes to homes. He is or has been involved in many facets of real estate and design, and he's good at what he does. Dan has recently started writing about home staging for examiner.com. As much as we would all love to move to our dream home, it's not a reality for the majority of us. So why read about how to stage a home if you're not actually selling? Simple. Dan offers great advice that is applicable whether you plan to move or not. I got a lot out of his most recent article concerning sticking to one room at a time while cleaning, and the best way to go about de-cluttering. So GO!

Next up is Robert. Robert, together with his partner in crime and time Bud, own and operate The Great Lakes Design Collaborative. They are a Cleveland-based design firm that strives to be as "green" as possible. I would encourage all of you to check out their site (Mr. Architect in particular), as they have some great plans for the future of building and design. Quite the team, these two.

For those not looking to formally update or build (wish I could afford it myself, but that's neither here nor there...), you still need to check out the blog. Robert writes the majority of the time, with Bud popping in now and then to write as well. These guys not only know their stuff, they're passionate about it. Robert is also passionate about spreading knowledge about how we can all make an impact. The Great Lakes Green Pages is a blog you'll all definitely want to add to your reader!

In honor of the late Billy Mays:

But wait!!! There's more!!!

Robert is actually having a giveaway this week! If you subscribe to his blog and leave a comment on the appropriate post, you would win a prize! Robert is also a phenomenal photographer, and he is currently drawing names to win one of his limited edition prints!

Like I need another reason to troll blogs all day, people are giving me stuff to read them now!!! Seriously!

I've puttered around on Robert's art page before, and he really is good. So subscribe today and be sure to leave him a comment or two this week. You just might win some art.

Even if you don't get your hands on one of these stunning prints, I guarantee you'll get something out of visiting both of these sites!

This is making me wonder if I should have a contest too.

Oh! I know!

You all compliment me on my gardens and wish you had them, right? So maybe the funniest commenter gets to help me pull weeds?!

No?

thanks, mom

2009-06-28T21:24:00.003-04:00

I've always had a propensity to clean when I know company is coming. Turns out that holds true for this space, as well. I know my regular crowd (all five of you!) tend to keep up with me in your reader, so I don't clean house too often. I know when I click through my reader to leave a comment on your blogs, I'm always surprise at the changes in color and theme and such.

Since there have been a couple of new people dropping by, I figured it was time to tidy up the place a bit. I know absolutely nothing about changing themes and layouts and crap, so I pretty much just switch back and forth between two pre-made themes.

I had to get rid of that Heinz app on the sidebar. The picture was so big it covered part of the text. Can't have that, now can we.

I also added one of those neat little blogs I follow widgets that I've been seeing more of lately. Every time I go to Pete's page I think, "I gotta get me one uh them there doo-dads!"

I also updated all the blogs I've been following as well. I give you guys shout-outs a lot, but I put on a few other sites that I enjoy.

And I swear, Robert, I've been following your blog since it was mentioned in the newsletter. I didn't just add you cause you dropped by. Honest. Well, maybe a little...

What? You guys didn't know there was a newsletter? You thought all the crazy people from Focus on the Family were making that up? Oh no. It's real. How do you think we know what's on the "gay agenda"? The gay newsletter, of course!

I kid. It's actually a newsletter put out once a month by a social group Cody and I belong to. It just happens to be an exclusive gay and lesbian only social group. Because world domination will be achieved in .pdf format!

Seriously though. Go check out some of those other blogs!

Speaking of, I've had a lot of fun this past week or so getting back into updating regularly. Maybe it will stick this time? Maybe I'll not delete two years worth of posts again? Maybe I'll cycle again next week and it'll all be a memory?

Who knows?

I'm having fun in the process though!!!

P.S. K, I didn't add your link because I'm not 100% clear on whether you want that to be public knowledge. Your call, sweetums!

for pete's sake

2009-06-28T16:18:00.005-04:00

I was pleasantly surprised to see these had bloomed this morning!

I'm so happy with the flowers I chose for my baskets this year.

This monster was less than two feet tall the first year I had it. It now shoots up over 4 feet in about two weeks!

The Japanese maple seems to finally be on the upswing! It was hairy for a while there! I love how striking the green of the sweet potato vine is against that deep red background.

This is the bed I dug up and re-planted earlier this year. It'll be kinda sorry looking this year, but hopefully it will fill out next spring.

I'm still not happy with the pond this year, but what can you do?

they move me

2009-06-28T08:41:00.002-04:00

It's been a pretty big day in the blogosphere, folks.

Love, grace and healing.

Acceptance, understanding and joy.

Forgiveness, patience and reward.

...the rest of the story

2009-06-24T04:58:00.004-04:00

Wow!

Two posts in two days! That's a record for me, I think. I used to post more often, but we won't get into that conversation.

I hope y'all are happy. I'm skipping my morning dose of Rachel Maddow to write this. I record her show at night and then watch it before work while I'm having my coffee. As I was checking my mail this morning though, I got Tim's comment and was reminded of my promise last night to pick up where I left off.

Speaking of Tim's comment, he sure did hit the nail on the head with facebook, didn't he?! He always leaves such nice comments. It's like coming home from the grocery store and finding a nice note taped to the door. "Stopped by to say 'hi', but you were out."

Or maybe I've been reading too much Jane Austen (in the period of her novels, visitors leave a card/note when the people they popped in on aren't home to let them know they were there). Okay. That made sense in my head. Honest.

On a side note, if you guys haven't read Tim's blog, I highly recommend you start. Add him to your reader, and you'll find yourself fairly blessed. I actually use his posts as part of my daily "devotions" in the morning. I put devotions in quotes because I'm horrible about setting aside time for them. But I know I can, at the very least, spend a few minutes reading Tim's latest insight every day. Makes me feel a little better on my lazy days anyway.

Now where was I headed last night when I stopped? Oh, right: church.

So, as I mentioned, things are a little different than I'm used to there. The thing that's important, to me anyway, is that nothing is different enough to be uncomfortable. The exciting thing is, they are actively learning and growing, and there are some changes in the works. It's not all stuff that will happen overnight, as they are trying to do things slowly, purposely, and prayerfully. It turns out I started attending at the tail-end of years of planning, research and praying in this congregation as to what God's plans and intentions for this body are. So not only is it exciting for me as a new member, it's also an exciting time for everyone else too.

I had been saying for weeks that I needed to really spend some one on one time with God talking about whether or not to join this church, but never got around to it. Then Sunday morning would come and at the end of service, I would want to head up front to declare my intent to join, but I couldn't without talking to God first.

So on Sunday morning two weeks ago, I was going down my list and praying and actually remembered to drop this off in God's mail slot. Well, turns out all I had to do was ask. God quickly made it abundantly clear that this was the right direction for me at this point in my life. I've only had a few moments in my life where I've had that much indescribable peace about a decision.

I then made sure that it was okay with Cody before church that morning. He's gone a few times, and I didn't want him to feel like I was making this decision without his input. I let him know that I wanted to become a member and wanted to make sure he didn't have any objection to it. He may or may not become a member there eventually himself, but I wanted to make sure that I wasn't becoming a member somewhere he was uncomfortable. He asked me what all that involved, and pretty much said that, so long as I didn't have to sacrifice a live animal to do it, he was cool with it. Gotta love him...

Turns out I genuinely surprised the Pastor when I walked to the front of the church, too. He has since explained to me that he knew I had been struggling for a while with my faith and finding a church. He knew from emails I had sent him and from reading one of my posts here that I'm pretty picky (for lack of a better word) about where I worship.

One thing I find particularly awesome is that Pastor has agreed to help me out one-on-one with some pastoral counseling. I had explained to him that I've had issues (understatement much?) with depression and anxiety in the past that have cause problems for me and also in my relationships. I didn't go into detail at the time, but I mentioned my past experiences with therapy and medication. Since I had agreed back in September to try therapy again with and/or without Cody, I still haven't seen anyone though.

I pretty much asked if Pastor would be willing to be an accountability partner for me in my therapy, and be available to talk about it on occasion to try and make the process a little more comfortable. I hoped that a little guidance from him would alleviate some of the concern with the sometimes conflicting secular/spiritual aspects of therapy.

Well, thankfully, Pastor agreed to not only help by being my accountability partner, he offered his pastoral counseling as well!

So this past Monday, I had my first appointment to talk with him, and it was wonderful. He really is a good man, with a huge heart, and he actually listens without judging. I'm so encouraged by that first visit, and have great expectations of blessings to come.

I talked a bit more in depth about my past experiences, which fairly well mortified him, and we spent some time discussing "The Plan" a bit more specifically. He's totally on board with the idea of seeing him as well as a "traditional" therapist. The therapist can deal with things outside of his scope, and Pastor will hold me accountable to make sure I'm actually participating as well as be a sounding board for how therapy is going in general. Additionally, he has agreed to help me with the spiritual side of my struggles and relationships.

I really am stoked!

I also really am going to be late for work if I don't wrap this up....

surprise!

2009-06-23T17:49:00.002-04:00

Hi guys!

I have a few "free" minutes, so I figured I'd write a quick little update.

I've been so damn busy doing nothing lately! Honestly, I don't know where all my time goes. I need to manage it better. I have decided to delete my myspace account at the end of this week, as there are only two people I'm friends with on there that I don't communicate with any other way and one just signed up for facebook. I feel sorta guilty since the other one is my aunt, but other than reading her status updates and looking at her pictures, I don't do much with her there either. It's just one more website to check in on every day.

I've also given up on twitter. It was becoming a real pain. I found myself stopping in the middle of what I was doing to tweet, and that just wasn't cutting it anymore. Not to mention, the majority of what I see on twitter also gets posted to facebook, so I was reading the same thing twice every day.

I'm still following quite a few blogs, but now that I'm using a reader, it doesn't take nearly as much time. The only problem is that I tend to get lazy with commenting now.

As for my "real" life, things are going fairly well, I must say. I've been participating in this "Million Step Challenge" at work for the last month or so, and I'm actually getting into it. I don't know that I'll make it to 1,000,000 steps before the deadline, but I'm getting a little healthier trying. Last time I weighed myself, I had lost 7 pounds since the start date! It's not much, but my jeans aren't tight anymore!

It's honestly kind of fun. I'm challenging myself to get more and more steps every day, and so far I'm succeeding. The problem is the weekends! I can get over 20,000 steps in on a work day, but on weekends, I'm lucky to break 4,000 steps a day. I need to start walking the dog or something. The pedometers they gave us don't register steps after going to "standby mode" until you take 5 in a row. So since our house is small, I can walk back and forth all day, but never far enough for it to count them. It's frustrating, to say the least.

I've been walking laps around the parking lot at lunch, and most days I go across the street to the park after work and do laps around the track there. My goal for the week is to walk a consistent 5 minute lap and be able to jog the 10th lap entirely. I'm hoping that by the end of summer I'll be able to jog every other lap.

Other than that, it's been pretty busy. Cody is still laid off, but he's been helping friends with odd jobs lately. So that sort of throws the dinner schedule all out of whack. I try not to complain though, because it gets him out of the house and puts a little money in his pocket.

I've also become an official member at the church I have been attending. I've been going since the end of February or so, and I really feel at home there. It's not like any church I've attended in the past to be honest. So there are some things that are a little foreign to me. Overall though, I love it. The pastor there is incredible, and also incredibly nice.

Crap. So much for a "quick little update" huh? I've got to go get dinner started, so I'll wrap this up.

Suffice it to say, after attending for a while and shooting a couple emails back and forth with Pastor, and praying about it of course, I've decided to make it my home church.

I'll try to post more soon, I promise!

pictures are up!!!

2009-06-15T15:10:00.002-04:00

Wow, that was freaky.

I tried posting earlier, and for some reason the letters were going onto the screen backwards. I re-started the computer and double-checked that I was virus-free. Everything seems fine now, thank God.

Anywho....

Just wanted to let you all now that I finally got some of my vacation pictures uploaded to Flickr. There should be a little badge on the right you can click to visit my page, or you can just click here.

I opened it up so anyone could see so that y'all could peek at them for awhile!

I know it seems kind of lazy to not post any here, but I took the time to re-size and upload over 200 pictures this morning. I really don't feel like fighting with blogger right now, and their upload tools suck if you have more than a few to post.

We took over 2,600 pictures in 9 days, so I tried to get the highlights for you.

psst, pete. i'm posting!

2009-06-13T08:13:00.004-04:00

Hey gang!

So Pete not-so-subtly reminded me a few days ago that I never got back on here and finished posting about vacation. It has been on my to-do list, I swear! You know how I am though, I can spend hours online reading everything YOU write, but I'm so horrible about writing myself. I used to love doing this, but I just haven't been able to get back into the swing of posting.

At any rate, I left off the last time getting ready to head to Biltmore Estate in North Carolina. I have to say, despite getting off to a really questionable start in the morning, this day made up for all the changes in plans and re-routing of the previous week. And then some.

It was a fairly cool morning, like upper 50's, so I opted for jeans and luckily was smart enough to throw a jacket in the car "just in case". Cody drove me to the estate, and I stopped to get tickets on the way in. I had to get my general admission ticket, of course, but I also bought tickets for the two tours that I didn't take advantage of two years ago and have regretted since. We'll get to that later.

Now, this is an estate in the old sense of the word. When George Vanderbilt bought this property, he didn't but a couple of acres to build a house. He bought MILES of property. Which means you don't just pull in off of the road and into a parking lot. You take a scenic drive through 3 miles of estate grounds which were planned by Frederick Law Olmsted. Name sound familiar? Yeah, that would be the guy who designed Central Park in New York among other notable parks and gardens.

So Cody drove me up to the house and pretty much dropped me off at the front door, like the genteel Victorian lady I am! Okay, not really, but it was still nice. The access road obscures any view of Biltmore House by design, and for good reason. Your initial spotting of the the roof line through the trees forces your mind to start going, "Are you serious?!"

Yes. He was serious.

The house is referred to as America's Castle for a reason. Immense doesn't really come close. There are, of course, many other public and private buildings that are much bigger.

I could go on babbling, but I'll just cheat a little here and do a little copy/paste job:

The History of America's Largest Home

Building Biltmore was, at the time, one of the largest undertakings in the history of American residential architecture and the results were astounding. Over a six-year period, an entire community of craftsmen worked to build the country's premier home. The estate boasted its own brick factory, woodworking shop, and a three-mile railway spur for transporting materials to the site.

A New World Château

The celebrated architect Richard Morris Hunt modeled the house on three châteaux built in 16th-century France. It would feature 4 acres of floor space, 250 rooms, 34 bedrooms, 43 bathrooms, and 65 fireplaces. The basement alone would house a swimming pool, gymnasium and changing rooms, bowling alley, servants' quarters, kitchens, and more.

An Environmental Wonder

The grounds of the 125,000-acre estate were designed by Frederick Law Olmsted, the creator of New York's Central Park and the father of American landscape architecture. He not only developed acres of gardens and parkland, but in his efforts to protect the environment and reclaim over-farmed land, Olmsted established America's first managed forest.

A True Family Home

George Vanderbilt officially opened the home to friends and family on Christmas Eve in 1895. He had created a country retreat where he could pursue his passion for art, literature, and horticulture. After marrying the American Edith Stuyvesant Dresser (1873–1958) in Paris during the summer of 1898, George and his new bride came to live at the estate. Their only child, Cornelia (1900–1976), was born and grew up at Biltmore.

Source

Yeah. Two hundred fifty rooms. Not to shabby, huh?

So Cody dropped me off shortly after 10am, so I had just under half an hour to kill before my first tour. It just started to sprinkle as I was getting out of the truck, and it was so cold. I thanked God again for the foresight of bringing a hooded jacket on this trip and headed off to find the bathroom!

After a quick potty break and a smoke 'em if ya got 'em last chance for a while cigarette, I went to the meeting location for my 10:30 "Behind the Scenes" tour. While waiting for the tour to start, it started pouring to beat the band. Let's not forget the thunder and lightning now! Let me tell you, thunder and lightning causes little girls to shriek like banshees. Little girls shrieking like banshees under a stone porte-cochere is just about too much for my ears to take. Everytime the thunder "clapped" these girls would do it again, which they found highly amusing. Everyone with ears over 8 years old, however.... A lot of wincing going on.

The tour was rather interesting, and believe it or not, I met a couple who used to live in Euclid! When I told him I lived near the golf course, he of course knew where it was and informed he had been a part of the group that worked to have it built! Small world and all that...

Our tour stayed mostly near the "Bachelors' Wing" hall and stairway. Being a smaller more private stairway designed to allow the single male guests to flit in and out at all hours of the night quietly and privately, it is fairly segregated from the main common areas of the house. It's close proximity to the working rooms and hallways of the house allowed us to see a lot of what went on behind the scenes of the estate (hence the name of the tour) and the life the employees led.

We also got to see some of the workings of the house itself, which was actually pretty fascinating to me. I walk by my furnace and hot water heater every day on the way in and out of the house, but never give them a second thought. Seeing what was involved in providing comfort for a house this size in 1895 was quite remarkable!

Mr. Vanderbilt made sure when he built this house that it had all the amenities available in any of New York's fine hotels of the period. Trust me, this place has amenities in spades!

Now during this tour, there were a couple of times that the guide would normally have taken us out onto a walkway or courtyard outside. Since it was raining, we had to settle for looking out the windows instead. No big deal really, as there are certainly plenty of windows in this house to look out of.

Problem was, I was supposed to go out on the roof during my next tour!

Once the tour was over, I headed out for the bathroom and another quick smoke break. My next tour was meeting up in the main foyer at noon, and I only had about 15 minutes.

Once I got to the foyer, one of the docents (they're all so nice!) saw me just sort of lollygagging and asked if I was there for the 12:00 "Rooftops & Walkways" tour. I informed her that I was, and to my dismay she informed me that they did not go out on the roof during electrical storms. I didn't take the opportunity to inform her that it was actually a thunderstorm that just happened to have a lot of voltage running through it...

At any rate, she told me I had a couple of options. I could take the tour, sans rooftop, I could re-schedule for later or, my least favorite option: Go on the "Behind the Scenes" tour since they were the same price. I groaned and informed her that I had already taken that tour. She suggested that I take a few minutes to mull it over before I met with my guide and made a decision.

After some bitter thought, I started to head to the information counter having made up my mind to just re-schedule and try my luck later. As I was approaching the counter, another docent saw me and met me halfway. She had correctly assumed that I was her 12:00 tour.

We pretty much covered the same ground as I had with the last lady. My guide, Marilyn, seemed to have a little sense of adventure though. She actually seemed willing to take me so long as I was willing to go. So I thought "Why not?"

One thought that kept crossing my mind through this whole thing though: "Jake. Seriously. You're afraid of heights. So you want to pay $15 for the 'priviledge' of walking on a wet roof? C'mon. You're kidding, right?"

Somehow, I was taken over by a braver soul than my own and actually uttered the words, "Well, I have a hood on my jacket, so it you're willing to take me, let's go!"

Marilyn, completely calm grabbed an umbrella and said, "Follow me."

Now, the whole time I'm talking to her, the realization is creeping up on me that there is no one else here. Don't get me wrong now; there are hundreds of people milling about. The conversation with Marilyn was completely one-on-one though. And I finally realized that my tour would be also.

So I was bummed that I wouldn't get to go out on the roof. I was actually a little relieved about it too if I'm being honest. But I was going to get a personal, private tour of areas of Biltmore House no one else gets to see!!!! The tour normally has a small group of 10-15 people, but the rain was preventing all the sane and rational people from signing up!

Lemme tell ya, on the inside, I was shrieking like those little girls in the thunderstorm!!!!!

(I personally think that was worth more than five exclamation points, so no complaining from the grammar nazi's!)

This tour was beyond words. Marilyn guided me down hallways that no one but staff (and the owners family, I'm sure) get to see. I got to peek into rooms that have yet to be restored and see the condition that the house was in when restoration started. I learned about the process and saw all the many pieces of furniture that were not in use. They use the rooms that aren't open to the public to store all the furniture that is either not needed at the time or has not been restored yet. And since they store like items together, there are literally rooms full of head and foot boards for beds. Rooms full of mirrors. Astounding. Simply astounding.

One of the cool parts was that we even went into and through rooms that were on the normal tour. Except we were standing on the other side of the velvet ropes! It was so cool to be following this guide around from room to room, and when we'd come to a roped off area, she would unclasp the rope from it's pole and allow me to pass through, re-attaching the barrier behind me.

At one point we went into a room that the main tour goes through as well. Except they were on the floor, and we were walking across a little balcony that went around the perimeter of the room!

People were gawking at us. Some of them staring in amazed wonder. More than once, people would stop what they were doing and "eavesdrop" on our conversation to hear about the "insider information" that was being provided to this V.I.P. guest. Okay, not really, but it was fun to pretend I was some special diplomat or something. Truth be told, anyone willing to fork over the 15 extra bucks would have gotten the same treatment.

Well. Maybe not the same. I got a private tour, after all. Tee hee!

To my absolute delight, about halfway through this tour, the rain stopped. The sun broke through the clouds. My heart was all atwitter with anticipation!

When we got to the point where we were ready to head out onto the roof, Marilyn seemed almost as excited as I was! This lady absolutely loves her job, and loves this house. That's why I can remember her name, actually. She did such a phenomenal job and made such an impression on me that actually requested to take her picture when we were all done, and I made sure to get her name tag in clear view to be sure that I never forget her.

Anyway, the reason she was so excited was due not only to the fact that the rain was clearing up so we could head out onto the roof, but because of the mist.

We see the mist and haze around here when the sun breaks through the clouds right after the rain. It's an entirely different story when it happens in the mountains though. It's absolutely stunning! I'm a lover of mountains, and a lover of this house. As it turns out, Marilyn is as well. So she was positively giddy that I would be able to see the house in the mist.

"You're going to be able to get some great pictures today!"

What?!

Oh yes. Another absolutely phenomenal surprise. See, you can take as many pictures of the house and grounds as your heart desires (and believe me, my heart took a lot of photos!), but you aren't allowed to take photos or video at all inside the house. I had my camera bag strapped on to take pictures of the house and gardens later, but it never occured to me that since I would be on the roof, I was most definitely outside the house and could snap away.

So like two giddy little schoolgirls, Marilyn and I climbed out onto the roof.

Oh. My. Lord. In. Heaven.

I can't even begin to describe the views I saw that day. Not only the absolutely majestic peaks rising behind the towers and dormers along the roofline of this spectacular castle. Seeing the house itself from above rivals almost anything I have seen before or since.

I got some great pictures, which Cody says are awesome. I'm not as excited. Try as I might, I was not able to capture what I saw in a way that does it justice. Remembering later that night that I had a frickn' video camera in my bag about brought me to tears. I wish more than anything I had remembered it at the time. Alas.

I was on an absolute high the rest of the day. The sun stayed out and warmed things up enough to take of my jacket. I toured the house proper after my super-special-awesome tour was over. The fact that I had been through before made it cool too. Since Cody wasn't with me I was able to stop and hover over the stuff I liked the most or had missed previously. They opened a new wing this year as well, after finally having restored it to it's former glory. Astoundingly beautiful, this "Louis XV Suite" was one of the guest suites in the home. The most beautiful of the rooms in this suite is the "Louis XV Room" itself. Named for the king who inspired the decor, it is absolutely stunning.

Moving on to the gardens and grounds, my trigger finger was firing constantly. I had made it at the tail-end of the peak bloom time in the Azalea Garden, and I was taking all sorts of pictures. Unfortunately, the pounding rains from the week prior had wreaked havoc on these delicate blossoms. While I was indeed able to get some rather nice pictures of the plants in general, with their striking size and color, any close ups were mostly curtailed by the damage caused by all the rain.

I spent a good deal of time in the formal gardens and conservatory, but didn't have much time to walk too far on the grounds. My focus was on the Spring and Azalea Gardens, and I just didn't have the time to walk the rest of the way to the bass pond like I did the last time.

Cody was planning to spend the day tooling around town and had to be back on the grounds by the time the gates closed for the day. When I called him a little before 4pm to let him know I was almost ready, he was already in a parking lot on the grounds waiting for my call. He would have let me keep going until the shut down for the day, but I was trying not to take advantage of his kindness. With just enough time left, I quickly ascended the hill facing the house for some more pictures of the house and foregrounds before Cody came to pick me up.

I'm sure Cody would laugh if you asked him whether I had a good time or not that day. The poor guy. From the moment my hand hit the door handle of the truck until well into dinner over an hour later, my mouth did not stop moving! Like an excited little kid, I talked non-stop and only breathed when necessary for staying conscious.

The day was capped off by a fantastic dinner at a German restaraunt, which made us both quite happy (and full)!

The following morning, we headed off to pick up the last (and highest) leg of the Blue Ridge Parkway. We went through a little faster than either of us really wanted to, as there was (surpise, surprise) rain forecasted for that afternoon. Since we would be twice as high as we were when we drove through Shenandoah, we knew we didn't want to get stuck in the mountains when the thunderstorms arrived.

We did manage to take a quick hike to another waterfall though. Not as high as the one we saw earlier in the week, but it was a bit wider with a lot more volume. The sun being out was a nice touch, as was the puppy that was playing in the water with his humans. I think Cody was more enamored with the puppy than the waterfall to be honest. He mentioned the possibility of dog-napping more than once.

Having made it to the entrance of Smoky Mountain National Park without incident, we popped into a gift shop/information center to fulfill our mission of purchasing the souvenirs we never got two years ago.

Unfortunately, as we headed out across the park, it started to rain. Nay. POUR. A good, heavy, soaking mountain rain. I had to drive up and over the mountain in it. Mountain roads don't really bother me, but when it's raining that hard, it's another story entirely. Add to that the SUV that was crawling up my ass the entire time (despite my going 5-10 mph over the speed limit), and it was a little aggravating!

It finally stopped raining by the time we got through the park into Gatlinburg, and we stopped to be tourists for a bit. We had such a blast the last time we were there that we just "had" to stop again since we had time. Forgetting that there's not much to do except shop unless you've got time and money, we basically paid $8 to park there long enough to walk the strip and have a late lunch. Ah well. What are you going to do?

We actually popped into a fairly large Christmas store (who's surprised here?) in Pigeon Forge, which I was totally unimpressed with. There wasn't a whole lot there that fit my taste, and the stuff that was to my liking was over-priced and then some. That's saying a lot coming from me. As much as I love all things Christmas, I'm quite accustomed to over-paying for glitzy and gaudy. So when I think you're charging to much, that's something.

The rest of the day was a fairly uneventful, but beautiful drive through the mountains of Tennessee and Virginia to our hotel in I-forget-the-name-of-the-town.

I have to stop here and say this: We drove a LOT on this vacation. Ohio to Pennsylvania to Virginia, passing through Maryland and West Virginia along the way. On through North Carolina to South Carolina and eventually to Georgia. Back through the Carolinas, through Tennessee and on to Virginia. Up through West Virginia and straight up through Ohio.

Tennessee wins the contest for worst drivers. Ever. Hands down.

Had to get that off my chest.

The drive from Virginia back home was fairly nice, although I was quite aggravated with the weather. After spending a week in 75 to 85+ degree weather, spending my days and nights where palm trees grow naturally in the ground and not just in pots in greenhouses, coming home to 62 degrees and having to put pants on just to unload the truck was not my idea of a good time!

Okay, that was long to say the least. Hopefully that will placate you for a little while.

What's that? Pictures?

Crap.

Yeah, yeah... Sometime this week, I promise. But it's 10:30 on a Saturday morning, the sun is shining and I'm still in my pajamas. Y'all are gonna have to wait.

plans? who needs plans?

2009-05-08T07:47:00.003-04:00

Hola!

I'm writing you from Cancun, Mexico. We decided we're tired of all the thunderstorms forcing us to change our plans at the last minute, so we decided to just leave the country.

Okay, so not really. I'm actually in Asheville, NC which is where we had planned on being today. Which is pretty much the first time in two days we've been on "schedule". We decided with all the storms that were going through that getting on the Parkway would not be a good idea. Pretty much right after I clicked "publish" on my last post, Cody went down to the desk to extend our stay another night in Savannah. We had another enjoyable day walking around Savannah, took a riverboat cruise (I'm still kinda salty about that), and had an awesome dinner.

Paula Deen is a pretty big deal in Georgia, and Savannah in particular. She owns a restaraunt there with her two sons, and people line up for hours to eat there. We, however went to her brothers restaraunt farther out in the coastal marshes. They specialize in seafood, which was one of Cody's goals while we were in the south: we HAD to eat at a seafood joint that served fresh seafood. This place was awesome. Fantastic views and even better food. Uncle Bubba's. I highly recommend you try it.

From there we drove out to Tybee Island, which is at the mouth of the Savannah River (and a few more coastal rivers and creeks). Awesome beach. We hung out on the pier for a while, where I got to see a fisherman pull in a skate (think baby stingray, like what you get to pet at zoo exhibits), and Cody took some pretty ridiculous pictures of the surfers. We were there right before the peak of high tide, so there were a lot of people surfing. We walked the beach for a bit, and while Cody took more pictures, I acted like an 8 year old and hunted shells.

Yesterday we went back to the island to tour the lighthouse and keepers houses. We climbed all 178 stairs to top, at which point Cody went out on the catwalk to enjoy the view and take some pictures. My ass stayed firmly planted in the safe confines of the stairwell.

On to the beach again, where Cody finally got the chance to get in the ocean and wade around and body surf a bit. I don't like getting in natural bodies of water over my knees, so I just waded around and checked out the tidal pools since it was low tide this time around.

Then it was on to Fort Pulaski, which I can't really describe. It's nothing like Fort Meigs in Perrysburg that we're all so familiar with. We got some really good pictures that I will hopefully post some time this year so you can see for yourself. The bonus of that trip was the alligator in the moat that surrounds the fort. Yes! I real, live alligator in the wild! We were stoked at that!

The rest of the day was the ho-hum drive from Georgia to North Carolina. Today I'll be touring Biltmore (again!) while Cody putters around Asheville all day. With any luck, the gardens will still be in bloom and I'll be snapping pictures like a botanical papparazzi!

We'll be staying here again tonight, and HOPEFULLY the weather will hold out in the morning so we can actually do the last portion of the Blue Ridge Parkway on our way to Gatlinburg. It's the highest and most beautiful portion of the parkway (the whole thing is gorgeous, but the mountain views can't be beat on this portion). Since it's so high, if it's cloudy, we're going to have to skip it, and I'm probably going to pout.

Time to strap on my fanny pack and camera bag and play the role of tourist I love so well!

rain, rain, go away...

2009-05-05T19:46:00.003-04:00

Hey guys,

Sitting in our hotel outside of Savannah, GA right now, listening to Cody yapping on the phone to his brother. I finally got a connection, so I figured I would post a quick update. The WiFi was out yesterday, and it took a while to connect tonight, so we'll see if it lasts long enough to actually post.

Can I just say that nothing messes up plans worse than a stalled low pressure system over the entire eastern half of the U.S. Oy, enough with the rain!

We left Ohio Saturday morning and drove through Pennsylvania (VERY expensive turnpike, btw) to start Skyline Drive in Virginia. We actually drove through Maryland and West Virginia as well, and even though we were in each state for under 10 minutes, we're still counting them on the official tally.

Skyline Drive is a scenic road built in Shenandoah National Park that puts you right up in the mountains. We went through two years ago, and it is beautiful. There are scenic overlooks where you can pull off the road and enjoy the views of the surrounding mountains and valleys. Off the top of my head, the highest point on the drive itself is somewhere over 3,000 feet. The problem is, when there are storm clouds in the area, it blocks all the views. As an added "bonus", because you're driving so high in the mountains, you're actually driving through the clouds. It's kind of cool, but the charm wears off pretty quickly when you're driving 10mph (normal speed limit it 35mph) on a winding mountain road because you literally can't see more than 10 feet in front of you. It was a bit intense at times. We did make the hike down a wooded trail to check out the waterfall we saw on our last trip though. We had discussed trying to hike to one of the other falls we hadn't seen yet, but after 6-plus hours in the car, we were just too damn sore.

Once we made it out of the park, we had about an hour drive to our hotel. It was a nice enough hotel, and there was a nice little Chinese restaraunt right across the street, so that worked out well.

We were supposed to start the first leg of the Blue Ridge Parkway on Sunday morning, but after checking the weather and seeing more storms rolling through all of Virginia, we decided it would be over 10 hours of driving through clouds again, which is tense (not to mention a bit dangerous, what with the deer and all) to say the least, we decided to head straight to Charleston, SC instead. We were planning to quit the Parkway with enough time to drive most of the way that night anyway, which would have given us less than one full day in Charleston. Since we got there early, we were able to do a carriage tour and take a nice leisurely walk through the historic distric. I LOVED it. It's absolutely beautiful, but a bit pricey to live there, I assure you.

Monday morning, we did a quick walk through the historic district of another nearby town called Summerville. Not as many houses, but still impressice to me. I was treated to the added bonus of seeing a snake in the road as well. Since Cody was walking about 15 feet in front of me (I was stopping to take pictures), I ripped him a new one for not warning me. Since he's Captain Oblivious, he never saw it and thought it was absolutely hilarious that I went all the way to the other side of the street to get by it. He of course had to take pictures. He insists it was indeed alive, but there was a twinkle in his eye that leads me to believe it was dead in the road and he just thought it was funny.

I was able to explain to him later that because of that one snake, I was too nervous to take my eyes of the ground long enough to snap photos, at which point I think he finally realized that it's not just a funny little quirk but a real fear for me. So there's hope for him yet!!!

We then moved on to Patriot's Point outside of Charleston. It is basically a large maritime museum where they have docked decommissioned ships and turned them into museums. The big mama-jama is an old aircraft carrier. Can I just tell you that those things are HUGE!!! And to top it off, it was an old one! They're much bigger now. It was awesome to go through the ship and see how the sailors lived and worked on it. There were many exhibits mixed in, some of which were quite exstensive.

Also moored there were an old diesel sub, a destroyer and a Coast Guard cutter. We weren't able to tour the destroyer, as they are currently working on it, so that was a big bummer. The other ships were fantastic though!

After leaving Charleston, we headed to Savannah, GA and had a nice dinner and made it to our hotel fairly early. After a mucho enjoyable double foot rub (LOTS of walking, stairs and ladders yesterday!), we crashed pretty hard.

Today we took a trolley tour of the historic district in Savannah and walked the streets taking pictures the rest of the day. The clouds started rolling in a little before four o'clock, and by 4:30, it was obvious we needed to get out of there or we would get wet. We were on the freeway by 5:00, and boy did we ever make a good decision! It POURED so hard and so fast the road wasn't draining well. Not that hydroplaning was a problem, as we were stuck in bumper to bumper traffic for an hour...

But, we're back at our hotel safe and sound (and dry), so I can't really complain. Tomorrow we will do a little more walking around Savannah, and then head back north to pick up the BRP where we would have left off on Sunday had we not changed our plans. My only hope is that we can do the Parkway without any more issues. There is a chance of thunderstorms on and off for the rest of the week in all the areas we'll be in, so hopefully we won't have to change all our plans again.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

quick update

2009-05-04T07:10:00.002-04:00

Hey gang,

I don't have a whole lot of time, which I can't get into because, well, I don't have a lot of time.

We're about 25 minutes outside of Charleston, SC right now and we need to leave soon. I had intended to do a quick mini-post every night, but that hasn't worked out for me so far. We couldn't get a connection Saturday night, and Cody needed the laptop to re-route us yesterday morning. The connection here last night (and currently) is in and out constantly, and I just didn't have the energy or patience to deal with it last night.

If time and our connection allow for it, I'll try to post an update tonight (from Savannah, GA).

So far we've been through Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, and South Carolina!

We're getting ready to head out for a walking tour of Summerville, SC, which I admit is pretty much all about me. Today is Cody's big day though. We're going to tour a bunch of Naval vessels in Charleston Harbor, including an aircraft carrier (which I'm even a bit stoked about).

Gotta run!!!

dear mom,

2009-04-15T05:18:00.001-04:00

Grrrrr.

Love,

Jake

what a day

2009-03-24T20:03:00.001-04:00

I've managed to make it through the day pretty positively, I think. I made a conscious decision this morning when I got up to not let any of yesterdays drama weigh me down. Turns out it kept me flowing through the rest of the day with some pretty good spirits. Unfortunately, though, I'm now exhausted. Being happy and productive is hard work!

Work went really by very smooth and easy, but I was just busy, busy, busy. When I got home, I decided to beat tomorrow's rain and get the rest of the raking done. I hope that's the last time till fall, but we'll see. Then it was on to dinner, dishes, etc.

I'm pooped!

I just wanted to pop in and say "Thanks" to all you guys for the prayers and warm wishes. I don't know what I'd do without y'all some days!

I was visiting elsewhere earlier, and the post I read made me realize how helpful we have all been to each other. Bethany is pretty much a full time small group leader for all of us now; Sharen is helping us all save money and be more conscious of our budgets; Pete is helping to keep us grounded through his experiences of late as well as the growth he's going through (not to mention we're all excited for and with him on all these big strides); Katy is always there to be our cheerleader, encourage us, and tell us how special we are (even though it's usually on Facecrack, cause she doesn't post too often); Jul-Z, has unfortunately had her hands full lately, so we haven't heard from her since October. Though she is on Twitter and Facebook if y'all want to friend her up...

I think I'm officially your pimp now people. I'm not putting a feather in my hat though.

At any rate, I'm lovin' how much I'm able to depend on you guys when I need it, whatever the reason.

Ugh. It's already 8:00. I need to take a shower and get my hiney to bed!

here we go again

2009-03-24T05:05:00.003-04:00

Well folks, I've got about a half hour of "me" time before I need to get ready for work. I usually spend my mornings catching up on blogs and reading the news, but since it's a bit of a slow news day, I find myself with a little extra time.

Well, there is a little news to share, via Sharen: Send your thoughts and prayers this way, if you get a moment.

I'm not sure how far I'll be able to get in 30 minutes, so let's just jump right in. Hubby got laid off yesterday. Yeah. Sucks. That's what prevented me from hopping on here and writing the post I had promised yesterday. I spent the day flitting around the house cleaning and being all June Cleaver and shit, with the intention to wind down after dinner and write here for a bit.

Well, Cody called about a half hour after leaving for work yesterday afternoon to let me know he had been laid off, and could I please drive out with my truck to pick up his tool boxes.

*sigh*

I don't want to puff up my chest too much or anything here, but I was kind of proud of myself while we were loading his tool boxes. I don't remember what he said, but I stayed completely quiet for almost a full minute, then calmly said, "I'm not mad at you, but I don't trust myself to talk right now."

Who was that guy?

It felt good to hold my tongue for a change. No guilty feelings from running my mouth too far or too angrily. I'm going to try to remember to do that more often.

So I wanted to write yesterday about how things have been going around here lately, and a big part of that is kind of a follow-up to my earlier post about the church I had found that I was so eager to try out.

I'm going to get there eventually but I don't know that I'll have time this morning to do that. What I'd really like to say is something I mentioned briefly in and e-mail that I quickly fired off to a friend last night before bed.

I only told one person last night about Cody being laid off. He made a couple of phone calls himself yesterday, both of which I encouraged him to make. I thought he needed to let his mom know before his weekly lunch with her on Friday so as to avoid any possible hurt feelings from not telling her. The other was to two of our closer friends, not so much to let them know what was going on, but because one of them was laid off a couple of months ago, and is currently taking advantage of an educational opportunity that I thought Cody could benefit from if he qualifies.

The reason I had only e-mailed one person was because she has been a prayer warrior for Cody and myself in the past, and I decided it would be uber-helpful to have her jump on it as soon as possible.

I didn't rush to let everyone else know about it for the simple fact that I refuse to go into panic mode, or let this affect me in the way it would have in the past.

I am not giving in to worry. I started to become overwhelmed back in December when they moved me to a job with lower pay and started laying people off at work. Then, when they cut hourly employees (that includes me) back to a 32 hour work week, I started stressing more. I decided at that point to give up my worries to God. I wasn't dealing with it very well at all, and I asked God to take the burden of concern from me. True to His word, He has been faithful in doing that very thing from that moment forward. The only time worry and stress start to press in on me since then has been when I give in to myself and start participating in the gossip and telling tales at work. Once I start doubting, the worry starts flooding back into my mind, and I realize I'm not trusting God to do what I asked Him to do, and I have to check myself.

Therein lies the secret to why I kept my mouth shut yesterday. I'm not going to give in to the temptation to shout my woes and hurts from the rooftops. Not this time.

I've noticed over the past few months, that closer I try to press in to God, the harder the enemy presses against me.

I'm on to him.

I'm not playing that game.

I refuse to give over my life, my relationship with God, my relationship with Cody. I'm not turning tail and running from this. I'm going to press through harder, and fight even more viciously than ever before.

So while it would be easy for me to despair and be worried about where we go from here, I refuse to give in to that mentality. That's why I didn't blog about this last night. I needed to first bring this to God and let it settle in my mind and spirit, and allow His peace to return before opening my mouth.

So, rather than shouting my bad news from the rooftops and begging you to pray for us, I'm shouting the good news of God's peace from the rooftops and telling you how awesome it is to know Him and feel His presence in spite of the seeming hurdle in front of us.

I will always appreciate any prayers. I only ask that you don't send up a "pity prayer" today. Send up a prayer of thanks that through Christ, Cody and I have already overcome this. Pray that God grant us the strength and wisdom we need to follow His course by His will.

I refuse to be sad. I refuse to give in to the temptation to be afraid of a single income in a bad job market. God will provide for our needs, including our peace.

Now I need to get ready for work. I'll get to that other post soon. Promise.

hurumph!

2009-03-23T20:22:00.001-04:00

Hey gang,

I'm going to have to offer you all a rain check on the post I promised for today. This afternoon didn't go quite the way I planned, so I'll have to catch you up later.

grrr

2009-03-23T07:39:00.001-04:00

I wanted to post this am, but I'm already running later than I would like. Am I the only person who can run late on a day off?

I should be able to come back later on to write more. Lord knows I'll need a break from cleaning!!!

In the meantime, I wanted to give y'all a heads up that I set Cody up with a reader, since he has a hard time keeping up with all his "funnies" on a regular basis. Cake Wrecks, Engrish, etc.

I also took the liberty of adding all your blogs to his list as well. Never fear, I changed all the subscription names so he'd be able to keep you straight, and made sure to indicate which ones were private.

I wouldn't expect any comments any time soon, but I thought you'd like to know you all have one more stalker!

wow

2009-03-20T04:26:00.001-04:00

I saw this on Ryan B.'s blog this morning, and I HAD to steal it and post it here.

That's MY King!

That's My King! Do You Know Him?

pull up a chair

2009-02-27T21:28:00.002-05:00

This is probably going to be a rather long post. Okay, okay. Stop jumping up and down, Pete. You're going to spill your drink on your keyboard.

I really don't know how to begin this. I could just listen to Fraulein Maria and sing, "Let's just start from the very beginning; a very good place to start." Unfortunately, there is more than one thread to this story, so there I'm not sure which line to follow first.

As most of you (all five of you, anyway), I have been looking struggling for quite some time with depression and anxiety attacks. I forget the fancy words the doctor typed into the computer at this point, but that's the gist of it.

I came to the conclusion, or rather, finally admitted to myself that I knew I would not and could not make any progress towards a healthy life until I started working on my relationship with God.

I know some of you may be groaning, but bear with me here.

I wish I was able to link to some of my old posts in order to explain some of this without having to type it all out. Chalk that one up to another one of my downhill slides. I usually don't regret taking down all those posts, but sometimes it would be so handy to have them available.

At any rate, as some of you may recall, I've posted about my struggle with all these issues. They're still very much a part of my life, and still affecting me and those around me. Cody has brought up counseling pretty much once a month since I stopped last year. He's not really pushing meds, but he really wants me to start seeing someone. I apparently scare the crap out of him when I'm on the downswing. Go figure.

So I've slowly been starting to realize that there is more to the story than I've been admitting to myself. Some of you know that I was raised in a Christian home, and I myself am a Christian. I grew up loving God and thought there were several years I didn't attend church at all, by the time I had graduated high school I was attending at least Sunday evening services regularly.

Oh good grief, if I go through this like an autobiographical time line, I'll never get to the point.

For about the past seven years, I haven't attended church more than a handful of times. As you can imagine, growing up gay in a Southern Baptist Church was no picnic. I went through a lot of internal warfare growing up trying to reconcile what I was taught with what I felt in my heart.

God hates boys who like boys "that" way.

I'm surely going to hell.

Those are just a couple of thoughts I struggled with. I assure you; there are plenty more.

I don't want to give anyone the impression that I hold my parents or the church at fault for my depression. I won't lie and say that they hasn't contributed vast amounts of fuel to the fire over the years either. We can discuss all that more in depth at more appropriate times.

The point I want to get to is to basically say this: I grew up with a close relationship to God. I struggled for years with what we now call my homosexuality because I was taught that it was wrong. I had actually started to come out of the closet an inch at a time when I was 21. Then I re-dedicated my life to Christ (it's church lingo for turning your back on your wickedness and seeking the path of righteousness you were previously on, and it's very real) and I ran back in the closet and buried everything. I severed ties with a few people at the time, and actually did some lasting damage it took a lot of years to repair.

Then, shortly after I turned 23, I hit probably one of my deepest "episodes" yet. At that point, my relationship with my parents became very strained, and I started pulling away from the church as well. It was a pretty rough patch, and I'm confident that nothing short of the grace of God could have pulled me through that.

I eventually ended up on better footing with my parents, and the other relationships that were being affected at the time were also beginning to mend. I never really got back a good, solid footing at church though. I felt like a fraud and a failure. Here I was, going to church 2-3 times a week, doing everything I could to fight off my demons, and they just wouldn't go away. I still knew I was gay. I was checking out guys at church, for cryin' out loud! And I was still depressed.

So I started skipping services more and more. Unfortunately I also stopped seeking God's face. The only one who mattered and could have helped the whole time, and I was ashamed to go to His feet.

Several months later, I met Cody. Little known fact: Cody and I have been together every weekend except two since we met almost seven years ago. Considering we lived 90 miles apart for the first three years, that's something I'm proud of. We've had some rough spots, but we did what couldn't be done. Provided I don't kill him or vice versa, we'll be going strong till were old and wrinkly.

Unfortunately, I still haven't been able to reconnect with God in a quality way. Until now.

See, I've been looking for a new church "home" for the past 6-7 years. I've found some that were friendly, to be sure. They just weren't right where it really mattered though. I so don't want to get into a theological debate or anything, so let me throw in a disclaimer here:

These are my beliefs, and I take ownership of them. I'm not trying to shove anything down your throat, and I hope you don't feel that way. But these are my beliefs and convictions, so I won't apologize for them.

I'm what's called an "Evangelical Christian". At least that's what the term du jour was last time I checked. (I so can't spell in French...) I believe that Jesus Christ was born of a virgin, and therefore born free from sin, which enabled Him to take the sin of the world, be punished for it by death, go to hell, and then rise again victorious over sin and death. I believe He did that for me and for you. He did that for everyone for all time.

I also believe that knowing that isn't enough. Even satan knows all that. The salvation Jesus brought about on the cross is a gift. A gift can be given freely, but it does no good without receiving it. I believe you actually have to consciously accept the gift Christ has given in order to be free from sin and go to heaven. I'm so blowing through this faster than I should, but that's the gist of it.

So here's the problem. Some of you may be aware that in recent times, more and more churches have become what's called "Open and Affirming" congregations. I won't try to drop a percentage on you as though I'm an authority on this matter, but from my own personal experience, the churches I have found in my search that are open and affirming have thus far fallen short of that basic requirement of mine. I don't want to settle for a church that doesn't believe you must be "born again" (it's written in red, folks) just so I can participate in a congregation and feel welcome. Don't get me wrong, I've been to a couple of nice churches that are very welcoming and show a lot of love. But that's not enough for me, and I don't apologize for it.

So, as I said (typed, if you wanna' get technical on me), I've been looking for a church I can call home off and on for many years without much luck. I've been disappointed so many times that it gets harder and harder to even try any more. I think there's another post there, but I'm not going to chase that rabbit right now.

Let me take a moment to say something else. If you work for a company with a web presence, and there is an e-mail link for people to contact you, it damn well better work. And you need to check it and respond.

Where was I? Oh, right.

So I've talked about some of this before. I actually wrote Bethany a big ole' letter once explaining a lot of this and some more as well. She's been so super supportive that it never ceases to amaze me. Considering the roots of our relationship, I'm astonished at how healthy it is! Sorry, I love her to pieces and I gotta brag on her now and then.

Well, since Bethany and I started to reconnect a couple of years ago, we've both been blogging. She's much more faithful about it than I am, and she's so gifted... I think God has already been using her in big ways (not just in my life), I can't wait to see what He's got in store...

So Bethany's blog has a link to another "little" blog called "Stuff Christians Like." This site rocks. Seriously. This post is already huge, so if you want to know what it's all about, go here first.

I've been reading SCL (as it's affectionately called by it's faithful readers) for quite some time. I've gotten through the majority of the archives, though not all, and I've been reading it daily for the past few months.

The wicked awesome author of this blog, Jon Acuff, writes a couple of other blogs that I'm rather fond of as well. I highly recommend 97 Seconds with God. Talk about a gifted writer! And he knows where his gift comes from, and isn't afraid to admit it.

Being a busy man with a lot on his plate and a family as well, Jon occasionally has guest authors post on his site. I've read some pretty awesome posts, as he's not willing to let just anyone post. Stacy, one of his first guests, gained her notoriety through some awesome sarcasm that I find can only be responded to with "OH SNAP!" Sarcasm is a love language on SCL, so it's all in fun.

No more rabbit holes, I swear! (Yeah. As if.)

So another guest on SCL, who also gained this honor through some incredibly insightful yet hilarious comments, is Nick the Geek. I'm not calling him names. That's what he named himself. Nick is a youth pastor, and man did God call the right guy. He's insightful, hilarious, and just as high energy as any of his "kids". That's a nice way of saying I think he might have a touch of ADHD. Not really, but he's definitely intentse, though in a good way.

As you may have guessed, Nick has a blog (or four) of his own. The site is My Experience as Youth Pastor, and it is listed in my "dailies" in Google reader. Yeah, it's that good.

Yes, for those of you following along, my addiction to blogs is severe enough that I have a seperate category for the blogs I read every day so I can filter out all the other stuff and just get to what matters until I get more time.

At any rate (Is it just me, or do I say that a lot?), I bookmarked Nick's blog a few months ago when he wrote a guest post for SCL. I like the post well enough to check out his blog, and loved the few that I read there. Nick is always very gracious about responding to everyone's comments, too - which is just awesome.

So, now I'm up to the point where I'm looking for a church home off and on, building a closer-than-I-could-have-imagined friendship with Ms. Bethany, reading SCL and 97Seconds every day, and I have Nick bookmarked.

Hey, I told you it would be a long post. Go to the bathroom and stretch your legs a bit. I'll wait.

Better? Good.

A few months ago, I also stumbled upon another site, called Straight-Friendly. It's tagline is "A daily devotional for GLBT and other alienated Christians -- with occasional personal observations." I read a couple of posts and thought it was pretty awesome, so I bookmarked it to come back to later (thus defeating the purpose of the "daily" part, I know).

As an aside, the author of this site, Tim, is also a very gracious host and, much like Nick, tends to respond to every comment personally. I love that.

Believe it or not, I think you're all up to speed enough that I can get on with the damn story already...

At the beginning of this month, I went back and started reading through Nick the Geek's archives from the beginning. He really is a talented writer, and a gifted teacher as well.

I came across a post from August of last year in which was writing about his feelings concerning how Christians, and the church as a whole, tend to treat homosexuals. I felt inclined to leave a comment (Big surprise, right?) explaining my biggest bitch about the way Christians treat gays and lesbians.

True to form, Nick responded to my comment. I didn't get even a hint of condemnation from him, which I didn't really expect, but I just want to throw that out there before anyones hackles go up.

Nick's response to my comment ended up being so long, he felt it deserved to be a post in and of itself. In his own words, "I'm reposting my comment because it ended up being super long and it bears saying often."

Nick and I don't agree on some things. Unlike a lot of Christians, Nick is a standard bearer for the love of Christ. The man actually gets it.

He doesn't agree with me, but he doesn't care. He's not looking at me in judgement trying to keep my from anything. He's showing the love of Christ as Christ Himself taught we should.

Not only is that awesome, that takes balls! I don't know what denomination, if any, Nick works for. I do know that his viewpoint is considered radical by some though. But the more Nick's we have in this world the better off we will be.

Nick wrote a follow-up post to the original that I first mentioned. In it, he explained that the main reason he brought the subject up is because there are two teens he feels are likely wrestling with their sexual identity in his group. I have to say, I gotta' give credit to Nick and anyone else who voluntarily work with kids and young adults. That's a lot of responsibility (and a lot of noise!).

This is what's important to me, and why I thank God for men like Nick:

The kids in his class will grow into adulthood without a skewed and dangerous view of homosexuals. They will love them as Christ calls them to. None of that "Love the sinner, hate the sin" bullshit that so many people hide their hate behind (not so successfully).

More importantly, the young people that come through his doors who are questioning their sexuality don't have to grow up like I did.

That, to me, is so deep and important that I can't put it into words.

It brings tears to my eyes to know that even on child will be spared the anguish of growing up gay in church because Nick is obedient and loving enough to obey his Lord and love these kids.

Thanks, Nick. Not only for what you have written to me. But thanks for doing what you're doing. It matters. Thank you.

Crap. How do you follow that up?

Honestly I've been putting off responding to the last of Nick's comments and his post until I could say what was in my heart.

Oddly enough, in these short few weeks, Nick has been a big part of some changes that are happening in me.

As I mentioned, Nick isn't just funny; he's a good teacher too. So I've been reading a lot of his posts lately. I've also been reading a lot of Bethany's incredible insights and Jon's learn-through-humor as well as his more serious stuff.

In addition to that, I've also come to the realization that I really need to strive to rebuild my relationship with God. I know enough to know that I will not know real, lasting peace and peace of mind without Him.

So I've also been reading Tim's posts every morning, and using them as the daily devotional they're intended to be.

Oddly enough, I followed a couple of links from Tim's site this morning and stumbled upon something that rocked my world and brought tears to my weary eyes.

I think I have found a church, my friends.

I'm trying to temper my excitement for the time being, while I try to get more information and wait to attend an actual service. It's also hard to not be jaded as I've been burned so many times before.

Either way, I'm getting closer to Him, and He to me.

ugh

2009-02-23T09:25:00.001-05:00

Not only have I been on the puter way too long already. I've also commented myself to death. Since I started using a feed reader, it's saving me time keeping up with reading everything I "have" to read, but it's keeping me from commenting as much.

I had planned on at least one post this morning. But I'm spent. I do have the day off, but I need to get some things done around the house.

I really have to be more disciplined with my time. I'm bad and getting worse (thanks to a frickin' Facebook invite that sucked up even more of my time).

I'll get it figured out eventually. For now, I'm just going to have to say I'll try to get that post done later. I've got one swirling in my head to post here, and at least one more for AD. I just know they're going to drain me even more.

So for now, turn up the heat, open the curtains and pretend it's summer! Quick, before the snow starts flying again!

hehehe

2009-02-14T09:05:00.001-05:00

I totally stole this from him, but it's funny!

Hawthy - Killer Cupid- Love really does hurt

happy valentines day

2009-02-14T08:04:00.001-05:00

Okay, you know I'm getting old when I copy and paste "Dear Abby" on my blog. *sigh* That's okay; it's worth it today. I thought this was a beautifully written letter, and I wanted to share it with you.

Dear Abby:I clearly remember my first Valentine's Day.
I was in first grade. A few days before, my mom asked how many kids
were in my class, and we went to a store and bought large packages of
valentines -- one for every child in the class. The cards were all the
same size and said, basically, the same thing.

When I arrived at school, each classmate had a small box on his or her
desk. At some point during the day, I went around the room and gave
each child a valentine. There was one for the quiet one in the back,
the most popular girl in class, the prettiest and even the boys. This
was long before society taught me that such a show of affection had to
exclude people of the same gender as me. By the end of the day,
everyone had a full box of valentines to take home.

One desk, one box ... the love of a child.

As I grew older, society taught me to narrow my offering of affection,
picking only those I chose to be special or worthy. Eventually, I was
taught to limit my valentines to only one person. More time went on,
and then a card was not enough. To show that really special person what
she meant to you, you needed to send flowers, candy and jewelry.

Apparently, as we grew older it took more and more to fill those boxes.
Now we absolutely could not give to more than one person. People hire
detectives to make sure that the person isn't filling anyone else's.
And if you had no one to send you anything, you were saddened by your
big, empty box filled only with sadness and despair.

Today, I am taking back from society what it has taken from me. I'm
counting how many people play a role in my life, and I am buying
"virtual" packages of cards. I have one for every single one of you --
man or woman, young or old, straight or gay, married or single. Each
card is the same size, they all say the same thing -- that I appreciate
who you are and what you have to contribute to each other.

I invite each and every one to do the same, so that no box is empty and
the shy ones, the pretty ones, the popular ones and those who are less
so go home tonight with a full box of valentines.

One virtual desk, one virtual box, and the love of a child at heart. I wish you all a happy Valentine's Day. -- ERIC IN LOS ALAMITOS, CALIF.

DEAR ERIC: Your letter touched me -- and I am sure that everyone who reads it wishes the same for you.

Source

jul-z tagged my sorry ass

2009-02-12T17:27:00.001-05:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a blog with
25 random things about you. At the end, choose people to be tagged. You
have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I
want to know more about you.

1. I'm doing this cause Lord knows I've tagged jules too many times to have any right of refusal.

2. I shouldn't have eaten those last couple of Reese's.

3. The dog is downstairs whining, so I need to type quickly or she'll shit on the floor.

4. My mind is going to fast with my "to do" list for me to pick out 21 more random things.

5. I need to get this damn house clean. I could write that 20 more times, and mean it for each and every one, but someone will cry "foul".

6. I hope last nights leftovers taste as good the second time.

7. I need to shave and take a shower.

8. Shit. I forget to throw the towels in the dryer.

9. If it wasn't for a select few people, I'd cancel my myspace account. I'm over it.

10. By the time I get done reading all the blogs I follow, I rarely have time and energy to write my own.

11. I wish I had saved some of my older posts, but not having to re-read some of the other ones makes it worth while.

12. I can't make the dog wait any longer. Plus I want a cigarette.

Argh! Little bitch didn't even have to go!

13. Oh! This one is easy. Tomorrow is Friday the 13th! Okay, so it's not technically about me, but I'll be alive and breathing so it sorta is. For me anyway.

14. I really need to respond to one of the bloggers I follow. He has been remarkably kind, and I owe him a reply.

15. Speaking of, I still haven't sent that b-day card I mentioned, much less actually written anything in it.

16. Ten more?! I'm so counting this as a "real" post, no matter what Pete says.

17. I'm still waiting for the follow-up to "Teaser Post" from the beginning of December, Ms. Katy.

18. I wish I could meet Katy.

19. I wish Beth didn't live so damn far away.

20. Ditto Pete and Jul-Z.

You should all move here. Or we can split the cost of a mountain in North Carolina, but we won't go there...

21. I got to have dinner with Mr. Warren and Ms. Clara on Sunday, and it made me very, very happy.

22. I feel so blessed and fortunate every time I hear about someone else getting "let go" at work.

23. I had a couple of really crappy days this week. I even told Cody this time. Didn't help any, but it felt nice to know I was able to keep my promise this time.

24. I just remembered something else I have to do tonight. Argh! I guess that means I won't be watching American Idol on the DVR...

25. Finally!!! Holy cow that took forever! I'm just bustin' your balls. Y'all know I can't resist these stupid things.

Now who should I tag?

How about, everyone that reads all the way to the bottom and misses me enough to give me a morsel of their time to help me miss them a little less.